march 6th , 2005
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11:46pm

aging

i think i'm slightly, just every so slightly, coming to peace with getting older.
not even coming to peace with it, but actually liking it and celebrating it.
not a LOT, but just a little :) like 2%.
when i first started aging it bothered me mostly because i started to look like my mother, and since my mother is the one who has betrayed me the most in this world, it seemed a cruel joke, at the least, that i was starting to look like her. as i equated what she looked like with bitterness and self loathing, and she was bitter and hated herself.
she hated aging and was petrified of it and was always quite jealous of the way i looked. she always compared the way i looked to the way she looked, and would tell me often how she didn't understand how she had made such a beautiful daughter when she , herself, was so ugly.
that made me feel very uncomfortable.
she was always beautiful to me, and i told her that sincerely.
but when i started to age and saw her in the mirror, i was, and still am quite a lot, conditioned into thinking that whatever she looks like is equated to ugliness. and it doesn't help that i now hate her.

but lately i have sort of been coming into my OWN age wise. and i am redefining it for MYSELF.

sonia5 really helped me that.
i owe so much to her.
she redefined "age to me. and a few other people did that, too, my friend jim antle and lorna doone, to mention just 2.

other people help , too. marianne faithful, yoko ono, patti smith, madonna...

but i can actually SEE now where i might be actually HAPPY that i look older.
it's within the range of my vision. i'm not there yet, but i see it.

also, as i've gotten older, especially in the last year, i feel a confidence in me i didn't have before.
i feel a LOT more comfortable being a teacher. i feel confident in it.
i feel more confident that i won't take shit and my boundries are more clear and i am less afraid to enforce them. it's a new feeling for me. and i really really like it.

i feel stronger. i feel sexier because confidence is sexy.

i can visualize easier looking 70 and still kicking a ton of ass.

i can't really put this into words yet as this is still a new feeling for me and it's just a bud growing in me now. but i'm really proud of myself and excited to have gotten to this point.

10:49pm

i'm am sort of 1/2 watching this thing on PBS:

"Dr. Christiane Northrup's Mother-Daughter Wisdom. The doctor explains the importance of mother-daughter bonds in relation to a woman's health."

and so far, for me, it's been most unhelpful and trite.

i think i'm just pissed because i feel so cheated from having a real relationship with my mother now.
i'm so angry. i feel so cheated. i feel so left out. this show is hard for me to watch.
it makes me realize how much i am missing out. why can't i have a nice normal mother?
i can't even talk about it more than that.

i feel really bad for the last words i said to my mother. i made them as nasty and hurtful as i could out of desperation because i wanted to blowtorch the cord that bound us. i burnt it to as crisp. but i needed to do that for my own survival. and now she will go to the grave with those words.
and i can't think of a better way i could have handled that situation. i did what i needed to do and i'd do it again.

but it's really a shame it had to end that way.

it hurts me so much knowing that i will never see her again. and that even when she dies, i will not go to the funeral. and that maybe in her last few minutes of life she will feel very awful about us (or not...maybe i will be nowhere in her thoughts). i really hope she has a peaceful death and it will all be good.
maybe i will even die before she does.

my mom was with her mother when she died. after she died, she washed her mother's body and examined her fingers, like a mother examines the fingers of her newborn baby and counts them. i won't be there for my mother's death. i won't be there during her last minutes to comfort her and we both will not receive any closure. i miss my mother's fingers. i miss her smile and laugh. i miss when she used to be normal and loving. iw ish i could have her back how she was.
but....i have to suck it up and deal with the reality of this situation.
that is gone now. i won't ever get it back. all i can do is be glad for the times we did share that were happy.
during the last week of my mother's mother's death, she finally got the love and recognition she needed from her mother. it took her mother to be near death to finally give it to my mother.
and now my mother repeats this.
i won't be around to receive it, tho. i am not my mother. i do things differently.

i'm really sad. there are really no words to describe it.

i feel so cheated and betrayed. i want a mother. i don't want HER to be my mother, tho.
at least not the way she is now.

it's a pain that has no bottom.

9:52pm

the greatest breakdancing EVER

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/breakdance.wmv

holy shit this stuff is so cool it made my eyes water and i got goosebumps!
*shivers down my spine in the best way*
and i don't have that kind of reaction unless i'm watching the contortionists at cirque!
who IS that guy? wow!!!

woa, and check out the guy on last in THIS video!
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/robotdance.html
amazing!!!!!!!!!!

9:13pm

anounced the winners of photoconest.
i'm behind on anapix.
watching CSI.
and making a soup!

so far: beef, chicken, and spicy wild rice sausages from howie!
thyme, oregano, onion salt, pepper, a tiny amount of cumin 'cause that is all i had.

7:34pm

i watched the movie "collateral damage"
and holy SHIT if that is not the most nervewracking suspenseful movie i have ever seen!
jason had to even pace the room while watching it because it made him anxious, too!
wow!
i'm still trying to calm down from it!

4:49pm

i expended so much energy yesterday, today i am very out of it.
i'm going over to watch a movie at jason's now.
last night we watched this amazing inspiring documentary about sun ra.

3:05pm

i sent photos of many of my hats to the woman who makes the stitch-n-bitch books.
she is going to make a book on crochet and i hope to GOD that she likes my work and that one of my hats can make it into her book. aaa! i want to be in it so much!!!!
please send good vibes that it will happen!!!

i was also asked to be a small part of this book here:

http://www.livejournal.com/community/hookerbook/3150.html

yippee!!

2:24pm

12:00am

Horoscope for Aries (March 6 2005)

Keep a closer eye on what everyone around you is doing. Someone may unintentionally put you in a compromising position. Stay calm -- if you overreact, you will never be able to convince others of your true position.

and

Intense encounters
This influence indicates rather intense encounters with other persons and circumstances, which will reveal many aspects of your life that you may not have understood or may have chosen to ignore. In particular, it signifies that you may have power struggles with others, especially persons in authority, in which you will be forced to stand up for your position. On the other hand, you must avoid being overweening and domineering, because such an attitude will only create conflicts that you will probably lose, one way or another. Be careful not to place yourself in situations where you could be subjected to force or violence. Avoid places with high crime rates, or take precautions if you must go into such areas. Sometimes you can inadvertently draw violence into your life without knowing why.