today's anagram

april 16th, 2005
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pooka is home.
so exhausted.
he seems to be ok.
more later. this is all i can manage to type now. i will spoon the fluff beast all night long.
more later when i am more coherent.

the psychedelic furs were amazing.

the dog that collapsed in front of me and the man was crying, it was an italian mastiff.
he died.
had to be put down :(

heart breaking.
more later.
but i am so lucky i have a pooka doughnut it my bed.

6:08pm

thank you to the person who sent me the M.I.A. and martina topley bird cds!! :)

and thank you btripp for my birthday present of candle and a cd of projekt 100
i have never heard of them and look fwd to listening to it!!! :)

5:47pm

had a nap for a bit over an hour.
that was good.
gonna take a bath now and get ready to see the psychedelic furs.
we leave at 7:15pm

i managed to eat one pretzel.

and i'm drinking juice, so that has calories, too.

i got a cheque from my dad today for my birthday for $250, so that will really help with pooka's hospital bill, whch is going to be dang expensive.
thank you to everyone who has donated so far!
you are angels!

so far i've raised about $250
and then with my dad's $250, that will pay for a big chunk of it (i hope).

i owe a few of you emails. i'm sorry i'm running behind on that.
i'm really preoccupied and discombobulated.

i will get back to you!

life will return to normal sometimes very soon, i hope!

i also want to put in here a formal apology to a woman who i said bad things about and assumed wrong things about when this whole internet thing with my mom started. there were some of my mom's lj friends who i dissed because my mom had told me that they were dissing me. and these people never did say these things. my mom was just lying.
so if any of you ever go back and read about me bitching about this mom thing and read me bitching about her LJ friends, i take all of that back now.
i didn't know the whole story.
so, just to clear their names, even tho i never mentioned anyone by name, i don't think...i just want to clear that up and apologize.

(these are journal entries from years ago, so you'd really have to dig to find them and they are not worth going back and trying to look for, but i just wanted to say this anyway)

3:17pm

must take nap now...

it's very very rainy and grey today

2:30pm

here's some photos of the fuff beast with has fancy elizabethan collar which he hates.
there's a picture there that looks like is is smiling, but he's not, he is panting because he is nervous :(
the thing on his leg is where they put the IV in.
they are going to give him food and water now and see if he keeps it down and if that will make the string pass.

so far no string has come out of him which is a total mystery to me.

i might be able to go pick him up later on tonight, after the psychededlic furs concert, if his eating goes well and stuff.

i'm so exhausted. and so nervous.
i'm going to try and take a nap but don't know if i will be able to.
and i keep losing my stomache.

i don't feel like going out tonight at all.
but if i take a nap maybe i will feel better.

and it will be good to have a good thing happen today so i can get my mind off things for a few hours.

i'm glad i got to see pooka today and scrunch his little head. and i brought him a blanket and 2 chew toys.

+++

some fucking ASSHOLE edited my wikipedia page today.
it had said

"She recorded on two major labels, Columbia and MCA, but she was dropped for being too eccentric"

and then was edited by some jerk to say:

On your wikipedia entry it says "She recorded on two major labels, Columbia and MCA, and claims she was dropped for being too eccentric; however, there were rumors of her not fulfilling her performance agreements"

jason edited that out again.

i cannot believe the viciousness of people.

there was NEVER any fucking rumours that i did not fulfill my contract agreements. i fulfilled ALL of them. so for someone to say that is just an outright vicious hurtful lie.

i wish i knew who did that so i could punch them in the face.

i guess i'm going to have to keep an eye on my wikipedia page and make sure no other asstards fuck with it and put in horrible crap like that :(

fucking a. this shit just never ends.

11:37am

good god i am tired.
sorry if this message is brief.
they gave pooka an enema but that didn't seem to do much.
he hasn't thrown up until they gave him an enema (i know, enemas are no fun!)
they still aren't satisfied that the string is out.
maybe their isn't much string in him.
it's all a mystery.
they are introducing food and water back into his diet now and see how he does with that.
they are still wanting to monitor him.
they said i could come visit him today.
so i am trying to wake myself up now to get prepared to go give the little guy some love and support and scrunches on the head!
maybe i'll bring him a blanket from home and a toy he loves so he feels more at "home"
even tho i know you can't feel too at home in a hospital with an IV in you, after an enema.
my poor little poop muffin.
i'll tell you more when i have any information.

tonight i'm seeing the psychedelic furs!!!
god, i i hope i can get my brain together by then.

4:32am

had such a healing talk with somone.
thank you B.A.
you so set me straight.
you are a light.
gratitude infinity!

don't know if i can fall asleep before 8am knowing the pooka is in a cage.

can't sleep until he is in my arms.

2:09am

i am probably repeating myself but don't have the energy to go back and edit out what i have already said to you. this is my post in a friends only post in lj:

updates

if my mother contacts you via email or in your journal, please let me know.
for this is a violation of her restraining order and i i need to know.
thank you!

+++

update:

called the hospital about pooka since they said i could call at midnight.
they have a catheter in him (why?) and they have some sort of restraint on him because he keeps wanting to chew on it (maybe one of those elizabethan collars?)
he has not thrown up again, which is a good sign.
but no thread has passed.
i don't know if they did more x rays.
but the doctor wants to give him an enema.
i will get a call from the dr. before 8am...which is the time he gets off work.
so.....i guess it's a good sign that he has not thrown up and they have not done surgery.
but i still wait anxiously for any word and cannot wait for my little monkey to be back in my arms so i can spoil him rotten for days on end.
i just won't be satisfied until he is home and free of all thread and i just have my little poofy buffa man back in my arms. i will smoosh him and pat his head for weeks!
i'm sure he will be traumatized from this experience poor little foofer!

i've been receiving a lot of emails from australia today since that webcam girls documentary played on autralian tv last night. so cool!
at least that is a good thing today :)
i do always have some really good things.
my life is so extreme.

i think deiter and sebastian miss pooka or at least understand he is missing. they seem sadder and more confused.
or maybe i am just projecting on them.

i listened to the voicemail that the policeman that visited me today left on my machine again. i couldn't really make out what he was saying before, maybe because i was too hyper.
but he definitely did say that my mom was served.
i was trying to discern that before but couldn't.
but this time i heard it.

she was served.

that must have been pretty intense for my mom to be served AND to have a policeman call her BOTH within hours.

the policeman who came to my house was very nice and very young.
it's weird to have a policeman be WAY younger thna yourself.
and i mean decades younger. weeeeeeeeeeird.
he even had braces,
he was very kind, attentive, interested, good.
i didn't get any bad vibes from him at all.
i could totally tell he had a good heart.

BUT he was still a really young guy and once he had figured out what i did for a living and, understandably, expressed interest in it,
(as he was wondering if he was on cam or not and was relieved to see he wasn't...as i had turned it away from him, of course)
he was really curious. i mean, the second you step into my home you can tell i do not lead a normal life.
with my red hair and my mannequins everywhere and paintings and stuff.
he naturally was curious.
plus i had stacks of documentation about my mom and of course it contained in it what i do. and he read some of it to understand.
and i commend him for really trying to grasp the situation and understand it and not walk in all bored like and then leave.
it wasn't like that at all.
he was very very interested in the whole story. he really wanted to get it.
so, he asked to see my website.
kind of a weird position to be in., for me.
but i am pretty open and so sure, i showed him and tried to explain to him what i do.
that i do this photography documentation that is on the internet and that i have been in MoMA, etc. i showed him my hats, my music...
and he was so impressed and said i should make a book.
and i showed him a few snippets of my music and i even gave him a cd (anavoog.com) which he said he would play for all the cops in the precint.
(SURRRRREEEAAALLL! yes, i know i overuse that word but what other word can i use?)

as i showed him the archive tho, as shown here:

http://www.visi.com/%7Exanax/archive/archive.html

i DID get a bit uncomfortable when he would let me know which photos he wanted to see particularily
(the nude ones)
but i DID draw the line when he wanted to see this one

http://www.visi.com/%7Exanax/archive/sex1.jpg

even tho u can't see actual penetration. i just said "no, i don't think i'll show u that one.
you can come back on your own time and look if you want to see it"

because, well, that is awkward. for a million reasons i shouldn't have to explain.
and 2. that is really unprofessional of him to even ask but 3. i totally understand why he DID ask, and i don't feel threatened or violated by it, just..augh.
it's just that he is a really young guy with and he's curious.

STILL, it was massively unappropriate and unprofessional for him to take it that far. i am not REALLY upset. i simply want to say it.
because there it is.

but even still, not to defend him but just to be fair to the situation, i never got a creeped out vibe from this guy.
i never felt threatened in any way or violated.
i felt it was more like a very curious child who just felt really excited at discovering something really cool and just was ...well, like a child going "look!" (with a dick)

and i cannot blame him for that.

but fuck, it WAS unprofessional and inappropriate. period.
and that is that.

i felt the need to express it here just to say it.
not make a big deal out of it.
but ya, it was a WEIRD experience for me to be "protected" by this childlike person.
i was just way older and more knowledgeable.

but i think he will make a good cop and i'm glad he's on my side.
BUT i think he could have been a tad more professional.
still i'd rather have some like that who was actually on my side and INTERESTED in me and my case then some cynical ass who couldn't give a fuck and doesn't even listen.
it's kind of sad i even have to say that.

so many of my friends have had really bad experiences with cops and hate them so much.
and i get that.
i am lucky that my experiences with cops has only been mostly positive.
even when i look back on when that guy busted in my house and tried to rape me, the cops weren't assholes about it.
but i AM pissed there was no CSI then to gather fucking evidence.
i mean there was not even an ATTEMPT to gather physical evidence.
not even for fingerprints.

but at that time dna and fingerprints weren't that big of a deal.
i was young.
who knows the cops were maybe young and i just thought they were old because i was so young.

but none of them were assholes to me.
i've only had good experiences with cops.

and thank god for that because i have had bad experiences with EVERYTHING else. i don't need bad experiences with cops on TOP of that.

it seems hilarious that COPS would be the one thing i DON'T associate with anything bad given how much i despise the government and laws and all that shit.

ok, that's all i can type now.

just typing nervous energy,

wishing my pookadog was back safely in my arms so i could smell his sweet puppy fur smell and look into his dreamy eyes and touch his little toe pads.
he has the cutest little toes a dog could ever have.
such soft little black padded toes.
i adore that little charmer more than life itself.
i truly do.

(sorry for any typos, don't have the energy to spell check)

p.s. weird link someone sent to me about "midnight music"
my 1st label that robyn hitchcock was on and then the owner, nick ralph, disappeared from the planet right when my 1st real album "introducing sorrow" was to be released".
it was pressed in belgium all ready to go...and then...nick ralph..gone from this planet and i have been searching for him ever since. i hope he is ok.

http://66.40.206.13/midnightmusic.htm

my quote from this article:

"this album was almost released in that i sent it to a million little labels throughout europe and i actually got signed to "midnight music records" who had on it people like robyn hitchcock.

i made the album cover, it was going to be a gatefold sleeve. it was
all ready to go in a pressing plant in belgium, when the guy who owned the record co. all of a sudden went bankrupt and disappeared off of the face of planet!
i'm still looking for him. i did find a nick ralph in england, but he
was a bishop, and we exchanged emails for a few days."

ANA VOOG
The Blue Up

12:32am

called the hospital about pooka simce they said i could call at midnight.
they have a catheter in him (why?) and they have some sort of restraint on him because he keeps wanting to chew on it (maybe one of those elizabethan collars?)
he has not thrown up again, which is a good sign.
but no thread has passed.
i don't know if they did more x rays.
but the doctor wants to give him an enema.
i will get a call from the dr. before 8am...which is the time he gets off work.
so.....i guess it's a good sign that he has not thrown up and they have not done surgery.
but i still wait anxiously for any word and cannot wait for my little monkey to be back in my arms so i can spoil him rotten for days on end.
i just won't be satisfied until he is home and free of all thread and i just have my little poofy buffa man back in my arms. i will smoosh him and pat his head for weeks!
i'm sure he will be traumatized from this experience poor little foofer!

i think deiter and sebastian miss pooka or at least understand he is missing. they seem sadder and more confused.
or maybe i am just projecting on them.

she was served.

that must have been pretty intense for my mom to be served AND to have a policeman call her BOTH within hours.

as i showed him the archive tho, as shown here:

http://www.visi.com/%7Exanax/archive/archive.html

i DID get a bit uncomfortable when he would let me know which photos he wanted to see particularily
(the nude ones)
but i DID draw the line when he wanted to see this one

http://www.visi.com/%7Exanax/archive/sex1.jpg

even tho u can't see actual penetration. i just said "no, i don't think i'll show u that one.
you can come back on your own time and look if you want to see it"

because, well, that is awkward. for a million reasons i shouldn't have to explain.
and 2. that is really unprofessional of him to even ask but 3. i totally understand why eh DID ask, i and i don't feel threatned or violated by it.
it's just that he is a really young guy with and he's curious.

STILL, it was massively unappropriate and unprofessional for him to take it that far. i am not REALLY upset. i simply want to say it.
because there it is.

and i cannot blame him for that.

but fuck, it WAS unprofessional and inappropriate. period.
and that is that.

but i think he will make a good cop and i'm glad he's on my side.
BUT i think he could have been a tad more professional.
still i'd rather have some like that who was actually on my side and INTERESTED in me and my case then some cynical ass who couoldn't give a fuck and doesn't even listen.
it's kind of sad i even have to say that.

but at that time dna and fingerprints weren't that big of a deal.
i was youing.
who knows the cops were maybe young and i just thought they were old because i was so young.

but none of them were assholes to me.
i've only had good experiences with cops.

and thank god for that because i have had bad experiences with EVERYTHING else. i don't need bad experiences with cops on TOP of that.

it seems hilarious that COPS would be the one thing i DON'T associate with anything bad given how much i despise the government and laws and all that shit.

ok, that's all i can type now.

just typing nervous energy,

gah.

that is all i know so far.