march 17th , 2005
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11:26pm

"crazy" email of the day:

From : Boogy Man <lad_1@hotmail.com>
Sent : Thursday, March 17, 2005 11:04 PM
Subject : Hi cuty

man i just lov u,u r nice 2 watch on your cam,can u send me a pic of u

10:24pm

i have written THEE most INTENSE letters to people today!
just zoooooooooooooooom! past the BS!

1st a letter to a woman who is in this weird triangle between my mom and i.
she is like my mom and i
my mom is like her and i
and i am like my mom and her.
(was that the correct grammar?)
she was my mom's lj friend, spyed on me with a fake journal, realized it wasn't me who was nuts but my mom, felt guilty, confessed, and la de da.
she is also friends with a lot of my lj friends so it is all very incestuous.
this is all so very bizarre.
but she helped me today get clear on a lt of things and so i was very truthful with her back.
i hope that will be ok.

it is INTENSE!

i've been afraid of her but we could become friends in a bizarre twist.

then, my dad finally wrote me back, and he..just..god bless him and i know he means well but he writes this:

(condensed)

I'm really sad about the escalation in the conflict between you and your
mother. I always hope and pray that things will get better. I had a
meeting in --- today and all the way up and back I thought about
what you had written particularly about your intention to put in place
a restraining order against your mother. I know you must be serious if
you are willing to spend money to get it that you could use in other
ways.

I read again the descriptions of your pain and exasperation, but I would
really urge you to think this over very carefully before you decide to
definitely pursue it. It would kick the conflict up to a whole new level
that, I'm sure, will have consequences that may in fact generate a new
set of problems that you didn't anticipate. In my opinion, it will be
crossing a boundary over which you may never be able to return.

Get as much input as you can from others. Ask your psychiatrist what
he/she thinks about bringing in the courts. You are so emotionally and
physically drained right now that it may not be the best time to make
this decision. Maybe this is what it will take to settle things down but
I have my doubts. Would you like to meet with me sometime soon to talk?
I will come; just say the word. If you decide to do this it will affect
all of us in this "family" in some way or another.

+++

i'm sorry but my dad is SUCH a martyr. he hates conflict and will do ANYTHING do avoid it.
my brother was so abusive to him after i left, my dad would put a chair under his door because my dad was afraid my brother might stab him in the night! you know? hello? ummm, no!

i wrote back:

thanks dad, for your thoughtful reply.
i have thought this over for actually years now.
i have gone over and over this in my mind and even tho i am very
emotional , i am extremely clear and logical about this.

i don't really understand what you mean by kicking the conflict up to
a whole new level. since this is about stopping the conflict. it may
kick up the conflict in HER as she realizes that what she is doing is
morally, ethically, and legally wrong ...but for me, it will bring
peace, somewhat. i can ever have true peace because how can a person
ever have true peace when their own mother is the abuser? if she tries
to bring any more conflict into my life because of this, she will be
arrested. end of story. if there is any new problems to become of
this, it isn't anything i need or have to deal with. as a human being
i deserve to have my boundries respected by everyone, even by my
mother. period.

she has already crossed over a boundry of which she can never return
by her actions. i have told her straight out if she got another lj i
would not speak to her anymore. she had plenty of warning. and i told
her straight out that if she contacted me in any way whatsoever i would
file a restraining order against her.
i completely let her know , very clearly, very articulately, exactly
what actions i would take if she continued with her abusive behaviour.
she chose to continue her abusive behaviour and so i am, legally,
going to end it.

i don't think you fully realize what has been going on. and how could you?

this isn't easy for me. i don't do this flippantly. i have really gone
through the ramifications of my actions about this for the past 2
years. i have struggled with this intensely. of course it rips my
heart out to do it...but my heart is already ripped out. i'm not doing
this out of revenge, or anger. i'm not doing this to teach her a
lesson or get vindication. i am doing this because i feel this is my
only last hope for any semblance of even something resembling peace in
my life. it is purely survival. i am not a martyr. i am not a person
to just sit there and "take it". i have respect for myself. i warned
her. i warned her many times. i have tried everything within my power:
reasoning, ignoring, therapy, begging, pleading, crying, threatening,
swearing, playing dead...nothing works. nothing.

all i can do now is turn to the law and hope it will serve me right.

i have gotten a letter from my doctor for the judge. i have all the
documentation i am going to print out which you have never seen. i am
getting sworn statements from other people she has also done this to
as to her stalking and harassing behaviour.
she doesn't just do this to me.

this is a pattern with her.

i don't know what is her problem, but i need to protect myself now.
because she is ruining my life. she is preventing me from being able
to live, survive, create. she is making me physically ill..
and she KNOWS this. and still she continues. i have articulated ALL of
this to her over and over again over the past few years. but she will
not stop EVER.

i could give you email after email after email where she tells me how
wrong she is and how she understands what i am saying and how she will
never hurt me that way again, and then 2 weeks later she hurts me
again.
i have miles and miles of text where she says "yes! you are RIGHT! i
don't know what is wrong with me!" and then she continues to hurt me.
then she guilts me out...guilt guilt guilt...manipulation
manipulation...lie after lie after LIE. she cannot stop.

i don't know what is wrong with her. i have tried to help her. i have
tried to reason with her. i have tried all avenues possible. i really
have. i have given this everything i have.

i have gone way beyond what a normal person would do.

but nothing stops her. she just will not stop. she cannot, i guess.

in fact, since my last email to you, she has started another LJ.. she
is a pathological liar. i know that is hard to accept. i know it seems
downright nonsensical and ridiculous. i know it doesn't gel with what
she once was. i know she seems sane and normal when you see her in
person. believe me, i feel like i am living in the twilight zone in
some parallel dimension! i know! i live this every day. it is the most
bewildering thing i have ever know...at the very core of my being i
scream WHY? but i can scream all i like and ask why til i am blue in
the face and this will not stop her. i need her to stop.

none of this makes ANY sense! i have tried with all my might to reason
with it. i have gotten the opinions of MANY professionals. many very
highly intelligent people, psychiatrists, doctors, people of high
intelligence and high esteem.

i'm sorry, i know this hurts you too, in some way.
but sometimes you have to protect yourself.
and that is what i have to do now.

i wouldn't do this if i didn't think this was absolutely essential to
my wellbeing.

and it is. it is essential to my wellbeing. ESSENTIAL.

she could have chosen to not have this happen, too, by just leaving me
alone. but she deliberately chose to ESCULATE contact with me when i
told her if she contacted me ever again with would take legal action.
it's not even just contact, but very manipulative extremely passive
aggressive deliberate hurtful disempowering contact. it's VERY
deliberate.

i don't know why...but there it is...

just...there it is

+++

THEN, another intense encounter with someone else's dad. i hope i did not step out of bounds but this dad was speaking for his son and it's a very long and involved story for which it's not my place to go into here, but i really just called this guy on his bull because it pissed me off.
gah.

anyway, i have been INTENSE and FIERCE! and even tho i have a cold i feel just...somehow...
a new being in a way.
i am coming out of yet another cocoon into a new realm of fierceness and beauty.

+++

4:10pm

a nap helped a little bit.
my cold hasn't worsened so that is good.
happy st. patrick's day to my irish friends!
at 5pm our apt building is having a st paddy's food thing downstairs and i think i'll go down there then and get some free irish stew.

i can't find my thermometer anywhere. i'm sure i have a temperature.

my doctor was nice but it was impossible for me to summarize everything i wanted to say within the 10 or 15 minutes i get to see him. but at least he is writing me the letter and that is what i wanted. i should get that in the mail in a few days.
the glass apple i gave him years ago was still on his windowsill so that was nice to see :)
and he gave me a prescription for xanax since i'm taking it now anyway from getting it off the internet. it'll be nice to actually have it doctor prescribed because i feel a bit weird having to get it from india or argentina and then not knowing if i will REALLY get it and if it will even really be xanax. and so far it has been. some sort of weird indian version of it.

it was nice he didn't freak out on me about it, but rather just gave me a real prescription for it. that is a relief.

it sucks to be on xanax again just because it's #1 expensive and #2 hard to get off of, but i've gotten off it before many times and so i can do it again. but right now i do need it and it helps me because i am a nervous wreck.

 

1:08pm

so the doctor. and he is going to write me a letter re: my mom for the judge.
i think i just need to take a nap now.
i'm too exhausted to type right now.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (March 17 2005)

Take the world by storm today. Be specific about your needs and your objectives. You have to compensate for any competition that may want to oppose you. This can be a very productive day if you forge into the future with confidence.

and

Accept yourself *
Many people feel most vulnerable with regard to their bodies. They mask and work on their bodies because they feel insecure or even ashamed of them. This is not the case for everyone and not a permanent feeling, but a little bit of this is in all of us. Under this influence you need have no fear of being hurt or rejected again. Rather you have the opportunity of recognizing and accepting such old wounds. The love and understanding of your partner can help you, if you are bold enough, to acknowledge and admit to your vulnerability. Trust in the fact that despite your wounds you can still be loved.