march 25th, 2005
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"I was not trying to be shocking, or to be a pioneer. I wasn't trying to change society, or to be ahead of my time. I didn't think of myself as liberated, and I don't believe that I did anything important. I was just myself. I didn't know any other way to be, or any other way to live."

---betty page

11:19pm

going back and reading what my horoscope was for today and then reading what happened to me throughout the day cracks me up quite a bit, and i'm glad i can have a sense of humour about it.

i have to say i feel strangely "purged" from that weird hour of horrible food poisoning. i mean, ya, of course obviously physically purged, but at some deeper level purged even there.

maybe because i was at the lowest of the low right then, cramped over like a cripple, sweating and on the verge of passing out that i prayed to "god" to help me. i said "please god help me please god help me please god help me"
and i felt so small saying it and so futile. because i didn't know what "god" is or even what specific kind of help i needed. i just figured s/he-it would figure it out what i needed most and intervene with whatever was most efficient.

and at the same time i felt selfish for even asking anything of "god" since terri (i am only guessing) sems to have gone through worse). i felt like such a crybaby. like what would god care about me with food poisoning when there are people far worse off. tho, right at that moment it seemed that i was the most worse off of all, truth be known. i know i, logicallly, wasn't, but it sure felt like i was.

but i think of the bible passage where it says god even knows even a sparrow falls..or something like that.

and i think of god as more of a geometric interdimensional intergalactic mathematical equation that is all of us at once, and is also nothing. and i think of god as knowing of "right" or "wrong" simply because we are part of god and we think that way, but i think the bigger picture is just no right or wrong, just everything at once BEING and somehow summed up and a geometric pattern that really couldn't even be said to be a pattern since it is always evolving and changing. and that is the miracle and mystery of it.

if everything that could be said and done already IS, what is the point of even moving on?
but somehow, it DOES evolve, even so...and so...that is the mystery and that keeps me going.

and it seems laughable and quaint that i would call upon "all that is" to help this one tiny fragment of a girl curled up epileptic style because she ate some bad eggs. i mean, who cares?

but ya, i guess when it comes right down to the nitty gritty many of us can revert to our "roots", and at that moment i was just this little lutheran minister's daughter from some cow town hoping her dad was right and that god really did exist and would hear the sparrow fall.

life is so freaking weird.

*tears*

i wish life were that simple. and maybe it is.
it would all be nice if we all had some big dad in the sky watching over all of us.
i know it's a lot more complex than that.
and at the same time even simpler than that.

i wish had the words to express it. but how can you?

i did hear from my dad today. he sent me an easter card with a $20 bill. it's not really the support i was looking for, but i'll take what i can get. i love my dad so much. at least when he doesn't agree with me he doesn't shoot me down and crucify me. he just sends me an easter card with a $20 bill and is quiet. at least i do have that.

 

10:52pm

as if this day could go any more wrong, i settled in to watch the adam documentary but it was in PAL format so need to get that converted somewhere. so put in the dr. who episodes and then WHAM! got hit with a bout of food poisoning (must be from those eggs and mushrooms i had) just completely out of the blue that left almost fainting, covered in sweat and actually praying to god to help me because it hurt that much.
weirdly, after an hour of that, it just left me and i feel fine now (except for my cold). i guess praying to god helped?
but ya...wow...what a day from hell this has been. and i will never eat eggs ever again that are 3 days over the exp date. i would have thought 3 days would be fine but maybe because they were organic that changed things? or maybe it was the organic mushrooms. i KNEW that whatever i had cooked seemed a bit off. good grief!
all i can do now is just wind down and thank god that this day is OVER with and that tomorrow is a new day to start again. and hopefully my dreams tonight will be more pleasant.

so ya! so long to this day! i'm glad to be done with ya!
tomorrow i am eating safe foods like the instant soups that howie sent me!
no more questionable mushroom and egg things. not ever again.

i hope that tomorrow i can wake up refreshed. have a productive day of creativity! shake off this bad spell and just MOVE ON!

7:48pm

ok had a bit of a cry, took some cold medicine.
went to the store for microwave dinners but then when i got back i had a package from from howie with insstant soups in it! oh joy :) little things like that make my whole miserable day better!
thank you!

and now jason is home so we are going to watch a dr. who episode that i was unaired and has the dalleks in it.
BUT, 1st we are going to wacth this british tv documentary on adam ant on his battle with his bipolarness etc.
sent to me from england! it was hard to track that down and took many months!
god, i hope it's actually formatted so that i can see it on not all on that english kind of tape.
i've been wanting to see this so badly!!

so, tv dinners, instant soups, dr, who, adam ant..and waiting for the cold medicine to kick in..which it isn't so far.
i think i have some sort of immunity to cold medicine now. i don't know, nothing works. i just want to breathe!

scroll down to the end of this page to see the cool mouseovers i made today.
i don't know if anyone saw them.

6:16pm

harassment as defined by my county:

What is harassment?
Under Minn. Stat.609.748, harassment is defined as:
-A single incident of physical or sexual assault
-Repeated incidents of intrusive or unwanted acts, words, or gestures that have a substantial adverse effect or are intended to have a substantial adverse effect on the safety, security or privacy of another, regardless of the relationship between you and the alleged harasser.
-Targeted residential picketing
-A pattern of attending public events after being notified that one's presence is harassing to another

+++

my mom's harassment of me has affected me to be able to function in my life and job and has caused my emotional distress. does that count as affecting my safety or security?

could security mean financial security?

i am confused.

i feel unsafe in that i feel unsafe on the internet in that she is going to come after me saying crap at me any time and anywhere...can it be that kind of safety or does it have to be physical safety?

also it costs $245 to do this.

*sigh*

 

5:35pm

 

5:16pm

wrote things in lj.. deleted them.
bad day. made a bath but forgot all my towels were still in the washer and so not dry.
tried to make some photos but wasn't into it.

i feel like crying but i don't have the strength.

i need some love.

 

3:17pm

i made some portabello mushrooms with scrambled eggs and it was just gross.
the mushrooms made the eggs all grey. and the texture of it all was totally unappealing.
i don't know if it's because i'm sick with this cold that it tasted gross, or if it was that the mushrooms were past their prime, or that everything just sucks today because that's the way it is, but it's is furtherly depressing.
so i'm throwing it all in the trash and moving on, once again.

one step in front of the other. keep on moving on moving on....
things are gonna be ok if i can just keep moving forward.

and i have to get off this computer. i have to. people are pissing me off a lot today.
my heart feels like it's going to burst from sadness and anger.

2:18pm

i remembered a happy thing. that ducky got proposed to last night and said yes!
so i went over to her journal to read the comments to that because i knew that would cheer me up.
and it was totally working until i saw some DUMBASS post with a lj of terrischiavo with a really DUMBASS comment. so i went there to see the journal as was astounded by the cruelty.

i am so disgusted by so much of "humanity" i don't even have a word for people who do things like that and make journals like that. i don't know what is wrong with them.

it's time to step away from he computer. i just can't deal with the cruelness of this world today.
i have to go off into my own world now and create something beautiful to counteract the ugliness i see today.

 

1:52pm

i weird, i just remembered another dream from last night where i was in the room the the parents of terri s. as the official people came to tell them that she had "passed on". and the people who were to tell the parents kind of wrested with how to say it. "passed on" or "died" or "ceased to exist" something. it was a weird little dream and it made me very sad.

so i went to the news and see she is indeed on her last hours.

i have tried my best to not read about it as much as possible because at the begining of it i read a lot and it made me very upset. well, i am still upset, but i just have to let it go because there is nothing i can do about it nor do i know any of the people involved.

i just want to say that whether or not i think terri should or should not die, etc etc etc....
i think it's positively BRUTAL that they are doing it by starving her to death.
that is just fucking sick. we give serial murderers on death row a better death.
we give dogs and horses a better death. we even give cows at a slaughterhouse a better death.
how is starving and dehydrating a person to death over a week dignified or humane by any stretch of the imagination?
what the fuck is WRONG with this society???

i don't know whether or not terri would want to live or die. no one does. she didn't leave a living will so it's anyone's guess. but i will bet you a gazillion dollars no one in their right mind would say "i would prefer to be starved and dehydrated to death very slowly, please. THAT is the way i'd like to go!"

1:25pm

it's amazing i said this winter i would record new music and now winter is basically over with.
time just flies. i think this had to be the fastest winter i have ever experienced. probably , in part, because the winters keep getting warmer here and we get less and less snow and so it just felt like a really long cold fall for most of the time. i really want to get on with making new music ASAP. i should get jason's stuff out of the thing room today, which have been in there for over a week, maybe 2 weeks, i don't even know. and then there is some more stuff in there to throw away and clean up. and then maybe i will have a bit more floor space to set up some music gear and i can get on with that so i feel like i am actually doing something with my life besides deal with unpleasant things like restraining orders, taxes, cleaning, and dreams of rape.
i want to create a nice little world in their to create. i must i must i must create or i'm going to go nuts.
and to be well enough to start walking again. excercise!
and fresh fruit and veggies soon! summer summer summer food! salads!
i cannot wait. i am needing it. i am ready for it. bring it on.
i need a rejuvenation. break out of this crusty shell.

is this sunday easter?

 

12:58pm

turning on the new wave. it's sunny out and 40 degrees. it's going to get up to the 50's this weekend and it looks like it will not rain as much but actually be sunny. i'm excited about this. i sure do need to get outside badly and have some spring. maybe i will even go out there today a tiny bit if i have the energy. i think my cold is finally on the way out, but i'm still pretty stuffed up. i don't know what i will do with this day. i guess just try to not dissolve into a hole of depression but just keep myself looking up and keep putting one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward and not backward. if i can just accomplish that, i will be ok.

12:52pm

i also feel kind of bad that my dad has written anything since my last email to him. i suppose he just doesn't know what to say. i don't know why i keep being disapointed when he doesn't write when i know he won't. i should be used to it by now, and i guess part of me is. that is just the way it is. but he doesn't stick up for himself, so why would he stick up for me?

12:34pm

i had an exhausting sleep, if i could even call it sleep. all night long i dreamt i was going to school in the rickety old building and you had to take the stairwells everywhere and everything was falling part in there and dark and so in a matter of only hours into my school day i had 4 men attempt to rape me in the stairwells or else outside of the building if i would try to enter or leave. and no one was doing anything to rectify this or to listen to me. and this dream just went on and on and on and on and on. so stressful and exhausting. and then i'd dream about reliving it all, trying to remember every detail to tell to cops whenever i could make it to them to have them file a report. and so it was just reliving and reliviing and trying to remember the details so that i could finally have it officialy reported. and then i'd wake up and still be trying to remember as if i had to tell the police and i would try to convince myself that this was just a dream and none of it really happened so it was ok to let go of it and forget it. but i just couldn't. it really felt like it all happened. and so i just feel traumatized today. and so all my energy will go in trying to release myself from the hours of torture i have gone through all night long. fucking a. can i ever get a little peace?

1:11am

mouseovers:

Horoscope for Aries (March 25 2005)

Don't let emotional matters get to you. Stay in control and on top of your game, and don't leave any room for error. As long as you are aware that you must be extremely precise, you will do just fine.

and

Shared experiences
Today you are likely to be in a dreamy and romantic mood, and you will seek a quiet place to spend time with someone you love. This is not a wildly erotic influence, and although good for sex, it is mainly a time for two people to quietly express their affection. You want to be with someone whom you have a lot in common with or someone who has shared your experiences. With friends, you will want to talk about old times and things that happened in the past. More than anything else, you base your relationships today upon experiences that you and others share. This is a good day to spend pleasantly at home. Domestic surroundings appeal to you and it is easy for you to express your affection. You will have strong feelings of love for your family and relatives under this influence.