february 13th, 2005

10:04pm

wow, milla has a HUGE site!

http://www.millaj.com

7:38pm

http://www.vosgeschocolate.com/

i need the 32 piece box of truffles
and the collection italiano of truffles
and the gatsby + daisy collection!

just go read the ingredients there are in these things, chili peppers, balsamic vinegar, olives, cinnamon, curry, roses, wasabi, sea salt, fennel...!

aaaaaaaaaa! must EXPERIENCE!!!!!!!!

i wish i could afford the chocolate club:
http://www.vosgeschocolate.com/detail.aspx?ID=890

ever month for a year you get these incredibly exotic chocolates every full moon! read the ingredients in THOSE!

 

5:03pm

i'm sooo tired today. had t take a nap.
it's very rainy.
i've spent the day in bed with the monsters watching documentraies about the ocean, or in bed asleep, in in the bathroom losing my stomache for some inexplicable reason.
energy levels low but mostly in a good mood anyway.
gonna go to jason's to watch iron chef now and then i'm coming back to watch the grammy's.

1:39pm

i am an artist. i am kind but i am volatile. i search for hidden treasure. i
like to make the soup and the string. i like umbrellas, writing things in dust, and things that
are round. sometimes i am small. sometimes i expand across the universe. treat
me with care or i'll rip your head off.

(these are updates to my lj userinfo page because it's a rainy grey day and i'm just passing the time)

 

12:21pm

i still can't get into my hotmail. jason can get into his so i tried on his computer but i can't get into it on his either.
how aggravating.

i just realized that tomorrow is valentine's day!

i dreamed i was hanging out with brigitte neilsen and flavor flav.

my neck is better today! so i don't think i will get a massage, which is good because i can't afford it.

it's grey and rainyish today.

i don't know what i feel like doing today but i know i should clean, but i really don't feel like it.

i didn't read my mom's journal yesterday either. each day i make it through.
it's so hard. i use up so much mental energy just trying to stay out of her psychological warfare game.
i'm glad i don't go there and read it.
i wish to god she would leave LJ. maybe someone who knows what my mom's LJ is could just let me know if she ever leaves.
because i would just like to know if she is gone so i can feel safer and breathe easier.
it's always just in the back of my head that i wonder what crappy things she is saying to me in there and it's so exhausting. but it's healthier for me not to read it because it's toxic for me to read it and that is, obviously, what she wants. she wants me to be in pain because she is in pain.
when she hears from my dad that i am doing fine, it makes her angry.
she doesn't eant me to be fine, she wants me to suffer to like she does.
well, i refuse to do that. no thank you.

yesterday was also really exhausting for me because some guy i don't even know asked me if he should write a press release for the documentary and send it off to all this press. but it's not my film so i told him that i'm sure the people who made the film are working on one and will contact the press themselves, and that is all i ever said to this guy.
well, he just kept emailing me with updates on his writing this press release and i thought if i just ignored him he would stop.
he even contacted the people who made the film and they thought he was working for ME. so i don't know what he said to them but that ticked me off that he was trying to align himself with me and i don't even know him.

then yesterday, i see in my email that he had written me again saying that if he didn't hear back from me in an hour he was going to send off the press release he had written!

well, i didn't get back to him in an hour because i was sleeping and he sent it off! without the permission of me or anyone who has anything to do with the film!

i mean, it's one thing to write a review about the documentary and link to it and tell your friends about it and all that. it's another thing entirely to send off a press release on the behalf of me and the people who made and are distributing the film!
how seriously presumptuous and just plain bizarre!

to make matters worse, in the release he names ME as the main contact for this film, and says that you can download the film on MY site and get the poster for the film from my LJ.

i know he was just trying to do something nice and give me traffic, but gah! that really makes me look like i am an asshole and i'm trying to make this film be all about me me me. and it makes me HIGHLY uncomfortable!

and i didn't know what to write to this guy because i felt bad for being angry because he had done this, seemingly, nice thing for me.
but the more i thought about it throughout the day i realized it was really controlling of him to do that and not very nice at all!
like he was just forcing himself into my life under the guise of doing this selfless kind act.
and i freaking HATE that kind of controlling behaviour that is so subtle like that! i hate when people try to ingratiate themselves into my life like that. it sends little red flags up all over in me of major controlling ickiness. have had so many people like that in my life. and when you don't give them back what they think you then "owe" them for their wonderful selfless gestures, they get really pissy.
and i hope that doesn't happen.

well, i told the people who are in charge of the film what happened so they know i had NOTHING whatsoever to do with the press release.
and so now the can deal with that guy if they want to, because i am not going to. it has nothing to do with me!

this guy cannot force me to email him or have contact with him or be his friend. i mean what's with "if i don't hear back from you in an hour i'm sending this off"? where does he get off? wtf? CONTROLLING!

it's just WEIRD!

i'm sure no harm will come from this, and whatever contact i get through it i will just fwd it to the proper people. i'm not upset about that.
i'm just really upset over this controlling behaviour because i have had sooooooo much of it in my life and i am sooooooo sick of it!

it triggers in me just all sorts of past feelings and anger and ickiness and feelings of being trapped and claustrophobic.
past boyfriends, record labels, past friends and aquaintences, my mother...

so i'm just pissed at this guy for bringing up all this anxiety in me over it. he has no clue and i just want to scream at him.

but i'm sure if told him how i feel, he'd get all pissy at me and tell me i am being ingrateful and bitchy and that he was only trying to help me out and do something good for me. these people are ALWAYS like that.

i could be wrong, but i seriously doubt it. oooo! it pisses me off!

ok, breathe breathe breathe.

let goooooooooooooooooo.

so ya, between that and the mental exhaustion of knowing my mom is back on LJ has really stressed me out.
i feel really claustrophobic and i have a lot of anxiety.

i just want to withdraw and cocoon myself and lose myself in movies.

 

 

horoscope:

Handling the trivia
This is a good time for communicating with people, writing letters or planning a course of action in your career or your home and personal life. You are inclined to spend a lot of time thinking under this influence, and others may see you as being all thought and no action. However, this is the time for plans, not for action. Your mind should be very clear today, and you should be in touch with your feelings and emotions to an unusual extent, even about aspects of yourself that you normally keep hidden because you cannot express them clearly. Therefore, the plans you make today are more in keeping with your real inner desires than usual. In your job this is a good time to clear away paperwork and handle the more trivial aspects of your work, because you can pay very close attention to details.