april 2nd, 2005
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8:34pm

i am so in love with jason's teaset. although , in a way, it feels like ours because we picked it out together and put all the pieces together we liked. actually, i guess i picked out most of it, but we worked on it together approving it. and it felt kind of like our 1st thing together for our house someday. but it's definitely HIS because he paid for it. but it does represent us , too, together. and what a more fitting thing to start the house together with than this fantastic japanese tea set that represents strength :) now we want to collect teas and have people over for tea all the time! we don't even have a table to put this tea set on , although it can go on the floor because it has it's own miniature stand thing for itself.
i can't wait to take photos of it and show you. i don't know if i will be able to capture it's essence tho, or even if you will go as crazy about it as i am. it seems so familiar to me like i had that teapot in some other life.
it's shaped like a ufo, but it has bumps on which i realized are like seeds of a sunflower. then it also kind of looks like a boob with it's nipple at the top :)
so it's a ufo sunflower boob teapot :)
if i was on acid i think i could stare at it for 8 hours and see all the meaning of the universe contained within it and the 4 cups representing the 4 corners.
it reminds me of something from dune or the martian chronicles or maybe fantastic planet, too.
like a vintage alien piece. a very ancient relic from mars.
it makes me feel so much when i look at it. it is it's own sculpture.
and then the texture of it, and the weight of it. it gets you at every sense. i can't wait to see it with a votive candle underneath it (to keep the tea warm) and then have the extra sense of scent and light and then heat with the texture.
and steam and the sound of the tea pouring into the cups.
it is a multisensory experience full of so much meaning!
maybe i AM tripping on acid right now! (ha :) no i a not, btw)
i wish ALL my dishes made me feel this way.
i am going to aim for everything in my life to be this magical.
every fork and spoon, every chair and chest of drawers.
everything in your life should be a treasure and make you feel wonder and awe and make you feel that you and the world is full of so many possibilities.
it should all be inspiring :)
ok, maybe not the toilet paper...although, hmmmm.

it just makes me realize how much most of us are missing out on so many other aspects of life because we are so surrounded by poorly designed things. each time our eye see these dull drab uninspired things...fork..spoon, building, strip mall, office building, computer monitor...whatever. all these things...they could be filling us with JOY and WONDER all the time! and instead our eyes fall upon this ...crap. this uninspired crap that is meaningless to us and fills us with nothing and adds nothing to our lives except to just keep the rain off us or help us put food in our mouths.
but screw that. i want more from the things in my life!
i want to purr when i look at my lightswitch, and i want to sigh beams of happiness when i look at my lamp or flush my toilet, i want to feel closer to god when i go get a glass of water or brush my teeth.
i want to feel reborn when i take a bath. i want to feel inspired to be more than i am when i use the toaster.

this is what i want.
and this is what i shall have.
i will accept nothing less.
there is no reason why i shouldn't have a waffle iron that makes the golden spiral in my waffles, there's no reason i shouldn't feel closer to the hidden mysteries of the universe when i wash my hands in the sink.

6:52pm

ok, all the links should be fixed in yesterday's anagram now.
what a huge pain in the ass THAT was!

5:55pm

back from strip mall land of the suburbs.
good grief there are strip malls the size of towns now!
i'm not kidding!
they just go on and on and on and on and on and have everything in the world you could ever need or not ever need.
i went looking for nest magazine but couldn't find that, tho.
i was tempted to go into this place called "teavana" which i thought jason would hate.
and i only wanted to look around quickly for 5 minutes. and everyone kept trying to get my to sample the tea and i would say no because i just didn't want to stay in there that long. but then i sampled it and goddamn if it was not the best tasting tea ever!
i ended up buying 30 bucks worth of tea. all these special kinds that had hints of chocolate or toffee. and one that has rose petals in it, and one that is jasmine. gah! yum! and then they had this special kind of rock sugar that smelled like maple syrup so i had to get some of that!
they had vats of loose tea, each kind just smelling so amazing i wanted to buy one of everything.
so i hope this will be my incentive to drink more tea and less soda.
i'm pretty sure tea is better for you. but it's the carbonation of soda that is so addictive to me.
and then i bought some $2 tins to put the tea in. and a 9.99 red ceramic teapot.
and jason got the mothership of all teapots. this cast iron traditional japanese one with 4 iron japanese cups and saucers and this little black lacquered table that you put it all on.
i helped him pick it out. and it's SO cool looking and it will definitely last a lifetime, or actually several lifetimes.
and it was the perfect combination of modern and future with traditional and organic.
i just adore it and can't wait to have tea with him with it :)
so classy! and it makes tea more of a sensual experience.
and it has raised dots all over it so it makes me think of a cactus or a sea urchin or something. and i guess the dots are supposed to represent strength. the people were there were all so hardcore about getting the teapot wit the right symbols on it for you.
the dragonfly was for relationships and marriage and when i expressed a tiny amount of interest in that the guy was like "maybe you want the rabbit one because that is for fertility!" and i'm like "noooo! i will stay away from all the rabbit ones!"
then they had teapots that you only make one kind of tea in it because the ceramic is kind of porous and starts taking on the tea flavour and actually adds flavour to the tea after awhile. i guess those kind of teapots are passed on throughout the generations because they get better with age.

the guy that helped us looked EXACTLY like a lost baldwin brother. it was freaky!

but i'm glad i have my little 9.99 red teapot for my ordinary common tea :)

and after that we went to the men's wearhouse where jason endured getting several business casual outfits.
he really hates shopping for clothes. and a 3 way mirror with flourescent lighting is a traumatic experience for just about everyone. i went up and looked at myself in it and was like "augh!" i used to have the nicest arms ever. and now they are just all flabby and older looking. i am not happy about that at all.
i don't have nice elbows anymore. depressing.
but ya, i think i may be more motivated to do some weights with my arms now.
thank god that was the only part of my body showing or i'm sure i could have grossed out and a whole bunch of other body parts.

i kept trying to point out suits that would either look like a mobster, a pimp, or a metrosexual like kevin hill (that tv show), or someone from the men in black.
but that's just the kind of suits i will wear when ever i get money for suits :) i am so not "business casual". but i tell you the people working at that place sure know what they were doing because "business casual" had me totally confused so it was fun to watch them mix and match and learn what it was. i guess vests are NOT business casual. i love vests :) i used to own about 40 vests and wear them every day (with puffy pirate shirts) and now i don't own hardly any. now i wish i had all my vests back because i had the spiffiest vests in the world!

lunch with auntie was nice but a bit difficult to hear her. we went to champs and it was SO noisy in there and she talks so quiet. and i know there was a lot of times she couldn't hear what i was saying either because i'd say something to her and she'd say something completely unrelated back.

she was born in 1911! can you imagine?
before even radio!

the changes she has seen in her lifetime are just mindblowing.

i should wash out my tins so i can put my tea in them. but i just am so low energy now.

i want to sit back and vedge after all that shopping and crowds of suburbia and consumerism.
you can get so sucked into it so fast.

when jason was getting that teapot, i was like, are you SURE?
but at least it IS something that will last his lifetime and i got it in the natural iron colour so it will match everything always.

and it would work in a modern setting or a vintage setting. it's just a really timeless piece.
and he bought some really delicious special blend earl grey.

of course i wanted the most expensive tea there called
monkey oolong or something where the buddhist monks have taught the monkeys to climb up the tea trees and get the leaves from the very top which i guess are a very special flavour. it was like 25.00 for just 2 ounces of something.
needless to say, i didn't get that kind :)

man, we really do live in gluttonous times.
it astounds me. we live better than kings have lived. we really do.

i sprayed myself with some boss hugo men's cologne while i was at the men's wearhouse and it's so gross. i have to wash it off now it's making me feel sick!

10:45am

http://postsecret.blogspot.com

3:09am

i just want to clarify that dressing like a man does not equal lesbianism (although i am bisexual not a lesbian)
but since most of society equates a woman who dresses as a man as a dyke, it worked in my favour (i think)
when i walked into the gay bar.
but i certainly don't wish to perpetuate stereotypes, although, i know i sometimes do.
and did you know that MOST men (transvestites) are actually straight?

i just want to make that distinction.

i don't wish to perpetuate a strereotype about men who dress as women or women who dress like men.

 

2:49am

oh crap, i see that all the links in yesterday's anagram do not work.
suckfest.
i will fix that tomorrow!

1:43am

i have to get to sleep soon because i'm getting up at 10:15am to go have lunch with jason and his aunt who is 90 something years old. she is amazing. probably the sweetest old lady i have ever met. impeccable manners but not in a snooty way but in the most gracious way ever. she is the pookadog of women.
i don't know how many more times i will ever see her , so each time i get to see her is precious.

i don't know what we will talk about. this is the 1st time i've had lunch with her with only jason and not the whole family. i'd love to videotape her stories but she is too shy for that. she has seen it all.
almost 100 years old she is. amazing.
i wish that i knew her better and could have known her all her life.

she is so loving and i think the only thing i know about her that she doesn't like is that she doesn't like it when "ladies chew gum" :) but she's never experssed that to me. and i can't remember if ever i've chewed gum around her.

i do know she adores chocolate :)

oh dang i should pick up some chocolate before i see her somehow.

i went for another walk today. kind of a lot colder but totally bearable.
i walked in a different direction and went all over the place.
i took a ton of photos which i will put up later.

i even went inside this gay bar that is very mysterious. it never even looks like it's open.
all it really has is a pink triangle and then some 2 way mirrors so you can't see inside and it's in a very out of the way location and always looks closed.
well i tugged on the door today and it opened!
i went inside and low and behold was this big bar with dance floor and everything!
cute gay bartender and then a ton of old grumpy men who looked like farmers.
i had to giggle about that.
so i take it this is not the lesbian hangout :)
at least not at that hour of day.
i must go back someday to further explore this little secret hangout of grumpy old gay men.
but it may take a few more years on that.

i'm glad i, at least, looked like a lesbian as i infiltrated their "scene" with my men's jeans and men's boots and men's jacket, and wow, come to think of it men's shirt!
i guess i didn't even realize i had totally dressed as a man until this very moment since i did have pinkish orange hair and red lipstick on. and i do very much consider myself to be a part of gay culture, even tho i am in a heterosexual relationship. oy, the contradictions!

i walked into the poorest neighbourhoods, and then the arty ones being taken over by the new "loft" craze here. my beautiful warehouse building, which was the last refuge for artists and fringe culture here....i saw today had ALL new windows on it and it completely depressed me. now it's condos.

it was so fucking gorgeous and special just the way it was with it's dusty windows and some broken.
filled with eccentrics and artists and punks. no more.
now it's a "hip" condos.
suck my ass money makers.
like windows are the gatway to the soul...these gateways had been replaced by shiny new whateverness.

i mean, i'm glad the building won't fall into disarray and be demolished. i'm glad it will be saved, but the character and soul of it is disappearing.

then went through tons of empty buildings, defunct businesses, and then to the snooty part of town where the businessmen chat on their cellphones on the sidewalk with utmost importance while the upper crust dines at restaurants with waiters in white suits. i actually must go back there someday and eat there just because it did look intriguing and it's clientel looked very old.
and then some french modern places. and i sadly saw a sushi place closed, but i can take part of the blame because i never went there either. it was the atmosphere. atmosphere is everything.

past an old diner from 1923 which boasted the best "coney dog" but was closed for restoration. shame. i took a picture of it's empty insides counter and jukebox. i was dying for a coney dog right then and wanted it to be open so much!

and that back to where i live which is kind of a combination of all of these things and felt a sigh of relief as i know this is the neighbourhood i truly adore. my heart soars here. the perfect balance of arty things, a bit of nature, some grunge and some higher class stuff. it's a jumble of everything. and it feels so much more open and free here.

although condos are going up right and left all around me.

i really love my neighbourhood, tho. i never take it for granted.

but i am happy to go explore other corners of my city i have barely even touched.
of course it was a weird feeling, but not foreign, that everywhere i went i fit in yet didn't fit in at all.
when you are a weird arty type person people can't really tell if you are rich and eccentric, or poor and totally from "the hood". and so i was met with appreciation, reluctance, disdain, caution, and intrigue wherever i went.

but i just blast my headphones and block most of it out. i'm getting a lot better at that.
or maybe it's just that because as i get older i fall more and more off people's radar.
this is both diconcerting and totally a relief.

whatever it is, something is changing. my confidence, but also my unwillingness to engage anyone in any sort of exchange of communication, not even out of fear so much as "been there done that".

although i would like to go out and take photos of people, but do not want to invade their space.
maybe when i get a lot older i will seem way less of a threat to people and will be able to do this.

there are mny layers to this age thing, many advantages and disadvantages. nothing better than the other.
but each one full of it's own pain and sorrow, but also total perks.

i intend to take full advantage of my perks, as i always have tried.

but ya, i feel this new confidence welling up within me. something coming from a place that is a lot more solid than any other place where confidence came from previously.

sorry for any typos i make but i don't really have the time to edit out the typos. i will do that later.

things watched today:

the ending of "invasion iowa" which i thought was just a fabulous ending.
and i have oodles to say about it but that will have to be at another time.

then jason and i started watching this documentary on metallica, but we didn't finish it yet. i am not a fan of them, but the documentary it both embarrassing and very fascinating at many levels.
wow, lars's dad is a TRIP! an old danish hippy. just...wow.
i can see why lars is the way he is now.

as much as i adore "the future" (and "the future" is so archaic to me since i feel i am really really WAY beyond what we consider "the future" today) i am so in love with these old buildings from the twenties (or decades before) and these old abandoned diners. if i had a time machine i so much want to see it as the way it was. and go order an egg sandwhich :)

i wish i could go back in time with auntie and see it. she was there!
she is not much of a story teller tho, for whatever reason.
maybe seen to much sadness?

or else she is just in "the now"

or perhaps she is tired of telling her stories. i sure do i am getting to that point!

i wonder if i could find the phone # of who to contact tho about that older diner and see of they would let me in it just to take photos. i am going to try.

over and out for now.
wish me pleasant dreams.

and photos from my adventures forthcoming.

something i posted yesterday in lj:

"ohmigod, media, please shut the fuck up about the goddamn burger king omlette sandwhich already!
fuckin a. enough already.

p.s. when the pope dies and is reincarnated. i hope he comes back as a gay woman."

+++

Horoscope for Aries (April 2 2005)

You may be speedy, but today it's best to be a little reluctant. You don't want to make the first move and then be ostracized for your choice. Play it smart and you will have no regrets.

and

Clearing the air *
Valid during several weeks: During this time there is tension in your life, but it can be used creatively if you are conscious of what you are doing. If you are not, this influence can signify a time of conflicts, especially with those closest to you, such as your partner and others whom you must cooperate with. Even your intimate, positive relationships may suffer at this time. The problem is that you will find it difficult to give in and compromise as necessary to proper cooperation. In any close relationship, there is often too much compromise, so that the real complaints and grievances are not aired, which in the long run tends to weaken even a fine relationship. Now is the time when these repressed grievances can be brought out into the open, which should result in a real clearing of the air between you.