april 3rd, 2005
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6:36pm

redyeing my hair red.
warmed up some veggie soup with tofu.
then a bath.
then to jason's to watch "super milk chan"
which is the weirdest most surreal japanese cartoon i have ever seen!

6:34pm

spam poetry i just received:

do you care?

Sharp an thought. Sound, cloud order cry. Road baby, boy seven
last, seem. Me behind, I arm, since, above. Call any last
enough, many. These king race out. Crowd each friend. Port
differ farm. Listen been big map table than. So full test most
other. Light food prove color. Story, region cloud. First touch
move. Enough meet here.

5:23pm

something i wrote in LJ in reply:

the role of the artist seems to have been lost in this world.
at least i was lost when i was taken in by the music industry and they shoved down my throat that what i was creating was "entertainment".
and since i had never really analyzed what it was i did, why i did it, etc...i just "did it". i bought their idea that the most "art" can do it "entertain". and that if it wasn't entertaining then it just wasn't wrth anything. and i started thinking of myself as an entertainer.
and i remember the person who was in charge of writing our (my band) bio, wrote that i was "the shaman" of the band. and i CRINGED at that and was VERY upset that they had written that because i knew that other people would think this to be very pompous and i certainly did not want to be seen that way nor did i think of myself in that way at all.

but looking back now, i totally see this person was right. i WAS the shaman of the band. and i came to the realization later on that i wanted to be an entertaining artist not an artistic entertainer.
and so because i lost who i was as an artist, because i never had realized what it meant to be "an artist" in the 1st place, it is all the more precious to me now that i KNOW what my role as an artist is.
and it IS like being a shaman.

we, as artists, are the shamans leading the world into new territory and allowing others to see things in new ways. and to bring WONDER. and this is essential. i still don't know how to put it eloquently. and i don't mean that in a pompous way, but it IS very important.

and no one will ever be able to take that away from me now.

but it is sad that for awhile, and for many artists, society has made them believe that the most they can accomplish is to merely "entertain".
i thought that way for awhile and it was incredibly disempowering to me.
it destroyed my spirit.

i think american idol is a perfect example of that.
and i think that when fantasia sang "summertime" for the 1st time on that show she was a shaman, she was a conduit of truth that trancended the show, and just everything.
and i hope she knows this.

it breaks my heart to see fantastic singers like whitney houston or mariah carey or even britney spears get caught up in the "i am only entertainment" thing. i think madonna is starting to get it as to her role as an artist. just a little bit. i know it wil sound ridiculous to many that i even say that.

i mean, mariah carey's voice could probably open doorways into other dimensions or heal people or move mountains if she only knew the true power of her gift. and the gift of her voice trancends even herself!
even when she is singing some godawful song, her voice, at some level, trancends the song and is pure truth. it's why when certain people hit certain notes in a certain way it gives us goosebumps.

(not to mention that most people do not realize what it is like to have so much energy hurled at you from so many people and to people able to deflect that energy if it is bad or use the useful energy and to harness it and still remain grounded. that is an entire other post. but until you've had several million people hurl their "thoughtforms" at you, you just can't completely understand, i don't think. and it's fascinating to me to see some people very aware of this energy and you can see some performers be able to use it and play with it like maestros. U2's live shows are a great example of this on how bono is able to take the crowd energy and take it in and then give it back in this very circular and very in control way. and i had to deal with a SHITLOAD of energy being hurled at my through anacam, and i learned a LOT about energy by trial and error through this, and i'm still learning. i have SO much to learn. when i see someone like bono using energy in the way he does, i am humbled and inspired by his expertise. tori is also really aware of this energy. and i think bjork, too, although i have never seen her live except with the sugarcubes)

wouldn't it be cool if artists had been taught the true power of their gifts? it would be amazing to see what they might be capable of doing with it if they honed it in to that instead of just cheapened it by singing crap.

the role of the artist has been very very cheapened and skewed and stripped of it's meaning and power and mission. and it has such a low priority in our lives now. people don't see it as being anything of value, and we all suffer for it.

i hope what i am saying is making sense. it's such a huge subject for me, that it's really difficult for me to distill it and convey it accurately.

4:03pm

the clock moved ahead an hour.
it's 67 degrees outside!
i need to get outside!
drinking coffee.

3:59am

things i said to him:

[00:22] camgirl7: right on
[00:22] camgirl7: bummer dude
[00:22] camgirl7: this pope crap on tv makes me want to heave
[00:22] camgirl7: i just want to watch csi
[00:22] camgirl7: we can go back
[00:23] camgirl7: *I* can cut a egg into a cube for you
[00:23] camgirl7: for i am just that masterful
[00:23] camgirl7: i can
[00:23] camgirl7: ummmmmmm
[00:23] camgirl7: no
[00:23] camgirl7: no
![00:25] camgirl7: ummm
[00:25] camgirl7: i dunno but it was in the neverending strip mall
egg and put it in the device.
[00:26] camgirl7: hmmm.
[00:33] camgirl7: you out the egg in the fridge to make a better cube
[00:33] camgirl7: it doesn't crunch it into a cube
[00:33] camgirl7: oh wait
[00:33] camgirl7: oh weird
[00:34] camgirl7: cut it into a cube!
[00:34] camgirl7: and try to take in this pope thing
[00:34] camgirl7: and egg thing at the same time
[00:34] camgirl7: i know
[00:35] camgirl7: yes
[00:35] camgirl7: we need to get it
[00:35] camgirl7: let's go back and buy 10
[00:35] camgirl7: :)
[00:35] camgirl7: meow
[00:35] camgirl7: new pix in today
[00:36] camgirl7: they are not all good
[00:36] camgirl7: they are just all there...random snapshots
[00:37] camgirl7: ya that was everywhere
[00:38] camgirl7: the ones that are pink...my camera just turned pink for some reason on those
[00:38] camgirl7: i like the puddles and the cloud in the puddle
[00:38] camgirl7: i don't know if that will be clear to anyone
[00:39] camgirl7: (Link: http://www.ana2.com/private/today/Pcdv0140.htm)http://www.ana2.com/private/today/Pcdv0140.htm
[00:39] camgirl7: and that is those garbage cans
[00:40] camgirl7: and then the condom...ewwww
[00:40] camgirl7: i then i like the contrast betwen the desolate chairs stacked up because a business was gone
[00:41] camgirl7: and then the richer chairs for sale
[00:41] camgirl7: and chairs for restaurants
[00:42] camgirl7: i don't think so
[00:42] camgirl7: i didn't notice it
[00:43] camgirl7: i think i will mention all i said to you in the anagram
[00:43] camgirl7: but sometimes i don't like to say anything about my photos
[00:44] camgirl7: oh and this one
[00:44] camgirl7: (Link: http://www.ana2.com/private/today/Pcdv0133.htm)http://www.ana2.com/private/today/Pcdv0133.htm
[00:44] camgirl7: i was like nahhh i'm not gonna photograph that garbage
[00:44] camgirl7: then i went 1/2 a block and turned back to get it
[00:44] camgirl7: and i got that foot going in it
[00:44] camgirl7: right at that moment
[00:44] camgirl7: so it was perfect timing i turned back when i did
[00:45] camgirl7: that made me really happy
[00:45] camgirl7: i'm weird
[00:45] camgirl7: eek
[00:46] camgirl7: am i weird to like that picture?
[00:46] camgirl7: do i like it just cause i was there?
[00:46] camgirl7: or is there actually something cool about it?
[00:46] camgirl7: i can't be objective sometimes
[00:47] camgirl7: because i have memories associated to all these photos
[00:47] camgirl7: i mean it's not BRILLIANT
[00:47] camgirl7: i mean amusing for a minute
[00:47] camgirl7: that's all
[00:47] camgirl7: an amusing speck in time
[00:47] camgirl7: like a square egg
[00:47] camgirl7: :)
[00:48] camgirl7: tomorrow we have tea!
[00:48] camgirl7: in our new teapot!
[00:48] camgirl7: can all i call it ours even tho i know it's yours?
[00:48] camgirl7: i knew you would tease me
[00:49] camgirl7: :)
[00:49] camgirl7: deiter doesn't really belong to anyone. he is the master of his own omniverse called "the bed"
[00:49] camgirl7: i know i take pix of the same thing over and over
[00:50] camgirl7: i do
[00:50] camgirl7: but i like to repeat
[00:50] camgirl7: repeat
[00:50] camgirl7: repeat
[00:50] camgirl7: god this pope shit is making me sick!
[00:50] camgirl7: "he was just a man"
[00:51] camgirl7: all this crap about how he was "like a rock star"
[00:51] camgirl7: is that a GOOD thing?
[00:51] camgirl7: it's just show biz
[00:51] camgirl7: really, that is what it is
[00:51] camgirl7: show fucking biz
[00:51] camgirl7: it's sickening
[00:51] camgirl7: all a bout how he could crack a joke
[00:51] camgirl7: and he had this charisma
[00:52] camgirl7: and brought in some jewish guy once
[00:52] camgirl7: just
[00:52] camgirl7: augh
[00:52] camgirl7: oh he smiled and was "just a man"
[00:52] camgirl7: "touching people"
[00:52] camgirl7: just barf
[00:52] camgirl7: whatever
[00:52] camgirl7: so he held someone with aids
[00:52] camgirl7: whatever
[00:52] camgirl7: so have millions of other people
[00:53] camgirl7: people saying he was "like the beatles"
[00:53] camgirl7: wha?
[00:53] camgirl7: i mean
[00:53] camgirl7: fuck
[00:53] camgirl7: things are fuct
[00:53] camgirl7: but it's not his fault
[00:53] camgirl7: it's everyone who put their own power into him
[00:53] camgirl7: they all did it
[00:54] camgirl7: i'm guessing
[00:54] camgirl7: i have no idea of course
[00:55] camgirl7: pooka doesn't care
[00:55] camgirl7: thank god
[00:55] camgirl7: fuckin a i just turned this on to watch csi!
[00:55] camgirl7: pope pope poop poop
[00:55] camgirl7: lol
[00:56] camgirl7: i am so funny
[00:56] camgirl7: oh god
[00:56] camgirl7: please don't make me barf
[00:57] camgirl7: more metallica less pope!
[00:57] camgirl7: more abfab less pope!
[00:58] camgirl7: pluckyfluff is makng me some black mohair yarn
[00:58] camgirl7: that is a happy thing
[00:59] camgirl7: i was just going to say that :)
[01:00] camgirl7: she is such a good and strange creature
[01:06] camgirl7: i just want csi
[01:06] camgirl7: :)
[01:06] camgirl7: i am that
[01:07] camgirl7: but i am square only for YOU
[01:07] camgirl7: for you.
[01:08] camgirl7: i will deconstruct them
[01:08] camgirl7: like the egg

 

 

"april in paris", the musical from 1953, ALMOST fixes everything.
almost.

:)

+++

i don't know if any of you watched the mini movies i made 2 days ago.
i got no feedback.

i have no idea if you even TRIED ot watch them or of you tried but couldn't download and if you downloaded you found it boring as all fuck.

please let me know.

it won't stop me from making my mini movies but if you don't care about them i'll just stop trying to even upload them to you, which is very expensive. and i don't want to waste your time or money. so please let me know SOMETHING.

maybe it was just because it was the weekend and no one was around. i don't know! i'm just taking a wild guess! i feel all alone here trying to figure out if anyone is even in the same room as i am. hello? hi? anyone there?

thank you to the three people who acknowledged i had even made a whole slew of photos.
thank you!

but did anyone try to look at the mini movies i made that day? or was it just as waste of my time to make them for you?

i have no clue.....i'm not trying to be sulky i'm just trying to be realistic.

+++

something else i said:

i guess i can understand the love for the pope in the way that i still love (a piece of me loves) the men in my life who have stalked me and strangled me, punched me in the stomache with all their might and tried to kill me emotionally and physically and kill my soul.
yet, i'm still there loving that part of them that was good. loving their "POTENTIAL". loving the part of them that was "charming", "charasmatic", "told a good joke". we had some good times. you can't demonize their entire being. but basically they tried to obliterate my entire being because of their own ignorance/stupidity/fear.
but there comes a day you have to say "fuck that" and see them for what they are and not just their "potential" and you have to walk away to save your life and the lives of others.

the pope may have done "good things". countless. it is not a black or white situation.
but he also condemned 1/2 of humankind called "women" as being lesser than men and unable to connect to "god" the way a man can. that the best a woman can really do is "compliment" a man like some sort of condiment.
and we don't even have enough intellect to control our own bodies.

and he has condemned to hell and said to me and some my family and my friends that we are going to hell because of our sexual orientation.
eternal damnation. the worst of all sins. damned to hellfire for ETERNITY.
i mean, i know i'm not. but he really thinks we are going there and that we DESERVE IT. to fry in hell for ETERNITY. for real. he believes WE DESERVE THAT. and he PROMOTED that idea.

i understand he was a charming man. and i understand he did some good things. but he also told over 1/2 the human population that they were lesser or would fry in hell for all of eternity.

he had kind eyes. he probably meant good. and the fault doesn't really lie with him but with all the people who took his word to be "god" and followed it without question. as the media is now saying he was like "a rock star". and really , in the end, as history has proven, and as he wanted to be an actor, i have to just say "that's showbiz"

but i understand what you mean. i see the kind in his eyes , too.
still, he was a sick man for saying/believing what he did.
and we are a sick earth for pretending he is a "holy father" when he is quite obviously just as lost as most of us are.

i wish him the best. i know he meant well. but damn. ONWARD!

but believe me i understand, as a minister's daughter how i still hold on to that precious little piece of "innocence" regarding religion. i mean, my dad LOOKED EXACTLY like jesus christ. little children would walk up to him and say "are you jesus?"

and just because i see the flaws in the religion NOW doesn't mean that i think "GOD" is fuct. "god" is above all of this. "god" isn't any religion and i know you see the sweetness in all people. that is your gift and your curse.
i still am a spiritual being (as you know) and as i know you are.

i just want people to see things as they really are so real change can happen. i might be wrong in my ways, i don't know. i'm just trying here. i just can't see how people saying the pope was "good" is going to bring about any change in human perception. i think we need to say he was both bad AND good.
and i think that really needs to be examined.

and examined thoroughly.

no more glossing over. y'know?

+++

Horoscope for Aries (April 3 2005)

Everything is going your way today, so do your thing. Your ability to take on a creative project will show everyone around you how talented you really are. Your charm will be irresistible, and a little romance should be scheduled for late in the day.

and

Subjectivity
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day your closest contacts will take on a more emotional tone. You will be able to communicate your feelings more easily to your partner, a close working colleague or anyone else whom you encounter on an intimate level. Although the effects of this influence are not very difficult to deal with, you should be aware that you are likely to be so emotional and subjective in your relations with others that you may have difficulty seeing someone else's point of view. However, this influence favors situations in which you have to be sensitive to another's feelings or in which someone else has to be sensitive to yours. In your contacts with others you will seek warmth, support and nurture, and you will be equally capable of giving these to others when necessary.