may 7th , 2005
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9:24pm

the wind is howwwwwwwwwwwwwwling!
i wish it would just STORM.
a huge thunderstorm would be so cleansing.
but instead the wind just howls and howls and whistles like ghosts and trains through my windows.
i want thunder! i want lightning! I WANT TORRENTIAL RAIN! :)

i'm gonna go out on my jammies and crawl into bed.

 

7:48pm

well, i don't care what the critics say, i LOVED the hitchhiker's guide movie!
i don't know if it will make sense or not to people who haven't read the books, but i'm not going to over analyze it. sure there were parts the made up that weren't in the books, but i loved them anyway!
jason didn't like it so much. i don't know why. but his dad and i thought it was really well done :)
i'm not going to overanaluyze it, i am just glad that there was something that made me laugh several times outloud, and i think the casting was perfect and it looked great and it was hilarious :)
i hope they make many seqels!!
now i want to read all those books over again.

that movie was EXACTLY what i needed to see right now.
hitchhiker's books are my favourite books of all time because they remind me not to take life so seriously and just how absurd it all is.
oh there were so many parts of that movie which were exactly what i had just gone through and it made be able to laugh at the totally absurdity of the situation i just went through. and that is priceless to be able to laugh at something like THAT.

those hitchhiker's books always save my life, for real, and so seeing that movie..couldn't have been more perfect timing :)

i have so much more to write about but i will later.
1st i need to eat something.

god, i love douglas adams, god rest his soul :)
what a brilliant brilliant brilliant man.

i feel like this load has been lifted from me, if only temporarily.
i will treasure and revel in this "lightness of being" as i go make some ramen.

i want to write about how so many parts of the movie are exactly what i went through and i want to tell you about the best line EVER in a movie...but i don't want to ruin the movie for you in case you want to go see it :)

 

3:41pm

 

3:19pm

it's SO windy here. the wind is howling through my windows and it sounds like a ghost train.
when we went for a walk i wore ear plugs bhecause it was so windy it hurt my ears.
i never walked with earplugs before. you can really hear your footsteps and i sounded like a 800 pound dinosaur...BOOM BOOM BOOOM.
but it was good to walk.
the dandelions are out EVERYWHERE and there are FIELDS of yellow that go on for miles.
so beautiful :)

			i went to the hospital and all i got was this lousy banana

the banana thing is a joke on those t shirts...i went to the "so and so place" and all i got was this lousy t shirt.

actually, they did give me a tiny bowl of rice krispies , too.
rock.

so, i better get ready for this movie now!

funny, my dad just wrote me an email asking me what's going on in my life. ha :)
i don't think i will tell him.

1:19pm

i'm going for a walk with jason.

12:46pm

the more i think about them taking the gun from me the more i just have to laugh at how ABSURD that was.
i wasn't saying i wanted to shoot myself. i said i wanted to cut myself.
and there was a knife right in front of me that i had been using to slice cheese i had been eating.
it's still there.
she wants to cut herself! quick take the gun that is in a box far far away! not the knife or millions of pairs of scissors all around her!
i WASN'T going to cut myself. but i felt like i WANTED to.
anyway..you'd think the LOGICAL thing to take would be the KNIFE.
or if it's still not ok for me to have MY GUN, then isn't it ALSO not ok for me to have ANY KNIVES in my house either?? why didn't they just take all my knives? or fuck, i could cut myself just about anything. take all my cutlery, take my fucking DISHES.
plus i have a bottle of xanax which was right in front of me, too.
why not take THAT? i certainly could eat that entire bottle.
their are a MILLION ways to die.

and maybe i am reading into this especially because of the way i was treated by the men and the way it was the men who laughed at me and treated me like shit and then told ME i was a "manhater". wtf?

but i'll bet if i were a big burly HUNTER and would go to that precinct they would give me my gun back.
but because all my life, because i am a woman, i have been made to feel it's WRONG for me to have a gun because i'm a woman and i wouldn't know how to shoot it. or more insulting i wouldn't have the NERVE or the GUTS to shoot it.
i'm fucking WEAK and if a WOMAN owns a gun it'll just be wrestled away from her and used against her.
so women shouldn't own guns. we aren't strong enough to own one.
we wouldn't know how to shoot it if our life depended on it.
we're weak gutless deer in headlights around guns.
we're too hysterical to own one.

god.

i could be wrong, and i could just be projecting because of the the attitude i've come across as a woman who owns a gun. or hey it could be the way the woman laughed at me and hung up on me when i asked if i could have my gun back. gee, i wonder why i feel this way? hmmm!

i wish i could shape shift into a 6 foot tall good lucking burly man in a suit or a hunter's outfit and walk down t that precint to get my gun, because i fcuking know they'd give it back to me if i LOOKED like i DESERVE to own a gun.

i really just want to let it go, you knwo. i really want to not have this BUG me that they took my gun.
i wish i could just say "well whatever"

but just after feeling so VIOLATED by them and for them to have the audacity to not give me my gun back when i have a shitload of knives over here.

well, just WTF?

argggggh.. i am SO ANGRY!!!

i just want to let go of that gun and have it not matter because i don't want to deal with the further humiliation i know i am going to have to go through to get that thing back.
but at the same time it's the PRINCIPAL of it!
and it's the symbolism that i got that gun to PROTECT myself from rapists and intruders and they TOOK it AWAY!

i don't like being violated and humiliated and then stripped of my way to protect myself on TOP of it.

i can't decide whether to let go of this or to fight it on the principal of it. argh.

i'm so sick of FIGHTING injustice!

but fuck! i don't like being fucked with!
and i hate being some passive little victim here of some goddamn macho bullshit.

11:26pm

well, they're gone. that was pretty painless.
so that chapter of my life is over. i just have to get my gun back and deal with that.
maybe i will just walk over to the precinct and ask them for it.
maybe i will call that cop who came over when my mom violated my restraining order.
he seemed nice. maybe he can help me out.
who knows.
or maybe i'll just have to let it go. i don't know whatever.
it's just that it was my 1st gun and so really has great symbolic personal meaning to me.

and well, it's MY frigging gun and it cost me $200 bucks and i'm mighty pissed just at the idea that the cops can take $200 from me and take away my power to protect myself from anyone who could bust in my house.
isn't it in the constitution "the right to bear arms" and all that?

kind of hilarious that at the moment they came over kosheen's song "suicide" was blasting on my speakers by sheer coincidence. and so i had to RUN over to the speakers and turn the volumne off.
fuck. hahaha :) and it was at the part where they were singing "suicide suicide suicide" over and over.
maybe i should have been playing "franky tear drop" by the band named suicide when they came over.
haha! oh my goodness. what a life.

i am STILL laughing. ffffffuck. what are the chances my speakers would be blasting that word RIGHT when they came over?? NOT GOOD! :)

the man i was talking to was nice. he was a bit like ned flanders from the simpsons.
they asked me if they could use any of their services and i said no, unless they had primal scream therapy or kick boxing :) and they said no they don't offer that so....well, by that time they had my sense of humour down. although i would have totally taken primal scream therapy if they offered it :)

the woman had totally weird vibes about her. she had a million walls up and didn't seem to like me at ALL. she was very sour.
she didn't even want to sit on my bed. i finally had to BEG her to sit on my bed because she was trying to sit on the floor with all the dog hair and really didn't want her to do that. so finally after much begging i sat on the floor and she sat on the bed.
i suppose in a job like that you have to have walls. but man she was sour about SOMEthing. maybe it was just a bad day for her. my dogs didn't even like her much.
but ya, if you want to be in social services i would think a bit more social skills woud better for her.
but then...that doesn't seem to be a prerequisite for anyone these days.
she just gave me this vibe like "you're a total freak i don't even want to TOUCH ANYTHING in your freaky ass house."

but hey, she's gone now. and so is ned flanders. and they have closed my "case"

and so detach detach detach!

and madonna sings "and i'm not sorry. it's human nature. i'm not you're bitch don't hang your shit on me." :)

and now she's singing "lucky star" yay!

as the old guy in seinfeld says "SERENITY NOW!"

i think i will try to eat something now.

the mexican band has stopped playing.

i saved the banana from the hospital but i'm going to throw it down the trash because i don't want anything from that hell hole in here.

i threw away the paper bracelet they put on me this morning.

and the plastic bag that said "personal belongings"

funny cops could hang around long enough for me to find my keys and ID but not long enough to out on my damn shoes that were RIGHT THERE 2 feet away from me.
the don't even have laces. just my clogs. hardly difficult to put on clogs.

and now madonna songs

"Siegmund freud
Analyse this..

I'm gonna break the cycle
I'm gonna shake up the system
I'm gonna destroy my ego
I'm gonna close my body now"

soon i'll be in a movie theater eating popcorn.

and now madonna sings..."

Shine your light now
This time it's gotta be good
You get it right now
'Cause you're in Hollywood

Push the button
Don't push the button
Trip the station
Change the channel"

 

 

10:00am

slept for 13 hours.
was so tired.
woke up at 9am due to terrible mexican music being played right outside my window because of cinqo de mao. (or however you spell it, i'm still groggy).
now i have to try to clean my house and myself as fast as i can because the social workers are coming at 11am.
i can't believe i put myself in the ass backwards position.
oh well.

i'll let you all know how it went when they leave around noon.

*sigh*

as btripp said "detach detach detach"
and so i shall.
and thanks for the good advice, mphand, i'm going to take it!

then at 3:30pm i leave to go see the hitchhiker's movie.
even tho it got bad reviews it will be good to get out and get my mind off things.

then i will just focus on happy things.

like tomorrow i am going to take a class on learning how to make paper from soy silk with my good friend fuzzy.

ok, i better to get to cleaning.

it's rainy today.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (May 7 2005)

Spend some quality time with the ones you love. You will be in the mood to try something new. Listen to what others have to say. You may just learn something.

and

A reasonably pleasant time
Weak, transient effect: Tonight you want to be with your friends and the people you love. This influence helps to ensure that you will have a reasonably pleasant time with them. Feelings of love and friendship may build in all areas of your life now, and you feel that life is richer and a little more rewarding. It is a good time to have friends to your home for entertainment. You are able to make them feel good, and they will appreciate it, for you make it clear that you care about them. In general, your home situation and immediate environment will be the sources of your greatest satisfaction during this period. Your light and cheerful mood will be picked up by everyone around you, too. However, you should be careful not to become passive.