march 13th , 2005
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6:08pm

i don't feel very well today. i'm very nervous and my stomache is upset.
nervous about my mom, nervous about seeeing my psychiatrist and just the usual blah blah.
no energy to talk about it and i've already said all i can say.
i've been good, i haven't gone to my mom's journal.
it's still on my mind tho. and plus just keep up with the daily chores and bills and trying to stay sane and grounded and creative and productive and i'm doing a good job, if i do say so myself.
but i'm very nervous today. and i need some sunshine and fresh air.
so nervous it'shard to brush my teeth or swallow a vitamin without gagging.
i went on the treadmill fo an hour today. walked 3 miles at 7% incline.
i'm going to take a bath now.
sorry i don't have much more to say, i just need to focus on the moment to moment here.
oh and i finalyy did get my period. yay! but i have cramps.

i'm sorry there a few of you that i owe emails to, but i just can't write any today. i just want to stay off the computer as much as possible today.

listening to bryan ferry's "mamouna"

 

 

4:58am

my nose looks huge with the wide angle lense:

 

4:29am

2 stream of consciousness writings
(don't read anything into them)

run out of clocks

strawberry underbelly. the cellar scares me.
grandmas house smelled like old candy and radios.
now she's a skeleton in the dark.
shoe shine boy with a buckled up tooth grin wipes a tear from his flesh before moving on aching
casted off old man wrinkles in a corner unnoticed
urine and altoids
i don't read the newspaper
too cumbersome and the train runs over it the next day on the dot
bridged up feelings for an old punctuation mark
the melody lost but one note lingers only hurts, i strain
heavy on the cream
brillo pad hands held me tight
whispers fed me shadow puppets
i projected a sound upon it that filled my heart in a dog shape
like apron strings and dumplings overcooked
i was born when they did the twist
i was
peppermint schapps
these words have run out of clocks

---

waving goodbye from a car window

crustable poptart mackerel living it up with a pootatin' whistler mickey. smack my lips. my zing will always be better than your zang. chatter dog fills his cup with a pumpernickel wicker and rolls over to play red. cranberry sauce on your lips makes me smile. old typewriter smell. magazine covers crumpled inside old perfume. i remember you long ago. inside fiberglass, also. death wish, hold on.
wrapped up in a crepe your furniture all rearranged. creeped in there. humidor. dust. riding crop. cement shoes. dangly earrings. doll parts. too tight.
hiding in the closest from the lawnmower. petrol. old rags. blank it out. run uphill. jack and jill. cracked underwood. old movie. busted up shoe. nail in the heel. rustic thoughts. pine tree room deodorizer on a windowsill empty. a run in your nylon. pumped up and steamed. writing on the window in your spit. waving goodbye from a car window but they didn't look back.

3:35am

2:53am

i forgot to write down a dream i had last night.
a big part of it was because before i went to bed i was watching this cool documentray on those RE/search people who make those amazing robots and robotic installations. and they were all living in this cool warehouse in holland or somewhere.

that would be a dream come true , to live in a big warehouse with people who make weird robots. and watch them tinker around all day and start fires and steal junk and clunk around in big boots making robots. hell ya.

so, in my dream, i was living there. the outer parts of the warehouse (which was blocks and blocks and blocks long (weird i just made typos where i wrote clocks and clocks long! interesting!) was extremely dirty and exposed the most to the outside and i decided i would start cleaning it. and got out a broom and just started sweeping the gigantic sandpiles which had accumulated there over the years. but i wasn't at all bummed about this daunting task. i was just so happy i was part of the collective of this warehouse and that i could be there to help keep it running and make everyone's lives better by adding feng shui. (sorry for my terrible sentence structure...good grief).

but my curiousity kept bringing me farther and farther into the building and the farther into it i got, the more clean it became and the more people had taken care of it. i started to see cool art spray painted on the wals and bizarre mod furniture made out of sprayment and huge fiberglass cartoon animals.

as i got further in it actually was REALLY nice with expensive antique victorian furniture and very high tech computers running the whole operation. a very high tech security system, to be exact.

i think the dream means maybe that i am raggedy and dirty on the edges/outside (but not afrid and actually looking forward to working on that!) but inside i am still running smooothly and sophisticated on the inside?

all in all it was a very cool dream, and not one i would consider a nightmare at all.

i hope someday i get to live in a big warehouse space.

+++

still on the same theme as my dream last night, since i had a dream of victorian furniture,
i did a little search on victorian furniture and was truly SHOCKED to find this chair on the net that i had given up when i moved into the 2nd apartment because i need to get rid of things! and i have up 2 things i really regret giving up on that move: 1. this victorian wicker chair 2. my pufferfish lamp
but mostly i regeret the victorian chair because it was the coolest thing ever and it was super small so it was made just for me, and because i had found it almost as if it were a dream. i woke up one morning to go to work and walked through this dirty old brick alley i walked through every morning, and lo and behind there was this bright red extremely spirally ornate chair in the middle of the alley. for no reason. just sitting there all surrealistically as if it had been sitting there like a stray cat waiting for me to find it or it had been dropped down from the sky from some parallel universe and i knew immediately it was for me!
well i grabbed it because it was, obviously, something soneone was giving away, i do the same things with many of my things, leave them in weird spots , artistically, for people to find and hopefully treasure.
and so, i nabbed it and took it up to my place and later spray painted it gold because i had found this PERFECT gold cushion for it, too. i took me photos with me on that chair, but i still need to scan them in someday.
it was going to go on the cover of my introducing sorrow album.
i had it for a quite a few years and when i moved i figured it was time to let it go and let someone else enjoy it, so i left it in the hallway of my old building, mysteriously and beautifully, and of course within minutes it was gone.
i hope whoever has it loves it!

here are just a FEW cam photos i have of it.

 

BUT! i need it back now!!!
because i have a photo that has been in my head for 10 years now called "all dolled up" where i am sitting on that chair like a doll, and then my tallest plastic doll i still own and have been keeping for this very photo will be in the photo, too. i TRIED to get this photo on my last cd but it was vetoed by my label who didn't at all get was i was trying to do. i guess that is part of the reason i gave up that chair because after they vetoed the photo i wanted to do with it, that idea kind of was put in the back burner of my mind.
but i'm glad they vetoed it because now i get a chance to do it AGAIN but this time it will be on a record *I* own and photos *I* own and i can do it my way.
so...i'm sitting on that chair like a doll while the other doll stands in front of me with her arm right up my vagina, to put it bluntly. ha! "getting dolled up"
the explanation of it doesn't do the picture justice of what it will be...
but it's truly surreal and hilarious and dark humoured, as much of my stuff is.
and the fact that it's a victorian chair adds even more "screw you" to the victorian sexual repression and delicacy to the photo.
but also because it's a very small chair it's is exactly the right height fo me to sit on it AND have this one specific doll stand in front of me and be able to put her arm into me. ha :)
i know i know i'm weird! but this is an exact science! not just any chair will do! believe me, i have practiced with quite a few chair for this photo! :)

so...i NEED this chair back for my next album. because i am going to be doing a series of surreal sexual dark humoured photos for the booklet which will come with it.
and i feel this chair has come back into my life for this very purpose!

the chair is here:

http://www.steveemma.com/forsale.htm

i find it astounding and synchronicitous (if that a word) that i have found an exact replica of this very chair!
and my heart aches for it!

i sure do hope it was meant to be that i get this chair back!

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Horoscope for Aries (March 13 2005)

It's important that you stay busy today. Get all the odds and ends done around the house or finish a project you've been working on. Don't get into a conflict with someone over trivial matters.

and

Sudden moves
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you are likely to crave emotional excitement, something that departs from the routine of your daily life. You are likely to seek out people who are different from those you usually meet. You might spend the day or evening in very different surroundings. And while you may feel a bit impulsive, these impulses make you feel more alive rather than inclined to act rashly or stupidly. On a more quiet level, you may use this energy to make needed changes in your immediate personal life or your domestic environment. While others may seem startled by your apparently sudden moves, these changes should be constructive, and the people in your life will accept them. If you have to deal with groups of people or with the general public, you will advocate change and new policies.