april 5th, 2005
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i'm ok. a moment of pms and being overwhelmed.
my stomache is puffed out the size of mars, i swear.
my brother is back in treatment for alcohol and i hope nothing else.
i guess he's been on a drinking binge for 2 months and was even arrested for disturbing the peace.
bummer.
i hope he gets better but i just don't really think he will.
in all reality, i think he will probably die early. he is 5 years younger than i am, i think.
he basically gets all the support, money, and attention from my dad all my adult life as his problems are always more life threatening than mine are.
it's hardly anything to be jealous about. i feel selfish to even saying something like that.
but he just takes so much energy out of this family that there is never any left for me. i know i know SELFISH! fuck.
and that's....ok...because i always manage to survive somehow and my brother doesn't really manage to survive at all on his own. and so..that is just the lot in life. but i have to say, even if this makes me look like a selfish pig, that i am kind of pissed that i need support from my dad about my mom (i mean even just a small email that said "i support you!" would suffice!) and he says absolutely ZERO to me when i tell him of my life. i hear nothing back. just empty silence.
oh my dad said he WOULD drive down and talk to me (to talk me out of getting a restraining order on my mom) , he WOULD take time out of his day for THAT. because he said i wouldn't want to do something that i would regret and that would affect the whole family. hello? my dad DIVORCED my mom! wtf?
wtf kind of sense is that? he can divorce her but i can't protect myself from her abuse or it "might affect the family"

WTF is that about???

i've been stewing about it for days and days getting more and more pissed about it.

then silence..nothing. then the email about my brother.
great.

i know i'm sounding very selfish. i mean it IS selfish.
but fucking a, does anyone know what i mean?

so now i feel like i can't even TALK to my dad about my life, yet again, because my brother is the one who
is sucking the life out of everyone and so i should just be quiet, as always.
and fuck it, i will.

detach detach detach.

i know my dad isn't going to stick up for me because even when my brother was violent to my dad and my dad was so afraid of him he would sleep with a chair under his door at night...well, why would he stick up for me?

when my dad told me that, THAT was finally the lightbulb moment for me as to why i had probably picked abusive boyfriends in the past. in part.
and my dad never "told off" any of those boyfriends either.

i mean if *I* were the dad i would have driven to these men's houses and at least YELLED at them! i would have screamed out their window "you low life motherfcuking scum for hitting my daughter!")
for real! i just would have! out of a sign to show support for me and that this is not something i should have to endure and that my dad is in my corner.

but does my dad EVER do that? no, he just says "oh, that's terrible. i'm glad you aren't going out with him anymore."
meanwhile my brother terrorized my dad in the past, just as my brother terrorized ME during my childhood. my dad is codependent on my brother. i swear.

and so, while i really feel for my brother and i understand how he is the way he is, for the most part,
i have a really hard time coming up with a TON of empathy for him, sometimes.

and i'm really sorry his life has been hell and now he is in treatment and god only knows what will happen to him.

meanwhile, i'm just over here kind of fatherless.

and i know my dad only has so much to go around. he's not superhuman.
but fuck, you know? he'l listen to EVERYONE'S problems and be supportive except mine it feels.
he is the minister and always counseling everyone at their beck and call. but not ever ME, his DAUGHTER.

this SITUATION sucks.

and i'm angry with the SITUATION.

and i am also angry at my dad for not being very supportive of me.
it would be unfair for me to say he is totally unsupportive, that is not true. but...not much supportive.

and i console myself with "well, at least he doesn't say anything MEAN to me like mom does. at least he has the sense to be quiet instead of say hurtful things"

so i should be HAPPY for that, right?

and i am.

but sometimes silence is the worst.
and fucking and with this situation with my brother for my whole frickin' life.

just fuck.

that is all.

i'm fine. i'll be fine.

but i'm just needing to vent.

i'm going to watch the 1st part of "tinker, tailor, soldier, spy" now.
i tried watching it with jason tonight but coudn't take it in.
so i'm going to try again now.
but it's just really complex and every thing they say is so jam packed full of things you have to remember about the these characters pasts in order to get what it going on with them NOW, and it's hard for me to visualize and remember all the threads and pathways that go into this plot. like a soap opera but way worse (becuase it's actually intelligent :)
i hope i can put my thinking cap on now and figure this 1st part out so i can watch the rest of it and know what is going on.

oh, and i found one "magnetic poetry" word in the hallway today of this building. i had been walking past it all week every time i went to take out the trash. and i kept thinking "i should go back and check and see what that it is beause it looks like a word". and every day it would still be there. today i finally bent down and picked it up and it WAS one of the magnetic poetry words. and the word was "patients"

oh, hilarious! i didn't even get that until now that it is NOT "patience". here i was thinking for the past few hours that i had gotten this really meaningful word "patience" and how this is a word that i need to take in right now for my life.

but it's NOT patience,
it's "patients".
how hilariously dark humoured.

 

+++

2 more spam poetry's:

Returned package.
green strawberry cyan strawberry
Is the scientist missing praying?. That pilot is missing surfing..
Do those plumbers always remember jumping?. Every child communicates in some form whether it be by crying, body language, facial expressions or verbalization. Some children talk early, some late, some with augmentative communication devices, some not at all. As a teacher I wanted to facilitate the child learning language..

is it funny?
Appear mark look down human young. Step to, moon. Animal music,
door. Change circle whose read just write. Earth record poor
measure. No voice less phrase. Other had form. Law, answer, yet
clean thank know. Hour, doctor, half, able, sight. Who kind very
plan. Only noun final work. Set, industry dress ready pass. Fell
right watch.

10:48pm

something i wrote in my crochet journal:

a crochet slump.

i can't seem to finish any crocheting project. i have all these little pieces of this or that i've started and then i just lose interest and put it aside then start something else. i haven't even been crocheting very much at all. just life stuff getting in the way. i've only finished one hat this year, that one for pluckyfluff! i need to get on the ball. i should finish some of these things i've started but just can't seem to manage to finish them do to some weird perfectionistic problem i am having. like i am afraid that if i finish it, i won't be happy with it or something. all i can attribute it to is that it has been a hard year so far, in many respects. i hope i shake myself out of it. i have been taking a lot of photographs lately, tho. so it's not like i have been totally uncreative. it's just that my creativity hasn't gone into crocheting. i need to just let go or get more disciplined. i can't decide which is the one to go with.
i can't seem to decide anything these days. my giant wall of yarn is a constant reminder of all the things i want to make. i've made them all in my head a million times as i sit there and lay in bed bed, staring at my wall of yarn. sometimes having too much yarn can be paralyzing! but what a stupid thing to complain about, you know? too much yarn...ya, oh poor me! sheesh. i wish i'd just snap out of this. spring is arriving, tho, and i hope this adds some new viger and some decisive action. in 13 days i will be 39! weird, man, weird.
this winter i WAS going to write a complete new album of music but was completely derailed from that, too!
so i have too many things i want to do and don't ge any of it done.
was going to write that book then decided i wanted to do music...
then didn't do that either. and i have all these things i want to sew now, too!
what DID i do these last 6 months?
ok, i did do a lot of photography and writing. and thinking. and surviving.
time goes by so quickly.
i'm frustrated.
something, something, something....

7:48pm

went for an hour long walk with jason. less windy so that was good :)
i'm still waiting for the thunderstorm to come. will it?
then we ate japanese again which makes me purr :)
so good to eat healthy after a walk :)
i had california rolls and spinach in a sesame sauce and some edamame and iced oolong tea.
i always forget how much i love oolong. i have to get some. it might be almost my favourite kind of tea because it's so light yet you can really taste the leaves.
then watched american idol and at 8:30 jason and i are going to watch the office.
sebastian is all happy with his haircut.
the next thing i need to do is give them all baths for spring and cut their toenails.

4:52pm

i gave the wooket (sebastian) a haircut and it was a terrible ordeal, as always, and it's a terrible looking hair cut!
but god, at least most of his fur mats are gone and it's got to be a LOT more comfortable for him now that it's getting warmer! after he gets his haircut he always runs around in total jubilation. i just wish he could not struggle with all his might every single second that i try to give him hair cut. exhausting!
but i'm so glad it's over with now. it's like trying to sheer a crazed sheep.
jason should be home soon and we are going for a walk.

spam poetry:

last notice
Silver, race, young ocean. Notice, need noun sit mountain.
Strange if small. Behind seed, the example hear in. Cut mind,
stead. Ease race electric. Still how long name. So, lost, appear
then, road, thing. Instrument before paragraph. Blood meat
gentle star, past. Cross, morning back machine least create.
Pay, contain suggest help dark.

3:04pm

if you haven't seen the movie fantastic planet yet,
you really should!

today, later on tonight there may be thunderstorms! i sure hope we get one!
i really want a thunderstorm! oooo *excited*

 

horoscope:

Emotional encounters
During this time your emotional experiences are much more intense than usual, which is reflected in the kinds of people and situations that you are drawn to. For example, you may draw in unusually intense or powerful people who have a strong effect upon you. Very often through your emotional encounters with these people, you experience moods and feelings that are quite different from your "normal" self. You may ask if this is really you, it seems so different. And you may also desire something that belongs to someone else, or you may desire greater control over something that is both yours and another's. In either case you must recognize that your attachment serves no real purpose and that it is a potential source of trouble.