april 14th, 2005
past anagrams	menu	utb

spring is here :)
this is the pond where all the happy frogs sing :)			these were pink a few days ago, but when i saw them at 1st i didn't have my camera. when i came back they were all melty and the pink had been washed off

11:47pm

i finally ate something and i feel so much more "solid" now.
ahhhh :)
it was the chicken from the soup i made which is sooooo good :)
the green curry paste really added a wonderful dimension to it :)

10:37pm

the butterfly effect was really good. i don't know why critics dogged on it.
i am still in a state of shock and relief and anxiety over what i did today.
so many mixed emotions about it. but i'm glad i did it.
but ya, a lot of emotions running the gammut of anger, sadness, relief, fear....
it's just so hard for me to believe that it had to come to that.

i keep picturing my mom being served and i just cannot imagine what she will feel like when she is.
i don't know what will run through her mind.
i don't even want to know really.
i do and i don't.

just...ya...mixed emotions and thoughts.
too much to write about.

i'm going to watch survivor, csi and apprentice now because jason taped themm for me.
i hope i fall asleep somewhere in there because i don't want to be up for 3 more hours.
i'm tired but i'm wired.

 

4:55pm

my left eye feels like it is cut up and also feels like there is a big sharp stick in it.
it hurts to move it or open it. it's been this way since i woke up, it does that sometimes if i am crying really hard.
so i have had to have my hand over my eye all day, which made it difficult to get ready or walk there or do anythiing.
but i did. and jason came with me to the courthouse and i'm really glad he was there because i was really discombobulated because of lack of sleep, stress, anxiety, and this severe pain in my eye.
i had trouble wording things, but he helped me, thank god.

thank you for everyone who donated to the restraining order fund. i think i made enough to pay for it.
so it's all good. but i wrote them a cheque and so they have it now.
i owe you my deepest thanks for helping me out so quickly on this very stressful thing.
you are angels, truly.
i cannot express my gratitude enough.
i really can't. i just don't have the words to express how thankful and grateful i am.

i don't have the words for much right now.

i am REALLY exhausted.
this was the most exhausting thing for me.

they actually did not need all my actual documentation of anything. they just needed a sworn statement from me.
and i had to give dates on when things happened.

but it was good i printed out what i did because it gave me the ability to create a timeline.

but i still need to print out ALL of it, just in case i need it.
and it would make a good book! it's thicker than war and peace.

the restraining order is in effect NOW.
but she has not been served yet. she will be served anytime between today and maybe a week or more.
they weren't able to give me a specfic day for that because that is up to the sheriff.
the sheriff will go to her door and personally serve her.

and then from the day she was served, she has 45 days to contest it.
i really hope she won't.
but for the next 50 days or i will still be in some anxiety that she will contest it.
at which time a court date will be see and that is when all my documentation of this will come into play.
i expect her to contest it.
but i hope i am wrong on that.

and sworn affidavits by people will not be used as evidence since the judge will need to question anyone in person who hs witnessed stuff.

so if i need to go to court i will bring my friends with me, if they have the time.

every bit helps, even tho i do have enough evidence against her, i do believe. but i am still paranoid.

i just really hope she won't contest it.

the restraining order is good for 2 years.

i think she is going to be mighty surprised when a sherriff comes to her door.
she SHOULDN'T be surprised since i told her well in advance what i planned to do.

it's really surreal that i have done this.
i was shaking and almost crying on the way there but then gained a bit more composure, although it was obvious i was extremely nervous.

i'm really glad jason came with. i thought i could do this myself, but once i got there i realized that i don't think i could have. at least not as effectively. so thank god jason was there to help me sort out my mind.

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

even tho she isn't even served yet, if i receive any contact from her i am to call the police and make a report.
if she hasn't been served yet, they probably won't do anything but make a note of it.
and after she is served and she contacts me, i must call the police.
and then she will probably be fined with a misdemeanor.
i wonder how much the fine would be?

if she shows up at my door, i call 911.

i'll make a post about this in my lj (not to her)
after she has been served.
i don't want to post it now or i'm afraid she will not answer the door to get out of being served.

this morning, before i left, i noticed she opened one of her other ljs and added me as a friend again.
it was just more posts to me about how abusive i am to her (because i told her to "fuck off") and how i am a liar, etc etc etc.
and then when i came home, that journal had been deleted again, thank god.

anyway...i have made a really huge step in stopping this harrassment.
and i am really proud of myself for doing this.
if there is anything i could say about myself that is good, it would be that i don't put up with being violated.

it seems like one of the biggest "themes" of my life has been about me being violated and boundries violated and then me battling that.

1st my brother violating my boundries, then in high school where it was so bad i had to quit high school,
and then many abusive boyfriends in a row (one who i also had to get a restraining order against), and then the guy who busted in my house and tried to rape me, and then all the street harrassment i get and the internet harrassment, and then now from my mom.

but i am so proud of myself for not staying a victim and battling it.
it's a constant struggle, but i don't ever give in even when i am crumbling to pieces.

i think i might have another cry now and then take a nap.

it's an exceptionally gorgeous day outside.
but i am too exhausted to enjoy it.
but i did get for a walk today sionce i walked to the courthouse.
so i did get excerise and get out in it, even tho i was in a living hell while i did it and couldn't see anything because of my eye.

i'm just going to take it easy today.

i'm sure you can understand that.

if anyone deserves a rest today, it's me.
and so i am going to now go vedge in the bed with my dogs and just stare and probably cry some and then maybe that will get the nervousness out of me so i can take a nap.

oh i did take a few pictures the other day and i will try to get those up now, tho.

it will be good for me to do that.

i can't wait until this is over with and my creativity can start again.
i have so much in me, creatively, ready to get out!

i haven't had to lock the dogs up lately when i leave the house which has been nice.
but today they got into their 1st trouble in many weeks when i was gone.
pooka gave me quite a scare because he (and why does he do this?)
ate a spool of thread and for a minute i thought he had actually eaten the SPOOL and i was flipping out because he was choking and tangled in the thread. and i was scared he was going to die or something, chokiing on this spool.
but i untangled him and found the spool and i tried to pull the thread out of him but this made him look like he was in pain, so i just snapped the thread off and let him swallow it.
i hope the thread will pass through him without any problems.
so weird because this spool of thread is on my sewing machine that is way in a corner under my piano. and it's been there for years. so why on this day of all days she should decide to walk up to that sewing amchine and starting eating the thread from the spool is mystery.

i'm just glad he is ok now because i was pretty flipped out about that when i got home, understandly. the thing that would kill me right now is if pooka died. he is the light of my life.

can my life get any more dramatic?

i think not at this moment.

poor little pooka guy.
i will make sure all thread is out of his reach from now on.
right now he is asleep on my bed all cute like.

what a day what a day.

i hope the rest of it is completely uneventful.

and tonight i will watch movies with jason because i need to vedge and snuggle desperately.

12:32pm

i'm up without anyone calling me.
5 hours of sleep.
my eyes are puffy from crying.

7:28am

please no one call me until 1pm.
i need to sleep...if i can even do that...
but my phone is plugged in now for jason to wake me at 1pm CST.

so not call me before that time

thank u

 

7:21am

bawling my eyes out for hours

jason will wake me up at 1pm

to make sure i get there on time

 

6:22am

i am maybe 1/3rd through the documentation.
i will definitely need to come back another day i think to really show them the proof of this.
all night long printing and printing. 4 inches of paper.
maybe it will be enough.

but the law is brutal.

but this is the start. if i do not make my case today...
then i will come back

i am exhausted

but i will keep coming back

i have a lot of documentation.
i need it sifted
maybe a lawyer.

i'm not going to give up if the system fails today.

i'm not done.
i'm not highly organized but i can be.

i will give it all i have at 3pm tomorrow.

i printed until now.

not even 1/2 done.

6:30am now.

sun up full on.

i need to wake up at 1pm to be there at 3pm so i can at least give some sort of semblance of something.

3:35pm

fucking hilarious horoscope for today:

Horoscope for Aries (April 14 2005)

Venturing out and seeing new things will stimulate you positively. You will get bored quickly, so make sure you have scheduled enough activity to hold your interest. The more you can fit in, the better.

ya, i think i have scheduled enough "activity" in for today! i wouldn't want to get bored!

2:50am

ok, i can cut and paste the email into wordpad and then change the colour of the text in there.
so now i can use the blue ink.
this is a bunch of extra steps and this will take forever.
but i will just keep going until i can't deal anymore.

2:22am

i have been printing out over last single correspondance between my mo and i for the last several years.
and i all i got printed out so far is what i have written to her, and then i ran out of black ink!
i have already used about 2 inches of paper.
i know i didn't have to print out EVERYTHING. but i wanted to put her email and my emails together so you could see the entire conversations and progressions of it all so i couls make sense of it and come up with a timeline of how it all has went.

now i have to get up in the morning and take a cab or something to best buy to buy a lot more ink.
either that or maybe fuzzy, kiitos, or coojie will give me a ride if they are free and see this.
otherwise i will take a cab,

i am overwhelmed.
i know i am not going about this in the most effecient way, but it's the only way i know how since i have never done this before.
i mean i have gotten a restraining order but that was cut and dry because he hit me and there were witnesses to his violence.

i'm so afraid that the law will nto be on my side if i cannot effectively show my case.
i am scared shitless and overwhelmed and afraid.

i just went though years of journal entries too trying to document everything on that having to do with my mom so i could continue with the timeline.

fucking EXHAUSTING.

i just want to cry. this is very traumatizing.
my journals have been so filled with torment from my mom the past few years, i seriously don't knwo how any of you even read any of them to tell you the truth.

god, it's just depressing.

i just want there to be a time where i do not talk about my mom in my journal anymore. i'm so fucking sick of it i cannot even describe to you!

i don't know if i have enough shit together for tomorrow.

but if i don't what i am going to say to them is can i make ANOTHER appointment when i have ALL my evidence straightened out?

or maybe i have enough now. i just don't knwo.
i won't know til i get there and they help me and explain to me.

i am a wreck.

i'm sorry to everyone i am not getting back in email.
i just cannot deal with anything more.
my head cannnot cope.
all i can do now is try to calm down and drink a glass of wine and have a xanax and try to get up in the morning to get more ink.

because that is all i can deal with right now.

i'm sorry. if you were in my head right now you would understand this.

jae thank you for your email, i don't know how you can send me money right now. it's not safe to send the credit card info through email.

so it's just not something i have any control over right now.
i'm sorry i am not in the headspace to figure it out.

but you are so sweet for trying, but i just cannot menatlly deal with trying to figure out how you can give me your credit card info safely.
email is not safe.

you could tell me on the phone, but i can't deal with the phone right now.
i just cannot deal with it.
i cannot deal with anything.

all i can do right now is just focus on trying to get more ink to print more things out tomorrow before i have to go there.

and i have to focus on trying to calm down. i am so anxious it's stupid and i am on the edge of a very big cry i think.

i'll be ok.

thank you everyone for your support.

it means SO muchh to me.

seriously!

i will write you ALL a big email when i get this straightened out.

i just have NO energy to give to anyone right now even tho you are giving me energy for which i am eternally grateful beyond all words.

 

but i will have to repay you all your energy when i have enough energy to do that.

right now i am in pure survival mode.
and that is all i can manage

i hope you understand

i'm not trying to be ungrateful

it's just all i can do is just not fall apart right now and deal with this printer situation.

i love you all and thank you.
i'll be ok.

i just..you know me...i'm a wreck and a spaz but i'm a fighter and a survicor and i'll be back to explaion things more coherently right now.

i have to go calm down now and cry or something.

then sleep.

then up to get more ink

then print more things out

then arrive there and hope i can sort it out in front of them to make it into a coherent summary.

actually, i better start writing out a biit of a timeline sumary now that i have a few things printed out and i can at least write down some dates where i told her to leave me alone and then show that she didn't.

dates and facts, dates and facts.

you know i am really not good at this sort of thing.

but fuck it, i will do it.

thank you everyone for your support.

more later, k? when i have calmed down.

sorry for typos i don't have time or energy to spellcheck

love to you all

soon this will be over with and we can get back to happier things.

 

+++

oh here's my other horoscope:

Personal magnetism *
Today you will want to express yourself in as many ways as possible, but principally with someone else. You feel very affectionate and sociable, as well as just plain good. Your physical health is excellent, although you feel more like sitting around and luxuriating than like doing something vigorous. This is a good day to please yourself. The harsh realities of the everyday world do not appeal to you today, and you would enjoy escaping to a brighter and prettier world, which would do no harm. You may be quite popular today, as the magnetism of this influence attracts other people to you. Your relationships with men are likely to be better than those with women today, but both will be good. In either case, you will find that your own attractiveness is inexplicably enhanced by this influence.

here is it extended, as every thursday iu get an extended version:

Subjective thinking
Weak, transient effect: This influence can signify a critical time in your communications with the people around you, particularly those with whom you are intimately involved. The danger is that your feelings and emotions will overwhelm your rational intellect, making your thinking so subjective that no one else will be able to relate to what you say. Nevertheless you have a strong need to communicate about your emotions. You should avoid dealing with controversy by changing your own views every time someone disagrees with them. You will tend now to change your views according to the prevailing wind, but this may result in compromising yourself if the people you have "agreed" with compare viewpoints. However, it is natural for your opinions to be in a state of flux at this time. Just be honest about admitting it.

Discordant emotions
Weak, transient effect: This influence, although not long lasting, can provide some moments of difficulty and irritation. Your emotions are discordant, and you may be more inclined to get into disagreements with others. This will probably have the greatest effect in your most personal life and domestic situation. Consequently you should watch out for unnecessary conflicts with loved ones. In a group, you will not feel that your interests are in accord with the others' interests. It is not a good time to work with people or to make any kind of public appearance, if peace and harmony is your goal. However, if you are trying to stir people up about some issue or call their attention to circumstances that must be dealt with, this influence can be quite helpful, although the others may not appreciate your role in this.

Not all that bad
At this time you may be tempted to withdraw and keep your feelings secret, especially if you are at all insecure about your inner self. Perhaps you, like many people, have always felt that if others really knew you, they wouldn't like you. So you keep you entire emotional life secret. But whatever you hide from others, you will also hide from yourself. And whatever you hide from yourself can control you without your being aware of it. This is a time when your unconscious attitudes and fears can be very difficult. You need to communicate your deep inner feelings to another person, preferably someone you can trust. Probably you will not feel much like socializing now. And in fact it is a good time to be alone and face any aspect of yourself that you are reluctant to face. It is probably not really all that bad.

An adequate chance
Weak, transient effect: This morning you have the capacity to work either with others or alone. If you work with others you will have to have a lot of independence or some kind of leadership role in order to feel that you have been given an adequate chance. Probably you will get that chance. You have a much greater desire than usual to take the initiative and much stronger feelings of courage and self-reliance. In working with others, you will be able to give them the feeling that your aims are theirs, so that they will work with you more willingly. If you have to defend your point of view when challenged, you will not back down but will argue your case with vigor and passion. Others will respect you for this even when they do not agree. You do not feel any need to make unwarranted attacks in order to maintain yourself.

Equanimity
Weak, transient effect: This morning you experience a time of inner and outer equanimity. You can stop and take stock of yourself without feeling completely caught up in the usual turmoil and rush of events. Even if your affairs are not going too smoothly, this influence will provide a breathing space. If you have been feeling harried, you now have at least a brief opportunity to take it easy. And if you are relaxed, you will feel even better now. Your relationships with groups and friends are quite good during this time. You are able to understand other people's needs without losing sight of your own desires for fulfillment. Opportunities may arise from unexpected corners that will improve your life in small ways at least. In general you will benefit from being out in the world today and having as much contact with others as possible.