may 13th , 2005
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10:30pm

the last enterprise was good, but i was a LITTLE bit confused as to what commander riker was up to.
all my reality tv shows are wrapping up. the finale of survivor this sunday. the finale of ANTM on wednesday , i think.
and thursday, the finale of the apprentice (which i have kind of lost interest in), so i be watching the season finale of csi on thursday instead.
the finale of AI soon.

beck is on nightline right now. odd!
and a guy from they might be giants is the host!

there is a reality show coming up at some point i may be interested in about chefs.

yes, i am addicted to tv.

it's my escape from my crazed brain which works overtime.

plus, i can crochet at the same time.

6:54pm

tonight is the last star trek enterprise! *cry*
so i'm going to watch that.

 

5:48pm

i made it to the p.o. box but didn't get to go for a walk after because it was raining.
i ran into the annoying russian boy at the p.o. again.
i must remember i always run into him at the time it's going to close, so i need to get htere earlier to lessen my chances of running into. he will just not get a clue as to how much i do not want to talk to him.
i have headphones on blasting and i was at a workstation putting posters in tubes and addressing them and stuff, and so i was obviously busy. so then he had things he had to mail to so he stands right on the opposite side from me and every 1 minute asks me a question, to which i obviously take off my headphones and go "what?" so that he has to repeat the question and then i very obviously put my headphones back ON.
we do this like 5 fucking times. i mean how many times do i have to keep taking my headphones off and going "what?" and then put them back on before he gets the clue that i am BUSY and do NOT want to talk?
he buys and sells dvds for a living or something, so weirdly he has 2 movies he gives me for free, which i can't really understand why ...something about how he buys things in twos and it's cheaper that way and so he has extras and he makes copies. i don't know. i don't care. and i can't understand him because his russian accent is so thick.

so i guess this is the part in my day where my horoscope kicks in and i am argumentative and irritable.
so i now have the dvd "bodies, rest and motion" which is something briget fonda is in and looks awful. and this really bad horror flick from the 50's called "the crawling eye" which i am going to give to milo fine because he loves that kind of thing. i'm sure he's already seen it, tho.

and he asks me if i want to walk with him again, which really makes no sense since he moved since last i saw him and he lives in the opposite direction of me, thank god. or maybe he wants to go to that godawful fruit place, which i bizarrely had a dream about just the other day that i just remembered as i typed out this sentence.

and i said no, i have a lot to do, i'm really busy. so just to further get him off my tail, i went to the window where you go pick up packages and i just stood there pretending i had a package. and when a person finally came to help me i just made them go look up when i needed to pay for my p.o. box again, which isn't until august.

by that time he had, thankfully, left.

then i went to the little store and picked up some pop and bleach and tp and mac and cheese, which i have been craving for days. and they even had gonesh #6 incence in there which i haven't bought in about a decade or more, so i got some and it should bring back old memories to smell that cheap incense again. i am so totally out of incense.

a bang on jason's door to let him know i am home and tell him i have dvds for us to watch because i had run into the annoying russian kid. and his 1st reaction was "did you meet him there?" which furtherly annoyed me because no, i did not go to the p.o. box in the rain to go meet up with the most annoying human being on the planet (for which i try to do everything to avoid, and i have written extensively about just how annoying this person is to me and how i hope to never see them again) to go get a copy of "the crawling eye" and a briget fonda movie.

so....i hope my mac and cheese will get me out of my massively iritable mood because i haven't eaten much today and my blood sugar is really low.

 

3:25pm

jason can't walk today. he has too much work to do. he has to do work all this weekend. poor guy :(
i'm going to go to the p.o. now and then go for a walk myself, if it's not too cold. i'll bundle up.

 

3:11pm

did the anacam biz, had a bite to eat, picked up the trash, took a bath.

now i'm getting dressed to go to the p.o.

but wanted to write down this analogy i thought of the other day for people who swing by my site and bombard me with negative postings or email or whatever.
they are like asteroids hitting a planet. the larger the planet, the more asteriods get caught in the pull of it's gravity and smash onto the surface (or get burned up in the atmosphere). they are like asteroids because they have no control over their destiny (they think), they are forced by the laws of gravity to get pulled into whatever is the nearest planet to them and crash and burn. they are not their own planets in and of themselves. just fragments of themselves "lost in space" getting sucked into other planets.

doesn't mean it doesn't suck to be a planet getting hit with these. but...this is a good analogy, i think.

listening to:
stereolab's emperor tomato ketchup

 

12:32pm

i didn't realize until now it was friday the 13th. ha :)
i've never had any bad luck on such a day. have you?

and here's something i have nabbed from ladder7's journal about neptune's effect for the next 2 weeks:
http://ana.livejournal.com/1556146.html

i'm feeling pretty good. as in "normal". not deliriously happy, i just feel happily normal. so, these horoscopes, again, feel off to me.
when my horoscopes said i was supposed to be feeling fantastic, i was depressed out of my mind, now that it says i should be feeling argumentative or whatever...i don't feel that way in the least.

i'll take it as a good sign that my conscious efforts to "flip my polarities" and ride this wave rather than be drowned by it is starting to work.

thank to my friends duckydoo, , halcyonstyn , pink_piggies, and driztik's great happy post under the bed i was like, i want to be THERE, i want to be plugged into THAT kind of energy.
i will be the surfer of this crazy wave, i will be riding this thing on TOP of it rather than sucked into it's undercurrents.

and by just keeping putting one foot in front of the other no matter how depressed or tired i was, i knew that just like crochet, each stitch at a time, no matter how slow, i would eventually get there.
and i think, i hope, i have crawled out of my self dug hole now.
and i will take control of my life and stop making extremely stupid self wallowing decisions like drinking a bottle of wine when i'm DEPRESSED and out of my mind with grief and anxiety.
alcohol and grief at the level i was experiencing are NOT a good mix.
the combination of those things equals self sabatoge.
so ya, *ding ding* wake up call to me to knock that shit off.

that is one of my pitfalls, to drink when i am feeling anxiety or being depressed and trying to escape something.
i'm not an alcoholic, but i would say that when i am under extreme stress and depression i have a tendency to have a bad drinking PROBLEM that can spiral out of control. it's just such an easy way out.
but it's not a way out at all, it's just a doorway into a really stupid hole of self sabatoge.

each time i find myself in that position, i am able to recognize it faster and dig myself out of it faster. and for that i am grateful.
it's good to recognize my patterns and quirks and weaknesses so i can learn to live with them and not just be a victim to them.

so i haven't had a drink since the 6th and feel mighty good about it.
there was only an hour in there i felt like, gee, it'd be nice to have a beer. 'cause it IS nice to have a beer at the end of the day.

but other than that, it's been fine. i'm not missing it.
plus, it'll save me money and calories and my body thanks me :)
my skin is even clearer.

and today i finally finally finally got my period today.
man, i am so happy about that. i am hope all my bloating goes down now. i hope that my bloating is actual water retention and not fat!
i don't FEEL i've been eating that much to warrant being this puffed up. :)

i had such weird dreams last night. another of those epic kind.
too detailed and weird to even type out.
but again, lots of flooding in houses.
the ocean coming in and flooding the house i was in.

just going to keep working on grounding myself and putting on foot in front of the other. as my dreams tell me, i'm not out of the water yet.

i must make it to th p.o. today as i didn't the other day, and then yesterday it was freezing rain all day.

today is also cold, but no rain at least. just cloudy.
51 degrees. much better than yesterday's 37 degrees.

i feel that what i have gone through recently, well, even the last few years, has really aged me. i hope i can reverse some of that by positive thinking. the cam captures of me, i don't even recognize myself sometimes. i just go, do i REALLY look like that?
so i really look that old?? sometimes it captures me and i look like "me" and then other times i see this old old woman, and it's really freaking me out. because, to me, it doesn't look like this kick ass older woman like marianne faithful or something, but just a flabby older woman that is just unphotogenic and forgettable.
and that scares me. and i don't like it AT all.
call me vain or whatever, i don't care. it's flipping me out!
i don't relate to what i look like sometimes. i don't see me in that.
it's scary to not look like who you feel you are.
i see in my mind now the older woman i want to look like. i have it figured out and visualized. now i just have to figure out that if by shifting myself and the way i carry myself or emanate or something i can flip the switch to getting to how i visualize myself as being.
or maybe this is just a silly thing to even think. maybe age just takes over and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it and to think i can visualize myself into looking how i want it some sort of younger person's folly.

we shall see. i definitely think that losing these last 10 pounds i've been sort of trying to lose for the past few years will help.
and not drinking as i was will help immensely with that, i think.
and then maybe just a tiny plastic surgery "tweak" will do the trick :)
ha :) not like i can afford that right now, tho.

i have to concentrate on getting my electric and phone bill paid, 1st!

but dammit, i AM going to look like a very fierce, sexy older woman, not some sad middle aged puffy housewife. and that is that.

and so...onward!

+++

 

Horoscope for Aries (May 13 2005)

Don't be too quick to start something you can't finish. An argument will leave you in an awkward position. Try to control your temper by putting your energy into something constructive.

and

Keep your feet on the ground, no matter how you are tempted by the lure of getting lost in your own fantasies. This can be a great day, but you'll need to keep your enthusiasm well-contained or you'll get yourself into trouble. When you are in touch with your insecurity now, you'll be more authentic. Pretending that all is okay might feel good for a while, but your friends will quickly remind you that you're out of line. Be real and you will get there just on time.

and

Take the time
Weak, transient effect: Tonight you will meet some sort of challenge to the structure of your daily life, that is, your home life, intimate relations, routine daily contacts and so forth. All of us have hidden tensions that cause us to operate in ways that we do not understand. The effect of this influence is to bring these tensions to the surface. Thus you may feel ill at ease within yourself and have a bit more difficulty in getting along with others, particularly with men. Now several small areas of your life may simultaneously reach a crisis that forces you to pay more attention to what is happening. This is especially likely to happen with situations or persons that you have been taking for granted. You should take the time to correct little problems as they arise and give them the attention that they require.