may 6th , 2005
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7:03pm

i forgot to mention that on mother's day fuzzy and i are going to take a class in learning how to make paper from soy silk :)
so that will be nice.

 

6:32pm

wow, i'm tired.
i could go to bed now.

tomorrow at 11am social workers are coming over to talk to me.
i can't get out of it. bah.
i am so not looking forward it.

for a whole hour they will be doing their "thing" on me.

so i'm going to get up at 9:30am to get ready for it.

after that i am going to see the hitchhiker's guide movie.

tonight i am going to just lay in bed here.
sooooooo tired.

thank you everything for your support.

 

4:19pm

i'm finally starting to feel a bit more normalized now.
i'm starting to feel less stupid because it's not MY fault for the way i was treated.

*I* didn't do anything wrong.

i shouldn't feel ashamed that i thought that calling 911 would be a sensible idea.
it's not my fault what happened to me except for the part where i drank the bottle of wine.
but i've drank a bottle a wine many times and it doesn't make me into a suicidal mess.
mother fucking mother's day.

it's not my fault i'm emotional about what i am going through right now.
it's not my fault i was treated like a subhuman who had done something wrong and shameful.
it's not wrong and shameful to have a nervous breakdown and try to ask for help.
this doesnt make me a freak. and this doesn't make me weak.
i'm not fucking perfect.

i forgive myself.

jason went off to buy me some split pea soup because i am hacing trouble eating today.
he bought jme a sadnwich too but i couldn't eat it yet. i will have it for supper.

also he taped survivor and CSI for me yesterday so i will watch that later ad that will make me happy.

i do feel a little ridiculous that i tried to reason with the pigfucker nightcop who was condescending and dismissive to me. and because i felt he was treating me as if i were completely brainless i made up lie that i had a PHD in women's studies. and he laughed and then a bunch of other male interns laughed at me even more when i said that and they said "YOU have a PHD?" like a weird small looking girl like me could POSSIBLY be smart and that idea that i could have a PHD because of the way they stereotyped me was the most ridiculous and laughable idea they had ever heard. but i said it because i was angry.
i shouldn't have even gave them the time of day.
because the fact that they laughed at me even more then was furtherly insulting.
and that's when he said "oh you're one of THOSE women" and i said "what do you mean like that ?" and he then gave me his streotypical analysis of me that i was a man hater etc etc etc and i was just pissed off that , as a woman, i couldn't be a doctor or a senator or a lawyer like a man is...which didn't even make sense at all. this guy was just out of his mind."

that's when i realized he was seriously fuct and i shut up and retreated to my hard cold black bed.

3:29pm

 

it wasn't even like i had the gun out. i wasn't waving it around or something.
they just asked me if i had a gun and i stupidly said yes and they started tearing my house apart trying to find it.
4 guys with flashlights like the fucking SWAT team.
so they would just stop opening everything in my house i finally just pointed to where it was, hidden far away in my pretty cigar box.
i wasn't ever planning on using the damn gun. if i was going to kill myself i wouldn't shoot myself.

it was dumb of me to call 911 in hopes that they would give me some numbers of people to call.
all i wanted to do was just talk and cry.
and i didn't need the goddamn SWAT team swooping in on me shining flashlights in my face, tearing my house apart and then putting me in handcuffs and not letting me even put my shoes on.
fuck. i wasn't resisting "arrest".
i don't even know why treated me like i was under arrest.

i feel so humiliated that i called 911.
and then i just feel furtherly humiliated what they did to me.
no one was fucking helpful.
doing something like that to someone is not helpful, especially if they are crying and want to die and just want a hug and to talk.

the system is so completely fucked and cold and wrong.

and would you be rude and bitchy and hang up on a person who had just come out of the hospital from wanting to die?
is that the way to treat people?

i think i feel worse about the actual episode of how they treated me than do about feeling i wanted to die in that moment.

i feel way the fuck worse today. i don't feel healed.
i feel traumatized.

i feel so fucking stupid.

i just want this day to end.

i have such anxiety.

and the fact that they are going to bill me for traumatzing me is furtherly insulting.

i'm just laying in bed today. the tv is on but i can't concentrate on it.

i don't know how i have crying still left in me but i do.

i have some numbers that kiitos gave me to call in case i need a suicidal hotline.

(612) 873-2222
(612) 379-6363
(612) 379-1199
(651) 266-7900
(651) 254-1000

i hope they are safe to call and not SWAT team will come if i ever call them.

no more fucking bottles of wine for me until i am more mentally stable, that's for damn sure.

usually it alleviates my pain but sometimes it eccentuates it.
i'm such a nervous peson. i just want my brain to shut off.

it's a beautiful day.
i wish i had the energy or will power to go out into it.
i wish i had a yard.

 

 

11:48am

embarrassing overly dramatic episode # 984379847598347534957439

after drinking a bottle of wine last night i started to cry hysterically about my mom (and mother's day coming up) and dad and i wanted to talk to my dad but i couldn't find his phone # which was probably just as well in retrospect. but i just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and i didn't know who to call.
i was feeling suicidal even tho i know i would not have followed through on it. but i was feeling that way.
i was in a puddle of hysterical tears and anger beating my fists against the floor.

so i called 911. BIG MISTAKE.
4 guys show up at my door and put me in HANDCUFFS and wouldn't even let me put on my SHOES which were 2 feet away. so i was dragged out of my house in this humiliating way and taken to the hospital which will probably be a $3,000 bill i cannot pay.
just for sitting there in a dark room where ever couple hours a NEW doctor would come in and ask me the SAME questions as if no one had EVER written down a damn thing. i think i was there for 7 hours, i'm not even sure.
not to mention i was treated like total fucking SHIT by this one smart ass smug pigfucker cop who thought he had me all pegged and told me i was one of "those women". twiddling his thumbs and laughing at me like a cold sadistic pigfucker.

so i sat shivering on some black cold bed and thank god there was no room for me at detox because that is where they wanted to send me which is the HELL of ALL hells. and i mean that LITERALLY.
they put you in an isolation room with a mat on the flor and surveillance cameras just for CRYING because they are such sadistic evil people there who get off on torturing the weak.
that's another story from many years ago.

i tried desperately to get a hold of jason but since i never call him on the phone, i couldn't get his number right and no one would let me dial 411. finally jason figured out where i was because he saw 911 was the last number i called. and he stayed with me for the lat several hours.

on top of this they took my $200 dollar gun which is pricelessly sentimental to me, and i understand if they don't want to give to to ME right away, give it to jason!
but the thing is it's MINE and i paid for it and it's licenced in my name. fine if they don't want to give it to me today, i get that. but to NEVER get it back????? plus it was in this really cool cigar box i had handpainted. what gives them the motherfucking right?

so when i call to ask if how and when i can have my gun back this BITCH FUCK of a woman tells me i can NEVER have it back and then tells me to call back on monday because it's "too hectic there today"
and i'm like "won't it also be hectic there on MONDAY?"
and so she HANGS UP ON ME!!!!!
she literally HANGS UP ON ME! and i wasn't yelling or anything.
i was being totally quiet and reasonable.
i asked if there was anhyone else i could talk to and she said not and then just slammed the phone down on me.

i am embarrassed and humiliated and crying and i don't think they have the RIGHT to take away MY belongings!!!

i mean give me a week. give me psychiatric evaluation. whatever you want. but don't just say "we're never giving back to you your $200 gun which was my FIRST gun and means a LOT to me and it the ONLY gun i have at this time i have in which to defend myself if an intruder came into my house.

i am FURIOUS.

to be treated like such SHIT. like a NONENTITY.
it's so dehumanizing.
cops just think they are fucking GOD.

fuck that shit.

never ever ever ever call 911 if you feel suicidal that's all i've got to say.

if my self esteem was feeling low well they have just lowered it down 10 million notches. thanks a lot pigfuckers.
thanks for making me feel like i don't even EXIST.

i just want to crawl into my bed now and hide for several days.

FUCK.

that's all i can manage to type about it right now.