march 7th , 2005

11:03pm

U2 tickets
they are coming here september 23rd at the target center!
at the target center website it says go to to u2 website to get the presale tickets.
at the u2 site it says no presale tickets will be given to any new subscribers.
and their concerts are selling out within hours.
i am so bummed.
i fucking hate this presale shit. and that i have to pay 40 bucks a year to join u2's site in order to get any presale opportunity (which is not even an opportunity anymore)
fuck. so if i'm really really lucky i MIGHT get some shitty seats for 50 bucks.
which i will take. because i love U2. even if their latest cd is kind if blah.
hey are still one of the greatest live bands i have ever seen.
fucking a, if i don't get a ticket i am going to be soooo sad.

8:39pm

some of my fave icons i found on deviant art:



6:42pm

i could spend the next year of my life looking at everything here:

http://drahomira.deviantart.com/

and here

http://katharien.deviantart.com/

6:08pm

i walked for an hour and 1/2 today. that's pretty good.
it helped me get some of my anger out.
i feel a bit more calm. a bit.

"anger is energy anger is an energy anger is an energy"
---PiL

i kind fo feel like working on this collage painting thing i've wanted to make for a few years.
that big huge silver canvas i have, i want to "gel medium" (acrylic paint that is clear) all these colour xeroxes of polaroids i took onto it. and then paint something on top of that.

3:59pm

before i left to go to the bank i checked my mail and there was a letter from my mother.
god.
of course i wrote "return to sender" on it and put it in the mailbox.
i was so angry i was not thinking i should have photocopied it before i put it in there for documentation that she is still harrassing me.
so now i have to go downstairs at 8am and wait for the mailman to come so i can get it out of there.
he could arrive anywhere between 8am and 1pm.
i'll just go down there and crochet. stupid me.
but i was just so pissed i wasn't thinking.
but i will get it out of there and xerox the front of it so i have further proof of her continuing harrassment.

i was already feeling fierce today, and after that i just boomed down the sidewalk towards the bank in my bed red boots so fiercely that not even the usual black and chicano guys and beer bellied construction workers even LOOKED at me. they all put their heads down. except just ONE on the way back home who had to say "what's up, hair?"
and i only heard that because it was between songs on my walkman.
was listening to duran duran. and i have to say their newest cd is growing on me a bit.
it's a lot better in headphones.

jason will be home in 1/2 an hour but i don't know if i can go on the treadmill because i think i gave my toe a blister from walking so fast. maybe it'll be ok with tennis shoes on.

i'm so so so so so so so sick of being angry at my mother.
i can't wait to take her to court and get a restraining order on her so i can live my life in peace.
i have to find the drivers to my printer so i can print out all the documentation i have made.

but fucking a, i just don't have time to do that sort of shit. i still need to sell stuff and get my taxes done.
fuckity fuck fuck she just sucks hours and days of my life out of me.
i hate her so much.
i can't wait until i have a restraining order on her.

i need to find a lawyer to write a letter to her certified mail that says very legally and specifically that is she contacts me in any way whasoever i will file a restraining order on her.
that is the next thing i will do.
not that i haven't been utterly specific and she knows damn straight i don't want conatct with her.
but to hear it from a lawyer, certified mail will make it all that more real to her. or maybe not.
i don't even care. she lives in unreality and so that will probably not even phase her.
but it will cover my ass more and that is my intention to send it.
to make everything i am going to do and say and court stand extremely firm.

 

2:16pm

goodbye to alice, my 2nd mannequin i ever owned!
i like the guy that bought her. he seemed nice.
she is going to go into his office :)
new adventures for alice!

ok, now i am off to the bank!
glad to get all this walking in.
i wish i'd lose some weight already! bah.
i went 2 days without drinking coke, but then yesterday i had 3 (only 1 with sugar).
but...i still eat about 1,800 to 2,000 calories a day, which is normal.
and i don't really feel like eating any less.
this week jason and i step up out treadmill walking to 35 minutes instead of 30.
but i'll get a lot more walking in today since i'm going to the bank now.

yesterday was 55 degrees and i missed it! aaa!
today it's back to being 30 degrees.

i yelled at a senator today.
he writes to me throughout the years here and there saying he will show me the senate or have coffee with me.
this intrigued me because i think it would be interesting to meet someone who is the very opposite of me.
and old white man republican senator.
i'd like to hear some stories. i live for stories.
but then he never follows through and basically i think he just says that to dangle some carrot in front of me so he can amuse himself and watch me like a bug from afar. at least that is the way he is making me feel now after these many years.
he wrote me today and asked me what my goals in life were and where i planned on heading in my future.
and told me i was beautiful for the umpteenth time. well, i am more than just pretty. and flatter will get you to a certain point, but then after that it's like ya ya...AND i have a MIND? hello?
and i told him that he really has some sense of entitlement thinking i am going to take time out of my busy day to explain to him all my life's goals and plans for the future when he gives me nothing back in return. zip. nada.
i said i have better things to do with my time and i'm not just some bug for him to be amused by.
i told him he was acting like a typical senator who feels entitled and that was disappointing to me.
i think he just another confused man. whatever. *yawn*
i'm over it.

oh...just got another email back from him which was nice and apologetic.
ok, i forgive him. that was quick. ha :)
i am fiery and fierce today.. i have to be to survive.
if someone at least just tells me they are sorry then i am quick to forgive, usually. he is just kind of clueless when it comes to the internet.
and so much is lost during email transactions. it can all appear so cold. still, i'm NOT going to write him a huge letter explaining my life's goals to him.
if he wants to know that, he can join ana2. so there!

ok, off to the bank i go and i hope to god it's enough to finally be able to pay all my bills.
and maybe even buy some food.

but i still need to put more stuff up for sale.
i gotta keep going, i have to make rent for NEXT month.
and la de da and on and on it goes.

and someone wants a $75 refund from me because i didn't unsub them when they emailed me. but i never received that email, i swear to GOD. god, i hate email! it just fucks with my life.
it just kills me and breaks me that i am sitting her busting my balls trying to make money just to pay long overdue bills and now someone wants a $75 refund that i just cannot afford to give them. it breaks me. it kills me.
i begged them to please please please let me send them $75 worth of my art instead. i really hope they take me up on that offer because otherwise i am so fucked. this is so stressful.

i'm just trying to keep it together today.

ok...onward i go....

 

11:42am

today another person is going to pick up another mannequin. the one named alice which is handpainted by me.
i enver thought in a million years i would ever let her go.
it would have been an unfathomable concept to me just a few years ago.
but i guess things do change.
and i hope she will have new adventures with her new owner.
actually i don't like to think that i own my stuff as much as i am the temporary caretaker of them.
liberace said the same thing about his treasures.
it's true we are temprary caretakers and don't really own anything.
maybe we won our own thoughts and memories and that is all, and i'm not even sure about that.
since memory is fleeting and thoughts can be read.

i had a dream that i was in this house that i was going to get to live in.
it had a big tree in the front yard that we could have a swing from.
although it was too near the ocean and when the tide would come in the water would come right up to the front step.

in the back was an old stable. there were little dead foals everywhere , flattened and decaying in the grass.
my 1st thought was i need to photograph them before i cleared them away.
i had a very cranky neighbour who introduced himself to me as james.
he really hated the thoght of having neighbours and i just wanted to ask him where the land lines where so i knew what was mne and what was his so i wouldn't bother him.
when i asked him if the stable was mine and he could see how much i wanted it, he got a little twinkle in his eye and said "yes, that is yours"
and i was SO excited. the stable had almost like a huge open porch on it and i saw all these very old brooms lined up on it and i could wait to get to sweeping off all the hay from the floorboards.
i knew that this was going to be my favourite place/clubjouse, and i was going to restore it and it was going to be so peaceful.
and the hosue had such wonderful views of oceans and hills, but it took me a long time to notice that since all the curtains were drawn shut and all the curtains were so ugly.
i couldn't wait to get to work on this house and make it beautiful.
and i wanted to create a barrier in the front yard so that the tide could not get to the house.
the only place i didn't look at was the basement, i opened the door to it, and a huge cold draft wafted up. it looked very scary. but i was looking forward to exploring it later and making it less scary.

there were a lot of people around me this whole time, i'm not really sure who they were but we had a potluck dinner. and this one women was eating candied fruit and another was swinging from a tree swing she had made from scarves.

somewhere in this dream or before this dream was stuff about my mom and dad, abut i can't remember any of that.

+++

well, off i go to my day.
i think i will tell the guy to come at 2pm to pick up the mannequin.
then this will stil give me time to walk to the bank afterwards and deposit all this money i've been getting so that i can pay some of my bills.
so i have a full day ahead of me and also i am just starting to get my period.

song stuck in head "what you waiting for?" by gwen stefani

tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...

i feel on the verge of new phase of my life.
i look forward to getting rid of 1/2 of my stuff so i can have room in here to create more art and dance and set up little "scenes" to take photos in.
making room for new energy, new ideas.
making room for new space, breathing room, new peace.

 

11:25am

Horoscope for Aries (March 7 2005)

You may be all wound up over the little things going on in your life. The more you simplify your life, the better. Start to plan for your future by getting your finances in order.

and

General Daily Overview
Today, the Earth passes directly between Mars, the God of War, and ringed Saturn, the Lord of Karma. We've been feeling this buildup for a few days as we try to find balance between the opposing forces. With energetic Mars standing off from cold Saturn, we push forward only to bump into walls. Circumstances won't even allow us to retreat. Now we reach a critical mass and push through or fall back. But with the Moon in Aquarius, conjuncting visionary Neptune, our imagination comes to the rescue, laying down the tracks for reality to follow.

and

On all levels
Valid during several weeks: This is the best possible time to express your feelings and emotions, but it is not so favorable for reasoned logical communication. You may be quite capable of reasoning well under this influence, but pure reason and logic alone cannot communicate all that you want to express. During this time you have to communicate on all levels, not just with your mind. On the other hand, if you are in a reasonably tranquil state of mind now, you will be a much better listener than usual. Your mind is receptive to the point that you receive not only words but also another person's moods and feelings. You can listen very sympathetically, because you can literally feel with the other person. This influence favors discussion with anyone who communicates with feelings as well as words.