april 11th, 2005
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true happiness:

+++

what can i say?
captured by robots rocked all out!
how can i put it into words?
i cannot!

me sleep now.

9:52pm

i'm off to watch "captured by robots" now
i'll let you all know how it was!

i'm wearing my black and red fabu mod outfit with red sparkly go go boots and furry hat.

7:55pm

ate some food. pork and edamame. now i am extremely tired from this day

i'm going to take a small nap. then get ready. we leave at 10pm, i guess. not 9.
late show.

wow, it got really cold. 57 degrees. brrr.

6:40pm

went on the treadmill for 1/2 an hour.
that was good. could have gone longer but it was like a sauna in there.
took a xanax, that helped.
i totally forgot i am going to see captured by robots tonight!
so i have to go get in that mindset now.
they don't start until 10!
i'm so old now i want everything to start at 7.
ha :)
i will find something comfortable and fabu to wear.
and no one can smoke in the bars here anymore which RULES.
this will cheer me.
onward with my life.
but tomorrow i'm calling the courts and making an appointment.
i am MOTIVATED.

5:24pm

i took a fucking bath and now i'm going to go walk on the fucking treadmill 'cause it's raining out.
i will be swearing for the next several hours.

4:46pm

FUCK

great. i'm really trying to get in a better mood.
and then my mom emails me.
sending me back my email i emailed her (on feb 28th, my last contact with her, just to say that so i could make it really clear, as if i HADN'T before. but i wanted her to really really KNOW i would get as restraining order on her, for real if she contacted me again) where i use the word fuck at her telling me to leave me the fuck alone.
she is sending me this because i am asking how to filter certain words like "fuck" out of my emails because i am getting a lot of "teens fucking cocksucking" spam shit.
but then i said in my post out in lj that i took the fuck words out because a lot of my friends swear. but i still want to filter words like "teen" and "cocksuckng" and stuff.

my mother thinks that i am upset about the word FUCK and THAT is why i want to filter that word.
so FUCKING wrong.
i love the word fuck.
i do NOT like porn spam.
big fucking difference.

i also don't want emails from my fucking mother.
especially my own fucking email which tells her to leave me the fuck alone!

my resolve to up my speed on getting that restraining order on her has moved up a notch.

i will work on that this week.

i now have proof that she did receive my email telling her to leave me the fuck alone and that if she doesn't leave me the fuck alone i will get a restraining order on her, since she sent my own email back to me.

yep, this week i'll be working on that restraining order.
gotta get that done.

it creeps me out to no end that my mother is reading my journal.

she's such a psycho bitch fucktard.
trying to throw that in my face to taunt me.
oh ya, i'm soooo upset about the word FUCK, mother, motherfucker.
oh wow, you sure showed me!
what a fucking laugh. what fucking nerve.

restraining order. THIS WEEK!!!!

does a restraining order stay on your record forever?
i sure the fuck hope so.
i hope it stays on her record forever.

she has done the lowest of the low things.
but to take my words where i am screaming at her to leave me alone and try to use them against me as a weapon. that's fucking low.

to try and say that i have abused HER because i used the fuck word in self defense
ya, *I'M the abuser because i said fuck off in self defense.
that's always her tactic. "oh YOU're the abuser! i'm so abused! YOU USED THE WORD FUCK!"
she pushes me to the edge of sanity and when i finally fight back and say the word fuck then *I'M the abuser.

i hate her more than anyone.
i fucking hate her right now more than i've ever hated anyone in my whole life.

of course she has to add in a little sickly sweet
"I love you to this day beyond any measure."

so she looks like a little fucking angel as she jabs the knife in.
manipulative bitch beyond measure.

sick and twisted. the most sick and twisted thing EVER.

she makes me want to vomit.

4:40pm

it's raining a lot now.
the dogs are playing.
i'm listening to stereolab.
i'm trying to figure out why the filters in gmail don't work for me.

4:32pm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!!!

4:13pm

sorry i'm all complainy and no cool pix.
sometimes it's like that.

4:04pm

Andrea Dworkin

the discussion i am having with people here

yesterday i learned that andrea dworkin died.

i do not know much about her.

but here is a bunch of her writings and speeches and books:

http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/dworkin/OnlineLibrary.html

http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/dworkin/

i am reading Pornography as a Civil Rights Issue right now.

i agree with a lot of what she is saying (in that one article that i have read, which is the only article by her i have ever read, just be be more clear), although i do not believe it as black and white an issue as that.
things are way more grey than, that, i believe.
but what she is saying (in the one article i am referring to) is absolutely worth reading, taking in, and considering it because there is also a lot of truth in what she is saying as much as their are untruths.
a lot of truth that really needs to be looked at and considered much more.

+++

what i think about porn, so far:

i think must porn (from what i've seen of it) is like crack cocaine or junk food. and people get very angry when their addiction is attacked.

i'm not saying all porn is bad. but god, i would say MOST of it is.
most of what it is teaching is a load of crap in the biggest way.

i'd like to see more positive porn.
more SPIRITUAL porn :)

taking the spirit out of sex is like taking the spirit out of "god"...and then we get people like george bush and his ilk with their religion that has no spirit in it anymore....and it becomes a weapon of hate and fear instead of somethig that *I* think should be about love and bonding or even moving through things into other realms, taking a journey.

like sado masochism can take you on a journey like the amercian indian sundance...
or...it can just be used as torture.

it think most porn falls into the category of either torture or those "fat free" potato chips that gave you diarreah if you ate too many.

+++

positive porn and sex education that inspires me:

pinkgasm.com (read their manifesto):
http://www.pinkgasm.citizensex.com/blog/index.php?p=69

the ever amazing and inspiring goddess of positive sexuality:
http://www.anniesprinkle.org/

and my friend duckydoo, sex educator, writer & comedian extraordinaire:
http://www.duckydoolittle.com/

+++

this is NOT positive sex education and i can't believe someone actually took the time to write this (or follow it):

http://www.rotten.com/library/sex/masturbation/mormon/

good for a laugh (in a very sad way)
thanks to jacqui for the link.

3:33pm

i had real shit sleep. sleep paralysis and had to get up and walk around for awhile to shake it off.
dreams of apocalypse. aliens coming to earth and transporting americans to prisoner camps in syria.
i somehow ended up hanging out with kiss, metallica, and rob zombie.
you'd think this would be maybe fun but it was just stressful.
especially since metallica kept throwing those kung fu star things at me, trying to kill me.
thankfully i was really good at deflecting them, and they would end up bouncing right back to them.
and my mom was there, too, and i couldn't find jason and it was just a huge nightmare.

then woke up and checked email and stuff, and of course i got into a huge stupid flame war last night about women and women dogging on women's bodies which exhausted me and i shouldn't have gotten into it. whatever.
onward.

turned on the radio and it was playing this stupid ass song from my 1st boyfriend which didn't help my mood at all.
i can only hope he hears my songs on the radio, too, and feels uncomfortable. but i'm sure he doesn't because he doesn't HAVE feelings. but whatever. that was decades ago why do i still even care?

i just don't want to hear his stupid song on the radio when i wake up and am i a bad mood, that's all.
it's just not a happy thing. *growl*

am i bitter much? you bet. even tho when we see each other we are all pleasant and smiley. what-ev-ah.

anyway, things should get better when jason gets home. he is leaving in 1/2 an hour. if today really is a good day for love, according to my horoscope, i hope i get lots of it today because i need some!

it's rainy and windy out.

and i got my period.

i feel achey and headache and rundown and cranky.

i'm drinking blueberry juice.

i guess i'll go take a bath.

+++

from yesterday:

googlewhacking

i havent tried googlewhacking much (about 10 minutes of my time) but my lowest ones so far has been:

octopi bifocals at 66 results

and

velveteen tricorder at 31 results

oh wait, i just did:

anacam extricate with only 11 results

anacam rheumatoid with only 2 results!
(i don't know if that one can be counted as it is a list of words in my journal)

anacam tinkering at 4

anacam postulate at 2

anacam pontificate at 1 (but sadly, i took that journal entry down!)
and
anacam arthropod at 1 (but that journal entry is also taken down)

anacam pantaloons at 2 (ok, i've got to stop this now!)

what is googlewhacking? look here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Googlewhacking

 

horoscope:

Love and affection *
Matters of love and affection are uppermost in your mind today. You are conscious of your loved ones and your feelings for them. If other testimonies agree, you might fall in love with someone new. In any case, you are more concerned with love and your relationships than with your own ego. One manifestation of this influence is a pleasant day dreamy mood in which you are not disposed to work, other than creative activity. This is also a good time for any kind of social activity. You feel warm and friendly to everyone and are really in the mood for company. Do not waste the day by yourself, because the effect would be that you feel lonely. All personal relationships are favored by this influence.