| march
16th , 2005 |
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*cries self to sleep*
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it's hard, i try to make light of
it, but tomorrow wll be hard for me.
my shrink who i have seen off and on for 20 years...time goes so fast...
the longest "relationship" besides my parents.
and still yet no relationship at all.
it's just weird.
it's hard.
it's expensive.
i will cry.
emptiness for the short term. but looking towards the long term results.
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oh gah! i'm so bummed too! i forgot
to tape any of my shows!
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ok, so screw the "wear your
dreams" idea.
i'm sick and have a cold. i'm not thinking clearly.
but...i saw the fixx! and
the lead singer guy 1st thing on stage looks around and WAVES to me and says
"nice hat!" haha :)
rock :)
but more importantly there was GARY TIBBS which i TRIED to scream his name at the top of my lungs to him but being a tiny creature my voice was lost at sea, AND he really reminds me of paul schaffer!
too funny!
it was the BEST to see the fixx (or as i kept referring to them all night to jason as either "gary tibbs" or "adam and the ants")
and there were NOT that many people there really, and i could have TOTALLY, run on stage and tackled gary tibbs to the ground easily, if i had been COMPLETELY out of my mind, as i would have been had i been 16. no problem!
but ya, it really wasn't THAT far
out of the question. it wasn't even a question but more a reality.
and i think the fact that the fixx guy said "nice hat" to me was
the "go ahead" signal for me to tackle poor innocent gary and corner
him and question him about all things adam ant. (haha, just kidding :)
but it was the 1st night i think i felt as an asian chick must feel being totally "exotic" in a sea of men who wanted to relive their new wave faNTASIES and i was the only woman in that crowd who did not look like a man. and there were some definite homoerotic guys in the front who were dying for that lead singer and that lead singer guy was bumming out on that.
and so every guy that night who needed the lead singer from lush...i was there all 1986 for them.
haha.
totally hilarious and i am definitely cracking up big time right now.
gary tibbs!!!i wish we could have stayed for him to sign my hello kitty purse. meow!
i love jason for taking me to these things and putting up with my new wave girlness!
i am so lucky :)
and so now i must get to sleep all
stinky of cigs and get up at 10am 'cause kiitos is coming to get me at 11am
to go see my $120 an hour (every 15 minutes actually) shrink who looks exactly
like john denver.
and so the pain of paying hin $120 will be muffled by his john denver good
looks until i get his lawyers after to me to pay him again.
damn.
he actually sort of reminds me of the shrink in twin peaks who wore the glasses with one red lense and one blue lense or whatever that is,
whatever he is, he is an ex hippy who looks like john denver and he is ridiculously expensive and if you want to see him in this city you can't even see him. he hasn't taken in any new clients for a decade or more, he is that popular. if you weren't already his patient 20 years ago you can just forget even trying to see him. he is some sort of rock star of shrinks.
i can't figure him out at all. he totally puts on the best game face i have ever known. all i know about this guy is he is an aquarious and i could tell he was kind of depressed for awhile and then he got happier. but that is IT.
sometimes i can pay him in glass apples (literally), but then a few months later his lawyers get on my case and then he denies knowing anything about that so ...hmmmm.
he is SO like my dad in every which
way imaginable...so he really has me hooked for life. i'm a totally goner
for the pseudo i am so sensitive john denver i will protect you types for
$120 an hour.
poker face non emotional. DATA from star trek!!!
because i want to save HIM.
i want to know how HE is doing and how i can help HIM out. hi data, can i
help you become more HUMAN?
and god, i hope i haven't ruined HIS day by being emotional. and he assures me i have not (humans!), and then months later i fork him over $120 because #1 he reminds of of my dad that i need and want his approval and #2 i legally owe him $120 and he is my #1 pusha man.
good grief. it's so ridiculous.
but ya, tomorrow i see him for NONE
of these reasons.
tomorrow, not for dad, not for drugs, not for anything but write me a fricking
letter to stop my mom.
and i've got 2 or 3 other people on the net that my mom has harrass that are ready to do sworn statements as to my mom's harrassment.
i am living in a parralel universe.
and i have to get to bed. take a vitamin. a knock off xanax.
get to bed.
'cause tomrrow is a BIG day.
and of course my dad has written
NOTHING to me after i wrote to him.
i always know i will be met with silence. and i try to brace myself for it.
SILENCE................
but each time it slays me like as tidal wave.
i can't help it. he is a tidal wave.
and i am a snail.
i have the golden spiral on my side.
last night i dreamt of the apocoplypse.
and people were arguing with me that the apocolypse wasn't happening because
the angels they saw in the sky had only 9 wings not 12 (some numerical biblical
reference in my dream) and i was like DUDES! you are seeing ANGELS in the
SKY with 9 wings a piece and you are telling me this is NOT the apocolypse
because if it was the angels would have 12 wings a piece??? you are out of
your MINDS! it doesn;t matter how many wings they have but the fact that we
are seeing giant angels in the sky!!! the apocolypse is here now!
sorry for my typos i am so tired....
6:32pm
motto
"wear your dreams"
what do you think of that as a motto for my hats/creations?
is that too corny or is it already taken?
truthfully, most of my dreams are nightmares so i don't know if that is actually a very good motto! haha :)
what do you think?
6:09pm
i so totally need tivo.
survivor and ANTP, and then AI all in one night almost all at the same time
when i am gone.
i can record survivor on one of jason's tv's and ANTP on the other. and i
guess i will just not see AI tonight.
but it's just who gets voted off. yes, i am addicted.
5:37pm
it just creeps me out and makes me
feel icky all over knowing that my mom is probably looking at me on my cam
all the time. i know a lot of creepy people watch me. this is nothing new.
i get emails all the time from this man who calls himself satan and wants
to see more pictures of my pussy and tells me how he is in love with me and
i am the perfect woman for him. he even sent me a xmas card and i know what
he looks like and he looks really really frightening.
like some sort of insane marine with a unibrow.
and you know, i can deal with that.
but my MOTHER. no. that just creeps
me right out.
you'd think it would be a nice feeling to have your mom watch over you.
you'd think that would be preferable over mr. satan psychosis unibrow.
but it's not.
and that...is just very weird and sad.
and i am feeling sicker by the minute.
i am feeling cold yet i am hot.
i have the chills but i have my heater on and a winter coat on.
my nose is getting sniffly.
my throat is scratchy.
i feel heavy and tired and sore.
i'm glad we have a reserved table
at this place to see the fixx.
that is what is so very strange will be seeing them and we are at a table.
and we actually get dinner, too.
a dinner table with the fixx playing and the bass player for adam and the
ants in there, too.
you really never know where life is going to take you.
poor adam now fat and bald and struggling with his bipolar disorder and his
aging when he used to be the hottest guy on this planet.
that has to be rough.
that could be me.
maybe it still will be.
we're all just a stone's throw away from total ruin.
i'm so glad i'm not bipolar. i see
many of my friends struggle with it and it's so difficult.
i'm glad i wasn't dealt that deck of cards.
i'm a pretty strong person but i
don't think i could handle that.
there is a lot of things i couldn't handle.
i can handle mr. satan unibrow demanding more pictures of my pussy as he declares his undying love for me in almost all capital letters and too many exclamation points. i guess i can even handle my mother obsessively watching me on my webcam as long as she just stays quiet.
i hope i can get this restraining
order on her before she starts posting in my deviant art account.
which i know she will inevitably do. i cannot delete comments there.
when i did receive a rude comment and reported it to abuse, they said they
took care of it.
but i have no idea what they DID. because that comment is still there. and
when i asked them if they could remove it i heard no reply from them.
so if my mom gets on deviant art then i am going to be very upset.
so i need to get a restraining order on her before she gets on there.
god, no wonder i am ill.
i hope that i am hungry by the time
i get to the club, because the dinners there are good.
but i'm not at all hungry right now.
i don't even think anything would taste very good.
you know how things just taste bland when you have a cold?
now it's 5:55pm. so i have an hour
and 1/2 to get ready.
i don't feel like getting ready at all.
i feel like crawling into bed.
i am so super sleepy. i slept until 2pm today but i didn't go to bed until 6am because i was working on my hat site.
i'm trying to teach people in photocontest
what the golden spiral is, while still learning about it myself.
so many members now, reaching towards 2,000.
god, i feel really sick. sorry, i
am a sulker and a whiner when i am sick.
poor poor me. pet the poor sick kitty cat. mew mew mew.
4:38pm
i have just been informed that my
mom has made ANOTHER new lj. yep, for real.
hahaha :)
god, this is just...to surreal! she has the tourettes of starting new ljs.
it's like some sort of weird obsessional nervous tick with her. must...start...new....lj....every
5 days....must....click...create new ....LJ....
what is her motherfucking deal?
yes, i went to look at it. yes, i know i know.
must...go....look...at....my mom's new....lj...like a terrible...car crash....
but i'm still doing well. this didn't throw me off.
i had to laugh, actually because the name of her journal and then what she
titled it...she misspelled a word and it's completely funny because her journal
is supposed to be about being clear...and she misspells the very title of
her journal about being clear. so that was a good sad laugh.
i'm listening to the kings of convenience
and feeling rather more sick by the hour with this cold, which is really bumming
me out. i feel like i could maybe just go right back to sleep.
and maybe i should. i don't know.
i leave tonight at 7:30 pm to go see the fixx.
3:53pm
i love's me some deiter dog
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3:22pm
i do feel like i am getting a cold
:( bah.
so far it's just very small. i worry that tonight's cigarette smoked bar will
make it worse.
and it most likely will. cigarette smoke will make me so toxic my face will
break out for days.
god, i fucking hate that people can smoke in bars.
i should be able to go out and see a band and not worry that cigarette smoke
is going to push me over the edge into getting a cold that will last for weeks.
it's not fair.
3:02pm
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i redesigned my hat site,
i've been wanting to redesign it for some time. but being in dwell gave me that little extra push i needed to do it.
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Horoscope for Aries (March 16 2005)
You may know what you are doing, but someone around you is likely to be confused today. Help out so that you don't experience any setbacks due to someone else's mistake. Friendship and love are evident today.
and
Feeling sentimental
Weak, transient effect: This morning you are under a very pleasant, light-feeling
influence. You enjoy being with others and find all social contacts interesting.
Most people feel very affectionate toward loved ones during this time, and
there is a strong desire to support and protect those people who are important
to you. But be careful not to act too possessive or to try to limit anyone's
freedom. If you behave in this manner, you will experience this influence
discordantly and will have trouble with your loved ones. You may feel very
sentimental under this influence, for it tends to reawaken memories of the
past and causes you to feel very attached to them. Also you should beware
of any tendency to overindulge in food or drink. Discipline is not one of
the strong points of this influence.