march 8th , 2005
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10:45pm

i went to eat uptown with jason and 2 of jason's friends.
i can't go into the details even tho i want to because i don't have the energy but it was very invigorating.
i am full of fire.
i shaved off my eyebrows (as i have a tendency to do now an then) and drew on RED eyebrows to match my hair!
it kicks ass.

i just stuck some forks into 2 avocado seeds and stuck them ina cup of water to see if they would sprout. i hope they do!

i am FILLED with energy!

i didn't go down today and wait for the postman to come to retrieve the letter my mom wrote to me that i wrote return to sender.
instead i taped a note to the mailman explaining that he should put the letter back in my mailbox because that was a mistake ( i mean to xerox it 1st!)
just now i retrieved it. the mailman saw my note and did what i asked.
it was unnerving (there really are no words for it) to hold that letter in my hand at ALL. knowing my mom had touched it.
it send shivers down my spine and sorrow beyond compare.
i'd never steamed open a letter before but this time i was compelled.
curiousity killed the cat, my epitaph.
it wasn't letter but a cheque for $200.00

i don't know what would be worse, a letter or a fucking cheque, but at this moment i would say a fucking cheque as i feel she is trying to buy me off and see how desperate i am.

anyway now i know. i'll xerox that off and return to sender.

motherfucker.

as if she can buy my trust or buy my ANYTHING for $200.
so insulting.
but i'm glad it contained no words because her words are far more damaging to me.

but it was feb 28th i wrote her that email telling me not to ever contact me again (for the billionth time it feels) and it was march 5th she sent the letter with a cheque for $200.00

should i send it back to her or keep it for evidence?

i think send it back, i can photo copy it.

also, i am going to make an apppointiment to see my psychiatrist who i have not seen in quite a few years, but i've been seeing him on and off since i was 20.
and i know i can get a written statement from him as to how he has seen my mother emotionally damage me.
i think that will make my court case all the stronger.

i will call him tomorrow, even tho it cost me $120 bucks to see him every time.
and i can't afford it.
but i have no other choice.
i have to prove to the judge that my mother is affecting my work and life.

actually there are a couple professionals in here who could write a letter on my behalf, perhaps, for the judge, and if you read this and you feel up to it, please let me know.
i know that any letter written on the behalf of a professional as to how she has affected my life, ability to work, create, be productive...this will help strengthen my position in getting a restraining order on her.

in your professional opinion, you have seen me completely wrecked.
please help me write a letter if you so choose.

i'm really going to do this.
i feel really up to it, this time.
i can do it.
anything you can add to provide with a case, i will present to the judge.
you have seen this all unfold. i withheld nothing from you.
those of you who have been with me for years have seen this.

so, there you have it.

i feel strong.
i have resolve.
but i am still fragile , too.

4:54pm

4:28pm

11:30am

 

11:05am

do something nonsensical today.

 

12:40am

my shallow post the AI community (ha :):

am i the only one on earth who thinks anthony is just awful, bland, and boring and totally full of himself?
maybe i am....i just want him voted off so badly! i just can't bare to watch him. he makes me grind my teeth almost. he thinks he is "the cat's meow" just as much as constantine does. he is just more "coy".
i hate coy.

that being said, i think the men are way more talented this year than the women are.
which surprises me. but there aren't any women who rock my socks this year so far.
there was MAYBE aloha, but then she was voted off.

i'm not a big fan of bo's type of music, and i think tonight wasn't his strongest performance, but i really i think, imo, in the end it might be between mario and bo. or anwar. i'm not as blown away by anwar as most people are, but i think he could win. he has still yet to win me over. he's GOOD, don't get me wrong, but he doesn't give me goosebumps (which is like my own personal sign when something connects with me)

i don't know, i'm not really "rooting" for people as intensely as i was last season's american idol, where i was completely sucked in.
(fantasia fan, for the record)
but the contestants still have time to work on their skills.

i wish i could like constantine. i WANT to like him, for some odd reason! (and such a great name!)
but...he is really not that great a singer, comparatively, and i wish he'd stop being SO in love with himself.
it's a little over the top, for me, with the "i'm so sexy" thing. he seems like he'd be a fun person to have a beer with.

but god, i guess i am just so tired of the r&b stevie wonder vocal gymnastics and arpeggios, i want a different style to win this year. even if that style isn't original either. if that makes any sense. which it doesn't. but hey...

this is actually my 1st post to a lj community about AI, after all these years.

so hi!

:) ha :)

+++

a martha stewart reinactment

so inside edition is on my tv because i was simply too involved with putting up new photos in ana2 to switch the channel.
and deborah norville, who is one of the hosts, is going through the ordeal (ankle bracelet and all for *gasp* 24 full hours!) the house arrest of martha stewart to show the world what martha might be going through! as if we CARE!

seriously.

get this: she reports that cooking goes by normally (thank god!!!) , but when you put lotion on your leg you are reminded of the ankle bracelet!
OH THE TORTURE!!!

i can't believe i am seeing this for real and it's not some saturday nite live skit!

horoscope:

Horoscope for Aries (March 8 2005)

You can charm anyone into seeing things your way as long as you don't use aggression or let your temper flare. Staying calm will be the key and will also portray you as being responsible.

Altered goals
During this time the demands of the ego are not very great, and you are able to see the world around you with greater sensitivity. Also you are more perceptive to the needs of your friends and neighbors and more inclined to help them. Your greatest fulfillment will come through activities that benefit others. You will enjoy being involved in group activities for charity. The insights you gain under this influence may very well alter your goals. You may learn that a course of action that you have been following has served no real purpose at all, even in terms of ego-gratification. With this insight you can adopt a more enlightened course of action that may also be spiritually superior. Your physical energy is likely to be rather low during this transit. This is a good time to relax.

spam poetry:

do not suddenly stop using it without first checking with your moisture

in pure water; such soft colouring of red earthenware and creamy surfaces, brown wood and polished tin, greyher spinning till milking time. But this blameless conduct, according to Mrs. Poyser, shrouded a secret indulgencehis chosen suit for great occasions; for he had the mysterious secret of never wearing a new-looking coat. Thiscould read anything right off, whether it was print or writing, and Tom had sent him a letter from twenty milesto save to the uttermost, and rescue this lost one. She is clothed round with thick darkness. The fetters ofwas right—this was the field where she had seen the hovel, for it was the field where the sheep were. Rightlooking round at the damp temple of cleanliness, but keeping near the door. Im sure I should like my breakfaston than his; that whatever he undertakes to do, he does well, and is as careful for the interests of those whohard labour about them, anxiously bending over the worn books and painfully making out, The grass! is green,and got into trouble, but if she was going to her friends, it would be a good work to keep her out of furtherhe must be far on the way to forty. Sara was quite certain her uncle wanted her to encourage Bill, and wouldHe could not follow the figures, but he was aware that they were in some way a cause for satisfaction. He hadsaid between me and Sara then, though Id loved her for a long while, and she knew it. But I reproached him withand went back, checked by the thought that it would be better to leave everything till tomorrow. As long asconscious of being a great physiognomist. Nature, he knows, has a language of her own, which she uses with stricthard labour about them, anxiously bending over the worn books and painfully making out, The grass is green,heart is drawn out towards them, and I feel their lot as if it was my own, and I take comfort in spreading itstretching before him, blest with the right to call Sara his own: he could be content with very little at! present.venture to interrupt him. Moreover, she had always a better d inner than usual to prepare for her sons—very frequently
you how the spinning CD looks through this little window here!these words said to her brood, It is time now to be off, my