march 10th , 2005
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resilient.

 

11:22pm

ok, went one last time to my mom's journal...i am an idiot for doing that.
but i did it to show someone what was happening in hopes they would be able to protect me from her further and so i wanted their opinion on how to go about that as best i can.
but i see now she is not writing to me anymore but to one of YOU, who have obviously written to her because i told you where her journal was and she is now putting her best game face on and trying to explain in her nice bullshit way that she is just such a normal mom and i am the crazy daughter and she is thanking you for writing to her and thanking you for YOUR support.

so, whoever the fuck you are, slimebag who is in here, thanks a lot for trying to make my life more of a living hell than it already is.
but you're not going to succeed. thank your for betraying me, too, and adding more fuel to her fire so that she can try to fuck me up the ass with as hot poker even more than she already has! as if i needed to feel even more violated and unsafe and have no home at all anywhere. i have no safe space. but i'll just make another safe space and i can tell you that YOU won't know about it.

whoever the fuck you are in here, trying to make me feel even MORE unsafe in my ONLY place i can write about this,
i hope you fry in hog grease for the rest of eternity, as you most certainly will for attempting to take away the last place i have.

i can't believe i pour my soul to you here, HERE, my HOME... and YOU , whoever you are, you anonymous coward, and you decide to fuck with me like a little internet play toy and go all buddy buddy with my mom all smugly you fucking piece of SHIT!

and i will get myself out of this bad mood AGAIN, because i was FINALLY fucking making peace with this today and was going to do just ONE last thing to protect myself but noooo, YOU, you whoever the fuck you are in here decide to FUCK WITH ME FURTHER. unbelievable.

well you aren't going to get to me any further other than just this little piece of my journal to tell you to fry in hell.

either that or my mom is just lying about her "feedback" to fuck with me further which with further reflection i realize may be the deal. because she is that desperate and devious.

but just know, i'm NOT going to stop writing in here. this is MY place. this is MY home.

and you will NEVER take that away from me EVER.

and whoever is in here, PERHAPS, betraying me and trying to make my life more hell. YOU LOSE. you are a speck of DUST in my life and nothing more.
because i will not be pounded into submission by a bunch of anonymous cowardly fucktards.

i know who my real friends are.
and i know who i am.
and no game she or you ever play against me is ever going to change that absolute fact.

so have a lot of fun playing in your little pile of dung with my mother, whoever the fuck you are.
its really laughable, because i totally know what you are in for with her and you don't.
have fun with your little joyride at the expense of a piece of your soul. have fun sucking on each other's marrow, if that's your thing. you aren't getting a a piece of ME, i can tell you that right now.

i am ANGRY, to be sure, but that's all i am.
but YOU, the judas, YOU are in for quite the hell ride.
and it's just BEGINNING for you... for ME it is ending. right here and now.
enjoy!

 

9:36pm

my friend kiitos pointed out to me that the symbol in my dream was the hand of fatima! (or hamsa hand for the jewish tradition) and it is!
i wanted to say it had an eye in the middle of it, but i didn't, i guess it was just too much info to convey and i was in a rush just to write down at all.

but yes! it was the hand of fatima that i unearthed in my dream!

http://www.aquafemina.com/hand-of-fatima.html

i WILL wear this, symbolically in my hair as a decoration! ha!

this is exactly what i needed.

thank you universe!!!

AND THANK YOU KIITOS FOR LETTING ME KNOW :)

about the hand of fatima:

"Contrary to some people's initial reaction, this image is not the evil eye. It is a protection from the evil eye. Many cultures throughout the world have long-standing legends about the evil eye and amulets, spells, talismans and other traditions to protect oneself from it.

The evil eye is also called the wandering eye. Usually the bearer of the evil eye does not give someone else the "evil eye" consciously or maliciously. They usually do so out of envy or jealousy. The Hand of Fatima is one of many traditional symbols throughout most of the world to protect oneself from this phenomena. Eyes are often used for protection because they are supposed to deter the person giving the evil eye from focusing on the real object. This eye in the hand is a distraction from the real object. Some animals use something similar as a protection from predators. The "eye" in the feathers of a peacock's plume, for instance, is both a mesmerizing object for the female peacock, as well as a distraction for the predator. Many moths and butterflies have fake "eyes" on their wings to confuse birds and other predators into thinking that they are bigger animals than they are.

Fatima was, according to legend, the Muslim prophet Mohammed's daughter, and was often called upon for protection and compassion. The hand is a healing symbol and healing truth, as many people heal through their hands. The snakes along the fingers and moon and spiral have long been symbols of the Goddess."

more on it:

http://www.luckymojo.com/hamsahand.html

7:49pm

i'm watching survivor. ha :)
as i was on the treadmill and i remembered parts of my dreams last night.
one was i could do all these chin ups effortlessly and everyone was really amazed (and so was i!)

another dream i came across a place where someone had been doing a satanic ritual or something.
i wasn't sure if they people who had been doing it even knew what they were doing, it seemed more like there was just all this cool spooky cool looking stuff there that they had picked because it looked cool and spooky, and they had a fire and had tried to do a spell but more for show than actually knowing what they were doing. like children doing it for kicks.
but they had left behind all this cool stuff that i then was going to claim as mine and sell on ebay.
so i dug through the ashes and dirt and got all the cool bronze statues and things out. washing things off.
as soon as i started to wash these things off and sort them out, other people around me starting taking notice that these WERE things of value, and they started to covet these things.

my favourite thing that i had unearthed was a very very old little sculpture of a woman who was reclining.
it was definitely from the B.C. times and it was so smooth from all the wear it had taken. like a stone from a river.
it was curvaceous and represented goddess worship, i think. or just a celebration of women, in general.
because it was so old i estimated it's worth to be around 20,000 to 100,000.
(in waking reality i'm sure it would have been worth much more)
it was made of stone.
it was my favourite find, and because it was worth the most amount of money, someone stole it from me and i was so fricking upset about this because i felt it would have allowed me to finally be able to afford a house.
but the object i was left with was some sort of bronze thing that was kind of like a hand or a claw and there were these cool symbols all over it, and i couldn't figure exactly what it was, but i thought it could be used as a decorative hair comb.
but i waas really really distraught over my goddess sculpture taken from me and the financial security that also represented to me.

i can see now that was a dream about my mother stealing away my power as a woman and just stability and future success in general. and i think the children who were screwing around trying to take these symbols as use them half assedly as some sort of spooky satanic ritual for show also represents my mother, or at least just the world in general that demonizes women. and it wasn't until i cleaned all these objects off from the soot from their fire and their dirt that people finally realized their actual worth.
because my mother tries to shame me from using and loving my womanhood, which is my gift and the gift of all women since the dawn of time, and she tries to make it into an evil and dirty shameful thing that should be buried, or at the very least could only be of value in a satanic ritual.

but when she sees how powerful i am, she tried to steal my power, because she has none of her own.

what i need to learn from that dream tho is that she only stole a small statue representign that power.
she didn't actually steal MY authentic power. she cannot steal ME.
and i need to make that distinction.
and i'm glad that my dream alerted me to this fact.
i'm glad i remembered it when i was on the treadmill.
i feel really happy that i remembered this dream and that i wrote it down.
because it's really helping me reclaim my true power after all the disempowering bullshit she tried to lay on me today.
ah! yes!!! i reclaim it! (to the sound of some fierce new wave and NOT the indigo girls, i must say).

the hair claw/hand thing reminded me of that symbol you see from india of the hand, i have to google that and try to figure out the meaning of it.

after i was on the treadmill , and i was on it just stomping listening to duran duran's latest, which is still growing on me and is actually very good music for treadmills, and i was sweating and really hot,
i went outside to go to the little store to buy myself cheap 3/2 beer and it was snowing.

and it was kind of the equivilent of being in a sauna and then jumping into a cold pool of water (which i have never done but i imagine that is the equivilent). and the sensation was so deliciously breathtaking as the little pieces of icey snow melted on my steamy body, and it brought me immediately into the NOW in such a brilliant and clear way.
and i was like "ahhhhhhhh, PLANET EARTH! how i do love thee!"
and for a brief few seconds i felt complete relief from all my anger, as i had been on that treadmill trying to psyche myself up to see my mother in court and, i was swearing and glaring at her in my mind, and that'd not be good because i don't think i can swear in court. but i was psyching myself up for it, in my mind, trying to be strong and not cry or break down or just start screaming obscenities at my mother....

but i walked outside and BOOM...ice crystals (i need to reclaim the word crystal since that is her name, ironically. gah. and her new email name for herself is "crystal clear" BARF!!!) REAL AUTHENTIC CRYSTAL CLEAR ICE CRYSTALS zapping onto my skin and the cold oxygeny air filling my lungs....GORGEOUS!

i was zapped into the NOW, i was completely free from all pain and anger.

god, i just want to hold on to that feeling forever!

i am holding those few seconds with all the love i can muster and bringing it into my heart.
and then the sweet man at the little store, who i think is japanese and always has has the sweetest thngs to say to me, says how he loves my eyebrows being red dots and how i am a true artist, and how sweet is that?

and THEN i got an email from a person who was irritating me in photocontest by not reading the rules and they profusely apologized to me in a genuine and sweet way over not reading the rules. if only EVERYONE could be that gracious!

ah god, it feels good t be treated with kindness and respect :)

and thank you mphand for your post under the bed!
thank you for offering me your support.
and recognizing the truth.
it means a lot to me and it helps me. thank you!

4:56pm

i'm really having a hard time today.
i have so much anger but no whrere to channel it and so i am just shaking all over.
i want to go down to the treadmill but i can't stop crying and i don't really want to be crying on the treadmill in front of everyone.
i'm so upset that my mom has the power to fuck with me like this. just hours of my life ticking by.
hours i will never get back.
i am in so much pain.
her level of evil devious manipulation knows no bounds. she's such a master at it. disempowering me and then calling me little pet names.
it makes me sick.
writing me emails and saying ya my uncle IS perverted and everyone knows that in the family yet publically saying that i am just WEIRD for being creeped out by him.
she knows exactly what to say to make me feel the most powerless.
telling me i'm pretty when i am screaming in pain.
then calling me sweet little names while knifing me.

this picture:
http://www.ana2.com/private/anagram2005/anagram030905/9978.jpg

saying she paid for that filling. can you believe that?
THAT is what she sees when she sees me screaming in pain.
she thinks i'm pretty and reminds me that she paid for that filling.

and then says all this creepy seriously creepy talk about don't cry baby little mama will take of you when she's the one hurting me! calling me manic and bipolar and saying i shouldn't get so angry or it'll be bad for my business. saying i get mad too easily.
saying no one has done anything wrong to me. she just wanted to give me some money.
she keeps talking to me in baby talk while disempowering me. talking about when i was a baby over and over and how soft i was.

i feel like i am in some sort of horror movie. and it doesn't help to know that my mom used to sing me the theme song to rosemary's baby as a bedtime song when i was little.
it's like some terrible psycho movie where the mother kills the little baby and then rocks it back and forth and says "hush hush little baby little mama will take care of you now", while it sits dead and rotting in her arms.

that is how i feel.

i feel like she is slowly just trying to kill me and suffocate me and then when i'm dead and silent she can be happy again and stick me in a crib or something.

i'm just so fucking creeped out. i really don't have language to even describe what this feels like to me.

here is her journal just so you can see what freak she is:

(deleted)

and she still harrasses these people and this community, too:
(deleted)
and she always says people are harrassing HER, but has no proof to back it up EVER.
the woman who runs that community had already banned my mom from that community and her lj, but my mom just keeps harrassing her further when my mom makes new journals to get back in.

and my mom says about her leaving lj good this time (the umpteenth time she's said that)
"Yep. I would have to have the queen of England get down on her knees and plead for me to come back, and that's not going to happen, so tootleloo. ps. And I doubt I would come back even if the queen asked."

then she made another journal 3 days after she posted that!
haha!

 

ok, i've stopped crying now and caught my breath. i think i can go down to the treadmill now. it helps me to walk this off.

benson3 just wrote this in his journal (we are both aries to when he posts any horoscope thign i can apply it to me, too. and it was good to hear this right now). thanks benson!

"You have gone though a dark night of the soul as your imagination has led you into many places where you've never been. Now, however, it's about to change, although you may not see the results of your current actions until later in the month. Above all, trust your emotions today, for they are grounded in your personal truth. "

 

2:00pm

i know i shouldn't look. *sigh*

but my mom now is now writing stream of consciousness poetry exactly like mine.
god.
i feel like i'm living in the movie "single white female".

1:30pm

 

Horoscope for Aries (March 10 2005)

Respect your surroundings and nurture what you have. It's time to take heed of the advice offered by the people closest to you. An older relative will need your help.

and

A break from the norm
For the duration of the day you may be driven to look for exciting and stimulating activities and experiences. The ordinary experiences within relationships will not satisfy you. Unresolved tensions in a love relationship may cause sudden upsets as one of you seeks freedom from the restrictions and tensions. Another person may provide the occasion for a flirtation that unsettles your relationship. However, unless the tensions are severe, it is unlikely that you will suffer any permanent damage. Whatever you do today for fun will be intended to provide a break from the norm. Therefore, look for something exciting, meet new people and have new adventures. These will be upsetting only if you are afraid of and resistant to new experiences.

Helpful words
This influence is experienced in different ways. Perhaps you are very bad-tempered at the moment, and overreact to the least sign of what you interpret to be criticism or rejection. Thus misunderstandings can quickly develop, and instead of trying to clear them up, you withdraw hurt and perhaps a bit sorry for yourself. If you can, however, estimate how much of this situation is the result of your own anxious expectations, this quality of time will help you to be empathic and understanding towards others. Then you will also find helpful words for everyone who is in a similar mood to you. Poetic and romantic music have a pronounced effect on you at this time.


Transit selected for today (by user):
Moon Conjunction Chiron exact at 10:17
activity period from 10 March 2005 to 11 March 2005.
=========

Your negative side
Weak, transient effect: Today during the day you are inclined to keep your feelings and innermost thoughts to yourself. A sense of loneliness or isolation frequently accompanies this period of time, or depression and a general sense of pessimism. Domestic problems may also accompany this influence, usually because you feel that in some way your domestic life is not giving you what it should. This is part of a larger feeling that you are not getting support or assistance from anyone or anything, which may or may not be true. Your real problem is either that you are cut off from your emotions or that your emotions are too unpleasant to deal with. This influence may force you to briefly experience what you consider to be your negative side. Thus there is a strong conflict between what you think of yourself and what you think you should be.


Transit selected for today (by user):
Moon Conjunction Saturn exact at 10:49
activity period from 10 March 2005 to 11 March 2005.
=========

The loftier side
Weak, transient effect: This is usually a very positive influence, making you feel very benevolent and generous toward those around you. Today during the day your spirit is inclined toward contemplation of the loftier aspects of life. You are not concerned with the nasty little details that make life less than it should be, although you are aware of them. But you simply cannot see any point in paying any attention to them. Emotionally you feel quite good, for this influence promotes optimism and positive thinking. At times this influence indicates self- righteousness and smug arrogance, as if you considered yourself as the embodiment of social truth and wisdom. This attitude may not be entirely conscious on your part, but it may be subtly evident in your phrasing or in an unspoken attitude toward others.


Transit selected for today (by user):
Moon Square Jupiter exact at 14:59
activity period from 10 March 2005 to 11 March 2005.
=========

"Thinking small"
Weak, transient effect: Tonight your rational and logical mind is going to be strongly influenced by your moods, which could be either positive or negative, depending on other factors. For this reason it is not the best time to make a decision. But it is a good time to gather information that you can later base a decision on, especially information on how you really feel about some matter. This is a good time to talk about your feelings. At other times you may find it difficult to express your emotions, but under this influence it should be relatively easy. Communications with women are usually very good now. Moods in general change very rapidly at this time, but it is not possible to specify the kinds of changes. This influence has no particular "good" or "bad" effect upon the emotions.


Transit selected for today (by user):
Moon Conjunction Mercury exact at 21:27
activity period from 10 March 2005 to 11 March 2005.

=========
Truly selfless
Weak, transient effect: This influence will bring forth your innermost subconscious fantasies. This morning you may spend considerable time daydreaming and not accomplish very much, but you will probably feel that it has been worth it. Dreams can be very refreshing to the spirit. At times we all need to withdraw a bit from the real world and encounter our inner selves. Now you have great sympathy for others. You are able to put yourself in their place and know exactly how you would feel in such a situation. You want to help others, with little thought of any benefit to yourself. This is one of those influences that makes you truly selfless, not merely in appearance. You may work to help people whom you consider less fortunate than yourself. There is often a strong interest in psychic or spiritual subjects under this influence.


Transit selected for today (by user):
Moon Trine Neptune exact at 05:43
active only on 10 March 2005.
=========
Just bored
At this time you may feel a strong urge to get away from the daily routine and go off somewhere, and you may not be entirely conscious of the reasons behind this drive. It is a mood, a restlessness that is hard to pin down. But there is more than one way to get away; for example it can be done in the mind as well as in the physical world. Travel may be beneficial as long as the break from your routine isn't too radical You are not really interested in getting totally away from it all, you are just bored with your everyday life. Study or mental journeys may be more useful, because you can remain in familiar surroundings supported by the comforts of your normal world. Yet at the same time you can expose yourself to ideas and concepts that are both revolutionary and liberating. Thus you can have some of the excitement that you crave.


Transit selected for today (by user):
Moon in the 9th House 9 exact at 08:35
activity period from 10 March 2005 to 12 March 2005.

=====

important long-term influences:

"The forces at work" (Pluto Square Saturn)
"For the common good" (Pluto Trine Med.Coeli)
"Expressing rage" (Pluto Square Chiron)

The forces at work ***
Valid during many months: During this time you will have to withstand severe challenges to your way of life as it is set up now. As we grow up, we structure our lives to a certain degree, and we come to depend upon this structure for predictability and order. Sometimes, however, the structure is repressive rather than expressive of our true selves. But if it is safe, we tend to keep it regardless of whether we are happy with it. Nevertheless, at some point in our lives the internal energies of this arrangement of our world must evolve or be totally destroyed. Now is such a time in your life. You must adapt to the forces at work during this period for your own sake! You may feel like the victim of some massive external force beyond your control that is forcing you to move, but actually the dynamics for change are inherent in your own life structure.
During this time some circumstance or situation will create forces that seem to push against you. You may feel very pressured to do something that you don't want to do at all, and you will probably put up tremendous resistance. If your life structure is a valid expression of who you are, your efforts to resist will probably be successful. Otherwise you will be forced to change. In either case this period will be characterized by enormous expenditure of energy. If you handle it successfully, you will be able to strive forward and reach new heights as an individual.

As this influence begins, you may find that certain resources ­ financial, material or otherwise ­ are no longer available and that you are forced more and more to fall back upon your own devices. This is part of the test of this time. It is not usually a good time to expand your operations in any field of activity, especially business. Nor is it a good time to spend your energies making everything around you as solid and safe as possible. The best course, which you will be least inclined to take, is to openly and honestly examine all aspects of your life and voluntarily give up whatever you don't really need ­ those things that make you feel secure but do not aid your personal evolution.

Transit selected for today (by user):
Pluto Square Saturn
activity period from end of January 2005 until middle of November 2006.
=========

For the common good ***
Valid during many months: During this time gradual changes will take place in your life that will make you more aware of the external and internal forces that make your life move in certain directions. You will gain great psychological insight into yourself and others at this time, and you will go below surface appearances to seek out the fundamental elements of any issue.
This is also a time when you may gain power over others in some way, either in your personal or your professional life. You may be given the authority to direct a project or a group of people working together. However, you should be aware that you are acting as an agent of forces that transcend your own individuality, and that everything you do must be for the common good, or it will be to no avail.

Sometimes the power can take a form that has nothing to do with authority. It may be that your own personality becomes powerful from within, making you a person of moral influence. Without even being aware of the process yourself, you speak with wisdom and others heed what you say. People may be drawn to you, fascinated by your energy and power. Of course this confers the greatest possible responsibility upon you, because you can misuse this power, but the consequences for you would not be good!

Under this influence you may choose to undergo psychotherapy or work with other mind- expanding disciplines in order to increase your self-understanding. In your professional life you may feel that you have a very significant task to perform at this time, one that is far more important than your usual work. You feel that your work could transform the whole nature of your career, not only for yourself but for others in the same field. You have a much greater sense of purpose in your work than usual. If you take the time to communicate this in detail to others, you can be really effective. But if you assume that your insight is obvious and that everyone else sees what you see, you will become isolated from those who could help, and therefore you will be ineffective.

Transit selected for today (by user):
Pluto Trine Med.Coeli
activity period from end of January 2005 until end of November 2006.
========
Expressing rage ***
Valid during many months: This critical influence could awaken considerably conflicting emotions within you. You might have an increasing urge to finally tell someone straight to their face what you think of them, while at the same time being ashamed of having such hurtful and spiteful feelings. Others will possibly have difficulty coping with you at the present time, so that you are more reliant than usual on their patience and understanding. The best thing you can do now is to be compassionate with yourself. Your inner unrest is an unmistakable sign that something is coming to light which has long been causing havoc in the depths of your unconscious. Most people bury the emotional pain resulting from rejection, embarrassment or experiences of ridicule and abandonment deep within their psyche, without ever venting the rage and hate which accompany it.
Problems with colleagues or rows within the family could trigger powerful emotions which no longer stand in relation to the outer events. If you now have to cope more often with feelings of rage and aggression, this is probably because you are stronger and more able to deal with such emotions and the reactions they cause in others. Just admit to having such unpleasant feelings! Only then will you become increasingly able to react to situations in a more appropriate way, and not to punish people for things which they are not responsible for. Rage is a completely natural emotion which protects us, often arising in situations in which we suffer injustice. If your upbringing has made you incapable of expressing such feelings, you will continue to feel helpless, used, guilty and at the mercy of others, denying yourself the chance to fight back.

Transit selected for today (by user):
Pluto Square Chiron
activity period from middle of January 2005 until beginning of November 2006.