may 19th , 2005
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11:23pm

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10:53pm

4:58pm

i am so stupid and so completely out of it :(
fuzzy came over but i didn't hear the phone because my phone was not plugged in!
i plugged the cord into the wall, but the cord was not plugged into the PHONE.
i am such an idiot. i feel so stupid.
i am a complete and utter space case lately.
fuck.

i'm sorry, fuzzy :(

4:38pm

waiting for fuzzy to come over. jason's coming home now and then we will walk.
i look at this slideshow of the early years of anacam and wonder how i had that much energy!
i put soooooo much effort into it. constantly fiddling with the filters, adding captions with perfect fonts, arranging the house. you have no idea how complex it all was/is. i'm astounded. i don't think anyone will ever realize how hard it was/is because no one else does it/did it. to arrange everything so perfectly and then hold the pose for 30 seconds or 2 minutes, depending on the refresh rate at the time. it is such a slow and focused process.
yet somehow i am able to convey movement in so many of the images, too, even tho they are still. people think it is easy because i make it look easy. just like how people think that what britney spears is somehow easy, which is so insulting. what she does is HARD. i wish i could take every person who thinks it's easy and make them live a week in her life. or make someone be on cam and do what i do for a week so they can see just how complicated it is to do it in the way i do it.
i have to pat myself on the back.
i wish i was as photogenic as i was 7 years ago, tho.
that certainly made things easier. now i have to work 5 times as hard for a self portrait i am happy with.
i really do need to put all these images in a book or something.

i wish i felt creative right now.
but i feel utterly sleepy and exhausted.
i can never force creativity.
but i have to get it back somehow.
maybe i'll do the "force myself to take 5 pictures a day" thing.
that works sometimes. i think i will try to do that.
but then i have to think that i have been doing things, it's just that no one can see that i am. i made the slideshow, figured out that site with jason, figuring out the koolkam. i'm doing a lot of behind the scenes technical learning and technical adjustments.

this http://www.teknikunst.com/
that i am going to be part of isn't until july, so i have a long time to think about that.
but i need to get them a bio and photos.
also i get no $ for it because it's a "not for profit" thing.
*sigh*
it has to profit SOMEBODY doesn't it?
or is everyone working on it just working for free?
i'd like to know.
anyway, it's still nice to be a part of it :)
but i think everyone should be paid.
i don't understand why there can't be a profit made from something like that.

2:07pm

sorry no new pix yesterday. i was working on that slideshow and chat thing all day.
plus it's been grey grey grey rainy rainy rainy rainy and cold cold cold for about 5 billion days in a row and it's making me SO sleepy! yesterday i had a headache all day. today i still have a little one.
it takes so much effort for me to move. i am a slug.
i need solar power! i run on solar power. i could never move to a place that was rainy this much.
i would be miserable and sleep all the time. how does anyone manage to get anything done in a place where it's cloudy and rainy? I NEED THE SUN!!!

i don't know what to do with my day. there are so many things i should be doing but i can't manage to do anything.
fuzzy is coming over here at 4:30pm to pick up her crochet things she made that i was to photograph all nicely.
and i never got it done because i had that nervous breakdown ER fiasco and then it just was grey rain after that and so not good light for taking photos. and i haven't been feeling very inpired lately anyway. do to just needing to recharge my batteries and stuff.

good grief. i can't wait until this grey fog spell leaves. i feel like i am in pergatory or some inbetween world of grey blahness.

being in chat is really odd. i used to chat so much years ago. and i was in their 24/7. i kind of miss it sometimes and then nwo that i have been chatting for a few days i remember why i don't do it very often. so many questions from people! and having to explain everything over and over. it's fine for awhile but after awhile it gets tiresome.

and the other night we had a great discussion about spirituality that was very uplifting. but then last night some guy asked me if i am into having sex with animals! hello?
i'm sorry but that is just wrong. that is in the category of having sex with children. and this guy could just not see that at all.
he thought it was sexy and "intense".
and then he was dogging on jennicam saying she "fronted" or some bullshit. just a bunch of dumbass judgemental bull about how i am "real and she was "fake". and he doesn't even know her and she is one the most genuine people i know. i hate people who fuck animals and judge my friends unfairly.

so i banned him from my room. gross.

today has been better, chris from koolkam has a cam there. and he is teaching me some new things about koolkam that i didn't know about.
i wish he would make a comprehensive FAQ about his software!
i don't understand why he doesn't! but i am going to install the latest version of koolkam and he is going to show me some things. and maybe i can help write a FAQ or something because it's such a cool thing but there just is no FAQ anywhere to figure the thing out!

oh btw, someone just announced that i am hotter than paris hilton and less skanky too. well, good to know. thanks for that info dude.
i couldn't have lived without it.

so back to koolkam.
a feature i didn't know it had is that i can grab other people's cam images and mix them into my own.
which means that i could set up a page with everyone cam on it, and we could all grab each other images and mix them into our own and add effects and play with it all in a way that bands jam with music, this would be jamming with visuals!

so! THAT opens up a whole new doorway into a fun online community activity! thanks chris!
so after i learn how to do this, i will show u and then anyone who has a cam, we can "jam" with our images.
we could get all the cams on one page and it would look pretty cool i think!

so i'm excited about the possibilities of that. and chris said he could give me a version of koolkam that makes 640 by 480 pix. yay!

so..many exciting things for the future of camming still :)

koolkam

jason found the anaverse station the other day. it is still there and functioning! does anyone here even remember that? it was like sleepstation but it was for ana2 only and you could have your cam on it even if you were not sleeping.
does anyone in ana2 have a cam? i know mya does. anyone else?

5:11pm

i made a slideshow of the first 4 years of anacam!
watch it here:

http://206.196.30.237/spot/spot.asp?id=10650626

i'll be in and out of the chatroom all day :)

become a member of:
http://www.citizenx.com/

+++

Horoscope for Aries (May 19 2005)

Get ready for a day packed full of adventure. Love may be on the line, but if you are quick to respond, the result will be in your favor. A friend may have a greater interest in you than you realize.

and

You start the day mellow enough, but as the situation develops, you reach a point when you no longer want to hold it in. The good news is that you don't need to explode in order to get your annoyance or anger completely out into the open. Be as diplomatic as possible and the results will be quite satisfying.

and

Usually beneficial
Weak, transient effect: This morning your moods are quite deep and your emotions powerful. If you are aware, all your contacts at this time will show you how your emotional state affects other people. This can be either good or bad, but the growth in consciousness is usually very beneficial. One problem with this influence, however, is that you find it difficult to see any point of view but your own. Also, in dealings with a group there is a danger that you will feel that your own interests and desires are opposed to theirs, thus creating more potential for disagreement. You must learn to detach yourself somewhat in order to observe your feelings in action. Otherwise you will not be able afterwards to evaluate what you saw.