march 9th , 2005
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9:40pm

one last thing before i go to bed that i need to write down.
i am going to work on not getting so down on myself for being so affected by my mom.
i don't want to get down on myself about that anymore.
of course, i am affected by it intensely.
she's my mother. it's such a huge violation and betrayal.
of course when she does what she does to me i am going to get very upset.
this is a natural reaction and not something i should feel is a weakness in me.
i keep thinking i need thicker skin. people tell me "just ignore it"
i can't. i keep thinking this will get better with time.
maybe it will someday, but not now.
this is the way i am. this is a normal healthy reacttion on my part.
i'm not superhuman. i can't block this all out and ignore it and pretend it is not there. i'm just going to live with this like a person who has constant chronic physical pain.
it is something that can be managed, but i cannot just make it go away. i cannot kill the part in me that is affected by this without killing off a huge part of who i am.
i am just going to allow myself to feel hurt and angry about this without
making myself feel i am somehow a weak person on top of all that.
i am not a weak person.
i forgive myself for feeling what i feel. i am going to just allow it to be and not struggle against it anymore.
maybe if i stop struggling against my feelings, maybe i can feel a tiny bit of relief, at least at that small level.
i don't know...

it's ok what i am feeling. i am not bad or weak for feeling the feelings i feel.
i forgive myself for not being made of steel.

just writing that was a bit of a release and now i am crying.
i forgive myself for being affected by this.
i forgive myself. i need to remind myself of this hourly.
i'm going to just let the pain of this exist without me struggling to silence it and feeling ashamed and weak for how deeply i am affected and how deeply i feel.

this is so hard.
this is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through.
but as i say "now/here to go but through".

i am not going to wallow in my pain or embrace it.
i am just going to let it be there, tho.
i will let it just be without judging it or fighting it.

the path of least resistance.

9:11pm

i'm going to bed now! i know...shocker!
going to bed 8 hours than i usually do, but i am EXHAUSTED!
i went on the treadmill for an hour today.
that felt good :)

4:10pm

all paid up on my server bill and telephone!
now i just have the electric bill left and i think i have enough for that, too :)

yay :)

jason wants to go on the treadmill at 4:30pm, and i want to, too.
but i keep having to run to the bathroom because my stomache is upset :/
argh.

 

3:21pm

i just feel blanked out. i don't feel well at all.
i just want to cocoon in my bed.
i want to sleep for days.
i have no motivation today to do anything.

1:32pm

my mom made yet ANOTHER new email so she can get past my filters.
and she let me know she now has yet ANOTHER new LJ.
in it she tells me to quit whining and cash the cheque. can u believe that?
along with a bunch of bizarre poetry that makes no sense and is quite scary.
now i know she must be in here or have someone in here who is telling her what i write in here.
i don't know, i feel so unsafe. i feel so violated.
i don't get a moment's rest.
i need to xerox that letter today and then return to sender.
i feel so violated and so fucking sick.

i'm not going to stop writing in here, tho.
she can't take this away from me.
i'm not going to let her do that.

her poetry is CREEPY!
just everything about that journal is creepy.
i think she is really losing it even more now.
i think she is going off the deep end big time.

1:03pm

ok, all the links should work in these now.

Horoscope for Aries (March 9 2005)

You may be a little anxious to get things out of the way, but patience will pay off in the long run. You need to know what's going on behind your back in order to make the right decisions. Security and stability should be what you strive for.

and

The forces at work ***
Valid during many months: During this time you will have to withstand severe challenges to your way of life as it is set up now. As we grow up, we structure our lives to a certain degree, and we come to depend upon this structure for predictability and order. Sometimes, however, the structure is repressive rather than expressive of our true selves. But if it is safe, we tend to keep it regardless of whether we are happy with it. Nevertheless, at some point in our lives the internal energies of this arrangement of our world must evolve or be totally destroyed. Now is such a time in your life. You must adapt to the forces at work during this period for your own sake! You may feel like the victim of some massive external force beyond your control that is forcing you to move, but actually the dynamics for change are inherent in your own life structure.
During this time some circumstance or situation will create forces that seem to push against you. You may feel very pressured to do something that you don't want to do at all, and you will probably put up tremendous resistance. If your life structure is a valid expression of who you are, your efforts to resist will probably be successful. Otherwise you will be forced to change. In either case this period will be characterized by enormous expenditure of energy. If you handle it successfully, you will be able to strive forward and reach new heights as an individual.

As this influence begins, you may find that certain resources ­ financial, material or otherwise ­ are no longer available and that you are forced more and more to fall back upon your own devices. This is part of the test of this time. It is not usually a good time to expand your operations in any field of activity, especially business. Nor is it a good time to spend your energies making everything around you as solid and safe as possible. The best course, which you will be least inclined to take, is to openly and honestly examine all aspects of your life and voluntarily give up whatever you don't really need ­ those things that make you feel secure but do not aid your personal evolution.