today's anagram

april 18th, 2005
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today is my 39th birthday!

oh duh, i forgot to mention the coolest part of my birthday which was my present from jason! he got us both VIP tickets for cirque du soleil (a brand new one!). they are coming here in ocrtober to premeire their newest show! yippee!! SO EXCITED!!!
jason always gets me the best birthday presents ever :)

+++

ok you tell me...was this "bad" what i wrote to my dad a few days ago?

"hi dad.
sorry i have not written much.
my life has been very stressful but i hope things will finally start
normalizing soon.
thank you SO much for the birthday cheque!
i needed $ very much because 2 days ago pooka ate a bunch of sewing
thread and i didn't know that was even a dangerous thing. but i found
out that it can actually kill him because it can get tangled up in his
insides. i had a bunch of people tell me their cats died from eating
string.
so i rushed him to the animal emergency hospital where he stayed for 1
1/2 days where they kept an eye on him and did a lot of x rays and
gave him an enema and all that.
it's actually a really long story so i won't go into the details about it.
but it was really scary and it cost $868!!!

thankfully i have a lot of kind supporters on the internet who donated
towards the "pooka fund", and so between that and your cheque and
jason is going to pitch in a bit, too, i think it will all be ok and
covered.

the day before THAT all happened i got the restraining order on mom
(which cost me $250) since she just will not stop contacting me no
matter what i do. and so it was my last resort.
she even had the audacity to email me BACK my own email that i had
sent to her explicitly stating that if she contacted me one more time
i would get a restraining order on her! and THEN she emailed me even
more.
and then she started posting in my friends journal again.

i did not know that a restraining order goes into effect immediately,
even if the person hadn't been served yet. going down to that
courthouse was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. i
cannot convey it into words.
but it is the law that if she contacts me even before she is served i
have to call the sheriff. and she did contact me again that day (at
the same time a deputy was on his way to her house to serve her)
.i didn't know that when i make a report that she has contacted me
this means a cop had to come to my house to witness it.
so...i had to deal with the anxiety that i knew my mom was about to be
served any minute, deal with the anxiety that she was still contacting
me, deal with the anxiety it caused me that she had contacted me and
posted in my friends journals,
and then deal with the anxiety of a cop coming over and explaining all
of this to him.
and THEN as soon as he left pooka had a seizure which he has one about
twice a year as it is inherent in this breed to have seizures. it's
not life threatening but it still is very scary. plus then he was
vomiting all day and i knew something was wrong, not because of the
seizure but because of his vomiting. which prompted me to ask online
if sewing thread is a bad thing for dogs to eat, which i found out it
is a TERRIBLE thing.
so i dashed out of the house with jason to the emergency animal
hospital as soon as the cop had gone.
if this wasn't bad enough, when i got the the hospital a really huge
dog came in and collapsed right in front of us and the manly man who
brought the dog (it was an iltalian mastif) in just started SOBBING
loudly for hours.
and this made me almost start sobbing, because it was totally heartbreaking.
and i found out the next day that the dog didn't make it and died :(

but pooka is home with me now and doing a lot better.
i just have to give him medicine twice a day for his intestines.
and i have some groovy x rays of him.

and when i got home there was a message on my machine that mom had been served.
also, the cop that had come to my house called her on the phone and
explained to her that what she is doing is against the law and if she
tries to contact me again in anyway, even through a third party, he
will come to her house and arrest her.
and that is that.

the cop told me that she understood this. so i really hope she "gets
it" this time that she cannot contact me. i feel such relief that i
actually don't have to deal with this all on my own anymore and i
finally have the law to help me. i cannnot even express what relief
this is. also sadness, great sadness, but relief too.

so if she tries to tell you something to tell me, that is also against
the law now.
so don't let her try to do that.

the restraining order is in effect for 2 years.

i'm sorry if this upsets you. and i don't feel you think i needed it.
and that makes me sad that i don't have your support on this.
but i had to do what i had to do.
and i am printing out all the correspondence between my mom and i for
the last several years and when i am done with that i am going to make
you a copy so that you can FINALLY see what i have been trying to
explain to you.
and so you can see exactly how i have been so thorough in trying to
work things through with her, exhaustively, for the past few years and
to no avail.

and i will show you how she does this to other people on the
internet,too, not just me.
and how she has created 18 different identies on the internet which
she claims is to stop HER from being harrassed which is just such a
huge lie, i cannot even believe she has the gall to say that because
it's she creates these identies to harrass, not because SHE is being
harrassed.

she keeps saying she is receiving threatening emails. but i don't
think this is the case as she never will prove it. she never will say
what's in these emails, what these email addresses are, just nothing.
it's all very vague.

i think she just makes this stuff up so people can feel sorry for her.

whatever is the deal with it, i don't know. but i certainly know i
have nothing to do with it and neither do any of my friends, if it's
true.

but she can go on and on and on with it all she likes to whoever she
wants. just not me anymore.

i'm not going to be drawn into her paranoid little dramas that make no
sense whatsoever and which she has never even shown proof of anything.

i however, i have complete concrete evidence of everything. and i am
printing it all out.

and that is that.

and i'm really sorry it has come to this.
and i'm hurt that you said in your email to me awhile ago to "think of
what this will do to the family" if i get a restraining order on her.
because THINK about what it has done to this family that she has
harrassed and stalked me for so long now!
think about how THAT has affected the family. think about how that has
affected ME. i have been out through HELL. you know? there is not even
a word to describe how betrayed, violated, sick and angry this has made
me. how this has 'caused me not even to be able to function in my
daily life for years now. and i have a letter from my doctor to back
this up.
*I* am the victim here, not her.
and i don't want to be guilted out for protecting myself against
abuse, even if this person happens to be mom.
SHE is the one who has "done this" to "the family".
i have cried so hard about doing this restraining order to the point
where i could not even open my eyes they were so puffed up and sore
and felt like razorblades were slicing them open. i have been through
hell. to be this betrayed and violated and manipulated by my own
mother is indescribable.
i have been so exasperatingly clear to her about this.
you will soon see because i am going to make you a copy of it all so
you can finally see for yourself!

sorry to be such a downer especially when you are dealing with bjorn
and all that.
and of course i am just sick and anxious about bjorn, too. he is
constantly on my mind and in my prayers. and i hope he is doing better
and getting the help he needs.
and i think it's just absolutely the sweetest thing for you to take
care of his ferrett.
i got tears in my eyes because you took him to the vet and even got
his toenails clipped. you are so kindhearted. and the thought of you
with this ferrett in your house is very funny and sweet :)
i hope he is not destroying your house too much.
and i hope you are doing ok. i'm sure dealing with bjorn must be very
very very stressful and sad.

and i realize you don't have much energy to put into me right now
because of bjorn.
and i appreciate the emails i get and thank you SO much for the
cheque, it helps so much.
and i'm holding down the fort here, and i think things are going to
finally get better now for me now that i finally have that restraining
order and i hope to god i can finally have some peace and space to
heal.

now the next thing to work on for me is my taxes (oh joy)

the documentary i was in (the one from canada) was shown on national
tv in all of australia a day ago!
so i have been getting a ton of email from australia :)
all very positive :)

so even when things are really bad, there is always something really
good too, to give me some positive energy.

and my fridge is full of food, so that is all good.

tomorrow for my birthday i am just going to take it easy.
and jason is taking me out for sushi at night.

i just need things to be mellow and calm now.

things have been just CRAZY lately.

i love you very much!

i'm sorry my emails are always so intense.
but what can i say?
life is intense for me lately, that is the reality of it.

all my love,
R

p.s. what is the day you are retiring again?
jason and i want to come u and hear one of your sermons.
what sunday would be good for you for that, if that would be alright with you?

++++

my dad writes back:

Hope you had a good time with Jason tonight. Next year is the biggy, or
are you going to stay with 39 like Jack Benny? (I hope you know who he
was because if not I'm really showing my age!).

Bjorn was here for a couple of hours yesterday. He was lonesome for "Mo"
(ferret's name). He is still in treatment; this will be the last week at
**** and then he goes up north somewhere to another retreat house for a
week. If he completes the 28 days successfully he is scheduled to go to
a "sober house" for three months. (He'll have to pay rent then.) I'm
somewhat optimistic but I've been done this path before so I'm going to
go to ALA non this week and "get prepared" if things go bad for him.

The ferret is downstairs and roams around there but does his business
pretty much in the bathroom (on newspaper not the cat litter I bought
him). He has scratched up my speakers and likes to dig in the carpet but
life is too short to get upset. He's company for me to, but I don't know
if I would want him or another ferret permanently.

Hope your little dog stays well after his string incident. What a bill!
It cost $50 to have the ferret checked over and have a rabies shot. I
didn't realize how expensive pets can be.

Love, Dad

+++

this is such a GOOD email from my dad but i am selfish to wish he would acknowledge what is going on with me?
did i word things in a wrong way? is there something here which i have said that i could have worded better?
does my dad not want me to visit him in his last year of retirement?

am i reading too much into this? am i being overly sensitive?
am i being egocentric?
i am so confused.
i am SO grateful that my dad writes me back at all.

but...can anyone understand what i am saying?
i don't want to push him into uncomfortable territories.
i am happy for what i get, mostly.
my dad is a good guy, still, i can't help but feel kind of...looked over.
and...does he not want me to see one of his last sermons before he retires?

for sure i will ask him this straightforward-like.
but at the same time, i don't want to seem too brutal or selfish,
i just want to do what is right and i miss my dad so much :(

fuck.
is there something i am doing wrong?

is there something i am overlooking?
i don't think so..but i just want to make sure.
my boundaries have been so violated i do not wish to do the same to anyone else.
i just have to be completely sure.

i do not want to be unfair.

i probably won't write anythning back to my dad.
i don't want to push it.
if he wanted to talk to me about "stuff" then he would,
it's obvious he has made it clear he wishes to only speak of bjorn.
i get that that.
i even understand it.
a person can only bear so much.

still...

i mourn for my dad's attention....

i feel pathetic for that.

but at the same tme i forgive myself because i know it's understandable and normal for me to feel this way.

still, all the logic in the world doesn't heal the pain i feel.

it's good i was born a strong person.

but that only goes so far.

10:50pm

i am happily tipsy :)
i wanted to go to kikugawa for my birthday because i have good memories there.
it always gets bad reviews but i could never figure out why because everytime i went there the food was great, and i love the quiet atmosphere and the always very nice waiters. (sorry for my terrible sentence structure).

well either fortunately or unfortunately i finally did understand why they got bad reviews because i am older and wiser now and have eaten such great food.

when i was 22 and being signed to columbia, this place was nirvana to me. i had never experienced such luxury. but now that i am 39, and a sushi snob, the presentation of the food gets a D.
it tasted fine. it's tasted great, actually, and i'm still happy i went there. but for japanese food, (and for all food in general i feel) presentation is SUCH a key sensual element.
being with jason was the important part :)

i ordered the flying fish eggs and spider rolls.
the spider rolls...just..they weren't even worth taking a photo of.

sure they tasted fine,
but..i just cannot explain it unless u understand the spider roll.
i am now a sushi snob, it is official. i'm sorry. :/
i don't know if i am happy about this.
i think i was happy when ANY food was a luxury.

and so, even tho kikugawa will always hold a special place in my heart more than any restaurant besides carnegie deli in NYC...
i will probably not eat there again unless i live in that neighbourhood someday.

i have even more stories to tell of kikugawa but am too tired now.

i dressed up to the hilt but have no pix.
but try to picture i wore a floor length black flowing gown with (fake) snakeskin boots, stainless steel slave collar, emerald green ostrich feather boa.and my hair up in a big "puff" (blood red).

the sad or happy thing of the day is on the way home, even after all we ate, jason and i broke down and ordered the hardees "monster burger" which has been drilled into our heads with their massive advertising campaign. yes, i know we are drones going to hell :)
and jaosn and i had to have a good laugh about that!

and, truthfully, that tasted the best of all.
kikugawa bill over $100.
monster burger $6.

sad. beyond.

but the monster burger will kill not only you but the PLANET.
literally.
and kikugawa will not...still...it is ironic and sad that at the end of the day jason and i were so happy about that damn monster burger.
godammit :)

but all in all i had a good birthday despite that my mom was on my mind the ENTIRE time.
but i'm trying not to beat myself up about it.

still , i know this must be the hardest day for her (if she is capable of "real" feelings")
but she brought it upon herself and that is that.
still, on the day of my BIRTH, how can i not think of my MOTHER? especially since i just got a restraining order on her mere days ago?
but just ya...*choking and tears and what more can i say that i haven't already said?*
she is my mom and as much as i hate her i love her dearly and was in her womb and part of her body for 8 months.
nothing can change that as much as i wish i could change it.
FUCK. just fucking a, let that restraining order get through to her because fuck need some SPACE and PEACE from her!

did finally hear back from my dad, but of course NO mention of my mom or anything i am going through with that. not a fucking WORD.
no words of support. no acknowledgment of my pain. nothing. just as if it isn't even happening to me.
he just let me know what is happening with my brother and my brother's ferret as my brother is in treatment and my dad is taking care of his ferret,
a sweet, kind, friendly letter. about bjorn. and his ferrett.
how can i complain?
still i feel, sadly, jealous of the ferret.
how fuct is that?

but my pain ...it is like i am invisible.,
but i am happy to have ANY sort of relationship with ANY member of my family at this point. which is only my dad.

but also now my 3 dogs and my boyfriend.
and SO ELATED my pooka dog is doing really well now!
the light of my life!

i am sad, happy.
i am grateful, bitter.
it's a mixed bag which i suppose is normal for this age. or maybe not.
i have no idea.

i've never been here before.

so hi. here i am.

all is mostly well.

i'm SO glad you are here with me.

THANK YOU!

life is strange. i'm sure you know that.

thank you for being HERE with me NOW.

i'm so glad my mom did not contact me today.
i was SO scared she would.
petrified!!!!
but she didn't.
*huge sigh of relief*

5:53pm

ok, almost ready to leave.
feeling more calm.
i am the birthday creature.
i shall bask in this for the next several hours now that i have done the laundry! ah :)

4:42pm

so far i haven't made it outside today even tho it's 80 degrees. oh well. still had so much anacam business stuff to get caught up on.
figuring out who donated for the restraining order, who donated for the vet bill, and who wanted art or posters or cds.
everyone who donated, i just want to let you knwo that you also get ana2 for however many gift subscriptions you bought. so use it for yourself or give them to your friends!
i recieved $190 for the $250 restraining order and
$725 (counting the $250 birthday cheque from my dad) for the $868 vet bill. so the $143 still left to pay jason and i will split and each pay $70.
so thank you everyone so much!!!!!!!!

doing some laundry and dishes and now making a bath and just needing things to get in some sort of functioning order.
and now i think my toilet is breaking. at first it started sounding like it was an elephant or something whenever i would flush it, and now it just constantly runs.
but after what i've been through that is just not a huge care to me right now. i'll deal with that later. as long as it flushes it's alright with me.
still stressing about finances, even tho i've made it basically clear on the restraining order and the vet bill, there is still rent, electric, phone, and all that good stuff coming up in 2 weeks.
so i have to work my tail off making things ASAP to sell so i can manage those bills, too. *whew*
i'm trying to just let GO of thinking about it today, but i'm finding it difficult to just let go yet of anything because i am still, understandably wound up from everything that has happened.
i'm still in survival mode, but doing a LOT better than i was!

on happier notes, i have beeen receiving just TONS of nice happy birthday emails today and that feels very nice to have all that positive energy!

and with the beautiful day and warm summer breezes coming through my window, it's so very wonderful :)

i don't think the weather has been this nice on my birthday in years!

i'm going to now go scrub myself and figure out something pretty to wear for dinner.
we leave at 6:15pm

1:24pm

anapic by
j.d.casten

today i got up at 11am which is a heck of a lot better than getting up at 4pm!
it's gorgeous outside, sunny, 79 degrees!
i need to eat something and bathe and give pooka his medicine.
and then i will try and get outside for a bit.
and jason and i want to go for a walk before we go eat sushi tonight, so i know i will get out then, too.

i'm going to crank up some happy new wave tunes now and jump around and just luxuriate as much as i can :)

2:54am

sleepytime.

night night everyone!

2:31am

THUNDER!

A BUNCH IN A ROW.

PERFECT!!!

2:00am

here is it!
my 39th birthday today!

i was born at 11:57am, so to be technically it's not the time of my birth yet.
BUT, it is the DAY of my birth :)
and so....

yo! it's my birthday! happy birthday to me!!!
my last year of the 30's!
freaky!

completely surreal to me.
i don't get it how time can pass like this!
but i feel very positive (but understandably a little freaked and bewildered, as well!)
today will be a mellow birthday for me ( i hope)
i will go out for sushi with my boyfriend at night, and the rest of the plan for the day is just to CHILL OUT :)

if you feel so inclined to send me a birthday card which i shall proudly display in my fridge,
my address is:

ana voog
P.O. Box 76152
Saint Paul, MN
55175

or send me an ecard to anavoog@gmail.com :)

NEXT year i will have to have a BIG party :)
this year i'm taking the mellow route :)

+++

Horoscope for Aries (April 18 2005)

The more in tune you are with what you like and what you want, the further ahead you will be. This is a perfect time to set your goals high. Love will blossom if you are receptive to advances being made.

and

Profession and social standing
Valid during several weeks: This is a time when you should turn your attention to the most outward aspects of your life your career, your role in the larger society and your standing and reputation within the community. You should also take this time to examine your life as a whole and see if you are going in the direction you want and making adequate progress in your life. This transit is future oriented rather than past oriented. You may have to deal with elements of your past, but only to make corrections so that you can plan more intelligently for the future. The only real danger of this transit is that if you have done something wrong or in a slipshod fashion it may be exposed now and trip you up in unpleasant ways. It would be a very good idea to look over your life and correct any situations that might give you problems in this way.