april 29th, 2005
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9:01pm

bleached my roots. added more red dye. took a bath.
and dammit didn't save hardly any of the pix! i thought my cam grabber was going but it wasn't. fuck.

jason's plane just landed and he text messaged me but then said brb.
so i am stuck here wanting to talk to him and also needing to rinse this red out of my hair....
i am so glad he arrived safe and sound!

i wish there was a way to drag this computer into the bathroom so i could rinse and type simultaneously!

plus my stomache is getting all gurgly and i hope i didn't eat something bad today.
the soup i made might have been a bit old.
damn.

 

 

 

5:12pm

i didn't make it to the p.o. because i wanted to be home to say goodbye to jason.
i painted his toenails silver, like i always do when he goes away, so that he has a little thing on him to remind him of me and how much i love him :) and then i painted my toes silver, too, so that we match :)

now it's just my puppies and i til sunday night.
i'm going to just take it easy and try to get in a creative mood.
just do some relaxing, some healing, some creating.

make some photos. maybe get out and walk some. i don't know.
i don't feel much like going outside. but it's going to be warmer next week, thank goodness.
i hope i can get some crocheting in. i need to get back to that.
because it makes me happy when i crochet and it also brings in some well needed cash.
i think i might be a few hundred short for rent this month. i'm not sure.
i have to think of something to do about that but for some reason i'm not stressing about it as much today.
i think i have stressed so much lately that i have somehow blown my stress fuse.
and now i feel strangely calm. i'm going to try and not overanalyze it and just let it be.

i'm so ininuterested in the news lately.
when it comes on i just am so bored of it that i just have to shut it off.
and i go to news.yahoo.com and read about everyone being blown to bits over in iraq and i am just desensitized to it.
my eyes skim to headlines and my brain just shuts down.
so i click it off.

i can't take it in or think about it.
all i care about it creating a happy home environment here.
and just stay sane myself and keep taking care of myself the best i can and take each day as it comes.

take deep breaths. take baths.
starting to stretch some.
i think i might go into the tanning booth for just one session to add some colour to me.
i'm taking extra steps to beautify myself like doing my nails and paying more attention to my skin.
trying to take vitamins evryday and not eat total crap.

i should probbaly buckle down and so some sit ups and push ups, but i loathe those excercises. maybe just dance more.
the other day when i danced around to prince it felt good to feel a little connection to my body again.
getting all my little chakras whirling :)
keeping things in balance and in check.

even tho jason has only been gone for a few minutes, it feels so different knowing he is a different kind of gone than just being at work. things feel emptier.

 

3:06pm

trying to psyche myself to get dressed and take that big box down to the trash and also go to the p.o.
and i haven't even gone downstairs to check my regular mail in days and i know there is a package for me down there and i'm curious as to what it is!
it's cold and grey and i'm drinking diet cherry coke.
i thought i'd wake up with a hangover today, but i didn't at all.
curious.
i had 3 shots of jagermeister and then afterwards jason and i went out to eat and i had 1 1/2 ciders.
i guess all of this was spaced out throughout 5 or 6 hours so that's not so bad.
stil i thought i'd feel a bit more crappy today but i feel completely fine. so yippee for that :)
i'm also not as anxious today as i was yesterday. i have no idea why.
maybe because i have a lot of xanax in my system. or maybe because i know i'm not going out tonight.
or maybe because i don't recall any of my dreams which always leave me feeling anxious when i wake up.
maybe a combination of all of the above.
for whatever reason, i'm just really happy not to feel anxious right now.
and i do feel a bit of motivation to get some stuff done today.
the moving of heavy boxes and stuff.

 

2:07pm

i figured i would just decorate the black eye before i left last night rather than try and cover it up.

1:49pm

ok, i had a lot on my mind to tell you at 2am, but now that it's 12 hours later and i've slept some i can't remember what it all was!
the animal collective was great and the band that opened for them, ariel pink, i also really enjoyed.
it's really difficult for me to explain their music. just very primitive, chaotic, intricate, messy, craploads of delay.
it was an all ages show and it was totally packed and we got right up front so that was nice :)
jason and i were both shocked to find out that everyone around us was 17 or so.
just a bizarre feeling.
and in the restaurant mext door they played the go go's we got the beat and i realized that everyone in there was probably not even BORN when that song was out.
i don't understand this time thing.
i'm starting to feel like a relic.

i wonder how kiitos and fuzzy are on the way to the funeral. i wonder if they are there yet and if they are doing alright.
i wonder what kind of funeral hasil adkins will have and i wonder what sort of people will show up for the funeral.

jason leaves tonight for a family wedding in north carolina.
i don't want him to go.
we've been working out some kinks in our relationship and so this is a not-so-great time for him to leave.
but he'll be back sunday night so it's not like he'll be gone for long.
still...i don't want him to go and he doesn't want to go either :(

1:48am

i have SO much to tell you but 1st i must sleep!

+++

Horoscope for Aries (April 29 2005)

Holding back will not solve problems. Face situations head on, but refuse to let things get blown out of proportion. If you can keep an even balance, much can be resolved.

and

Needless conflict
Today you will display a great deal of energy in your dealings with other people. However, the problem lies in how you use that energy, for you may try to dominate others. Or you may encounter others who try to dominate you. Do not be so concerned with your own desires that your actions are out of harmony with the people around you. Do not be so willful that you actually get in the way of your own intentions. This influence can help you, because it enables you to make your mark on the people around you, so that they accept you and let you lead or help lead them. But you must be sure that you are right and that others really are willing to accept your leadership. Otherwise you will only create needless conflict that will bring you nothing.