march 31st, 2005
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8:29pm

i went outside for a walk for 1 1/2 hours. it felt so nice. 55 degrees. the sun stays out until 6:30pm now.
i took a ton of photos that i have been working on fixing up and cropping for the past several hours.
i don't know if i will get them all done tonight because i am so extremely tired for some reason.
they might be all up in tomorrow's anagram.
maybe because i walked so much and i'm still not completely well.
it felt so good to move, tho, and get outside. it made me happy and feel more fulfilled :)
as i've been working on these photos i watched survivor, sort of, and i've been sort of watching the apprentice.
multitasking.
and at jason's he is taping invasion iowa and csi for me :)
i need to get some food...

4:22pm

 

3:39pm

i'm so glad that Terri Schiavo finally died. god that was brutal letting her die that slow death for 12 days or however long it took.
everyday i would check the news and just hope to god she had died. i can't believe it took her that long to die. so fucking brutal that she had to die like that. so incredibly disgusting and barbaric.

2:49pm

i don't remember what my dreams were, but they were all bad again. oh well. at least i got that good dream in there yesterday *sigh*

it's 57 degrees and sunny out. i want to get outside and walk. 57 degrees is totally doable.

today i will go to the p.o. box and mail a few things.

i have enough money to pay rent. which is nice.

i still need $200 for my electric. and i need $275 for my server.

and then phone...probably can't pay that this month.
just got some myserious note for debt collection for a credit card from about a decade ago that i swore i paid off.
but they say i didn't and didn't say how much i owe. this shit paralyzes me.
i just don't really know what to do about it.
i really don't. so i just don't do anything because i don't know what i am supposed to do about it.
i mean, whatever it is, what am i supposed to do?
they want me to write them. write them what?
just handwrite them a letter and say hi? hi, i have no money...who are you?
wtf? what do i say? what do i write?
i am confused. this stuff paralyzes me.

and another letter the other day from another credit card that i do woe on from a million years ago.
and i could have settled the whole thing for 1/3rd what i owe them. only 300 bucks.
but i never did get 300 bucks.
i wanted to ask my dad to help but just couldn't bring myself to do it.
fuck. whatever.

so anyway, i need to come up with about 500 bucks now for my server and electric.
need to find more things to sell.

i have so much to do. make or find things to sell. taxes, restraining order.

i just want to make music. i just want to create. i've barely created anything lately.

i have to just keep going. one foot in front of the other.
i can only do what i can do.
and if i can just keep moving forward somehow , even if it is slowly, at least that is something and i have to congratulate myself for moving 2 inches forward instead of 10 feet back.

i'll just keep doing that. i'll just keep taking this one day at a time.

one foot in front of the other.
stay on top of dishes, laundry, food, cleaning, taking a bath. just have to keep moving forward and remain as positive as i can. that's all i can do.

take care of myself as much as i can.
i think i'll make myself some food now and then get out and walk.
if i don't take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually, first and formost, then everything will topple over.
and i'm not going to allow that to happen.

i just have to remember that all these things are very small in the grand scheme of things. i have my health. i have my mind, i have a lot to be thankful for.
things will work out. they always do.

myspace made it so you can have a username that is also part of your url today.
i tried to get ana, but it was taken.
so i got voog.
http://www.myspace.com/voog

not that i ever do anything whatsoever with the myspace thing. all i do is add people if they request to be my friend and hope that some of them are intrigued enough to come to my actual website.

 

 

 

9:40am

Horoscope for Aries (March 31 2005)

If you aren't traveling physically today, you will be mentally. Your mind will be in overdrive, and you should be able to achieve pretty much anything you set your mind to. This will be a great day for physical activities, self-improvement, dealing with youngsters, socializing and romance.

and

Attention, Children!
At this time you have to deal with your own hurt feelings - either you are reminded of old wounds by some incident, or a sore point is disturbed again. Maybe you feel a little weak and are conscious of a certain aversion to handling the usual everyday interchanges - a feeling as if you were coming down with flu. If you now have the need to be alone, then that is what you should really do. If you make too many demands on yourself or if you are not left in peace, you may become hurtful to others - for example, your children if you are a parent - as a result of a certain indifference. Fortunately, this influence lasts at most half a day.