april 19th, 2005
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7:36pm

oops, my dvd broke :(
so...i'm off to jason's to watch the sun ra movie on his player.

thank you to rick who sent me the 2 books about SOUP for my birthday!!!!!!!!

:) :) :)

7:26pm

it was good to get outside and walk.
REAL LIFE!
aaaaah :)
all the leaves are out!

i saw dandelions!!!!!

i saw tulips!!!!!!!

it rained all day but stopped raining when i went to walk and everything smelled SO wonderful!

please excuse my freak out session today, even tho it's understandable and i'm still rightly pissed off. but i swear to god i will shut up about this issue SOON.
it's only been a few days since the restraining order and all that went on.
so, give me a few days to normalize here, come up for air, ground myself, and get back to my LIFE and creating.
but ya...i'm making my way back.
gonna relax now and jason is coming over and we are going to watch a movie that sun ra is in.

maybe if i feel up to it, i will even take some pictures tonight.
i feel a real need to do something creative!

ok...jason's here! more later!

5:40pm

i'm going out for a walk with jason.

5:13pm

ok, nevermind.
i thought that someone had emailed my mom and told her they were going to go throw acid on her face and kill her by the way she went off in her journal.
but it WASN'T from anything i wrote AT all.
i ascertained that my mom was really upset by this post this other woman had written in her journal which i don't think was even ABOUT my mom. (i'll spare you the details of how i figured this out)
but my mom read into it and just...well, i do not understand how my mom's brain works.
i suppose it's like being psychotic and you read into things that aren't even there.
this woman's post that my mom got so upset about could have been about anyone or anything! it wasn't even a bitchy post! it was this really positive happy post about how she had made a new friend.
so i don't know what kind of crack my mom is smoking today.

so ya...nevermind.
it's time to brush myself off over all this now.
and just go eat something!
*whew*!

i'm just counting down these 45 days. in 45 days i will be in the clear from ALL of this.
well, actually, 41 days now.

sorry to just be bitching about this so much!
but gah!

soon it will be over.

and ya...

time to eat soup.

3:40pm
oh wait...actually it is 4:40pm!
why does my computer keep going back an hour???
so confusing! so my last entry was made ar 3:56pm , not 2:56pm
weird.
ok, fixed that.

someone on my friends list or someone in here is maybe writing to my mom?
because there is a new post in her lj that seems to be related to what i just wrote.
i'm not sure.
or maybe she is lying again about some sort of harrassment.
i have NO CLUE as to what might be going on.
she always says this stuff and then offers NO proof of WHO is saying stuff to her and WHAT they are saying!
it's just always this vague "i'm being threatened and harrassed!" and then NO information beyond that!

all i know is that *I* am certainly not harrassing her or emailing her! that is the LAST thing on earth i'd want to do!
and i know that all my friends are not doing that.
so who it is...if it is ANYONE at all...i just...i have no clue what is going on here.

so...*throws hands up in the air*

it's beyond my control.
all i'm doing is writing in my journal in a place where she cannot see it, unless she has infiltated my journals again, as she has in the past.
all i can say is i do everything in MY power to make any entries about me being angry with her either in here or in friends only entries in my LJ where she cannot see them.
and all the ones in LJ i have taken down now except for the one today which i will delete later.
maybe she has made a fake journal and is on my friends list. i don't know.
she has done that in the past.
whatever!!!

whatever is happening behind the scenes, according to my mom, i just have NO idea what she is going on about.

i just find it MIGHTY fucking weird that i post an entry friends only in my lj about how i am angry and bingo, she posts that someone is threatening her.
i have ZERO clue is anyone is harrassing her, i have ZERO clue about it all.

i just have to wash my hands of the matter because i don't know of this is another of her lies, or if this is true, and if it is true, who is behind it.
but it's OUT OF MY HANDS!

2:56pm

ok, it has been pointed out to me by a friend that there is probably more to this "cupcake" story than meets the eye.
as i also suspected.
but when i am this hurt and angry it's hard for me to think clearly.
it could be that my mom called my dad up all crying and gave him a huge guilt trip and my dad bought it hook line and sinker and felt guilted into going to my mom's house.
maybe my mom even said she wanted to die or something.
manipulation like that would certainly get my dad to come over there with cupcakes.
so, when i feel more calm and reasonable i will try to approach my dad about this is a calm matter and try to get the real story.
and i really hope there IS another story behind this that i am not seeing!
this is just another one of my mom's psychological warfare games on me.
she's SO damn good at them.

still, even so, that he went over there with cupcakes and celebrated my birthday with her is COMPLETELY FUCT!

1:41pm

thank you to my friends who gave me advice under the bed
about my dad's complete dismissal and unacknowledgement of my feelings over this restraining order on my mom. (details on this in yesterday's anagram)
i'm going to take your advice and not leave the burden upon myself to explain my case to him anymore. i have already explained everything to him in exasperating detail and if doesn't "get it" by now he's just not going to to.
so whatever. i absolve myself of the burden of having to prove what i am going through and what i have been through to him anymore.

===

but to add insult to injury, i just went to my mom's journal (i know i shouldn't go there but i am still paranoid she might contest this restraining order and so i like to see what kind fo mindframe she is in so i can prepare myself for if she is going to contest it and i will have to see her in court.) she writes about how great her x husband is (my dad) because my dad went over to her house yesterday , on my friggin birthday, and gave her fucking CUPCAKES to cheer her up knowing that today would be a hard day on her. and so i guess they sat around and had a great time and reminisced about the day i was born.

at least that is my mom's side of the story.
she very well could be leaving out huge chunks of information, like maybe my dad told her that she better leave me alone or something (although i doubt he would say that since he hates confrontation, and he certainly doesn't give me any indication he would ever say that to her)

and i'm sure my mom wrote that in my journal knowing i'd see it just to basically make me feel like worthles shit like "haha , your dad is on MY side, and is was over here comforting ME on YOUR birthday". i know because she competes for my dad's attention from me and gets really jealous when dad sees me. which is fucking stupid since SHE is the one who divorced HIM and he is MY DAD NOT HERS!
FUCKING A!

but i am pissed off beyond words that my dad went over to her house on my fucking birthday to bring HER cupcakes.
he should have been coming to MY house to give ME cupcakes and make sure *I'M doing ok.
i mean, i didn't even get a PHONE CALL from him.
sure i got a hallmark birthday card and a cheque.
but the hallmark card wasn't HIS words.
and i'm REALLY glad for the cheque.

but fucking A it sure would have meant more of he had drove to MY house and gave ME cupcakes on MY birthday and consoled ME.

but instead he consoles MOM????

oh my fucking god!!!!!!!!!!!! i am REALLY ANGRY ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!
how fucking fucked is THAT?

that is totally fucking FUCKED!!!!

holy fucking shit. i get NO emotional support from him AT all about my restraining order.
not a goddamn WORD.
nothing. nada. zip. zero!

Not even a "i'm sorry you are going through a troubled time"

or
"i'm sorry you are hurting"

fucking NOTHING!

but he DRIVES to my mom's house, my ABUSER, with fucking CUPCAKES for her on MY birthday to console HER????
and stay around for tea and reminiscing about MY birthday ????????
WHAT THE FUCK??????????

i am LIVID!!!!!!!!!

i don't even know how to respond to this.
i guess i will just not respond at all, just like my dad does to me.
what the fuck ever.

i don't know.
i do think i will respond at some point after i have calmed down and gathered my thoughts about this.
i don't know.

i mean it's FINE for my dad to still see my mom.
just because i have a restraining order on her doesn't mean that he can't still see her and talk to her and be her friend or whatever. of course i don't expect him to never speak to her again.

but to bring HER cupcakes on MY birthday to CONSOLE HER!
and then to give me ZERO emotional support on MY birthday.

oh my god!!!!! and it's like a 1 1/2 hour drive for him to my mom's house.
i mean, that is a really huge thing for him to do!
and they do NOT get together very often. maybe like twice a year.
so for him to drive to my mom's house and give her cupcakes is not just an everyday normal thing for him to do.

and for him to do this on MY BIRTHDAY of all fucking days!!!
(yes, i know i am repeating myself over and over here but i am just SO ANGRY!!!!!!!)

and what a manipulative fucking BITCH my mom is to put that in her journal.
oh god, she knew damn straight how much that would hurt me.
she knew it SO WELL. so knew EXACTLY how much that would hurt me.
but i expect that her from her now. so whatever.
but i DIDN'T expect that from my DAD.

so i'm actually MORE mad at my dad right now.

i don't think i've EVER been this mad at my dad.
i've been hurt and disappointed by my dad, but i've never been just ANGRY BEYOND ALL WORDS at him.

i feel so fucking betrayed by him now, too.

here i was all "well, he just hates confronation, and so to console someone about this restraining order issue is something he naturally wants to avoid, poor dad he is probably just overwhelmed".
and here *I* was feeling BAD for maybe expressing my feelings to him because maybe that was too overloading for him! here i was feeling that *I* had done something wrong that he wouldn't acknowledge my pain with a simple "i'm sorry you are going through a hard time" or ANYTHING!

but he drives all the way to my mom's house and brings her fucking cupcakes and consoles HER??????????

did EITHER one of my parents even THINK that my birthday would be hard for ME???

no, i do not even think i am crossing their minds!

even tho they are reminiscing together about MY BIRTH, i feel UTTERLY FUCKING INVISIBLE TO THEM.

+++

 

Horoscope for Aries (April 19 2005)

A change at work or a matter regarding your bank or other institution will develop. Consider your choices before making a binding decision. Implement better dietary and exercise programs.

and

Don't cave in
During this time most people have to deal with feelings of doubt, discouragement and inadequacy. Also you may find yourself unpleasantly confronted by the consequences of past actions that you hoped would simply go away. The challenge is to confront them without caving in and feeling hopeless. Now you will question whether you are doing what you should with your life. The temptation is to decide that you are not, and to give up. Others may try to convince you that you are on the wrong course and give you very demoralizing advice. Of course, you may in fact be wrong in some area, and there you should change course. But you must avoid the tendency to cave in. Evaluate what you are doing in your own terms, not someone else's, and decide whether you are acting properly in various matters.