march 11th , 2005
past anagrams	menu	utb

10:27pm

saaa-weeeeet! *said in my best minnesota accent, doncha know?*

http://www.livejournal.com/users/duckydoo/578999.html

and so my day ends on a very good note coming full circle.

give out some positive vibes and zingity bling bling they come back atcha!

happiness :) and i need more of that :)

*rolls around like a happy kitten high on poptarts*

 

6:20pm

and meat stickers from ducky :)

 

5:43pm

the stranglers and coffee in my ducky doolittle cup!
yessssss :)

5:21pm

jason found the cord to the boombox. yay!
and now i can't find my fall tape! where did i put it?
so i'm playing the stranglers IV instead.

5:06pm

jason doesn't want to go on the treadmill, he wants to do it tomorrow instead.
i wish i wanted to go down there alone, but i hate being there at all, and alone is even worse...
it's still snowing....

4:45pm

cleaning a bit. god, my kitchen is like a nuclear waste dump in there.
it's going to take me quite awhile to clean it. how does it get so bad so fast?
now i'm going to sort of try and vacuum. the vacuum is great but i have to stop it every 5 minutes to take the hair off the rollers by hand or else the roller thing stops moving! such a pain in the ass but i am happy to have a vacuum at all!

listening to suede now, doing a load of laundry, a dishwasher full of dishes, and made a bath.

i thought i was getting my period today, and then again, it stopped.
is it the stress or is this some bizarre pre-menopasaul thing?
whatever that is called...i am still years away from menopause but i guess periods can start getting kind of irregular here and there for a long time till it. it's not like one day you are in menopause just like that. i suppose it's a slow transition thing.
or maybe i am just freaking out that i am turning 39 in a month and i am just stressed and that is whacking out my period.

but i wish i'd just BLEED already, dammit!

 

3:13pm

about all the russians coming to my hat journal:

ah it came from here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/puzovok/171501.html

i put it through the babelfish translator at altavista and it came up with the most hilarious translations to what people were saying about my hats!

"ooooo! the detachment of head, there it has sky already turn from those desiring."

"To the following winter such with hook with the flowers I will connect, blue, white or orange. The fact that is must!!!"

"It is interesting, they do exist as the objects of skill or it them does bear? I will show daughter, if anything is pleased, I will connect with it. Fog, and I thought, you everything know how to make. Binding by hook - this of such of kayf!"

"I could not understand - it is artist? Indeed this only of bishvil' of yofi."

"oh, beauty is what. 4 to bind I do not know how, but to purchase - almost all these caps would purchase perhaps that blue it were not pleased."

"to me these fapochki blow the different fantasies
or this home time..."

"AAAAA!!!!YA in the creative ecstasy! I thank for the reference, prikol'nye cap this is my weakness:) *"

2:42pm

i made an appointment to see my psychiatrist on the 17th at 11:45am.
i have to either pay for a very expensive cab ride to get there or find a ride somehow.
i don't think i've seen him since...3 years maybe?
i'm going to tell him the ordeal with my mom and see if he can then write me a letter to show the judge how i am being emotionally damaged and unable to live a normal productive life because of my momster's continuing harrassment of me.
and this will seal the case against her for sure, and i will get that restraininng order.
she sure is going to be surprsied when she gets that summons to come to court because i don't believe she thinks i'll do it and she will be quite surprised when the law proves to her that what she is doing is against the law.
not that i think even the law will make her see that what she is doing is wrong.
but having the law on my side is a good thing and then if she contacts me again she will be arresseted and that is that!

it sucks tho because to see my shrink it costs me $120!! argh.

maybe i should sue her, too, to get that $120 back.

she should be paying for that not me.

i wish i could make her pay for when my mediaction costed me $900 a month, too, because i was so nervewracked out of my mind because of what she was doing to me and then sue her for all the weight i gained from those medications that really hurt my self esteem and was bad for my business, as well, just because i felt so ugly and whacked out and then wasn't able to do what i do as well i i would have wanted.

ya, i'd like to sue her for $5,000 at elast.

but you know, i will settle just for her to leave me alone or get arressted. that is fine with me.
that'll be swell for her to have that on her permanent record , too, because she is not even an american citizen, and so when she has to reapply for her green card or visa or whatever it is she has to appply for every few years she's going to have to put that down, i'll bet.

but ya, i'm moving forward on this. i am really determined.
i know i can face her in court this time and win this and put this somehow behind me so i can get going with my life again and not have it continually whacked off track by her.

i'm trying to find my walkman that plays cassettes and maybe i can duct tape it to my body while i am cleaning.
ha! i do need one of those mp3 player things that are small that i can get one of those armbands for.

ok, off to make coffee and look for that walkman.

 

 

2:16pm

what a pisser! i brought the boombox that plays cassettes and brought in the fall's "extricate" which is PERFECT for cleaning today. all set to make the coffee and get out the rubber gloves and bleach..and there is no power cord to this boombox so i cannot plug it in! gah.

*screams a small silent scream*

it takes batteries but what KIND?
i can't even find that out. not like i even have any batteries. looks like they take Ds.

2:09pm

i think today is a good day to drink coffee and scour my kitchen from top to bottom!

1:40pm

it's snowing.

1:28pm

1:15pm

things i've written in my crochet journal:

Friday, March 11th, 2005 01:11 pm

the russians are coming! :)
did i get mentioned in some russian lj community or something?
because 10 people from russia just added this journal to their friends list today and i find that really really odd! i mean, sure, i have people from all countries add me all the time here and there. but 10 all from russia all in one day?

if any of the people who added me who are russian could explain this to me, i'd really appreciate it!

is it just a coincidence? if so, it's an awfully strange one! and hello! :)
Current Mood: curious

+++

happy pink cocoons called cherry soda
mine mine miiiine miiiiiiine!
i am a lucky duck!!!! :)

http://www.pluckyfluff.com/cherrysoda.html
http://www.pluckyfluff.com

i don't think i can even make anything out of this!
i will just have to wear it around my neck "as is" because it's so perfect! :)

+++

Thursday, March 10th, 2005 01:45 pm

i just have this gut feeling that i am not going to hear back from the woman who makes the stitch n bitch books about her new book she is making on crochet. i have a feeling my stuff is maybe just too weird for her or something, although i did send a few more normal photos, too.
but...it's just a gut feeling i have. maybe i am wrong. i hope i am wrong. but i really feel that she is not going to write me and include anything i've made in her book. :(

edit:
i think i am just feeling insecure and vulnerable today.
i know it's too soon to start talking this way.
i'm just having a bit of a bad day :/
eep.

 

1:00pm

last night benson3 gave me "stairway to heaven" covered by dolly parton!
who knew? and it's really cool!

for some odd reason, this reminded me of fairport convention and fotheringay.
so i went in search of those last night. and found some.
but i just remembered that i have all those on cassette! even sandy denny's solo albums.
i have them all because i knew someone who worked at the record label they were all being reissued on.
man, i have so many cassettes it's going to be fun seeing what i have.
like lush! and curve and my bloody valentine and david bowie and so much i have...

12:53pm

jason gave me his boombox which uses only cassettes. now i can finally listen to all my cassettes i haven't been able to listen to for years! and i have hundreds! i am going to put it in the thing room so i can listen to music when i am in there.
this makes me happy :)

song playing now: "lucky star" by madonna

11:56am

i had the shittiest sleep ever.
alllll niggghtttt longgggg i dreamed about x boyfriends and trying to extricate myself from them.
it was exhausting!!!
then i would wake up several times in the middle of the night with sleep paralysis and i would see a faceless man looming over me, just inches away from my body and i could be completely convinced that someone had broken into my house and i was now about to be raped and killed but there was nothing i could do about it because i could not scream or move.
and then i would fall back to sleep again back into my nightmares only to wake up again with the sleep paralysis and creepy faceless guy looming over me again an being in complete terror.
i tell you, it was just one of the worst nights i've had in a long time.

that one last going back t my mom's journal before i went to sleep was the worst idea ever. very very very dumb.
but this morning i did it again, just because i couldn't be in a more worse state of anxiety and so nothing she wrote there could make me worse off, it could only make things better of, again, i thought i could suss if she was lying or not about people writing to her to give her support, which i was convinced it was someone in ana2 which made me feel so unsafe and violated. and maybe it is. i really don't know, but either way, i don't care any more at this moment.
but i don't think it is because i've never told any of you her new email. so for that very reason, i don;t think anyone is emailing her.

but i AM glad i went back in there today because i am convinced that the people she said were emailing her (with support and caring for her terrible tragedy that her horrible daughter is putting her through) are fictitious and that she is only saying this as another one of her elaborate lies to get at me, because she knows exactly how to do that in the most vicious of ways as only a mother can know.

and i think she is feeling sad that no one IS emailing her with support and so she is now just making it up as if she is so she doesn't have to look as pathetic as she is looking.
and she has done this before. a LOT.

one reason i know she is lying is she is saying tell "name withheld" that she is ok.

and i know this is the name of one of her other journals she had where she pretended to be those other person named that name. and so the person who she is telling this fictitious person that she is alright also must be fictitious since you can't tell a real person to go tell a fictitious person that you are fine and thanks for caring.

so this is just all another one of her elaborate lies to save face. and she is known for making up people that don't exist all the time and then talking to them in her journal or talking about them in her journal as if they do exist.

ok...

so...i was again duped my her massive powers of deception and manipulation
which caused me to freak the fuck out just when i had thought i was on the track to being ok.

but i have no one else to blame but myself for being so stupid as going back in there to look. i should know by now that everything she writes in there is just a huge elaborate lie meant to fuck with my mind.
i mean DUH.

but yes, i can rest again now knowing these people are fictitious and that, in reality, there are probably no ana2 members who are trying to fuck me over.
i just felt so violated and unsafe. i've already been so violated.
all my bounderies have been so fucked with.
i feel like i am living in a little paper house which isn't even mine but i just rent it.

time to build myself some major psychic walls today.
time to start rebuilding myself again. and working on my resolve to not go in there and look in there again.
it's poison to me. the most poisonous of all poisons.
the most toxic of all toxins.
she knows exactly what to say to make me feel i am going crazy.
her evil knows no bounds, she is the master of poison and lies.

and i don't want to be bit by that snake again.
so no more going near that place.
i know for certain that all it does is fuck me up really really bad.
nothing good can come from me looking in there.
nothing good at all.
going in there and reading it is as stupid as sticking my head in vat of burning acid.

i don't want to go through another horrible night like i did last night.
i get it now. i have stuck my hand into the fire like a child and i have learned each and every time in burns.
and that is that.
lesson learned. got it!
i don't want to hurt anymore and i think i am very very cured of the temptation to stick my head in a vat of burning acid now.

yessirree indeed!

i forgive myself for looking in there because i think it's only natural.
but damn, i REALLY don't want to look in there now.
it's not even like i know i shouldn't look in there, it's that i don't WANT to, which is a big difference.
i rrreeeaaalllyy do not WANT to go there now.

like the monkey in a lab who has gotten shocked by picking the wrong banana too many times, i am now shocked into picking the right banana. zap!!!!

and so again, i pick myself up, and i move ever onward....

i'm rebuilding again, arranging myself back together, cleansing my mind/body/soul from all that negativity and yucky sticky oozing puss filled world of darkness and fear and loathing and viciousness, and i am shaking it off.
it's not my world! i'm raising my vibrations consciously. i am choosing the right banana. i am stepping off that train.
i am tuning out that frequency. changing the station, changing the channel, moving on up!

shake shake shake yer booty!
shake shake shake all that crap off of me!

and that baggage i never claimed!
barnacles, vampires, sticky oozy things, off off off!

the tar is leaving me. i am clear. i see the light and any other little analogy i can make.

but as i type these words this is my way of making my intentions clear and solid to myself and to the universe that i am extricating myself from all of that crap that has been projected upon me and isn't at all mine.

i am light. i am clear. i am SAFE!

i am safe i am safe i am safe i am safe i am safe!!!!!

i am loved! i am safe!
i am loved! i am safe!
i am loved! i am safe!

*DEEEEEEEEEEEP BREEEEEEAAAAAAATH*

it's time to listen to madonna now! haha :)
*i'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me!*

oh, and i FINALLY got my period, i think. thank god!
i thought i was getting it days ago and then it went away.
but i think i finally have it, so yay!
i want to get it over with. i feel like a bloatation device.

+++

Horoscope for Aries (March 11 2005)

Don't get all fired up over something you can do nothing about. Be smart and work on what you know will pay off. Anxiety will only cause you to miss out on something that can manifest into something good.

and

Accept yourself *
Many people feel most vulnerable with regard to their bodies. They mask and work on their bodies because they feel insecure or even ashamed of them. This is not the case for everyone and not a permanent feeling, but a little bit of this is in all of us. Under this influence you need have no fear of being hurt or rejected again. Rather you have the opportunity of recognizing and accepting such old wounds. The love and understanding of your partner can help you, if you are bold enough, to acknowledge and admit to your vulnerability. Trust in the fact that despite your wounds you can still be loved.