march 1st , 2005
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10:55pm

my horoscope for tomorrow according to brezny:

"ARIES (March 21-April 19): Jon Stewart, host of Comedy
Central's "The Daily Show," is a big star now. But on his way to the top, he
has sometimes had a laidback attitude towards ambition. "As long as
I can remember," he has said, "I wanted to sleep late, stay up late,
and do nothing in between." Believe it or not, Aries, I suggest you
adopt an equally leisurely approach in the coming week. The best thing
you can do to serve your burning desires in the long run is to explore the healing mysteries of being a lazy bum right now."

hilarious! i don't think this is very good advice for me right now, tho!

here it is for leo, which is my rising sign:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I have a tricky assignment for you this
week, Leo. It will require you to display an open-hearted curiosity as you
live on the edge of your understanding. It will ask you to be cheerful and
optimistic as you question as many of your certainties as you can. Your
challenge is to embody the attitude suggested by Caroline Myss in this
passage from her CD, *Spiritual Madness: The Necessity of Meeting God in
Darkness:*
"The moment you come to trust chaos, you see God clearly. Chaos
is divine order, versus human order. Change is divine order,
versus human order. When the chaos becomes safety to you, then you know
you're seeing God clearly."

10:39pm

so...i've decided not to eat these mussels.
i feel very guilty i have wasted them.
and the rest of my soup...and all the noodles, and a stick of butter.
*sigh*
live and learn and a sad end to a stupid day.

maybe i'll just stick the soup with the noodles and butter (and no mussells) into the fridge and think on whether the noodles and broth are still safe to eat.

*double triple sigh*

i can also add in there ruining a potato sausage because i stuck it in the soup and overcoking it turned it into a bizarre texture, and so, i've given a few pieces to the dogs who love it, so i guess that is good.

in the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal.
it's only like 20 bucks (more or less) down the drain.
but when you're poor and freaking on money anyway, and already had a few shitty days, it just makes one's spirit droop.

but hey...i try new things cooking-wise. which is how i live my life with everything. i like to try new things in new ways. you win some you lose some. thankfully when i cook, i MOSTLY win. i've only had 2 cooking disasters, which is a pretty good record.

i mostly feel awful that i killed 30 sea creatures for no good reason.

 

10:14pm

i've never bought fresh mussells before, but i did a few weeks ago and then stuck them in the freezer.
so they've been in the freezer for about 2 weeks.
today i stuck them in soup straight from the freezer and the directions said don't eat any that don't open.
well, only about 4 out of 30 opened. but i think they open to show that when you are cooking them they are still alive.
but i didn't want to steam them when they were alive which is why i froze them 1st.
so...what do i do with all these unopened mussels? just not eat them?
are they all bad? or did they just not open because i froze them 1st?

advice???

it seems a shame to waste all these mussells...i'm bummed!!!!

on further inspection the mussells that did open are so puny it hardly seems worth my while to pry the others open and eat them and risk getting sick.

bah.

9:57pm

and i stuck in some noodles and a stick of butter!
it's a good thing i go on the treadmill 5 times a week now!
eesh!

9:27pm

i'm cooking some mussells in the soup i made a few days ago.
all i had left is the broth so i thought i'd throw these mussells i bought awhile ago (had in the freezer) into it.
i think they were maybe alive when i bought them (eek), but i can't deal to steam something dead, so i thought sticking them in the freezer for a few weeks would be a kinder death. at least, i'd rather freeze to death than steam to death.
ok, now that i have said all that how can i even eat them?
anyway...i didn't even thaw them 1st, i just stuck them in the soup and i'll cook it until i am certain they are cooked.
i've never steamed or cooked mussels before. i've had ones that were already cooked, but not like fresh ones.
not like they are fresh anymore having been in my freezer for a few weeks.
poor little mussel creatures.
but so yummy!
and also eating mussels and oysters and clams that are farm raised (not dredgeed from the bottom which destroys the ocean floor) are environment friendly because mussells just eat the stuff that is already floating in the water like algae and stuff, they don't need to eat other fish. they aren't carnivorous.

still, dogs will NOT eat mussells or oysters, at least mine won't, and none of the dogs doing "stupid pet tricks" on david letterman would eat a raw oyster and david said "i wonder if they know something we don't know?"
which is exactly what i thought!

hmmm! eek!
still, it's a yummy good source of protein that CLEANS the ocean rather than pollutes it or needs to eat 5 pounds of fish for every 1 pound of itself. so...i'll eat them. for now...

 

6:44pm

burnt squash

it was actually good after i scraped the burnt parts away :)

 

5:46pm

got to the treadmill for 1/2 an hour. anorexia woman didn't come in the whole time, so that was a nice break from that. although i did see her outside and she sure looks different with her work clothes on and she smiled at me, which was an odd feeling as she probably doesn't know how much i think about her and how much it bothers me that she works out in the way she does. or maybe she does. i don't know. i wonder how many people really can pick up on what i am thinking and feeling? i know i can pick up what other people are feeling, at least, many times. although i don't think it's so much psychic as much as just very observant. so many people are not very observant. or maybe they are but are just really stupid at interpreting what their observations mean. or maybe they just don't care enough to interpret them correctly, which is probably more the case.
but ya, i don't think that woman is picking up on what i am feeling because when she is working out she is far too focused on her own self punishment.
it'd be funny if i was way off and she wasn't anorexic at all.

i'm glad i made it through today in one piece.
and now i am going to work on ducky's hat. i think i may even finish it tonight, i'm not sure.
if not tonight then tomorrow.

and then i really want to focus on getting my taxes done. what i also need to do more urgently is put stuff up for sale, but i am feeling really paranoid about my taxes and and i want that danger off my head.
or maybe i can work on taxes while simultaneously dyeing t shirts.

i think i will ask my dad for a small loan. god, it's always so humiliating.

and then after i get the taxes out of the way i can focus all my energy on putting things up for sale and making things to sell. when i make hats to sell then i don't end up being this badly in financial trouble, but i have hardly made any hats at all lately and the ones i have made are not for selling.

i also need to stop drinking beverages that are so expensive, like coke.
i swear if i just drank tea or tap water i could save $100 a month, but i am the QUEEN of beverages!
i mean i rrrrreeeeeeaaaalllllllyyyyyy LOVE my beverages and if i don't have them i feel really unhappy and deprived.
beverages are really my cigarettes and they comfort me.
tap water really weirds me out tho 'cause what on earth is in THAT, you kno? yuck. flouride and all that.

i need to get a teapot so i can make a batch of tea for a whole afternoon rather than just one cup at a time.
but tea isn't FIZZY like coke it! i really need the FIZZ!

but i really need to rid myself of the cola habit because sugar and aspartame is really bad for you.
the aspartame especially. but i don't think i'm ready to let go just yet.

3:51pm

i guess i can congratulate myself on staying sane today.
i didn't get much physically productive done.
but i managed to stay sane and together and not crumble into a pile of hysteria.
that has to count for something.
sometimes that's all i can ask of myself to do.

3:24pm

ok, i'm slowly working myself out of this pothole.
jason will be home soon and we will go on the treadmill.
one step at a time...

2:36pm

i thought i was stronger today. i kind of am.
but all it took is just that one mean comment to throw my whole vibe off track again.
my emotional wellbeing lays in a delicate balance that can be easily shattered.
i keep losing my stomache.
i have so much i have to get done.
i am so completely fuct for money this month and i do not have enough money to pay rent today.
maybe i will in a few days.
i haven't paid my electric bill for 2 months. or my phone bill.
or my server bill.
i need like 1,000 and i need it now.
i'm kind of freaking and part of me just wants to go to sleep and shut off. but i can't.
i'm sick of everything having to be such a struggle.
i need to find things to sell and sell them pronto.
i need to make it to the p.o. box and mail things off.
i'm scared and overwhelmed.
i have to take action, but i am completely without any energy.
i am spent. i am dishrag.
i have nothing left to give today.
i was almost fine until that girl said that thing.
and then all my blocks came tumbling down.

things will work out somehow.
they always do.
i have to find the strength in me to just go one more mile.

 

2:26pm

why do people always have to wreck it?

http://comments.deviantart.com/1/15479871/113907592

my first stupid ass comment in DA to this entry:
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/15479871/

why can't people just leave me the fuck alone?
why are people so evil?
i'm so fucking sick of it.
i really am.

i know i know...ignore it blah blah blah
i'm just raw today and i'm seriously sick of it.
i'd love that girl to say that to my face to i could crack a few of her teeth out.

i'd just like to have ONE fucking day where someone doesn't say something rude to me.
is that too much to ask?

everyday i get rude comments in one form another. whether it's someone calling me a cocksucking whore on photocontest, or some other person emailing me telling me i'm a retarded cunt for thinking the things i think. it is just NEVERENDING!!!!
or it's my mom harrassing me on the internet or it's some ass shutting down my hotmail or paypal just to make my life hell.

sometimes i just want to leave the internet entirely. just shut it all off.

click.

Current Mood: cranky

12:50pm

i feel kind of strong and normalized today, all things considering.
my mom is still on my mind, understandably, but i feel like i have "blasted her out of my sphere" somewhat.
i can't "feel" her today, as in i have no idea if she is angry at me, sad and broken, totally fine and gettig on with her life. i just have no clue. and usually i can sort of feel "something". and i have to say, it's really wonderful.
maybe what i did yesterday was just so darn harsh that she cut the cord or pulled back a ton, either that or i am getting better at building walls around me that cannot be penetrated by her feelings and thoughts and desires. i feel like i took a blowtorch to whatever ties that bind us.
whatsoever the reason, i'm just glad i don't feel anything from her. i'm fucking sick of her.
i hope she can just pick herself up and get on with her life and do something productive with her life and concentrate on her husband or something. i don't wish her ill, i just want her to heal and live the rest of her life happily without me.
and we'll sort all this out in the next life or something...or not.
but this life...it's totally fucked between us and i don't see how it could ever be repaired.
the only way it could be repaired is if she left me completely alone for 10 years and she got on with hers and worked on her problems so she wouldn't hurt me anymore. but i really don't see that happening as she isn't even remotely at the point to admitting she has done nothing wrong.
but blech whatever.
i think i will send her a certified mail, so she cannot say she never received it (like she will do wiht emails sometimes)
stating clearly that i wish no contact with her in any way, even through third parties.
a friend of mine is also going through this process so it helps me to see what she is doing.
and she is doing that and i think that sounds like a good plan.
and then i need to print out everything she has ever sent to me, etc. and that is exhausting to me.
and i don't even have my printer hooked up.
but i need to have this all ready to go in case she does contact me again.
and maybe i should send a copy of the letter to her email and to LJ.
or something...
i don't know...

anyway, i just want to get on with my day now.
i have so much to do...

12:05pm

this horoscope should have been for yesterday!

 

Horoscope for Aries (March 1 2005)

Have strength and you will surpass all the negativity that has been thrown your way. Speak loudly and clearly on your own behalf. You have worked too hard to let anyone take away your ability to prosper.

and

Healing conversation
Under this influence all forms of healing and being healed are especially favored. This influence is also particularly suited for every type of operation on body and soul, whether you undertake this on another person or on yourself. With people who are close to you, you can have deep conversations about those sore points which we all have and which make us react very sensitively to some things. It would be only too human to avoid this situation for fear of the pain connected with it. But, of course, you should not do so, as healing and becoming whole demand certain preconditions which are not readily to be found, but which are, during this time, especially favored.