march 24th, 2005
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7:42pm

all clean, took moer cold medicine (although i don't know how much good it does), and now am settling in to watch the apprentice. wearing my clean white nightgown and white kimono to make myself feel more "light" and on my way to wellness in spirit as well as body.

 

6:25pm

got off my sick sorry whiney ass and managed to clean a bit.
so now instead of wallowing in 3 inches of dog fur i am only wallowing in 1 inch.
so much more to go but it feels a bit better in here and maybe this tiny improvement in my feng shui will help me get well faster so i can just keep improving. let me tell you my house is a feng shui DISASTER.
i can't wait to get rid of more things so i have less things to dust and clean around.
now i need to eat something and clean myself off.

earth is such a dirty messy place, it's a wonder anything ever gets done at all in such a place.
moving one pile of dirt from over here to over there. 'cause that really all that is happening.
or rearranging dirt into new shapes. dirt dirt dirt.

4:27pm

a good thing today:
sold "the hat of many powers" to my friend, jacqui!
so yay for that happy thing :)
that helps me out a great deal and i am really thankful for that.
really really thankful.

3:45pm

i am just going crazy at how dirty my apartment is and how this is intensified by me being sick.
being sick in a messy house is the WORST.
but having no energy to do anything about it.
i feel like i am drowning in a sea of dust and dog hair.
i feel so entirely gross and it is so depressing.
i am trying to be at peace with it and just let it be and try to concentrate on something else but i have no concentration. again, nothing appeals to me. nothing. i am bored out of my mind.
and all my mind focuses on is everything that needs to get done and the hours ticking by.
and all i can do is surf the net which is boring me to death or sit on the bed and stare and pet the dogs and get even more covered in dog fur.
being covered in dog fur and my nose dripping and my hair and everything also total in static electricity because it is so dry in here.
this sucks.
this really really sucks.
this suckfest. a suckfest on top of a suckfest in a suckfest with a few more suckfests attached to that for good measure.
a mountain of used kleenexes before me.
gross.
gross gross and more gross.
arrrrrrgh...............

sorry to whine. but fuck! fuckity fuck fuck times infinity.

fuck.

fuck!

the only thing i have to look forward to today is the apprentice and see who gets kicked off AI. and how entirely lame, sad, and pathetic is THAT? that is an a whole new level of pathetic is what that is.

that is not what i would call a LIFE.

maybe i will just start in one corner with my lintbrush and make a 3 foot by 3 foot square in my room that is not covered in dog hair.
and then that'll last like...5 minutes.
just make me a bubble that i can crawl into.
a clean and sanitized bubble.

i wish there was a washing machine i could put my entire apartment into.
i wish an army of merry maids would come bursting through my door with buckets of soap and water and clean my house wth glee and sing as if they were in some sort of great musical from the 50's.
and in the end they would carry me over their heads in a chair singing "havanageela" (or however you spell that).

and they would leave behind my very own personal robot who would entertain me with cheerful things for the rest of the day.

either that or cable.

cable tv. i forgot jason has cable but i don't want to go over there.
his house is super clean, too.

and a ton of his stuff is in my thing room as he has been waiting for painters to come and paint his walls again and then they never do.
so my thing room is more thingy than average.
but tomorrow those painter guys come and then i can get my thing room more clear and have a place on a floor where i can lay down.

this week is supposed to get up into the 50's! but rain...
i hope i can be well to get outside and there are a few hours of no rain.

today is super grey.
this is the worst journal entry ever.
bah.

 

1:00pm

today i still have my cold, but i have just accepted that is the way it is, and so, i am less pissed off about it. just really hate getting sick when i felt a creative streak coming on and had so much to do. very resentful i am.
but...oh well. i give in. there is nothing i can do about it, i don't think. c'est la vie.
i think sleeping and sleeping and sleeping helped a bit.

i have so many sewing ideas i want to try out.
but i have to finish ducky's hat, then do taxes, and then work on this restraining order BS, and then make more things to sell.

all i want to do is sew these textural things i am seeing in my mind for months and months.

and my house needs to be cleaned in a major way.

god. i wish i had help of some sort. fuck.

dreams:

being inn the massive walmart place where everything was super cheap and glitzy and trendy and kitchy..like all this candy that was shaped into novel things. at first i wanted everything, as this place went on for miles and miles, and then after being in this place for a few hours i started to realize that this was all crap i did not need and it was all poorly made as well. and then i got sad as i saw all of us in there having our attention being focused on buying all this meaningless crap, even tho it was all pretty for that very minute. it was nothing that any of us needed and more was just a huge glittery trap to keep us distracted from the things that really matter in life.

at one point when i was still enthralled with the place and i had found this pink plastic squishy elephant toy candy thing, and i wrestled with some little boy brat, there was only 2 left and i already had one, but i wanted 2, so i wrestled him for it. and then these old men who were sitting on top of these racks looking down on us yelled at me for being so horrible as to try to "steal candy from a baby" and i was pissed because it was actually the little boy who started it, and i realized how immature that sounded coming out of my mouth "he started it!" and then i just said the meanest thing i could think of to this old guy and i told him to "go back to his old people's home", which was just a dumb thing to say because i knew i was getting old, too. but in all truthfulness it wasn't like this guy represented wisdom in my dream, he was just a cranky old judgemental man sitting on top of a rack in a really awful walmart.

but in the end, ya, that place was really a bummer and i realized i didn't need or really even want anything in that store and i put my cart down and didn't buy anything.

and then another dream where i am going over to this drag queen's house for what i THINK is a photoshoot. i thought he wanted to take photos of different types of eyebrows on me. and i had my eyebrows shaved off so i could wear different styles (as i do in real life now). and i was in his backyard and his house was really rundown. and he looked at me and asked me how old i was, and i said i would be 39 next month. and then i felt really uncomfortable about that, like did he think i looked younger in my photos and now he didn't want me in them because he saw me in real life? did i look to old for him?
but i just sat there and sat there wondering when this was going to happen and there was a ton of younger punk/newwave/rave/ drag queen type people there , too. and everyone seemed to know what was going on except me. they were constructing a huge cardboard set, which didn't look like it was near completion by a long shot. and finally i found out from someone that this was going to a a science fiction movie and someone tried to explain the entire plot to me but it was so elaborate and they were talking so fast i couldn't take it in.
and then i figured i was to play the queen, so perhaps this was a good thing that i was older than any of them were.
and i also realized they didn't have any experience to back up anything they wanted to do, they just had a lot of ambition. and i tried to figure out where i could best apply myself to help out, like start painting the cardboard sets or something since no one had even started that or really had even thought to think of that.
and i looked at the time and it was midnight but the sun was up in the sky as if it were noon, and that made no sense to me.
and i realized i better call jason and tell him where i am and what i'm up to so he wouldn't worry. and i wondered if i should just not help these people at all, who were very unorganized. i didn't know whether it was worth my time to be part of it, but at the same time it was kind of fun just taking in the energy of it and watch people run around trying to figure stuff out.

and then this other involved dream which is too much to type out but involves this house that i dream about a lot. and i couldn't decide if i wanted to live in the attic or the 1st floor/basement.

i had just cleaned the attic and made it sparse and so that was nice.
and the 1st floor basement was more dirty but had in it all my old dolls and things that i loved so much and a big sandpile to play in and also right outside the door was the ocean and a beach, but also this meant the water could come in and flood my room at any moment.

and then another dream that i can't remember but i woke myself up from it for a second because i actually said out loud "acknowledge what i have to say!"

+++

 

 

Horoscope for Aries (March 24 2005)

You still have a strong hold on everything you are doing, but the opportunities won't be there forever. It is important that you put as much time and effort into finalizing deals and putting in the fine detail required.

and

No loose ends
This influence brings your personal, domestic and emotional life to prominence. You will feel more integrated and at one with yourself in many ways now than at any other time. And your relationships with other people, especially women, should be more harmonious as well. This is because you approach everything as a total person, with no loose ends hanging out to signify divided intentions. The only problems with this manifestation will arise if you are afraid of your feelings. Then this can be a turbulent and uncomfortable time, for you will be confronting an aspect of yourself that you do not like. But disliking your emotions is the problem, not the emotions themselves. If you find this transit disturbing, you should examine your attitude toward your emotions.