april 20th, 2005
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SO MUCH TO SAY!!!!!
wow!!!

but i have to wait until tomorrow
so i can be more articulate about it.

7:28pm

jason was kind and brought me some soup.
so i am eating that and that is making me a little more normalized.

6:59pm

went out for a walk but it didn't improve my mood.
but at least i walked.
i'm actually more depressed than i was.
i feel hollow inside.

good things tho, to try and keep positive:
a kind person sent me some tea, a cool keychain, and a walnut!
i also got some nice birthday cards with money in some of them :)
so i am now $45 dollars richer! yay!

and i received 11 fizzy bath bombs from that republican senator,
which was really sweet of him :)

i'm so glad i have some fizzy bath bombs because i desperately need to take many long baths that smell good to help me relax and improve my mood.

now it's ANTP on tv, and then the results if AI.
and then jason and i leave to go to the angels of light show.

i hope all of these things will help me get out of my depression i feel myself sinking into it.
i'm struggling with all my might to not get too depressed and stay functional.
it's hard but i'll do it.

thank you to all my kind and loving supportive friends.

maybe by the time i come home from the show i will be feeling better.
maybe even in 1/2 an hour i will feel better.

i can't eat. i'm forcing myself to eat a few crackers.

i'm just trying to take it one minute at a time.
and remind myself that live is good if i just stay in the now.
it's hard to be stay in the now.
i'll be ok.

it's understandable that i am depressed.
but this too shall pass.

 

4:29pm

jason fixed my vcr :)
i love my man :)
getting ready to go out for a walk now.
that will help me a lot to get outside.

3:00pm

i'm going to focus on the positive and not the negative now.
to get myself out of this whiny sulky loser mode i feel i am being sucked into right now.

things that are good:

it's a beautiful day outside
tonight i am going out to see Angels of Light (Michael Gira from the SWANS)
everything is fine
my mom cannot contact me
i got the anger with my dad out of the way
i love my apartment
all my dogs are happy and healthy
i love my boyfriend
my vcr and dvd player both broke, but i got them both for free, so it's not like i lost money on it.
my tv still works.
all the leaves are out.
dandelions, too!
summer is here but it's not too hot yet.
i received so many nice birthday emails and birthday presents
my fridge is full of food
my TRUE friends understand me and get me and that is all that matters.
i am lucky to have so many very kind , wonderful, intelligent, funny, and understanding friends who support me.
everyone in ana2 is a sweeheart and i love you all.

i will focus and be thankful for all the positive things in my life now.

2:48pm

i'm sorry i'm such a downer.
that's life. i can't help it.
i'm working through a lot right now.
i feel stupid that i am even apologizing to you all that i am being a downer because this is my journal and i should be able to say what i want in it.
but here i am feeling guilty that i am being a downer.
and then i'm feeling stupid that i'm feeling guilty.
and i just have to snap out of this stupid ass downer cycle i am in.
but fuck, i guess it's normal and understandable and something i just have to go through.
i don't need to guilt myself out and feel stupid on top of it.
i'm trying the best i can!!!
i really i am.
how sad it is that i even have to SAY that to you.
as if i owe you some sort of rational explanation.
god, i explain things and explain things and explain things.
i try to be so explicitly clear and FAIR and JUST.

1:09pm

i don't know if i feel better having called my dad.
i guess i do, because i at least told him.
but i don't think he really gets it still.
he never will.
i just give up.
at least i told him he hurt me.
he kept saying that i sound just like her, so who is he to believe?
that is so frustrating and hurtful to me.

i also made the terrible mistake of emailing 2 people on LJ about my mom.
both of them had put my mom on their friends list in the past. one has her on right now. i tried to be as kind and considerate as i could.
the one who has her on right now USED to be on my friends list but i took him off. my mom had added him to her friends list because he was on mine.
and the other person took her off (so she is still on my list), but is best friends with this other person. they are neighbours.
this has always made me uncomfortable having this person on my friends list who used to list my mom and is also friends with someone who DOES list my mom.
i tried taking her off my friends list years ago and literally within SECONDS she emailed me and said "why did you take me off your list?" being all hurt so i put her back on.
well, last night after years of feeling uncomfortable about this, i finally decided to email them both (and it was a REALLY NICE KIND CONSIDERATE EMAIL!) and try to explain how i have been feeling uncomfortable and the guy who has my mom on his list wrote me back a REALLY mean email telling me that my mom and are are "two peas in a pod" and both cryptic and dyfunctional and he doesn't have time for this "silly horseshit".

well, that just...makes me very sad.

especially since last night my dad also told me that when i cry i sound EXACTLY like my mom so he said to me "who am i to believe?"

and so just FUCK.

i'll just take these people off my friends list to protect myself and they can believe whatever the fuck they want.
everyone can believe whatever the fuck they want.
i'm done trying to explain this to anyone.
and even when i say it in the KINDEST and CLEAREST way i can think of i am called dysfunctional and what i am going through is just "silly horseshit"

so..

whatever.

i shouldn't have written that email, and i never would have in a million years if it weren't for the fact this person has been on my list for years and when i tried to take her off before she acted very hurt.

i was just trying to spare her feelings.
and explain how uncomfortable i have been feeling for all these years, through no fault of her own.

but no one gives a fuck about sparing mine.

so fuck it all.

i'll never do that again.

i don't feel comfortable with having a person on my friends list who has had my mom on her list in the past and is neighbours with a guy who has my mom on his list who thinks i am exactly like my mom, cryptic, dysfunctional, and what i am going through is "silly horseshit".

period. end of story.

i shouldn't have fucking emailed them to spare their feelings. i should have just taken them off.

lesson learned.

12:32pm

now my vcr has died :(

2:43am

She pleasures herself Inbox

Cartographers K. Primaries <someuser@hotmail.com> to me
More options 1:34 am (5 minutes ago)

Dark Haired Teen Amateur Gets Muffdived
Black Cock Sucking Chick Interracial Facial
Asian Teen In Lingerie Posing Topless & Bondaged
Chubby Mature Blonde Sucks Dicks For Cumshot Orgy
Black Slut Big Boobs Giving Head In Jacuzzi

i receive this every MINUTE!!! every day every year

more later

must shut off now

2:39am

after that:

Comparability F. Lonnie <dmkarr@msm.com> to me
More options 1:27 am (9 minutes ago)

Exploring her ass
Pale 18yo Redhead Hardcore Fucking & Cumshot
Big boos big pussy big clit
Chubby Pale Lesbian Amateurs Toying With Cum
Hardbodied Teen Slut Interracial Anal Banged
lovely.

2:33am

oh thank you oh holy one of SPAM

Ruth Rossy <vxostlterszy@inwind.it> to ana
Hello Ana,

A eternity of torment is forever.
If you or someone you care about to you has not accepted God please do today.
As he is real and alive you need to realize this.
The following prayer can save you or someone that you love.

Say,"Oh God,save my soul. I'm so sorry that I have
sinned against you, but I have come home. I will
serve you, Lord, the rest of my life. Deliver me
from all my sinful habits. Set me free! I do believe
Jesus died on Calvary for me, and I believe in His
blood, that there is power in His blood to wash away
all my sins, all my sins!" Say,"Come into my heart,
Jesus; come on in,Jesus.Come on in!"

If you meant it, He has come. If you meant it,
Jesus is yours. Start reading your Bible, pray daily
for all those you care about,including your dead loved ones,
and believe that somebody's listening; His name is Jesus,
and you are now saved.

breath at alphameric oreven skywave as in checksum.
Tyler was at matrices when that happened baronet.
We met at bootstrapped and went to needful wher we had lunch at
butternut.It was ordinate and a architectonic was had summon by all.

***

the best part is the last paragraph!

 

1:12am

broke down and called my dad and expressed my pain.
maybe not the most "sophisticated" thing to do.
but pure emotion and also pure logic which i AM capable of
at the oddest of times like a person in charge of people dying in a fire.
i felt bad because i woke him from sleep.
he was dazed but....
really there is no way to convey to you what transpired.
it all ended on a GOOD note.
so much more to say. NO energy to say it.

layers and layers and layers.

my poor dad. i know he means well.
but i draw the line on him delivering cupcakes to my mom
on my birthday 2 days after i get a restraining order on her.

i've been a wreck. my dad is naive.
i was hysterical.

no more words for now.
maybe later...

so much was laid on the line re: our family

volumnes.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (April 20 2005)

You can make some adjustments to your work and how you decide to proceed with it. Don't expect everyone to get what it is you are trying to accomplish. Someone you meet through work may have a greater interest in you than you realize.

and

Vigor and irritability *
This is an excellent day for starting a new project, particularly one that you can work on by yourself, without having to take orders or coordinate other people's actions. You feel very vigorous and have a high level of physical energy, so you really need to be physically active today. One of the worst ways to handle this influence is to work quietly at a desk. You would quickly become itchy and irritable as your repressed energies try to find an outlet. It is important that you can identify with whatever you do today. Your ego energies are high, and you demand to be recognized as an individual. If you are not given this recognition, you are likely to become angry and easily involved in disputes. There is no question that unless you are totally occupied, you will be much more irritable than usual today.