april 26th, 2005
past anagrams	menu	utb

hasil adkins
R.I.P.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/kiitos/368337.html

today has been an intense day to say the least.

a bit about him:
http://www.grandrapidsrocks.com/haze/

i might be going down to the funeral with kiitos...i'm not sure yet...
Current Mood: indescribable

 

---

http://www.rainbowprimates.com/

what???????

6:47pm

did i do ANYTHING i said i was going to do?
no. i took another photo of my eye.
but i am disatisfied with it. so i'm not going to show you.
look at the owl.

then i read my friends list and that was GOOD.
and then god made light and that was GOOD.
and now american idol is on and i haven't eaten a damn thing all day so i guess i better go nuke myself some cave woman soup so i can bliss out on some trash television and shut my brain off for the next 2 hours, which will be a delicious thrill for me.

if i'm not making sense to you.
i'm sorry.
me cavewoman make clacking sounds with stones.
but inside i am liquid light getting ready to unleash.

6:34pm

this is where/who i want to be.

5:45pm

mind going to fast to type it all.
just processing everything.
and it's a LOT.
i don't have time to point the cam at anything.
i don't have time to type.
whiney people in photocontest trying to suck my energy but i snapped myself out of it.
i feel like a mother about to give birth and i feel fierce like i could bite someone's head off if they approach me in any way i deem as threatening to even an ounce of my energy.
because is each ounce is precious to me right now.

and i just lost an hour because my computer keeps going back and hour for some reason once in awhile, and so all this time today i thought it was an hour earlier than it actually is.

what is time anyway. still.

physical reality is laughable to me today.

it's like an unweildly dinosaur trying to take a giant shit in a pumpkin patch upsidedown wearing loafers 5 times too small
all the while trying to evolve into a lightbeing who can do quantum physics with a ball of twine and and a flashlight.
and where are the damn batteries for the flashlight?

yep.

that pretty much sums it up.

augh. me cavewoman with my giant stone tools trying to make the pretty pretty things.

i'm taking a bath and my toilet is is running VERY loudly.
trying to get clean and this damn NOISE.
i now have to shut the door to the bathroom so i don't have to hear it in the bathroom.

and i just put some liquid draino down the tub because that has been sluggish.

and i need to clean my toilet so the big hairy beast maintenance guys can come up here and add another layer of dirt to everything.

and i have a million other things i need them to fix like a new lightbulb in my kitchen and stuff. well, i could sit here and name off everything that needs to get done or i could just go into the thing room now and pick up all those peanuts and try to get them back nto the big box and the big box down to the trash in the basement.

everything is a feng shui nightmare.
but i am wrestling this fucking dinosaur to the ground and teaching it to at least take a shit rightside UP, at the VERY least.
it WILL evolve.
me cave woman augh with my giant stone i make the banging clacking sounds against other stones
which form langauge and tools which leads to...something....
things age and grow and roots search for soil and effort os made and one cell is born from which springs a new world.

even tho i am all clean i still look so disheveled like i've just come from working in a coalmine.

i just want things WHITE and CLEAN and SIMPLE and ORGANIZED.
then someone give a massage and a martini and let me just wrote some damn music already.

the rain is pouring down.
the dandelions...i just want to be outside with them.

 

 

3:44pm

SERENITY NOW!!!

(seinfeld reference)
Current Mood: extrapontification extriculating with extra dust

3:21pm

farbel/i and andrea f. i received your your snail mail :)
thank u!!!!
so running behind on emailing or anything!!

1:55pm

everything is so symbolic today. and symbolic and heavy.
and i feel i am moving through a world of heavy brass symbols.
and i am picking them up and trying to get rid of them somewhere somehow

i had a powerful dream where i'm sure that jason in my dream represents my mom (sorry jason, no offense to you! you are not like my mom! but i just mean that my mom is like a boyfriend in that i feel the same sort of sense of loss, except worse, over breaking up with her that i have felt over breaking up with past boyfriends. and well, i've written about this before. and with my past boyfriends being abusive and then my mother being abusive. i think my mind chose jason to represent my mom so i knew that this was about a person who is still in my life now or was very recently...my mom...even tho she is "gone" she is still "here" with me, in me). also i know this isn't really representing jason as he is for women's rights, etc. and the jason in my dream isn't. and jaosn would never do these things in my dream, but my mom would.

anyway the dream:

i had a horrible dream that jason was a catholic (ha, even to start out a sentence like that cracks me up, he's jewish btw..not a practicing jew tho) and his whole family were these rich catholics and donald trump was his dad.
and the whole family loved me and we got along so well and i talked to donald trump about getting a japanese architect to design a solar powered treehouse for his wife (jason's mom) and he was so delighted by my ideas.
and then we had to go to church, we were travelling around and had lots of suitcases.
but anyway, we were in church and the priest found out that i had a website he considered to be porn so i put me on "the hotlist". which was actually like a blacklist. and this got around in the congratation like wildfire and the only way i could redeem myself in the eyes of this church was to denounce what i had done and say it was in the past and apologize. well, there was no way i was going to do that and i stood up in the middle of the service and abruptly yelled "this is a woman's issue and need's to be addressed!"
and the entire congregation was appalled.
jaosn was so angry. he took me outside and said that i must denounce what i have done even if i don't mean it so at least his family can still be associated with me because if they associate with me and i don't denounce what i have done (my nude photos) then the whole congregation will shun his family, to and then they won't be able to eat at all the social clubs they are accustomed to eating at and he doesn't want his mom to have to deal with finding a new place to eat. and he tells me that if he has to choose between his mom or me then he chooses his mom. because he won't put his family through having to find all new restaurants.
and i say, "don't you understand this is an issue about women's rights! women should have the right to take off their clothes when they want to , especially in their own home! and if a social club doesn't let me in because of this then they are doing to be what they did to the black people by saying i am some lesser "unholier" being!"
and jason got SO upset that i would even insinuate that anything i was going through was like what black people have gone through as if i could never FATHOM oppression that he just stormed off and i was left crying on the church yard.
when he came back he had my suitcases and pooka and he looked like he was going to confinscate them and keep them.
i wrestled pooka away from him but didn't fight him over the suitcases. as long as i had pooka.
but then he said inside my suitcases he had put his new weapon inside (which he had recently invented) which was this round twirly razor thing like those kung fu stars and be remote control he could turn it on inside my suitcase where then it would rip apart everything that was inside.
and i just said go ahead and do that then if that is what you are going to do but i would really hope you wouldn't and you'd just give me my suitcase back.
but he wanted me to fight for it, but i wouldn't.
so he switched on the remote control and everything that was in there, all my favourite posessions in the world were ripped apart. my passport, and cheques, my favourite silk velvet dresses, my journals...

and i cried and just knew i had to let go of it because it was detroyed and that was that and to right away figure out a plan how i would get back to my home all alone with no passport or money or anything and i held pooka close and tried to figure out a plan, as we were in a foreign country. i was in survival mode and had no luxury to grieve over all my lost possessions.

jason left and i unzipped the suitcase and found that it wasn't really my suitcase at all, he had just bought a cheap copy of mine and it was all a test to see how materialistic i was. if i had fought for the suitcase then he would have known i was only into his family for the money but because i had let him destroy it he then knew that my love for him was real.

i thought, what a horrible trick and to put me through that.
and how could he not know my love is real and i was so insulted that he thought i loved him for his money.

BUT i wanted to know where my real suitcase was so i could get the hell out of there and fly home.

and i was crying and crying on the yard and his mother came up to me and i explained to her everything.
and she said the family of course wanted me still in it and i didn't have to denounce anything.
and that she was sure that jason would want me back and that we could work things out.

but i knew i could not go back to him after what he had just put me through.

and i cried and i cried "i've given him seven years of my LIFE!"
and i cried and cried and cried because i knew it was over, even tho i loved his family so much, what he had put me through was unforgivable and cruel and that he had wanted me to denounce my life
and who i am and what i do just so he wouldn't have to listen to his his family argue over what new restauraunts to eat at.
and that he didn't see this as a women's right issue.
or a human's right issue.
and he just wanted me to lie and pretend i didn't do it to save face so everything could look just fine on the surface.

finally, i got my suitcases back. i don't know.
strangers came up to me and gave me suitcases maybe.
and i was trying to sort through them and see if they were really mine.
and some were and some weren't.
one was a suitcase full of old mohair sweaters that obviously belonged to a punk grunge guy somewhere.
and i wanted them but i knew this person was probably looking for them.
and then jason wanted them and he held them up to himself and then they were these flimsy made hand made jumpsuits that were kind of this punk trendy style that was just starting to go out of fashion. and i thought they were kind of cute anyway. but they were way too small and all falling apart so i left them hoping the rightful owner would find them.

and then i sorted through other suitcases that were full of newspapers and comics.
and some were witchcraft newspapers and some were these eco friendly womyn type newspapers.
and i thought "if the church finds me with THESE the will REALLY have a fit!"
but i took one of the witchcraft ones and one of the woman ones, and then a bunch of the comics that looked cool. but left stacks of other newspapers and comics and magazines behind knowing i'd never read them.
i wish i could rememever what the woman one was called. it was something really happy like "the giggle women".

and then i found a suitcase with all these gifts people had given me. but they were so heavy and many were made of metal. so many people had given me metal birds that were meant to put on a fence and they would rock and and forth in the wind. (how symbolic is THAT? things for sitting on fences??)

and i thought, how odd, that i have this collection of birds to stick on a fence all given to me by different women. if i had a fence, they would look all so cool and colourful together. but since i didn't own a fence, or even a yard or a house, and i wanted to travel light, i gave all these birds away to other women.

pretty soon i had gotten rid of almost everything i had been travelling with, which i realized i had just been traveling with a heck of a lot of stuff i didn't need at all. all this heavy heavy stuff.
and i got things down to just one suitcase, and in fact even THAT suitcase was 1/2 empty!

+++

and that's all i can remember of the dream.

but it's left me in this very "purgeful" mood, even more so.
i think the mother in the dream might represent my dad.

i can't wait until i am down to one suitcase and even that one is 1/2 empty for new things for new travels!
i want to get the fuck OUT of "here", my mind state.


and i've been picking up dog hair and the comforter i washed doesn't look any cleaner, sadly.
the wine stains are still on it. so hard to keep things white.
picked up other misc trash.
then started sorting through a box of treasure that jdcasten gave me.

and the card inside has this "get out of jail free" card inside it like the game of monopoly.
and that almost made me cry, but i stopped because once i start i will not stop and i am still in survival mode and i just do not want to cry.

but i stuck that card on my fridge and plan to use it very soon!

so, i'm just trying to pick stuff up off the floor to vacuum.
and i even been keeping the pink peanuts and the large box my wicker chair came in to make cool photos from.
but i realize that i just have to get these out of my house now because it's clogging stuff up now.
and the time has passed where i want to express myself curled up inside a box trying to get out.

that's not something i want to create at this time.
i mean , i do, i wish i could just "blink" these photos into creation, because they are cool photos in my mind.
but i'm sorry, i don't have the time or energy to create them now.
i have to move on.

but other boxes will come along and right now i need shit to be CLEAR in here.

and i need to move this energy right on through to get past this glumped up phase i'm in.

it looks like it might be raining out or something.
or it looks drizzly or hazy or something.
everything about this day is so symbolic.

down to every song that plays on my stereo.

it's like i am living in a dream.
which i am.

as i said in my song "spoons for seven"
"i live all my daydreams outloud
turn this silent firefly to sound"

and that is what i must do and get back to music.

again, i have to post the lyrics to frou frou's "let go"
song, which with each passing month means more and more to me (and today even the word bubblewrap as i am cleaning up the pink peanuts and pink bubblewrap) and is pretty much the theme song of my life since whenever i bought that cd:

(and of course i go to find the lyrics and i find them and a "trojan" is detected on my computer by my virus protection software so now it's scanning all my files. god, those lyrics sites are so nefarious)

Artist: Frou Frou Lyrics
Song: Let Go Lyrics

Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply

So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

and now bjork sings "all is full of love"

and it is.

*tears*

i'm going to go squish my beasts.

 

1:56pm

it's only 47 degrees. where did all the 67 degree weather go? the dandelions were out last i saw but that as awhile ago and now i wonder if they are white poofs aalready or has the cold stilted their growth?
i have to get outside to see today even if it's cold.
i have to take some pictures.
1st tho, a coke in my fridge (the breakfast of champions) , i think my comforter may be dry enough to eat least put on my bed to dry out more. and then a bath.
then hopefully outside to check up on dandelion status and send a package out at the p.o.
it's a heavy one and i don't relish the tonight of carrying it.

3:48pm

other posts for the photos (please ignore the comments in that community, people are so snobby and catty):

http://www.livejournal.com/community/foto_decadent/329260.html

and this:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/perforation/88363.html

and

http://www.livejournal.com/community/foto_decadent/322743.html

and

http://www.livejournal.com/community/foto_decadent/317497.html

and

http://www.livejournal.com/community/foto_decadent/311741.html

and

http://www.livejournal.com/community/foto_decadent/311463.html

and

http://www.livejournal.com/community/foto_decadent/310024.html

 

no more words :)

 

2:55am

boink!

*thinking thinking thinking way too much thinking*

but a lot of thinking that i never type down is all the art i look at everyday and how it affects me.
i belong to so many lj photo communities and watch lots of people on DA.
the sheer volumne of cool pictures i have saved is ridiculous.
i look and look and look and look
and take it in and in and in and out
i don't think i ever write much about what i think of this art or that art, i mostly just post you links to things i think are interesting.
i write and write and write about how people and their actions affect me , but i don't
verbalize about all the photos and other visuals i take in every day.
i say things to the artists like "how freaking coo!" or "this is amazing!" and that sounds kind of trite, but it's just because i can't verbalize it.
i may verbalize about how the people's comments to those photos affect me, but not the actual photos themselves.
i find it difficult to talk about how i am affected by art.
i just take it in at an instinctual gutteral level and i don't form words about it.
i talked about art a bit today in someone's journal and it just kind of repulsed me.
i hate intellectualizing it.
it just takes away the magic.
why do i feel that way?
i will intellectualize myself or why i do this or that or make this or that and why others make this or that or say this and that but i don't talk about..like say, a dress i see...
and go "oh, the flowing layers of chiffon remind of an underwater..."
ok, right there it's the words "reminds me"
that's it right there.
to say "this is like" or "this reminds me of" takes you one step away from what the thing actually is.
but of course that is what all writing is...sort of.
sometimes writing takes you a step closer to something.
but that is a different sort of writing.
THIS kind of writing is just...nervous energy.

oh my GOD would someone PLEASE shut off my brain?
this is making me nuts now!
i'm just typity typity type.
everything i say is seriously pointless!
what am i even trying to convey to you right now?
good grief help me get to the POINT!

i'm having anxiety and this is my way of dealing with it.
just typing nonstop about absolutely nothing.
just these blah blah blah ponderings but i can't seem to express myself in the way i want.

i need to stop trying to express myself in words.

at least in this way.

this LITERAL way.

i cannot be literal.

or something.

i need to just stop typing and find something else to do because this is silly.

i think maybe i should even erase all of this.

i never feel like erasing my writing, but all of a sudden i do.

and now i want to think about THAT and why is THAT?

why? because this is just...not effective.
i am not being a very effective communicator right now.

all i want to say is...
i see lots of art every day.
it makes little wheels in me churn.
and then sometimes these little wheels churn out more wheels for you.
and then maybe it makes your wheels churn.
and there you have it.

what more can be said about that?
i mean, duh.

all this text isn't even what i'm thinking..FEELING..., it's a fraction of a copy of what WAS thinking/feeling...watered down.

nothing more can be said about it because these things are visual and to type about...what is the saying?
writing about music is like dancing about architecture...or something.

brain shutting down now.
going to listen to coast to coast.
god, i feel like some sort of angsty high school student pondering if there is a god or something because i smoked some pot.
and it's grossing me out.

i think i've already typed about this a billion time before, too.
like a million years ago. so why am i typing it again?
because i'm nervous? insomnia?

i am repulsed by my pseudo intellectual shallow verbosity.

and so...

i shall stop...i hope :)

goodnight.

i just wish i could make pages and pages of all the photos i have ever saved from the net through all the years because i want to show you all of it.

 

2:15am

let's just move on to the next day NOW :)

well, this is heartening, i hope it will be true!

Horoscope for Aries (April 26 2005)

You will impress everyone today. Teaching and learning will be the order of the day. Keeping an open mind will be what guides you to something or someone that turns out to be extremely helpful.

and

Favorable results
Your energies are high, you feel good, and you believe that you can do twice as much work as usual, which you probably can. This time is also favorable for most business activity, for your actions are blessed with insight that helps you succeed in business where others might fail. For the same reason, this is a good time for making decisions. You have a very clear sense of yourself and your needs, so that you can make decisions according to your best interests, in the largest and most enlightened sense of the phrase. If you must take chances or do something that you can't foresee the outcome of, this is as good a time as any. Your optimism now creates a positive energy that will attract favorable results from your gamble. Besides, you have the sense at this time to avoid any real risky ventures.