march 28th, 2005
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11:27pm

i'm reading back on my very 1st journal entries made online as started my cam:

(http://www.anacam.com/analog)

i was thinking of not making those public anymore either. just moving it all into ana2.
i've only reread the 1st 3 entries so far, and it's really cracking me up at how quaint it is.
that was so long ago, and i was such a different person then (and so is the internet), but in many ways i am still the same.
i don't think i've realized how hilarious my writing is (at least to me) until i've gone back and reread this stuff.
hilarious in the way that i am talking about the most mundane things, and then all of a sudden something hugely personal, then something very heavy like religion or politics or physics and then back to eating cheerios and then oh btw, i had a dream about siamese twins being cut in 1/2.
it takes me right back to those times and how exciting it was when the internet 1st started.
and how i used to get SO much email that i was begging people to send me only 1 email message a day because i was being so bombarded by email. and remember this was on a 28k dial up modem so to read all those emails just took FOREVER. i wish i had kept more of that email.
i would get the funniest, most intellectual, psycho emails, and that really was the best unseen element of my cam. i wasn't the one being watched as much as i was watching everyone who was watching me via email. it was like i was a tiny portal into people's souls and they would tell me things and confess to me their deepest darkest secrets. i felt honoured. ya, i wish i had saved it all. but god, it would've been a monumental task to do.

people treated my email more like a chatroom because i didn't have a chatroom then or a bbs or any kind of forum. so email was the only access people had to tell me something. so i would get 20 messages a day from people. and this added up to thousands of messages a day.
and i completely forgot how many people would complain to me about my lighting. it was either too dark or too light or they didn't like the colours or they didn't like how i had arranged my furniture and stuff. and i forgot how much my server would crash.

in hindsight, i have so much to say about all those journal entries and someday maybe i will write a book about the whole experience.
when i was talking to unquietmind today on the phone, a very rare thing for me to do since i leave my phone unplugged for months at a time, i realized even more how many stories i have to tell that i didn't get to say. i mean, more of a "summary" and consolidation of my entire cam experience as i've been doing this for almost 8 years now. i have so many books in me i don't even know which one to start 1st!

i don't think i have the discipline to do it alone. or maybe i will find the energy later on.
and maybe i am placing too much importance on it. i probably am. but they are funny stories worthy of some note, definitely.
it was a moment in time when things were very magical about the internet for a lot of people. and i feel so fortunate to have experienced it and been a part of it.

anyway, not really sure how to approach all this stuff and what to do with it, exactly.
it's an overwhelming task. i want to get it all on a cd so i can just sell that. but i'm not sure what is the best way to go about something like that.

i don't feel as bad about deleting a lot of my lj entries the past few days.
it just wasn't representational of who i am now or where i want to go and be now.
as much as i love to put a context to things so people can see (or at least *I* can see) the evolvement of things and how i got from point a to point b.

more on this later, i'm babbling, as usual :)

oh no wait...more....
i just want to reiterate the point that i wanted my "art" to be all about all it was i was doing.
i didn't want a separation between my process and the end result.
i didn't want who i am separated from what i do and think about.
i wanted it to be all one. i still think i do.
i'm still not comfortable with the thought that as soon as i make my art it is separate from me , but takes on a life of it's own. but it's true, it does. but i'm just not comfortable with that. but i am trying to be because i realize that is how it is.

i think what i am going through now is a bit like what bjork expressed she was going through when she made her "family tree" album. where she needed to consolidate and put an order and summarize all the work she had done so far up to that point, so that she could then let go of it and start a new phase of her musical career.

i don't know if i explained this well. i don't know if i ever dol. but i'm trying...
it help me get more clear to write about it.

9:36pm

shooby shoo. watching csi.
thinking about what we show others and what we don't.
met a woman who is overwhelmingly fearful that at her death she will be laughed at because she has a collection of odd things, one being a glass dildo that was given to her as a joke present.
i don't think there is anything in my possession that anyone will find at my death that they will be surprised about.
maybe i should cultivate some things that people will be surprised at just for the heck of it.
maybe i should start a fake diary that discusses my sexual fantasies about martha stewart or george bush or something.

6:42pm

took a bath. i need to get that cam2 in there. but when i was sick i just didn't really feel like having a cam in my bathroom. i wish it wasn't such a pain in the ass to move.
didn't make it outside, but did have the 1st day in a long time where i felt almost "normal" both physically as well as emotionally. felt actual happiness tday, and might i even say contentment?
i have a zit forming in the middle of my forehead so i feel like a cyclops, but other than that things are pretty ok.
i need to get to the little store for garbage bags and cokes.
i don't knwo what it is with that store that it has to stop selling everything i like and need.
as soon as i like something in there, they get rid of it. like no c2! and the only dog food there now is puppy show and then all of a sudden a TON new catfood. what's up with that?
reading bill nelson's diary makes me feel more secure in knowing that what i write here is a good thing.
because what he is going through is always , weirdly, a lot of what i am going through and that this iconic english guy who influenced me greatly can write about being still stuck at the computer in his "dressing gown" at 4pm makes me feel a bit less like a loser. although he IS getting a whole new album completed right now as well as a gob of other things and playing live shows and he is always up to a ton of stuff. but hey, i'm getting there. i'm gonna make new music soon. he has quite a few years on me so maybe he has this whole "efficiency" thing down just a little bit more than i do. ya, that's what i'll tell myself :)

well, as soon as i finally mail off these boxes i meant to mail a week ago, then i got the cold and was derailed, as soon as i get them out i will have a lot more room in the thing room. and i carried jason's stuff back to his house because he hurt his back. well, then i can get back to setting up more musical gear in there.

i will try to balance getting my taxes done, this restraining order business, and doing music.
somehow i will do it.

i mean heck, i have worked as a stripper for 14 hours a day, while living in a party house with 5 depressed alcoholic punk rock boys from hell, all the while going out with that wanna be vampir boyfriend AND wrote and recorded introducing sorrow on my days off. so i know that when i really want to get something done. when i NEED to, i do it.
but i was 22 then and had a lot more energy and was not jaded yet so much.
and i had a lot to prove. and when you have a lot to prove, then that is a lot of motivation.
i guess i feel i have a lot to prove still, in a different way.
prove to myself that i can be at this whole new "adult" level or something.
prove i can do music outside of the bounderies of the music industry system.
prove i can still be an artist even as an older woman. (i know that sounds dumb to even say that! i mean duh! but the music industry is so FUCT!). that you don't have to do teener bopper music or "adult contemporary" clay aiken crap when you are old. i don't know what...something. i am my own genre.
like bjork. i am uncategorizable. i cannot be put into some sort of age bracket system.
ok i'm done writing about this. i'll write about what i think i have to prove later. now this subject is boring me, actually :)

and jason is coming over and we are going to watch "insomnia" but i have already seen it so i will crochet. but 1st to the store to get trash bags...

6:05pm

re: this school shooting up here on the reservation.
it's too bad that the outpouring of love and attention comes AFTER the fact.
if people would just put that much energy into people BEFORE they go on killing rampages, then things would be a lot better.

 

5:57pm

ah the joys of spring, summer and fall when i guilt myself out for not going outside to enjoy the pleasant day.
oh yes. this is why i think i prefer winter now.
i don't have to feel bad for not getting outside.
i guess tomorrow i should just go on the treadmill with jason.

4:43pm

Henry Darger
today unquietmind told me about this:
http://www.realmsoftheunreal.com/

"In 1973, at a Catholic poor house in Chicago, an 81-year-old retired janitor quietly died. His name was Henry Darger. Just months earlier, he had moved from the rented room where he had lived for over 40 years. When his landlords, Nathan and Kiyoko Lerner, cleaned out the clutter room, they discovered paintings: hundreds of brilliant watercolors, some over 10 feet long. The images were disturbing and mysteriously beautiful: little girls frolicking under stormy skies, little girls fighting soldiers, little girls being rescued by fantastic winged creatures. In many images, the girls were drawn naked, with penises.

The landlords soon found the other half of Darger’s life’s work, perhaps the longest novel ever written: the more than 15,000 page, single-spaced typed In the Realms of the Unreal, an epic story of the virtuous Vivian girls and their religious war against the evil Glandelinian army. For most of his life, Henry Darger, a recluse whom others called “Crazy,” had lived in this rich fantasy world. It was a world he had kept to himself."

wow :)

4:27pm

got sucked into watching lisa marie presley on oprah. bad me!
now must make myself a tv dinner (salsbury steak) and then jason will be home and he will go on the treadmill but i think i will go outside, even tho my walk is slow and won't be much of a workout, i think i just need that more than to go on a treadmill indoors. and i'm glad the days are getting longer.
it's so cool that it's 4:30pm and still sunny out now.
i long for the days that it's light out until 9:30pm.
soon....soon....

and then the cherry season :)
and apricots and plums :)

3:41pm

it's 65 degrees out! i feel a lot less conflicted about deleting most of my lj entries than i did last night.
i think it was a mostly good thing.
i am still processing it, tho. i'm sure i will go through many layers of emotion and thought about it.
and on and on and on and blah ditty blah...and onward...
had a nice almost 2 hour phone conversation with unquietmind and that was very nice :)
i hardly ever ever ever talk to anyone on the phone and mostly my phone is unplugged from the wall.
so having a phone conversation was rather quaint to me and felt very tangible and cool and i like her so much.
she doesn't drain my energy at all, she is comforting and i find it rare to find people who do not drain my energy and i am really thankful for when i have someone like that in my life.
and she makes me laugh and feel lighter :)
i think i definitely need to get outside in a hurry because it's stupidly nice out there and i need that.
tomorrow might by this year's 1st thunderstorm!
and i had a coke in my fridge to wake up to, which is always a bonus. and i'm still sniffling with my cold but i don't have to take any cold medicine anymore to be able to breathe so the cold is on it's way out.
i wish i could remember where that kinkos is by me. i went there years ago to get myself a paper journal and now i have no idea what street that was on. i'd like to get myself a new one.
the last one i bought in hopes i'd write in it has ended up just being used for scrap paper and writing phone numbers on and stuff and not ever for journaling.

i'm feeling really positive about things today and i really hope i can hang on to this feeling for awhile and surf it like a wave.

2:41am

yahoo groups changed the look and layout of their groups and so i had to search as to where it said how many members belonged to my group because i check up on that every few days. last time i looked, as few days ago, it was around 7,000 members but today it says it is: Members: 11523
i seriously doubt that 4,000 people signed up to my list in just a few days. that makes no sense.
so what on earth is up with that?

1:39am

for the past 2 days, for about 8 or more hours a day, i have been deleting almost all my lj entries.
i don't have the energy to explain why in detail.
and i'm not sure if i will regret it or not.
i don't even know if anyone would have noticed had i not said so here.
i think i just didn't want that much information about me from my past out in such a public way anymore.
my mom has a lot to do with that. her and her family making me feel weirded out by reading my lj.
and i just don't feel a need to express my most innermost thoughts and things that have happened to me in the past with total strangers. things like everything with my mother, problems i had with drinking at one time, medications i've been on, trauma i've gone through. i guess it was in part, a way of purging and also protecting myself. although everything that was writen out there is still hee in ana2. and even more private stuff is in here than ever was out there.
and i think i'm really sick of getting into arguments with stupid people out thee and the terri schiavo thing was the last straw for me when i saw the ugliness and ignorance of many people about that.
i don't feel like arguing or debating or opening myself up to so many people as much as i have.
i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing or if it's just me getting older and moving into a new phase of my life.
the hardest part of deleting the entries was knowing all the comments to those entries are now gone.
and so the documentation of the interactivity of it all is gone.
and that felt like a death to me, in a way.
as i was erasing people from my life and things they've said to me.
some people i'm happy to erase. but there were lots of comments i wish i could have savd but i just cannot save EVERYTHING. 1/2 way through the proces it ocurred to me that maybe i should have just made all the posts private so only i could see them. but something in me wanted the finality and purging aspect of having it gone.
it was a little "snapshot" of how the world was then and what people thought about different things.
but i just cannot take it upon myself to save absolutely everything in my life. it's just too much..
i kept the posts up that i thought were still cool. rants i went on about thing, etc.
or posts that had photos in them.
and maybe i'll stick those in my memories section.
or maybe i will archive those some other way.

i just want to get things more condensed. and compile the "best of" things for each year. best of photos, best of writings. and keep those still up.
and then put the whole comprehensive kit and kaboodle onto cds and sell those of anyone wants to see everything as to how it was completely unedited.

i'm torn between the kind of funny way i wrote in my journals about practically every thought that went though my head. without the funny little stuff inbetween all the intense rants and stuff, things might seem as if all i do is go on these intense rants. and i don't knwo if i want that either.
all of this is really hard for me to sort through.

and it was been very exhausting for me to go through years of my life and see how much i hhave been through.
i feel pretty zoned out and zombified from the entire process.
i thought it would feel more freeing, and maybe it will later.
but it gnaws at me that maybe i shouldn't have done that.
but at the same time who on earth actually goes back trough my lj and reads it all AND reads the comments?
i'll bet no one does, and so i am probably putting too much importance on it.

it's not like i just deleted the dead sea scrolls or something.

still, i feel kind of strange and numb and sad and conflicted by what i have done.

but i feel myself going into a new phase of my life now.

i even feel like deleting almost everyone from my friends list and stuff just so i stay off LJ more.
i want to spend less time being verbose and more time doing other creative projects.

i don't know....i don't know where i am going with this.
and maybe i will continue being verbose in here.
i probably will. i think it's just in my nature.

but i'm going through a purging process and entering some new phse in my life now that i can't quite explain or define yet.

and that's all i can say about it right now because i'm not done processing what this is about for me.

 

+++

Horoscope for Aries (March 28 2005)

A chance to do something great is present. Use your powers of persuasion and your ability to get things done, and you will excel. This is the ideal time to pick up information that will help you make your next important decision.

and

Enjoy yourself
Under this influence you are likely to feel quite good about yourself in a positive way. Also you will want to be with other people, particularly to have a good time. You do not want to attend to anything that is not immediately enjoyable and gratifying. It is a good day for play, although you can get work done if you really enjoy your work. With this influence you also seek to expand your daily routine. Today you won't be satisfied to do what you usually do. You would like to learn more about yourself, the world and other people. This is a good day for beginning a trip, especially a vacation. It is a time to relax from the rigors of everyday life and enjoy yourself. Despite your present casual approach to life, in your encounters with others you are able to make an impression.