may 27th , 2005
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7:32pm

ok, i made the page!
here it is finally, after about 10 hours of work:

http://www.anacam.com/hats/shows/voltage05/VFA05.html

it's not as bad as i thought it would be. i've made my peace with it.
it is what it is.

and here are some mysterious pix taken from inside my temple:

i'm off to jason's to watch a movie.

 

5:02pm

i've just been working on making the page for all the photos i took for the voltage show.
i worked on it for hours last night and that's all i've been doing today. fixing contrast, lightning some, trying to see what i can salvage.
resizing them, adding borders and my name to them.
arranging them how i want on the page. adding text. linking to all the designers and bands who were at the show.
and i'm still not satisfied with how this is looking. i need to delete some of the pix that are just not very good. well none of them are very good, but i need to delete the ones that are really really not good.
so much to sift through. and it's painstakingly boring and this is making me feel very heavy and depressed.
i really wanted to take some great photos of this show, and i feel like i completely and utterly failed.
and so to work on this failure of a project for so many hours now, it's depressing the crap out of me.
i wonder what the photos of the other photographers looked like. i wonder if it's just about having a bigger flash to capture people moving quickly in the dark or is there another aspect of photographing in those conditions that is alluding me. what setting could i have put my camera on to make these pictures better?
and i wish i had not been feeling so shy and just got up there by the catwalk with the guys and took pix.
but they had these press passes and i did not and so i wasn't really sure if i was allowed to do that.
and the times i did walk up to the catwalk i had to crouch down really low because there were people sitting in chairs in back of me and i didn't want to get in their way.
and i wonder if my photos would have been any better if i had been where the photographers were with the press passes? i have to say i do think they would have been a lot better because that is where the models stopped for a bit and posed.
i don't know, this whole project is really depressing me and i can't wait until i just have the page up and can move from it.
i wonder if there WAS a press pass for me somewhere and i just didn't know where to get it?
and if there wasn't, then why did they want me there? why did they put me on the list at all?
did they not see me as a real and valid photographer but more as a socialite to be seen at their event?
i'm just not really sure what is the deal with it all.
i just wanted to do a good job as a photographer at this show. and i wanted to tell the designers i wanted to interview them later. and i didn't get to do really any of these things. i had a fun time at the show anyway. i am glad i went and got a seat and i was on the list, and being a spectator was totally fun.
but i just have nothing to show for this, professionally, as a photographer. and that is the main reason i wanted to go.
i have a bunch of crappy blurry pictures and i just feel like shit about it.
i know i am not a crappy photographer. but maybe i am for events that are dark and people are moving around very fast. maybe i need some extra special mega flashbulb thing. or maybe it was all about me just being in crappy positions to take photos. i don't know. either way, for whatever reason, my job as a photographer for this show was a total failure and i am really depressed about it.

i can't wait until jason gets home.
i need a hug.

12:51pm

Horoscope for Aries (May 27 2005)

Don't take anything or anyone for granted today. You can expect to face problems with either a business or personal partner, especially if you have neglected to acknowledge what he or she is trying to do. By being a little more accommodating, you can smooth things over.

and

An evaluation of goals ***
Valid during many months: This is a challenging time in your life. You will have to make many choices about what areas of your life to emphasize. Will you work to build up a new career or continue to build upon a current one? Will you work to make your personal life as satisfying as possible? Will you work collectively with many other people or by yourself?
Often there is an "alienation crisis" with this influence, a sudden feeling of being cut off from everyone else, as if you have spent too much energy pursuing purely personal goals. This in turn generates loneliness and a feeling of being distant from others, even loved ones. Or you may suddenly feel that you no longer have the strength to go on in the direction you have chosen. Fears of your own inadequacies may distort your perspective. All of this is most likely to happen if you have neglected personal relationships in your life. You cannot go on forever without supportive emotional relationships, and you may have been trying to do so.

Sometimes this influence can have the opposite result, and you discover that various personal entanglements have been interfering with the pursuit of your valid goals. In this case you will break off relationships and gain the freedom to go your own way. The issue here is the balance between personal relationships and advancement in life.

On another tack, this period can test your choice of goals. You may encounter opposition from others that forces you to examine whether your goals are really valid for you. If they are, the conflict with other persons or against trying circumstances will be useful. But if you find that your heart is not really in the path you have chosen, you may have to make adjustments and change your course of action. It is far better to do this now than several years from now, when you may be overcommitted to an inappropriate course and discover that you are trapped. Now is the time to change. It may not be pleasant, but it is possible.

and

It may seem like a day of fated communication as issues come to the surface between you and your friends. There may be something going on that isn't fully apparent and you, in your typical Aries style, just run headstrong into the situation without thinking about the consequences. Put the well-being of others ahead of your own personal needs and this will turn into a win-win situation.