april 25th, 2005
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my eye actually looks all pretty when i colour saturated it like that.
some make up artists would have to train to get an eye looking that artistic.
me? no, i was trip into chairs and voila!

the sky captain movie was good. i wish i had gotten to see it on the large screen.
then after that i finally got to the the season finale's of the surreal life that had mini me and jane weidlin in it (i love her) and a strange love with flavor flav and gitte. ah, i'm so glad i finally got to see those :)
i guess i'll go check on my comforter in the tub and see how much water got drained or if i have to squeeze it then hang it up. then when it gets a bit more dry i can stick it in the dryer to get it all the way dry.

i am going to miss my comforter tonight :/
i don't know what i will do for warmth. maybe wear 2 sweaters?

tomorrow is a new day.
i pray for good dreams tonight.

 

8:24pm

i'm off to watch that sky captain movie at jason's

8:03pm

cleaned the tub.
then took my white comforter and tried to get as much dog hair off of it as i possible could then stuck it in my tub with bleac and laundry detergent because it's too big for my washer.
what an exhausting process. imagine of one had to do all of one's laundry that way.
washers and dryers are a beautiful thing.
still, it's because of modern conveniences like that we don't get as much excercise in our day just by doing normal daily routines. you didn't have to "schedule" in excercise because EVERYthing you did was excercise.
working in the garden, washing the clothes, milking the cows, mopping the floor.....

6:49pm

oh! i'm procrastinating! what a surprise!

she made wonderful things today click this link to see the photos

5:59pm

i ate a tiny piece of smoked cheese.
i'm just not hungry.

i'm making another soup.
2 steaks, 1 red onion, whole bulb of fresh garlic, 2 huge yams, salt, sweet curry powder.
then i stuck in all these gross veggie meatballs made of soy and whatever they are made of.
the texture of them are nasty so i hope they just melt into the soup and add more of a thickness to the broth rather than stay their meatball state. we shall see if that was a mistake to add them in. i sure hope not.
what can i say, i am the mad scientist of soups.

i throw stuff in and boil it just to see what it will do.

i'm fucking antsy. maye it's all the dr. pepper i had today.
i feel good i did laundry, started making a weird book thing, and am making a soup.
gathered trash. need to vacuum. need to take a bath.
need to scrub out the tub.
need to get the maintenance guy to come fix my toilet as it just runs and runs.
i don't want anyone up here tho.
so the toilet will just have to run until i can deal with smelly maintenance men coming in and making even more of mess of things here than they already are.

jason will be home soon, he says.

i don't know what to do with myself right now.
i hate these in between times where i am lost.
i just want to keep doing things because i know if i stop doing things i will get sucked into a huge depressive staring and sighing stage which will eventually lead to crying.
and i don't want to go there and do that.
i'm trying to avoid that at all costs.

if i had just a little bit MORE energy i'd go into the thing room and take pictures of me inside that box.
but i don't know...that might be more of a task that i am willing to take on right now.

i don't want to turn on the tv. there is nothing on anyway.
and i'm not in the mood for music.

why am i so hard on myself?
or am i being to easy on myself?
i can't tell.

all i know is rent will be do soon and all the bills and...just fuck. that whole cycle.
*i can't think about it i just have to keep doing things and hope it all sorts itself out because thinking about it will only lead down the path i don't want to go*

one step at a time. one minute at a time.
soon this day will be over with and i can go to sleep.

ok, so i will type here about nothing. let's see.
umm. it's 48 degrees.
i turned on the magnetic fields to see if that might be something i want to listen to.
i don't think so.
pooka is eating and i can him him crunch.
he takes one pellet at a time from the bowl in the hallway then he brings it into the bedroom to eat it.

deiter does this, too, sometimes. although deiter just tries to drag the bowl into the bedroom by his teeth.

ok, no...not the magnetic fields cannot listen to this.

i'll try some milla

the sun is going down...or let's just say it's getting darker as there wasn't much sun today.

i should point the cam at myself but i just can't.
*guilt myself out* whatever.

type type type
blah blah blah.
who am i even typing to anyway.

i should be writiing this in my paper journal that i haven't been writing in.

i should be handwriting this in my artbook for no reason except for there just to be text in it.
and sometimes text is pretty even if it means nothing.

shut up brain shut up.

ok, i don't want milla either.
maybe pink floyd. that's always a nice mellow standard.
comforting. familiar.
dark side of the moon.
yes. that's good.
*wallow wallow*

*make fun of myself feel stupid awkward get a sense of humour just do something*

i'll go scrub the tub.
i can do that.
it doesn't take brain power.
it requires no thinking yet still keeps my brain occupied.

sorry i don't have the energy to drag the cam in there so you can watch me scrub the tub, and you know how much you want to see THAT because that, well, that is just internet entertainment at it's finest, yes?

where else can you see a crazed red haired woman scrub her tub live on the internet?

ummm. nowhere but here! (sometimes)

i don't see anyone ELSE scrubbing their tubs live on the internet.
nope, i think i'm pretty much the only left who does that sort of thing.

which makes me now go have the energy to drag that 20 pound cam on unweildy tripod through many pink peanuts and a metal gate and hope i don't unplug anything in the process or get another black eye.

'cause dammit. i'm going to give you tub scrubbing internet entertainment.
it's the LEAST i can do.

i am reminded now about when people say "oh being on cam is SO easy i could do that"

and i say, ya, maybe so but can you do it for almost EIGHT YEARS?
no, you cannot.
THAT, my friends, is where the real trick is.
hell fucking ya.

go me! i've got the world's biggest ball of string!
i ate the most hamburgers within 60 seconds!
i put 77 pencils up my nose!
go me!

ha fucking ha. fuck.
yes, i know , it's more than that. well, it IS.
i'm just making fun of myself to try and lighten my mood or some damn thing.

seriously. i don't know what i'm trying to do writing all this crap.
oh ya, i was passing the time so i didn't have to think about things.

i don't think that is working very well but it's giving my hands something to do with that nervous energy.

i used to out that energy into crocheting. something for my hands to do with the nervous energy.

i have to get back to that.
that is WAY better than typing this kind of crap in here.
seriously.

even if it's really stupid hat, it's better than typing a bunch of really stupid words.

but you have to give me a break, i have to give myself a break.
or do i?
again the question...am i being too lazy or too hard on myself?
or both?

can a person do both at the same time?

am i making anything worthwhile?

or is it just quantity over quality?

i thought the x ray photos were pretty cool.
they werent like "oh my god my mind is being blown away by the brilliance" but it was like "hey, A for effort and they are pretty!"
don't you think? and that has to count for something don't you think?

i think it does. i think it has to count for something.

i'm off to scrub the tub.

i can smell the soup starting to make my house smell good.
i like that. it makes it feel like it's a home.
a happy house home where good things happen.
comforting happy things like tea and soup and creatures purring.

 

4:47pm

the angsty bitter bad rhyming cliched lyrics of the day, brought to you by goth girl #47847347843:

hiding my pain behind heart shaped glasses
i did it to myself before the masses

i don't want a drug
i want a violent solution

hush little baby don't you cry
mama's gonna make you go bye bye

turning 39 was such a thrill
time cuts through me against my will

i won't see my mother until i'm dead
on her dying breath what will be said?

hush little baby don't you cry
mama's gonna make you go bye bye

i don't want a drug
i want a violent solution

+++

i think i'll go make some ramen now. or a steak.
actually this part sould be part of the lyrics ,too.

except it should say:

i think i'll go cook a bloody steak
to give myself a fucking break.

(from bad poetry)

if only i had some stereo speakers i could go blast my vinyl bauhaus records now for extra wallowing effect.
but i'll have to stick with suede since that's what i have on mp3.
damn, it's 2003.

(sorry i just wanted to rhyme. damn you 2005 for not rhyming with mp3!)

fuck you 2005
i hope i make it out alive.

how about that?

ya, rock and roll.
*shakes fist like billy idol*

ok...off to cook some food.

oh wait, here's some spam poetry:

antiviral combination used to manage human HIV infection best:

Ay. said I to myself, and not to the daft limmer, and did they come at a dyke-side, drank of the ditch, and had no roof but the rain.
Surrounded by the rosy light, and standing high upon the deck, children to be specially nice to father. Lovely dances followed, in
easily be rendered ineffective or speedily removed, are called, not would have believed anything I might have taken it into my head to
labouring ever since our explosive meeting. When poor Mrs. him, and again and again he hewed a clear space. He had lifted up
barrister, or attorneys clerk or barristers clerk, but of two or charged against him and proven, would have subjected him to the
The gentlemans name, Wendy continued, was Mr. Darling, and her they look on; and there was one thing I determined to do when I began
I keep that room to myself still; but I cannot always desert Mrs. vices of spirit and errors of opinion that sufficed to madden the
had run to bring him in, and I had not yet clearly seen his face, Ay, Alan, man, the day, sure enough, said I. Its past twelve now,
my little man, she said, though he was as tall as herself, and she with a baby in her arms and her shoes down at heel, never left off
only pretty well. I havent much to boast of. If I could see my her at the flowers and the blades of grass, but she did not see
me that since his retirement from scholastic life, he had been John said that if the worst came to the worst, all they had to do
somewhat distant one, and when the Indomitable was almost at her dark wintry sands towards the old boat; the wind sighing around us
said Mr. Chillip, looking at me like an admiring Robin. did it too. And with that passed on. Not noted by Billy, as not
for any light it threw upon her thoughts; until she broke silence topmen aloft and other sailors in the waist or further forward.
For long the two enemies looked at one another, Hook shuddering shapes of corner houses upon me, as we went along, that I might
dear Mr. Copperfield, and in the presence of Mr. Traddles, who, sticks for firewood, and then when he returned the others would be
obliged to take em both together. She gave her evidence in the please to set, said I. I would not be thought too wily; but if I
but about this time Peter invented, with Wendys help, a new game that erected on the site of the little Wicket-Gate, which formerly, as
the following short note, which had arrived by that mornings post but Wendy understood, and she was just slightly disappointed when he

4:11pm

so i printed out pictures until my printer ran out of ink.
it was symbolic as it kind fo turned into the pain about my mom and life and how by the end pictures of me screaming it was only left with faint red and yellow inks as if i was being slowly erased. a scream into a xerox machine (whatever that means , it just sounds like a cool phrase john foxx would say. hmmm. maybe a future lyric. i even wrote out a few lyrics today for something, something which rarely do and who knows if they will ever make it into a song).
i was blank as i was printing out the photos and then twoards at the end when it started to mean something to me it almost made me cry which is when i wrote the lyrics and then i felt all dumb and goth and emo for doing that.
damn it.
anyway, so i counted how many sheets i printed out and it was 38, so i thought perfect, i'll go colour xerox my hand and write 39 on it and that will be the front of this "book", since i am 39 now it made it all the more cool.
thankfully the printer place by my house accomodates my weird printing needs.
and i felt like a total freak as i was getting my hand xeroxed and my hand was shaking and it made me feel like they might think i am some sort of speeded out punk person with a fucking black eye.
wearing fcuking sunglasses in the middle of a super grey day.
i feel like such a loser with this fucking black eye.
i guess it's because i have been with violent boyfriends and i just don't want people to assume i am a victim of some sort of abuse because i am a woman with a black eye. it makes me feel like people will think i am weak or out of my mind.
maybe this is all in my head.
i don't know. i just feel like a total loser with this stupid black eye.
maybe i would feel better about it if it hadn't been that i did it to myself by drinking too much wine and then tripping into a chair.
and when you tell people that story i feel they are looking at my saying "riiiiiiiight, you tripped into a chair...NOT! you a a victim of domestic abuse and you are lying!"

argh.

so when i was at the printers i used their marker and wrote 39 on my hand and that's the cover of this thing.
my black eye is the back cover. both laminated and then all 39 pages spirally bound.

cost at printers an even lucky # 7 bucks even.

now i might draw over some of these pix or add words or somethiing.

where the FUCK is all my acrylic paint??
i am so pissed that i cannot find it!
it's such a mystery as to how all my paint can disappear into the bowels of the thing room.
it swallows things i swear.

i feel good that even tho i was almost swallowed , too, i used my spaced out numbness to just sit and print out my photos with no black ink.
also so symbolic because of why there was no black ink.
like my mother had almost stolen that colour from my palette.

the black was for my mother.

i don't know what i'm saying.
i don't know what i'm doing.

i'm going to go try and eat something.

right after i sort through some photos to put up here.

here they are:

 

 

 

1:50pm

i'm printing some of my photos out since i am just sitting here in front of my printer unable to move.
it's out of black ink because all i the text i printed out for the mom thing.
so the pictures are turning out interesting.
i'll just keep printing until i am out of colur ink and then maybe bind it all into an art book of some sort.
i don't know.
i have zero clue what i am doing.

i'm just doing.

and listening to kylie.

1:28pm

someone commented on my DA page in french and i put it through the altavista babelfish translator and it said this:

"You are the artist Internet, who I have been for several years... I was never disappointed because you do not make that to progress... Your ideas are original, as well in drawings, photographs, as in music... You do not have shame of your body and you are right well... You ace remake your centres and they are perfect for the photographs that you show us... One sees that you like the life in all his forms, drinking, eating, kissing etc well... You has the faithful friendship and it is increasingly rare... Continue like that, as long as that amuses you and stimulates your creative faculties..."

:)

12:32pm

mouseovers:

check out the cool pix i made in yesterday's anagram

i have no idea what i will do with this day.
it's very cold and grey.
i'm listening to landscape and drinking diet dr. pepper.
i haven't been walking or excercising lately.
i need to get back on that.
the greyness and coldness of this is making want to cocoon like a little hedgehog.
i turned my oven on for some heat.
which is funny because yesterday i tried to turn on the air conditioning.
and i had it on full blast and it wouldn't work, even tho they said they had turned it on for this building now.
but i don't believe them.
i don't know why my house was so hot inside yesterday it was only 50 degrees outside.
but today it's so cold in here i am wearing my hat/scarf thing and layers.
i feel like doing something really calm today, but i don't know what that is.
i still don't really feel "myself" lately.
still in a depression over having to get a restraining order on my mom and just , i feel really sad and drained and angry about it. it's so surreal. i just...don't know how to process it. i can't.
i'm just trying to get on with my days like a normal person and just try to keep on going but it's hard because i am depressed. sure there are hours here and there where i am happy and fine but then it all comes crashing down on me again.

had exhausting dreams , i don't even feel like typing them out.
i really need to sink my teeth into a project, like making a new record.
but because i am depressed nothing really appeals to me. i feel just kind of "flat" emotionally.
i don't know...as i say every day i will just keep moving forward bit by bit and at least trfy to keep up with the household chores and taking care of myself and taking vitamins and stuff.
just...keep going.
oh ya..and getting to the p.o. fuck.
i have so many friggin things to take to the p.o.
and i REALLY don't want to go there today.
bah.

it's hilarious to read what i write here and then to look down and see my happy happy horoscopes that say i should be feeling the opposite of what i am feeling right now.


+++

Horoscope for Aries (April 25 2005)

You will have the discipline to see matters through to completion. Financial and legal concerns can be resolved. Making alterations to your home will turn out splendidly if you do some of the work yourself.

and

Making yourself clear
Valid during several weeks: This influence is generally good for the flow of ideas and communication between you and others. You are intellectually alive, curious and willing to learn. This is a good day to attend a lecture or a class in some subject. You are willing to have people challenge your ideas and thereby broaden your thinking. At the same time you are happy to share your insights on any subject. Thus all interchange with others today should be fruitful and expansive, both for yourself and for the people you meet. Travel is sometimes indicated by this influence, although usually not over long distances. In the course of daily business you may cover a lot more ground than usual. This is a good day for conferences and negotiations in which it is important to make yourself clear to others.