today's anagram

april 22nd, 2005
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6:31pm

oh bummer, we forgot that my dvd player is dead.
it's dead, jim.
so....i guess no more watching dvds at my house for a good long while.
*sigh*
so....
i'm trying to get in the mindset to go over to jason's which i am having a hard time getting in the mindset to do.
it's hard to explain, even tho the reasons are simple.
god, i just made that all sound more cryptic than it needs to be.
i just want to be around my things and the dogs.
there, i said it. how hard was that?
seriously, i think i blew a fuse in my brain and the little synpapse things that hold things together are fried and repairing themselves now.
i am saying sentences outloud like "slowly it will be a good intermission" to jason when what i meant is,
"i'll be over to your house in a minute as soon as i adjust my mindset to knowing i will be at your house and not mine this evening"

it's like whatever part of my brain is connected to my speaking is connected to the altavista babelfish translator machine and translating my english into italian into chinese and then back into english!

"slowly it will be a good intermission"?

hahaha :) i just have to laugh at that!

my brain is FRIED like a pancake, i'm telling you.
it's about as good as my dvd player.

6:19pm

jason and i are going to watch the next 2 episodes of "tink tailor soldier spy"
i hope i can understand it because my brain is really not functioning very well lately.
kind of fragmented. my mind wanders. hard for me to even have a conversation.
i keep having trouble remembering words even.
when i was at the post office i couldn't form sentences very well and when i left a message on the voicemail of my server i also could not speak very well. and just now when jason came over i realized i also am having trouble forming complete sentences. i totally can TYPE but i just cannot talk.
very odd!

ok, off to spend time with my man...

5:47pm

jason is coming over soon to snuggle me :)

+++

maybe someone from australia can set me straight on this sentence i received from an australian:

" I live in a world where artistic and intellectual property cannot be protected so therefore have endless choices which don’t require a commercial transaction."

what does he mean by this?
does he mean NOTHING in australia can be copyrighted or what?
i mean, how would an artist make money then? or anyone?

or is he living in some star trek fantasy land?

just what on earth? does he means he lives in a hippy commune and so everything is completely free?
does he live in the gadren of eden?

can someone tell me?

here was the email so you can get the context (which contains many passive aggressive jabs at me mixed in a bunch of "niceness") btw, all the other emails i received from australia were VERY GENUINELY kind and good!:

"I cannot say that I have perused your entire site but it was sufficiently impressive to motivate this email. I have been reading your bio, trying to understand your purpose in engaging in such an elaborate enterprise.

I thought a response to my little visit would be an interesting diversion from a day spent gardening.

When I realized that here is a person making a living by creating this artificial persona my response was inevitably conditioned by what this entails. As an artistic project the revenue generating elements of the enterprise would be the main aesthetic weaknesses of what, no doubt, is a sincere undertaking.

Unfortunately when it comes to coughing up money for your site I am not that enthused. I live in a world where artistic and intellectual property cannot be protected so therefore have endless choices which don’t require a commercial transaction.

I became aware of your project through a documentary shown locally here in Australia. I thought it strange, and decided to look for your website.

Personally, I find a lot of your photography very art-schoolish. Your crochet, now that is much, much more artistically interesting. Now, responding to these questions:

what do YOU see here? what do YOU think this site is about? and what does that say about YOU? :) what does it say about your ideas, morals, ethics, boundaries, state of mind...when you feel and think about this site? that is my question to you...

You ask a rather complicated series of questions here. Honestly, I find webcams insanely boring and have not spent much time watching a small static image regardless of what it promises. Perhaps I will form a more definite opinion if I manage to catch some more of your webcam over the next couple of weeks."

---

this especially irks me:

"When I realized that here is a person making a living by creating this artificial persona my response was inevitably conditioned by what this entails. As an artistic project the revenue generating elements of the enterprise would be the main aesthetic weaknesses of what, no doubt, is a sincere undertaking."

so the main weakness of my project is that i make money from it?
that is an "aesthetic weakness"??
an artist trying to make a LIVING?

and my "artificial persona"??? WTF?

i'm glad his "little visit" was a nice diversion from his gardening, pompous fucktard.

anyway.

EVERYONE ELSE FROM AUSTRALIA sent me the greatest KINDEST emails!!!
i mean, all the emails i received from australia not that EVERYone from australia wrote to me :) ha :)
that would be quite a LOT of emails!!!

this email came in a few days ago and i've been stewing about it in bits and pieces here and there.
and so i thought i'd just put it in here as my way to kind of get rid if it from my mind.
sometimes the act of just documenting it can make me be able to let it go and move on in my life.
i don't know if that makes snese to anyone here, but that is what works for me to get stuff out of me so i can move on to other thoughts.

i'm actually in a much better mood with each passing day.
i'm working things out.
now it's the weekend so i get to see jason for a bit.
tomorrow we are going to see the band M83 which i am excited about :)

i'm going to take the sheets out of the dryer now so i have nice clean sheets to lay on and mush with all my puppies and boyfriend who just walked in the door right this second.

4:48pm

i really do think that all this porn spam i receive should be treated as sexual harrassment and dealt with legally as such.
if you walked up to some woman on the street and said to her the stuff that is in this spam you'd definitely get hit with a sexual harrassment lawsuit.

i totally feel sexually harrassed by this porn spam that i get minutely.
it's really hard on my psyche to keep seeing all this sexual violence being spewed at me beyond my control by total strangers 60 times an hour. 24/7 for years.

thingie, what was that spam blocker software you bought?
i can't remember what it was called but i have to get some.

if ever i meet one of these people who sends spam out, especially of the violent porn kind, i am going to dump a huge bucket of elephant cum into every orifice they have using one of those machines they use to spray cement. i think i will even make some new orifices to shove it in.
and then i'll tell them how much they LOVE it, bitch.

4:36pm

got to the p.o. sent off 2 packages.
got some cardcoard tubes to mail posters and i do think they are big enough. yay!
there is a big "event" outside that is just about to start and i'm really glad i got the heck inside before it started because i am NOT in the mood to see people.

thanks for the birthday card, mphand!
at 1st i couldn't make out who it was from because, like all doctors, your handwriting is hard to read! (but my handwriting is worse!:)
ha :) i've never seen a card like that before! very cute :)

3:03pm

more writing to friends. load of laundry, load of dishes, gave pooka his medicine.
cup of green tea with ginger.
so much to do i wish i could clone myself.

must make things to sell.
must do taxes.
ok, off to the p.o.

i also found out there is abandoned building around here that guess you can get into.
it's, obviously, in a direction i never walk or else i would have known about it.
i hope this weekend to get into it and take photos in there!

called my server to change the password to my stats page because i can't remember what the password is because i haven't looked there in a gazillion years but i'm curious to look there as that documentary i was in was shown in australia. but my new password isn't in effect yet so i can't see yet.

2:36pm

boots on.
now to brush my teeth.
i type in here all this pointless information to you because this is me procrastinating.
music playing: madonna

i'm sure these updates are thrilling you.

2:19pm

well, maybe those red things coming out of the beet were not leaves but roots?
because today they looked shrivelled, and so, i flipped th beet the other way and put the red things in the dirt,.
i have NO idea which way that beet is supposed to go.

hummus eaten.

more writing done to my friends who are also going through frustrating times.

oh, i just remembered another dream as i looked out my window and see lots of clouds.
i dreamed i saw a lot of tornadoes and they were coming our way, i was trying to get me and this whole family into the hosue but i couldn't get them to go into the basement.
it was a really old brick mansion that had lasted for hundreds of years and so they thought it couldn't be hurt by any tornadoes simply because the house had been around so long they thought it was indescrutable.
and i couldn't discern if this house had survived tornadoes before or if these people were just clueless.
but i still wanted to get them to the basement anyhow just in case, because these were MONSTER tornadoes coming and the wind way making everything blow horizontally. no one would listen to me and it was chaos. so i just tried to figure out where the basement of this house even was so at least i could get in it.

and that's all i can remember about that dream.

1:58pm

am i doing anything? nope.
i'm just sitting here listening to elastica and writing some emails and other things of writing.
i think i will eat some hummus.
there it's settled. i now have made ONE decision today that brings me 5 minutes closer to getting to that darn P.O.

1:24pm

it's SO freaking weird seeing that chair in the thing room.
(the curly wicker one)
it's like seeing a ghost from my past...just...how can it be that i have that chair back?
also it seems likes it's the exact chair i had...except i know it's not the EXACT one, it just looks exactly like it!
it's BIZARRE to see it in there, it evokes all this weird emotion in me that i don't feel like exploring because i'm so sick to death of feeling anything. (don't worry it's all GOOD feelings)
it's just, i'm so sick of THINKING that i cannot even bear to think about why it's so freaky seeing that chair in there.
actually, now i'm thinking about it just by typing this out.
and i don't think it's anything deep.
it's just freaky to see something from your past. it feels like i've gone back in time.
or just..something.
weird to see something from from my past that i thought was gone from my life forever all of a sudden HERE in my house NOW. like seeing some old childhood toy.

thank you mya, btripp, and marcio!

1:18pm

i think i might make meatballs with that sourdough.
or bread pudding. or both.

12:40pm

my mom deleted her (18th) journal.
i'm sure she'll be back.
i had a dream she was back trying to disguise herself as a man.

then i had a terrible dream where my mom's husband called me to tell me that my brother was close to dying and i thought this was just some horrible trick to get me to see him and my mother.
but he said it was true and that my brother wanted to die and so my mom's husband gave him a bunch of sleeping pills so he could kill himself :( and so they were just all waiting around for my brother to die as they watched him sleep.

that dream probably has to do with the fact that my dad emailed me the other day to say that my brother isn't doing very well in treatment and that the treament people aren't getting my brother to "dig deep" enough.
well, i wonder where my brother learned THAT skill to just bury everything deep inside and then never learn to access it?

ah yes, now i see the symbolism of the sleeping pills.

fucking tragic beyond tragic.

i am really scared for my brother and feel he could die.
i'm sure he wants to for many reasons.

tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of my friend sonia's death

for me, i think i'm doing a little bit better today.

it's gotten colder, it's back in the lower 50's instead of the upper 60's (Farenheit). and before that seemed warm but now it seems cold because of all that nice weather we had.

i have SO much i have to do, i don't even know where to begin.
what i WANT to do is read or stare but what i have to do is get to the p.o. and get a package sent off. i wish i had a car so i could just do them all at once insted of this one of a time thing.

and then i am going to buy a cardboard tube package thing and bring that home and hope to god my poster will fit in it that i must send a few people.

i have this feeling it will not be long enough and i'm going to have to make it to somewhere that has bigger tubes, where ever that may be.

i just hope the post office has them.

all the dogs are fine :) pooka is back to his normal self thanks to you all! i'm so happy he's better! i praise the stars for his little pure lightbeing and all you wonderful people who helped me pay the bill so he could thrive!

i guess what i'll do now is put on some music, and get dressed and eat something and get myself to the p.o. and hope i don't run into anyone on the way there or back.
just one step at a time. one foot in front of the other. slow and steady and remember to breathe, i tell myself.

at least i know my mom cannot contact me, and that is a big load off my shoulders. also, my dad told me that she is not going to contest it. and i sure hope she wasn't lying to him.
i don't know why she would contest it since i have all the evidence and my case is solid and she has nothing to back anything up because everything she is saying isn't based in any sort of reality.
and it's nice to know her journal is deleted.
(at least for now).

i'm just doing everything i can to ground myself and take care of myself and keep moving forward in life.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (April 22 2005)

Stop struggling so hard, and everything will start to fall into place. Taking on too much and getting stressed by the mounting responsibilities will only set you back. Get help if you need it.

and

Far from difficult
This influence is far from difficult. In fact, it usually denotes an extremely pleasant time when you reach out to others to give and receive affections. It is usually good for relationships and may indicate the start of significant new ones. One of the few problems that can come with this influence is a reluctance to voice your real complaints for fear of being unpleasant. You will try to smooth over ruffled feelings wherever you go. You will enjoy being with people and going out to have a good time, but this may cause you to avoid work that must be done and to be self-indulgent. Be careful of doing anything to excess and avoid wasting money on items that appeal to your fancy now but do not have any lasting merit or appeal. Self-discipline is not one of the strong points of this influence.

+++

i'm putting some old posts i made in my crochet journal and then made them private here, just to document them here because i am going to delete them from my crochet journal.
i'm totally over this, so don't even read on if you don't want to here me rant about a bunch of really stupid crap. and you probably don't.
but be warned if you do read on that this is...

REALLY STUPID WALLOWING WHINEY CRAP:

ana clara voog (anavoog) wrote,
@ 2005-04-12 01:22:00

my request to join the cerebralfashion lj community has been declined.
wtf?

i wrote them back this:

"hello. i was just declined membership to your community and i am
confused and hurt by this.

please take a look at my fashion site:
http://www.anacam.com/hats/

which was recently featured in dwell magazine for april and may.

not that i am going to use your community to promote my work, i'm not.
but i just want to show you that i am a designer who is very serious
and really loves and appreciates your community immensely. i have been
a watching for months and promote your community all the time and get
you new wonderful members like banshee.

i don't really understand what you think i might...i don't know...just why?
please just respond with something.

i am very passionate about fashion and especially this kind.
i really adore your community and wish to be a part.

if there has been something i have done which has offended you, which
i cannot understand, please do tell me and i will refrain from
whatever "thing" which has somehow made me look like i would not be a
excellent addition to your community.
please check out my crochet journal:
http://anavoog.livejournal.com

i am extremely supportive of avant garde fashion and especially the
kind in your community. i only wish to add to your community in the
most positive way.

i have much photos of designers and links and information to offer.

just please reconsider.
i am very confused and hurt my your decision to exclude me :(

peas,
ana voog"

what i am i? some sort of fashion leper?

not to mention the 3 weeks the stitch and bitch woman said she would need to get back to people are now quite over.
i can only assume i have been shunned from that as well.

i am feeling very confused and sorry for myself.
excuse my wallowing.

edit the next day:

oh, i am an overemotional idiot!

the only reason i was not accepted into that community is that i did not give them a letter of introduction.

*smacks self on forehead several times*

so, nevermind, i am just really overreacting these days due to a bunch of emotional stuff in my life right now.

*sheepish feeling*

+++

ana clara voog (anavoog) wrote,
@ 2005-04-20 14:04:00

cerebralfashion, take 2

remember when i was hurt that i declined membership to the cerebral fashion community and then i discovered it was only because i didn't give an introduction?
well, then i did give them an introduction, many. just...i heard nothing back. it's so confusing!
i even wrote a response in their community yesterday when they were asking for more members to post (which was screened because all nonmembers posts are screened) asking them if they received my emails? not a word. nothing back. wtf?
i give up. :( fuck it.
i am having the worst luck lately. i swear to god i just feel like a leper. i'm sorry this is a whining post.. but fucking a, i am so confused.

1st my email when i was declined:

hello. i was just declined membership to your community and i am
confused and hurt by this.

please take a look at my fashion site:
http://www.anacam.com/hats/

which was recently featured in dwell magazine for april and may.

i don't really understand what you think i might...i don't know...just why?
please just respond with something.

i am very passionate about fashion and especially this kind.
i really adore your community and wish to be a part.

i am extremely supportive of avant garde fashion and especially the
kind in your community. i only wish to add to your community in the
most positive way.

i have much photos of designers and links and information to offer.

just please reconsider.
i am very confused and hurt my your decision to exclude me :(

peas,
ana voog

+++

then they wrote back:

Ana,
Thanks for taking the time to write us. The only
reason why we have rejected your request to join the
community is that we never received a proper letter of
introduction. As stated in our community info, we
cannot accept members without an introduction, as we
like to know at least each member's name or general
areas of interest. It is not a personal matter, so
please do not take it personally. We are glad that
you like the community so much.

What kinds of things would you be interested in
posting in the community? Who are your favorite
designers? Again, as stated in the info, those who
wish to the join the community must contribute 2-3
sample posts as well as describe what they are
interested in. We are definitely interested in having
you join, and we look forward to hearing from you!

+++

so i wrote back:

oh duh! i'm so sorry i did not even see that you had to have an
introduction *smacks forehead*

as i said, my name is ana voog. i am an artist in almost all areas of
art (music, photography...)
one thing i do is is design hats:
http://www.anacam.com/hats

my hats aren't probably something that would go well in your community
(what i have made so far)
i am extravagant but wish to be a minimilist. it's a constant struggle
with me :)

my favourite designers would be as four and john galliano, also not
things that would go well in your community as they are too baroque.

but i swear i love simple things too and minimilism which is why your
community is one of my favourites :) i go back and forth between
yours and foto_decadent (the 2 extremes)

the things i would post in your community are things i come across on
the internet when i surf. probably japanese minimilistic things. i
wish i had the links to these things now, but i don't. i just come
across them when i come across them.

if you want me to try to become a member again when i have saved up 4
posts for you, i will.

but i just don't have 4 posts for you right now. all i can tell you is
who i am and you can look at my site and see what i am writing here
and see if you think i might have something to add to your community
in the future.

i think i will!

i love clothing that has a bit of a sense of humour as well as makes you think.
i like things that are offbeat but still wearable and comfortable.
i like things that make you think in new ways.
but i also love things that can still be applied to "real life" as
much as i adore fantasy.
i just wrote a big entry in my journal about my love of design and how
it should inspire here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ana/1532665.html

as a designer, myself, i am inspired by sea creatures and plants.
most especially things like roots and jellyfish.
i don't know, i'm really not good at explaining what i do, which is
why i just do it rather than explain it :)
i am also very inspired by surreal things and nonsense.

i was just featured in dwell, for whatever that is worth:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/anavoog/59513.html

my favourite person would probably be bjork, as far as a person who
dresses in "cerebral fashion", imo.

ummmm. just hi! if you want me to try again later when i have 4 posts,
let me know. otherwise...here i am now...and hello :)

ok, wait, i guess i was wrong, there is much by as four that would fit
into your community really well. i was just thinking about their
really glam stufff but they have so much more than that.

http://www.asfour.net
go see their fall collection 05 (you've probably already seen it!)

http://www.asfour.net/4444/aslooks/fall05_pictures/fall05_1.jpg
http://www.asfour.net/4444/aslooks/fall05_pictures/fall05_2.jpg
http://www.asfour.net/4444/aslooks/fall05_pictures/fall05_3.jpg
http://www.asfour.net/4444/aslooks/fall05_pictures/fall05_4.jpg

here are 4 pictures that i would post in your community, if i was a member.

here is another example of things i would post in your community.
(i wish i could remember the designer, these are photos i saved from
awhile ago...)

http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/cere1.jpg
http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/cere2.jpg
http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/cere3.jpg
http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/cere4.jpg
http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/cere5.jpg
http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/cere6.jpg
http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/cere1.jpg

i don't understand why these things weren't "good enough"
i don't understand why they won't even write to me now.
i give up on that community!
fuck it!

*whining mode off*

just to give you some perspective about why i am even feeliing sad about this (because i really do realize how ridiculous this is to be upset about this VERY small thing):

i'm really just being way overly emotional about things lately. so everything is getting to me. i have had the worst week imaginable. normally this wouldn't even upset me, but in the last few days i've had to get a restraining order on my mom, had to call the cops on my mom, that very day my dog almost died and i had to bring to the the emergemcy hospital (he is fine now, thank god, he is the light of my life), then it was my birthday and my dad wouldn't even acknowledge me but instead went to my MOM'S house to console HER about my MY birthday and he brought her cupcakes, talk about insulting. i just feel invisible and worthless.
then, just a bunch of other stuff where i recieved nasty emails today saying my life was "silly horseshit"
and so, i am just REALLY on the edge emotionally right now. and so even a rejection over a small lj community just has me feeling like somehow a leper.
i know this is not the case, logically.
but i am not in a very good headspace right now and have been crying my eyes out for days.
so...ya, i am an emotional wreck and that is probably more information than you wanted to hear but, fuck, i'm just a wreck right now.
hence...my probably overreaction to being unacknowledged over this very small community. :(
but there you have it.

+++

ana clara voog (anavoog) wrote,
@ 2005-04-21 02:05:00

cerebral fashion part 3

well, it's official...
the cerebral fashion community has denied me membership.
(yes, i know i am being a ridiculous fucktard for even letting this get to me! i fucking get it!
i am an emotional wreck! this is SILLY! sillllllllly!)
so...(see the post i made before this one here)
well...
whatever.
this is the least if my worries.
but still, it hurts. i'm human, after all.

their email to me:

Re: cerebral fashion.

Dear Ana,
While we are very flattered by your exuberant interest
in our Livejournal community, at the moment we are
looking for members who we feel fit in with the
sensibility of the community and will have a lot to
offer. We encourage you to continue to post in your
own journal about fashion and such, and to pursue your
interest in hat making. They are very unique
creations.

-E/A

++
in happier news i have been asked to be a part of 2 more books about crochet
(not the stitch n bitch one) but i am reallly thankful that some people understand me!
and i am grateful for that! :)

+++
i'm sorry to be such a whiny sulky drama queen about this. i know i am and it's EMBARRASSING.
but this has seriously been one of the worst weeks on my entire LIFE. and i need to whine and sulk and bitch and vent.
i swear to god i will stop soon and get back to creating but FUCK for now i need to BITCH and SULK and WHINE and VENT.

++++
and in other great news (having nothing to do wih crochet but everything to do with creation..so it's all interelated) i saw one of the the BEST bands tonight...the lead singer from the swans and his backup band opened for him which moved me to TEARS.
and i'm still taking it all in and cannot fully write about it yet.
but it was like AIR and FOOD for my soul. fucking a, thank god that once in awhile something comes along like that and just MOVED me to tears.

not everything is bad. a lot of good. i'm sorry if it seems like i am just focusing on the bad but fuck to get a restraining order on my mom this week and then my dog almost died (and infinitely more) this has TRULY been one of the most emotional weeks i have been through.

so...if i seem a bit "off" and overly emotional and a total wreck it's because i AM.
but i am also a survivor. but a big part of me being able to survive is to make insane posts like this one so i don't TOTALLY implode.

that's all.

so please bear with me.
please.

all these entries will be deleted soon because i DO realize how POINTLESS and STUPID they are.