march 30th, 2005
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11:49pm

ah!

a good story!

when i 1st discovered the internet in about 1995, i subscribed to just about every single "new age" and weird mailing list there ever was and became obessed with it all! mailing lists were the thing. it was before proper forums and stuff.
there is a woman named charlotte king who would post regularily to a list i was on re: earthquakes and her predictions based upon what aches and pains she had in her body and also how her cats were acting AND the ants. yes, the ants. she would watch the ants. i don't know how many ants she has in her life, but it must be a lot.

she fascinated me. because her entire life seemed to be in complete physical pain and watching her cats and the ants and how this related to world wide earthquakes.

she once wrote to the list totally in pain (of course) and wondering if anyone was up who could just talk to her while she waded through her physical pain. well, i was up, i always am. and so, i talked chit chat with her throughout the night hoping i helped her at least for one night because i could tell she was a special soul.

well, TONIGHT, she is on coast to coast! i get to her voice for the 1st time!
she is kind of the "jandek" of "new age" to me.
sorry for the obscure reference.
and btw, jason received all 40 jandek cds today. i love him for that :)
i really do :)

charlotte king and the cats and the ants tonight on coast to coast! yay!

i know i get so excited about the weirdest things :)

i can't explain it! she is just...mythological to me!

now you have to pay for her updates. at one time i had an entire charlotte king folder just documenting her documentation on the ants and whether or not they were moving right or left. i don't know if i have it saved somewhere. i might have deleted it in just trying to let go of documenting EVERYTHING.
i wonder if she still has it all. it would be like "the ants are in clusters...i predict earthquakes in fiji on the 27th through 29th on a 4.5 on the richter scale." i can't even reiterate it properly. just to know that there is this person out there taking their aches and pains and movements of cats and ants and translating this into predicting the tetonic plates of the earth shifting was just...a whole new paradigm shift for me, if that is the proper word for it.

i don't know if it's true or not. but that someone on this planet had "deciphered" this langeuage of aches, pains, cats and ants into a world wide earthquake thing really opened my eyes to a lot of possibilities in interpretations and langauge.

 

8:11pm

just pieces of ordinary life...

 

6:04pm

i think i need to redye my hair red. i don't like it as much as it is fading out.
one side is kind of a pinkish red and the other side is turning into orange.
and while that is sort of cool, that's not what i want.
i need red red RED!

but before i do that, i am going to stick all the tare panda stickers i have been saving for years onto the cover of my new journal.

4:53pm

i made xeroxes of the letter she wrote me and the cheque she sent me. and printed out the letter i would send her certified mail. and walked towards the bank but what i was doing didn't feel "right".
in sending her the letter i would have just been giving her another chance and prolonging my agony. and as ironic as it is that my mom would send me a cheque and then i could use it to pay for the restraining order, i don't think that would, legally, be good for my case. plus i think she could then rectify it in her mind that it was a good thing to send me that cheque, and it wasn't a good thing. it wasn't helpful in any way.
and do need 200 bucks, but i don't want or need it from HER.
also, i have already made it abundantly clear to her that i do not want contact and to send her a certified mail is just overkill on the matter. and i don't even want anything in her hands that i have touched. i don't even want her to have the cashed cheque with my signature on it. and i don't even want to send her back her letter with the "return to sender" on it.
i just feel she will even feed off of THAT much of me. i know it sounds weird, but i don't even want her to touch my handwriting. i am that creeped out by her and she has been such a vampire, i can't even let her have that much.

and i am surprised at my decision because i thought it would give me some sort of relief to have the $ in my account for this restraining order. and maybe in a way to give her one last and final chance. but it didn't feel good to me at all or feel like any sort of relief. it made me feel more nervous and vulnerable.

so the cheque will not be cashed. i feel stronger having made this decision. and i will just continue on to the court to file the papers to get this restraining order.
that's the only thing that feels the most "right" to me, as wrong as that seems.

i feel good in this decision. and that is just one more step i have taken today towards peace.

and i got another paper journal at the place i made the copies.
and it only cost me 12 bucks, whch i think is cheaper than kinkos if i remember correctly.

and i'm a little zipped on coffee at the moment and need to just calm down a bit somehow.

and went to walgreens to get my xanax and amitriptyline.
xanax must have gone down in price since i last had it (a prescription to it).
it was only 28 bucks for 90 .5 mg pills.
or maybe it hasn't. i guess i just expected it to come to 80 bucks or so.
so kick ass that it didn't.
i am supposed t take 3 of those pills a day, which is twice the amount of xanax i have ever been on previously.
c'est la vie.

i started writing in my paper journal as i sat at walgreen's and i can barely even write anymore since all i do is type now. my handwriting has gone to hell and i don't even know how to hold a pen and it was very uncomfortable.
i want to get back the control of a pen in my hand! because i have to have control of it if ever i want to draw!

jason will be home soon but i don't know if i want to go on the treadmill since i already walked a ton today outside.
and i kind of don't want to overdo it since my cold isn't entirely gone yet.

 

2:31pm

now i'm getting ready to go out to the xerox place, to the bank, and then to the post office to send to certified letter to my mom.

2:16pm

ok, here is the letter i am going to send her certified mail. i copied a lot of it from my friend terri's mail that she also sent to a stalker of hers.

Dear -----

As I have explained to you repeatedly, I wish no further contact with you. By "contact", I mean phone calls, emails, posts on any of my online websites, letters, gifts, in-person visits, atempts to reach me via third parties, or adding my to your "friends list" on Livejournal or any other similiar website.
I will treat any further attempts to contact me as harrassment, and will take appropriate legal action to protect myself.

I have cashed the cheque you sent me because a restraining order costs $247 and I think it's only fair and fitting that you should pay for this, should you contact me again. I will keep that money in my account for that very reason.

Be advised, I am sending a copy of this mail to your ISP, for their records.

 

 

2:00pm

i've decided that i will cash th cheque my mom sent me for $200 and write on it "for restraining order"
since i think it's only fair and fitting she should pay for it.
i'll xerox it off before i cash it.
then i will send her a letter via certified mail explaining that if she contacts me again in any way i will be getting a restraining order on her. i think it will help to send it certified mail so i have proff she received my demand for her to stop contacting me.
how do i send something certified mail?

 

12:58pm

i actually had a GOOD dream!
i dreamt i went back to the donut shop where i had my 1st job. it was winchell's donut's then.
when i went back t it , it was just a no name donut place with a sad middle aged man behind the counter runnning the place. the walls were painted margerine yellow and were bare and the flourescent lighting made this seem even more harsh.
i asked if they were hiring and he said no. and i asked if they might hire in the future and he seemed to think not.
but i asked if i could leave my information anyway just in case and while i was writing down my name and phone # i told him about how i had worked here before and knew how to work all the machines and that i was an artist and i put my portfolio on the counter.
well, for some reason then i was hired. and it was just he and i making the donuts. and i made sure that things stayed stocked. and that the pans remained clean. he seemed to get a bit more motivated. and i tried to figure out a way i could make this place less depressing and it would improve sales. i realized the yellow had to stay because it was the best colour to not show off any donut grease that might splatter on it. but i suggested i paint donuts in white in the walls. i did this repeating pattern of a glazed raised donut and made it look kind of like a bunch of ufos but in a fun 50's sci fi sort of way.

this was a big improvement. then i went out to the tables and there were these old brown plastic advertisement things on them. i took them all off and threw them away and suggested that we get little vases and put white flowers in each one for all the tables. and this old woman customer who was in there delightfully agreed this would be a good thing. and i also hung white garlands on the ceiling.
and the customers even helped and wanted to help.

and i realized the front windows had curtains on them that were drawn,
so i opened them so customers could see inside as they drove or walked by.

i cleaned off all the dirty windows and thought i should paint something in the windows to let customers know we were changing and improving and to come in and take a look.
we joked around as to what words i should paint in the window and we laughed that maybe it should be "get your butt in here now because you know you want a donut!"

and i tried to think of something to say about spring. since it was spring and we were renewing and i wanted a tie in. but couldn't think of anything so just decided to go with "we're growing!"

and more people did start coming in and everyone loved the new look which was so much more happier and festive and inviting and lighter and all the donut ufos made people happy and laugh.

oh, and someone remarked that i looked 24 (which is always nice, ha :)

and i decided we should have a new kind of donut each week, just to get people in here each week to see what we had made. even if it was just a weird coloured donut, like a blue donut. just something pretty and funny to make the kids laugh.

and then we heard of a tornado that has just devastated a nearby part of our neighbourhood, and the man who worked there loked at me and said "what if that had happened to us and all our work would have been for nothing?"

and i said (and i know this is super corny but give me a break, it was a dream) i said "but all we have done will still live on in our hearts. it is never gone."

and he seemed to start to understand that.

that it wasn't the end result that had been the important thing but the process we had gone through that transformed this place and ourselves so that we could recreate these conditions again in our life at any time and anywhere. so all was not lost at all.

and then in kind of a willy wonka way, i said "well, my work here is done!" because i had done all i could for this donut shop and he had learned m lessons and could now function fine without me.

and he was sad and didn't want me to go, but i knew i had to move on to other things.

---

what a great dream, huh? now i even want a donut shop :)
and just so cool for me, personally, since i harbour ill will towards winchell's donuts since is was such a fucktard place, but at the same time i hold it in great fondness and i really loved it, in many ways. maybe because it was my 1st job and all that goes along with that.

and i think i've already told you but i will have to tell you the hilarious story of how i got fired from that place.

anyway, it was a healing dream for me, like i had gone and "fixed" something from my past in my mind and i feel kind of renewed from it.
it sure is a completely different feeling to wake up from a dream like that , than to wake up from a terrible nightmare.

i sure do hope i have more good dreams more often.

i maybe have about 2 good dreams a year.

i want good dreams every night!

---

today is grey and rainy but it feels good to me.

 

Horoscope for Aries (March 30 2005)

You've had some setbacks in the past, but don't quit now. Pick yourself up and get ready to make the power play of a lifetime. It's your turn to boogie.

and

A bit wild
Weak, transient effect: Tonight the quality of time arouses an independent and rebellious spirit in you. You are inclined to do exactly the opposite of what someone suggests and to reject whatever others say simply because they said it. For the same reasons you are impatient with restraints, duties and responsibilities. There is a great need to be free and to do something very different, maybe even a little bit wild. You have a strong craving for excitement with this influence, and you may act in ways that you would never consider in a more sober mood. This could be either good or bad, of course, depending on how conservative you usually are and how unusual or outrageous the action. For some people this can be a very liberating influence. For others it is a bit too much.