may 9th , 2005
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11:59pm

the dvd of hell's kitchen was scratched so we couldn't watch it.
so we watched old dr. who episodes from 1964 which were hilariously bad but also insulting to women and "primitive/barbaric" aztec history, imo.
i know i know, i'm so political. i can't help it. i still can watch it as kind of a "how funny they thought that way in 1964", but at the same time 1964 wasn't all that long ago and the racism and sexism makes me cringe, even if it adds to the "charming" schmaltzy factor of it.
still, i love dr. who. but man, the early ones were so incredibly sexist. but i can still enjoy all the other aspects of it very much.

7:19pm

getting out for a walk with jason did me lots of good. i feel much better.
afterwards we went to the japanese restauraunt where i had agedashi tofu with rice and miso soup and oolong tea.
plus, i love my jason, all these things combined to make me feel much better :)

ironically, now tho, we are going to watch a documentary called "hell's kitchen" or something which is about the people who make the sites to test crash cars or something.

so, i'l be back in 2 hours.

it's raining out. there were some pretty clouds today.

watch over the pups for me and make sure they don't get into trouble :)

 

5:01pm

took a bath. jason's home. going to go for a walk now.
i was wrong about saying my dad wouldn't reply to my email. he actually replied right now which has to be a world record in quick replying from my dad. a total shocker.
and he even expressed concern for me and said i can write to him about my depression and that he's sure he can "deal with it, he thinks".
which is...well, a better response from him that i could have hoped for, especially since i didn't expect any response.
i'm not going to get my hopes up tho and i don't know if i feel like writing him everything.
i just don't feel i want to be vulnerable to him now.
it's nice he wrote back tho, and it's he made himself semi available to me.
that was not expected. and that gives me a glimmer of some hope.

*trying not to cry so i can go walk*

 

3:29pm

got up the nerve to call the police again about getting my gun back.
they were at least noce this time and i got answers.
i'd love to know who that woman was who hung up on me the other day and get her fired.

anyway, i got transferred around to different departments and different people.
found out my case # and then what i do is i have to write a letter to the chief of police and ask him if i can have gun back. i tell him my case # and my address and phone # and la de da, and then , vaguely, "someone will get back to me in a few weeks" with some sort of answer.

how much more sluggish and ineffective can that be?

definitely like dealing the the vogtrons in hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.

at least i got up the nerve to call again. i was laying on my bed in a ball huddled with the dogs, my heart beating like a rabbit. then just called.

at least i got answers this time.

it pisses me off that this is going to take weeks, tho, because i truly am a firm believer in a person's right to bear arms (all the sudden i am seeing myself with arms of a bear? or with arms that are bare) and for them to take away my ability to defend myself against intruders for WEEKS because of their ineffectiveness really makes me mad and i think it's unjust.

it's MY fucking gun. i bought it legally and licenced it in my name, and it should take no more than 5 minutes of a person's time to look that up on a computer and see that and then give it back to me since it is OBVIOUSLY my property.

this isn't rocket science. this is "you have something of mine, give it back".

i suppose my letter should be delivered by horseback, too.
do i need to send smoke signals out to the rider?
would they like my letter chipped in stone, too, and do i need to give an offering of frankincense and myrrh or virgin blood to the god baal to show my goodwill?

*sigh*

at least i did that today.
i have to pat myself on the back for getting up the nerve to do that.
it takes me hours of charging up before i can do one ounce of work, i am so low energy.

jason's leaving work on about 15 minutes and when he gets home we will go for our hour walk. and then that will be 2 good things i did today.

and i ate 2 yogurts.

now i guess i will try to take a bath so i can get dressed so i will be ready to go for a walk.

and then jason has some movies for us to watch tonight.
i sure wish we could watch them at my house, tho.
i'm so sad my dvd player is broken.

now i feel like marvin the robot in hitchhiker's.

i definitely should write my letter to the chief of police on hello kitty stationary and spray it with clinique's "happy" perfume.

dear chief of police,
here is an offering of my menstrual blood and two turtle doves for Baal. give me my goddamn gun back right now.

yours truly,
hello kitty

2:25pm

best lj post of the day:

http://www.livejournal.com/community/photography/8273600.html

:)

i needed that :)

i'll go try to eat now.

1:29pm

i wish i had the $ to go back on prozac.
i go up and down hourly. today is hard. so cloudy and heavy and humid.
i'm trying to just keep going. put up pictures. just...anything i can do.
just keep going and going.
wrote my dad back a kind of bland email about what is going on with me.
it's hard for me to write to him because i am so damn fucking angry with him for bringing cupcakes to my mom on my birthday that i am just deeply depressed about it. i just feel so betrayed even tho he said he was sorry.
just the fact that and then gave me no emotional support speaks volumnes to me, and i don't really know when or how i can get over the hurt i still feel from that. when i wanted to die the other day, it was the pain from the betrayal i feel from that was foremost in my mind. just so so so angry. just a deep disapointment that goes beyond language.
he was my one last family member i felt i could trust. he was all i had left.
and when i lost that, too, i just...i'm just so sad.
sure, we will talk and still see each other. it's not like i am not going to be having him in my life.
but he's not in my life in the way i wish. and for him to betray me like that, and leave me feeling so abandoned in the days i feel most vulnerable...it punched a hole in my heart because i am only made of paper right now.
there is a big hole ripped through my little paper heart. i am deeply wounded by his action with my mom and his inaction with me. he even sponsored this girl from tanzania. i love my dad. i am grateful what he does give me. i am grateful to have him in my life. i know he tries his best.(or does he?) i know he didn't mean to hurt me.
i just feel so fucking invisible sometimes , tho, when it really matters and in the things that are REALLY important to me. but what more can i say to him about this? nothing. i have already expressed my rage and pain to him about this.
and he has apologized. what more can be done? nothing from my end, i don't think.
i haven't told him what recently happened to me. i probably won't because he has enough to deal with my brother.
i would only be a burden on him, and i'm not trying to be some sort of fucking martyr, i just know how things work in this family and there is no energy for me in it. i have to go elsewhere or find it within myself.
there is no energy for me in my family. it's just a fact. it's just a fact i have to face and deal with and comprehend and move on from. i cannot expect one ioda of support. i know that i can ask my dad to lend me a few bucks here and there once in a blue moon. because that is not emotional support. but that's all i can expect.
i knew my dad didn't have it in him to give me any emotional support.

or that's what i THOUGHT.

i guess that is what makes me so damn angry, is i thought he DIDN'T have any emotional support in him...for ANYone (except my brother), and then for him to go and give support to my mom.
that just takes the cake, no pun intended.

i was like oh you DO have the energy within you and the capabilities to support, you're just CHOOSING to NOT give it to ME. I SEE NOW.

betrayer.

i just wrote him:

"that's really amazing you finally got to meet the women you sponsored
all this time :)

i hope my brother finds some good place to live. he is always in my
thoughts and i worry.

it seems surreal to me that you are retiring. i can't really comprehend it!

what are you going to do with all your time?

my life has been really difficult lately, to say the least.
dealing with a lot of grief and depression and anger.
so i'm having a struggle.

i'm glad it's spring.

yesterday i took a class with my friend elaine in how to make paper
from soy silk.
if you'd like to see what i made, go here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/anavoog/63502.html

i don't know what more to say that wouldn't be depressing or angry, so...
that's all i have to say for now. i'm just having a tough time.

i love you very much."

he probably won't write a damn thing back to that.
in fact, i know he won't.

my trust in him is just gone.

*crying*

depression is anger turned inwards.
i need to take up kickboxing.

funny my horoscope from here is this:

Aries
Last weeks battles warrant some review, especially those that were with the internal demons, terrorists and saboteurs. It's not a life or death thing, more that it looms around your heart/mind. You know sometimes the body is the best way to get the attention of the being. You don't have to head to the rock gym or run up the hardest hill in your neighborhood. This week you could add things to yourself that could stick and make a difference: more water, stretching the joints daily, five minutes of silence. Simple things. They say, "cling to your virtues, let the vices hold on for themselves.'

i have PMS, too, which isn't helping.

1:01pm

there certainly are infinite possibilities with this method. you could add anything to it really because all you do , basically, is wet it all together with water and a bit of soap and then you get this glue type stuff and brush that all on it and make sure it's all soaked through.
so it's glue that holds it all together. i guess there are all different types of glue you could use and there are many methods.
i probably won't be making any more of this in the near future, tho, even tho it's easy and fun.
i would need a large table where i could make a sloppy mess. and i don't have anything like that in my house.
even my kitchen is tiny.
someday if ever i have a bigger place so i can have a large table, i will definitely have some fun with this!
you could do anything with it. afterwards sew it, paint on it, make clothing from it, books, mold it into shapes like bowls, vessels, masks, anything you want! it's a whole new world on how to make material. i could really get into it and experiment with it.
i've always wanted to learn how to make paper of all kinds. and this was a great 1st experience :)
i could definitely lose myself into the world of papermaking, and then i would love to make wild outfits with this :)
my mind goes crazy with ideas.

BUT...i don't think it's practical for me in my tiny apartment to go down this road right now. but maybe i will figure out a way.
get a cardtable or something.
but i kind of feel like it would just be too much for me to take on a completely new world like this as i have so many other projects which beckon me and other art materials in my house i need to do something with before i start going down new paths like this. but it's nice to know i have this option available to me for the future and it's sure easier than felting :)

i'm not sure what i will do with this thing i have made yet.
i think i may spin the rest of the soy silk i got from this project and then cut up this paper and punch holes in it and then crochet the different pieces together to either make a hat or a book type thing. i'm just not sure yet!

it's also just nice as it is, as a wallhanging :)

11:52am

it's 67 degrees, humid, grey, and windy.
will i be able to get motivated today? i sure hope so.
i dreamed a huge wind kept blowing all the doors to my house open and i was scared intruders would get in.
i felt so scared and vulnerable. i couldn't get the locks in the house to work very well.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (May 9 2005)

You should throw a ceremonial shovelful of dirt on all that you've recently buried to start the week. A tough job but we all have to do it. Being at this point things get clear and there is a lightness and vitality available to you this week. Clearing out the mind and body you discover the heart. Do things that make it pulse strong, exercise the pump of emotions and blood. Feel grateful that you have things that are on this side of that last shovel of dirt. All that lives is life as they say.
and

Network as much as you can today, and you will make progress with a project you are trying to get off the ground. A decision regarding your future can be made. Look for something interesting in the mail or your e-mail.

and
Business communication
Valid during several weeks: Under this influence you should make plans concerning your professional life or the equivalent area of your life. Think about what you have been doing along these lines and whether or not it is working out as you want it to. If necessary, plan to make changes that will improve it for you. This is also a favorable time to talk to superiors, bosses or employers about your work and how you may advance in your job. This may or may not be a good time for actually trying to get a promotion, depending on other factors. But you can use this time to find the best way to go about getting a promotion. During this time you may also become involved with the part of your business that involves communicating with the outside world, either through advertising or through contract negotiations.

and

Sudden changes to your daily schedule make your life topsy-turvy, but it isn't necessarily a bad turn of events. Even if today isn't very important in the long run, you'll probably think that it will have great impact. What's significant here is how you react to what's going on. If you think you have something to defend -- think again. The truth is that you may get all fired up for the wrong reason.