| february
8th, 2005 |
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11:22pm
and melena i got the clothes! :)
i love the dress! the other tops and jacket aren't really my style but there
are totally jason's sister's style and she will love them!
i will take pix of me in the dress soon :) it's so spiff :)
and i thought you had sent me a bag of pot until i realized it was "peu
pourri" (all of a sudden i cannot for the life of me remember how to
spell that..i'm losing my mind)
11:05pm
mouseover:
in my photos of the collar it's showing
it more yellow than it actually is because i have the saturation turned up.
but the collar still isn't as clear and white as shown in their photo. and
you can see that even on my mannequin, which has a very long and skinny neck,
you still can't see the middle part of the collar like you can in their photo.
ah ok, i see! on the photo they show...there are one 2 layers of ruffles on
the bottom...but on mine there are 3!
and my latex seems to be more thick than theirs.
hmmm!
i still really LOVE my collar tho!
but i'd also like one that looks like the one in the photo :)
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10:22pm
jae! i got the collar :)
(and caramels :) yay!
it's so cool! i will wear it tomorrow on cam :)
it actually doesn't fit me like it did in the photo on the site, tho.
it's too long! like my neck is way shorter than this thing is so it has to
scrunch on my neck and therefore looks very different. but i like the way
it looks still anyway :)
but because of this, i can't get
the bottom hooks hooked.
i can only hook the top 2 and then after that it's way to tight to hook anymore.
so hmmm!
but i will figure out my won way
of adding something to it in back so it looks like it's supposed to be that
way. and it looks totaly fine from the front. it's VERY ruffly!!! it's actually
a lot more clownish on me, but i think with the right hair and outfit it will
look maybe not so. but either way i like weird clown stuff :)
you will see it tomorrow. it will be cool :)
i want to to make it shiny and i
have this stuff for hair that you spray on to make your hair shiny, and it
contains cyclomethicone, ethyhexl methoxycinnamate, panthenol, silk amino
acids, and "fragrance".
and i am wondering if any of those ingredients might be bad for latex. i have
NO ide what those ingredients are!
9:44pm
even tho i was distressed, i still
made it down and went on the treadmill for 1/2 an hour.
but it was again, distressing to be in there because right next to me on the
next treadmill what the same anorexic woman walking realllllllly fast and
furious, just stomping her feet and flailing her arms around and it was just
distressing and depressing and i tried to figure out ways to deflect her energy
filled with self loathing.
finally she got off , and i thought, thank god! but she then went over to
weights but her arms are so thin she really couldn't lift anything and she
didn't know what she was doing. then she took the big blue ball off inot a
corner to do sit ups on or something, i really think what she was doing was
waiting for us to leave so she could get back on the treadmill or maybe she
wanted to be on the machine jason was on which was one of those eliptical
things. or whatever they are called.
then went to jason's for dinner and
i watched american idol and afterwards we watched a really poorly made documentary
on demand about uenicks. (how do you spell it?). men who have been voluntarily
castrated.
the subjects they chose were pretty depressing and then on top if it, it was
just a horribly made documentary.
but weirdly, this was all better for me to do than sit at my house being furious with my mother.
tomorrow will be a big day. lots to prepare. LOTS. it's going to take me all day to get everything set up for the show.
i really wish that when my mom does this to me time and time again it wouldn't affect me so greatly. but it still really does. it just throws me completley off track and drains all my energy away.
but i'm trying very hard to stay
positive and keep my mind busy with other things so that i don't just implode
over it.
it's hilarious that my hosroscope today was about expressing rage.
but i really have raged enough about my mother and don't have much, at least
verbal, rage left in me about it.
i've really said all i can say about how angry i am with her. and i don't
think there is anything more i could possibly add.
i was surprised that only 4 people have asked me why i deleted my journal. how odd. not that i did it to get a reaction from people, i did it so that my mom will leave me alone. but i just thought more people would be curious.
3:12pm
i've deleted my lj so that i cannot read my mom's journal, since she added me as her only friend there and writes there only so i can see all her completely deluded crap.
i'm doing my best to take care of
myself today.
i think i will use this day to just really recharge and relax so that tomorrow,
for the show, i can give it my all.
1:29pm
jesus fucking christ.
now my mom just emailed me at my gmail account.
and from what she wrote it sounds like her LJ will be up again very soon.
this fucking never ends!!!!!!!!!!!
i have created a filter so that future emails from her from that account will
be moved to the trash.
fucking a!!!!! i don't need this
shit! things in my life are starting to get happy.
i don't need her bullshit fucking with that!
it's so funny, too, because just last night before i went to sleep i had the thought that it was so nice that my mom was FINALLY leaving me alone and respecting my space.
how totally wrong i was.
she is such a selfish asshole times
infinity times pi.
her fucktarderly knows no bounds.
is there a programme i can install
which will make it impossible for me to go to her journal and read it?
like could i get cybersitter or something and block myself from being able
to go there?
1:13pm
my washer kept leaking and filling
with water, so jason shut the water off the to washer.
i hate having to call the maintenance people, and i don't have time for that
right now.
maybe i can do laundry at jason's for the next few days.
the cam show is tomorrow. so there are things i need to do to prepare for
it.
and set up IRC so i can get in there and stuff. try that out.
clean my house, set things up. just lots of stuff.
but what i feel liekdoing is taking it easy today and mellowing uot because
i am so nervous. i feel like immerseing myself into a science fiction book
to get away from my own life for awhile.
i may have to do that , at least for a bit, so i don't drive myself crazy.
i did so much work yesterday i feel today should be a little intermission
between projects so that i can recharge my batteries for the big cam show
tomorrow.
it looks like it will be happening at 11pm CST to minight CST (the show, and
then the chat for 1 hour after that.
kind fo late for those of you in the midwest of east,. but still early for
those in the pacific time zone.
it will all be archived, tho, so don't worry you will miss anything!
i must now also start working on the hat for ducky doolittle. that hat had
to be put on the back burner as i made the pluckyfluff hat.
and then after all THAT is done, i MUST make things to sell and work on my taxes! and THEN i can FINALLY work on some music ( and also stuff for the fashion show i hope i get in to!)
*whew*
misc pix. a new hat i'm working on:
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12:55pm
a beautiful moving piece of writing...
"As a writer, I only ask that you give me credit for my words. My
name
is Cate Compton. I am the girl who grew up believing in the magic of love
and
honor. I became the woman who knows, without a doubt, that the magic is
real."
as found in catelin's
LJ
-------------------------------------
Friday, February 4th,
2005
8:06
pm - Fag
This is what I heard someone call my little boy today. I didn’t
ignore it. I asked. I glared. What did you say? The kid muttered under his
breath. Nothing. We walked to the car and he was quiet. He’s a boy who
takes
everything into himself. When he shares, it’s a gift. It has a meaning
beyond
what it is.
I looked at him, my beautiful nine-year-old boy who grew in
my belly as I spent endless hours working with men and women dying of AIDS
in
Los Angeles. The baby that I jostled and jiggled when I was nine months
pregnant, shaking my fat little ass at the Dance-a-thon. All the beautiful
queens circled around me under the disco ball and rubbed my belly just like
the
old Russian women at the K-Mart by the Farmer’s Market. I remember looking
at
them, these glittering beautiful people smiling and wishing me luck. They
are
celebrating you, I said to my unborn child. They are celebrating life. It
was
one of the few nights that I didn’t have to face the practical realities
of the
other side of the coin, the side where I watched my friends wasting away to
nothing.
When I had my baby shower, I was living with a friend who
everyone thought was my gay lover. I never cared what anyone thought. We were
like sisters. She was a nurse who worked with HIV/AIDS patients. I was a lawyer
who didn’t like seeing decent people being bullied and treated like
shit. We
were comrades in arms. People were suffering so much, being locked out of
their
apartments, being fired from jobs, being dropped from their insurance, being
ignored by their own families. So very few people really cared. It still makes
me want to howl with the pain of it all when I remember how horrible it was,
how
tremendously unfair, how incredibly fucking cruel people could be. My shower
was
attended by four beautiful fat dykes, nine fabulously gay men, a Liberian
woman
whose asylum case I'd won that year, and a straight couple that I’d
kept in
touch with after law school. That next week, my mom came and marched at Pride.
We laughed about whether I was going to deliver my baby on the parade route.
It
was a golden day. It shook me more than usual to hear a nondescript man hiss
“faggots” as we walked back to the car with a couple of friends.
When he
was a little boy, he would tell me he was going to be a girl. I told him he
could be whatever he wanted. I didn’t think anything about it. Kids
don’t have
much of a concept of gender at two. It's like my friend's daughter who told
him
she was going to grow "big hairy breasts just like Daddy." A few
years later, he
was playing the game of Life with his brother and declared that he was going
to
marry a boy. He was six. His four-year-old brother insisted that he couldn’t
marry a boy. He has to marry a girl, doesn’t he, Mom? I told them that
each of
them could marry a boy or a girl. It doesn’t matter as long as you are
happy and
a good person. He happily zoomed along in his car with two little plastic
blue
guys in the front seat. That was the same year that he liked to wear my lip
gloss. I didn’t care. I’d hand it over any time he asked for it.
There were
other small but similar things every once in a while, all noted but not given
much weight or concern.
So here was my golden boy, born at a time in my
life when I was acutely aware of the powers of both love and hatred, chewing
his
nails in the backseat, trying not to cry. He looked up at me with his giant
green eyes. I could tell he was phrasing his question very carefully, as he
is
such a precise little boy. "I’m not a fag if I don’t want
to have a girlfriend,
am I?" He was so quiet and serious. I pulled over and turned around to
face
him.
I wanted to tell him about the time into which he was born, how so
many people loved him, how so many people saw him as the sign of a good and
hopeful future they might not live to see. I wanted to tell him how the woman
who came into my office after he was born wept with him in her arms and kissed
him all over. I didn’t take him from her until he was sleeping and her
tears had
been replaced with a soft smile. “No one has ever let me touch a baby
since I
was diagnosed,” she told me in Spanish, “He’s so beautiful.
Thank
you.”
There are so many stories I will have for him, when he is ready to
hear them. I looked at him and said, “You are not a fag, period. It
doesn’t
matter if you like girls, or if you like boys. It doesn’t matter at
all. And you
are not a fag no matter what. It’s a hateful word that stupid people
use to hurt
each other.”
That’s all I could say today. I didn't know what else to
say. Is my son gay? I don’t know. I don’t care. He’ll figure
it out. Either way,
when he’s old enough to understand, he’ll hear the stories of
the year he was
born. He’ll know he’s special, and he’ll understand why
the word “fag” will
never touch him again.
12:00am
what
do you eat and why?
1. on the average, what do you eat daily?
2. how many times a day do you eat it?
3. how many calories a day do you THINK you are eating?
4. do you think you get the right amount of nutrients?
5. what do you attribute to why you eat the way you do...taste? money? convenience/time?
ethics? health? etc?
6. do you feel informed and knowledgable about your food choices?
7. and are you satisfied with your eating habits? is it working for you?
8. is what you choose to eat helping you or hindering you?
+++
one4theroad
what was your motivation behind writing "mother anorexia"? i mean,
i've got a pretty good idea as to what exactly would motivate me to write
such a song. and it seems to speak from a place of deep understanding and
experience.
ana
yes, it comes from a deep understanding and experience during a certain time
in my life.
one4theroad
it's obvious. you know. from the words you choose and the passion in your
voice.
thank you for sharing.
ana
it ironic, too, because i had always been underweight all my life and people
had accused me weekly of being anorexic before i even knew what that word
meant. i ate special high calorie shakes to try and gain weight but i was
always massively skinny and androgynous. as in 90 pounds ( 5'2'). there was
nothing i could do, it was just the way i was. that's why i get very upset
when people rag on skinny women as not being "real women" and dogging
on them for being anorexic. because i wasn't. and it took me many many years
before i was able to truly accept my body for what it was. again the irony
as i finally accepted my body then i got older and finally DID manage to gain
weight, but by then i had worked so hard on accepting and identifying with
my very skinny body that when i gained the weight, i couldn't deal with it.
this corresponded exactly at the same time i got signed by major labels. and
so the stress of it made me need to get back to the body i knew and was comfortable
with just so there was at least something that was familiar to me in my life.
weirdly, the 2nd major label i was signed to, i didn't know i was signed BECAUSE
i had no boobs whatsoever (couldn't even fit into a training bra.) and little
did i know that the president of that label had a weird perversion for me
which hinged on me being anorexic LOOKING and androgynous. he saw me as maybe
being the female version of marilyn manson. *I* wanted to call my next album
"the perfect housewife" and have photos of me done in pastel saturated
colours like cookbooks from the 1950s and use analog synthesizers. weirdly,
bjork was making her album she wanted to call domestica.
i drew the cover for my next record which was me as a cyber geisha with insanely
long fingernails, mirrored contact lenses, and princess leish type hair....a
few months later bjork did it (homogenic)!
no one understand my vintage synthesizer love of early new wave...even tho
ladytron, fischerspooner and even madonna would all be doing what i was attempting
to do only a few months later. maddening!
going back..when i got signed to this 2nd major label, when i got my signing
money i used it to get some boobs, which i had been thinking about for 10
years which is another story altogether but had nothing to do with me hating
my smaller boobs.
but when the president of the label found out that i had done this, in the
middle of me recording my record for him, he all of a sudden had no faith
in me anymore. he called me "just another stripper" and said now
i fit into the category of "just another blonde" as he already had
traci lords signed to his label.
i was not his little anorexic looking marilyn manson doll for him to fetishize
and own anymore. now i was "just another woman". and so i was ,
in his eyes, now unmarketable. silly me who thought he had signed me for my
music. and so the single which he had been focused on "mother anorexia"
(and i thought this was because he though it was a good SONG!) became a mute
point for him, because now i no longer looked anorexic because of my new boobs
(which is ONE of the reasons i got them).
so in a weird way, my boob job saved me from becoming the anorexic poster
child and ultimately got me released from that label after 2 years of struggle.
but ya, during that time on that label, i was freaking out. i had no control
over anything. i was literally starving because i had no money and lived off
of selling my cds and clothes. and at the same time had this freaky pervert
who thought he owned me, and legally, he did own my creativity music wise.
at my lowest weight of about 89 pounds because i was flipping out, he had
the gall to email me and tell me "a little birdy told me that you have
been eating too much lately so you might want to stop that as you have a photo
shoot coming up". which if i had been a full blown anorexic and wanting
to die, would be like putting a gun in my hand and telling me to shoot myself.
this is just a LITTLE bit of the
fucked up mysogyny i dealt with when i got signed to major labels.
i actually many equal or worse than this. and this is why i haven't been able
to make new music for 7 years.
one4theroad
wow that record guy sounds like a very unhappy little man. it's unfortunate
that he felt the need to spread the misery and i'm sorry you were on the receiving
end of that.
i'm sure you've thought about this, but what about the possibility of releasing
new music independently? a good friend of mine did this with his prior band
and they didn't exactly make millions, but they made enough to cover their
costs.
i was always a very skinny kid and slow to develop. i didn't even really grow
much in the way of boobs until 18 or 19, and never in my life was overweight
(by medical standards) until about 2 yrs ago. but nevertheless, i spent a
few years flirting with anorexia as a teenager. it's a vicious cycle, one
which logically i should never want to be sucked into again, but then again
i also remember how good it felt to accomplish the weight loss and see the
bones and i miss that sort of thing too.
i need to make peace with my body.
do you feel like you've been able to do that?
ana
he is a very unhappy little man. the epitome of someone with NPD. he used
to tell me i was the only one on his label would talk to him and would email
me in the middle of the night from his mansion in the bahamas telling me how
much he wanted to die. the next day i'd be driving in his porche and he'd
ask me over and over if i was scared of him. i never could figure out if he
wanted me to be scared of him or didn't want me to be scared of him. in retrospect,
i'm guessing he MEANT to ask if i respected him, but to him respect with fear.
in the end i wasn't scared of him or respectful of him, i just hated him.
i've never met a more miserable man with so much money.
i'm sorry you have dealt with an
eating disorder. in this day and age and place, i think it's almost impossible
NOT to be fuct about one's body. you'd have to be a robot made of steel to
not be affected by the minutely bombardment from all angles about one's body.
you'd have to be super human or something.
about making peace with one's body..no, i haven't entirely. i don't think if i ever will. just as i make peace with my body, it changes again. nature's little joke. i FINALLY made peace with weighing more, but now i have aging to deal with. oh joy!
the good part of getting old tho is that i no longer need absolute "peace" or forgiveness or resolution. not that i don't WANT it, crave it, strive for it. but i don't NEED it and i realize that i can survive without it. and that in itself is a little piece of peace.
not that i wouldn't trade in that peace to be skinnier or younger (looking), which is truly fuct, i realize, but just truthfully how part of me feels. but i try to let that fuct feeling just "be" and not to beat myself up about it. because i don't need to beat myself up about it on top of everything else.
i've incorporated my faults and weaknesses
into me as little children i just have to keep an eye on.
i don't scold them for what they are, but i do keep and eye on them and don't
let them run wild or tell me what to do.
i hope that makes sense to you.
one4theroad
wow, i am near tears from all you've shared with me and how open and honest
and thoughtful it all is.
and now i'm worried about coming off as some sort of weirdo for saying all
this. i really have admired you for a long time, from a distance, but you've
fascinated me more and more lately and i think a lot of it has to do with
where i'm at right now.
every time i see a new pic of you or read one of your entries, the thought,
"how do you do it?" comes to mind.
i don't feel like i am right now who i really am deep inside. but maybe i
am and i just think this because i wish i was someone else. and at the same
time, i'm afraid that i'll find out i really am someone else, someone who
i don't like. and there'll be nothing i can do about it because that's who
i AM, end of story.
do you think there are some aspects of one's personality that are so deeply
ingrained that they cannot be changed?
ana
there is a quote that comes to mind:
"Our greatest fear is not that
we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and
fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel
insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission
to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
--Nelson Mandela, 1994 Inaugural Speech, a quote from Marianne Williamson"
you aren't coming off as a weirdo
at all :)
you are very smart and courageous to ask many questions :)
people always come along in our lives at the right time to mirror back little pieces of ourselves so we can see ourselves clearer. the same thing happens to me :)
i think you can change aspects of
youself, truly.
if you want to and desire to badly enough.
but at the same time you have to be aware that you were dealt with a certain
deck of cards and tools to use at birth. you can use these tools for or against
yourself and others. to not recognize the tools and how they work is what
gets a lot of people in trouble and causes a lot of frustration.
for a really general example, some people use their child abuse as a way to become more empathetic and enlighten others and some people use it to hurt other people as they have been hurt.
you could take a saw and cut off someone's head, even your own, or you could use that saw to help you build yourself or others a house.
some pople use their pain to create, others to destroy.
but you were given a specific set of tools unlike anyone elses's tools. get to know what your tools are and what they can be used for, and what they can't be used for.
i think you're on the right track
and are going to be just fine :)
one4theroad
i think there is a very ana-like person inside of me. i have been working
very hard for a long time to make it safe enough for her to come out.
do you have any questions for me?
ana
no...just a command.
come out! :)
one4theroad
i'm getting there :)
i don't live in a very validating or supportive environment right now for
this type of thing.
i've had a lifelong struggle with my creative side and now is not the time
or place to address that, yet.
so many negative vibes in my life right now, and a major source of them is
the person who is paying my rent.
as soon as i am able, i'm going to move (both physically and mentally) to
a better place.
i'm very much looking forward to it, but very nervous as well because i have
to put myself in a position that i don't like to be in, in the process of
trying to get this to happen for myself.
i have to reduce myself to a label so that mr so-and-so at the social security
office can look at that label and decide if i struggle enough, on a daily
basis, to deserve their help.
i almost hate using the word "disability" because i feel that in
the end, once i am freed, my mind will take me places that most mortals never
travel. and even though i may never be able to hold down a 9-5 job as a result
of this, i wouldn't trade it for the world.
all i want to do is expand and learn and live and laugh and watch and write
and read and love and accept and ask and listen.
good god, it makes me drool.
ana
i completely understand.
yet take into account you may die in the next few weeks.
carpe diem, my friend :)
there is no opportune time to shine at your full capacity. you may never have
the validation or support you deserve. i certainly haven't. if i needed to
wait until i had it, i would never shine.
sadly, you have to be your own source of validation and support and you have
to jump off that cliff and see if you can fly. it's an act of faith..or desperation...
support or no support, it'll still make you almost freak in fear, but at least
you DID it before you died.
the universe will ALWAYS support you if you follow your heart. seriously!
it sounds cliche but it's true and you need to stick your neck out to see
it in action.
it's almost like magic.
but there is NO perfect time or place. there never is.
life is awkward and messy.
even after you learn to fly, life will still suck and be messy and awkward.
there will be no "lightbulb moment" just a series of very treacherous
stumbling steps from "here" to "there".
but at least then you are making the steps YOU want on YOUR terms with totally
integrity.
one4theroad
i have come to accept that most of the people in my life will never be exactly
who i want them to be (mom will never be a mom, s will never be an equal partner,
etc). and that's fine, that's perfect, because then it forces me to look more
inside myself for what is missing and see what else i may find in the process.
i guess, to clarify, most of my life up until this point has been lived to
satisy or otherwise somehow effect or bounce off other people.
i hate to be so cheesy and cliche, but i need to "find myself".
i need to cleanse myself of as many outside influences as possible and just
deal with and find out who and what and why and where and how i am.
i already get a good amount of shit about how i live from certain people in
my life. if i go too far at this point in time, it will only make the time
that i have left under this roof more tense and toxic. that is why i am holding
back, a bit, for now.
do you ever fear there may be parts of you that are just wrong on a very deep,
primal, personal ethical sort of way? and that these parts may never be able
to change? and that there may be a constant war, of sorts, between what you
think and what you feel and what you know is right and what you actually do
instead?
ana
i understand. i've done the same thing.
i finally realized i can't ever truly cleanse myself from outside influences.
i can sever myself from
the past and those relationships
which shaped me, for good or for ill.
even society, i am a product of it.
the boob thing for example...
for 10 years i struggled to understand if i like boobs because 1. i was never
breastfed 2. i never had
breasts 3. society is breast obsessed or 4. it's part of my dna from the caveman days or 5. i just like
breasts!
it's just part of who i am, stripped of all other influence.
i thought and thought and thought and THOUGHT about this for 10 years and
reached no conclusion.
i realized i could "waste" another 10 years of my life pondering
this seemingly unanswerable question or
i could just go out and get some boobs and stop thinking about it once and for all so i could
concentrate my mental energies on
other questions and puzzles...like creating.
and it worked :) as soon as i decided to stop beating myself up about liking
big boobs and wanting some,
i was able to stop thinking about
it and i was able to take that energy and channel it elsewhere.
i realized life is too short for me to give more than a decade on that question
:)
and now i've reached a point in my life where i could get rid of these breasts and still feel totally
satisfied. i feel i have experienced them now and gotten them "out of my system". but that's another
story.
i know there are definitely parts
of me that are "wrong"
weirdly, the parts of me that are "wrong" were most pronounced when
i was a child,
and i have no logical way to describe how they "got there" except
to say it must be something left over
from "past lives". i never acted on these "wrong" things, because i guess i didn't feel a need to, and
since i was so young i didn't even reaize they were wrong. and i'm glad that no adults ever figured out
i was thinking what i was thinking so i would be shamed and humiliated into thinking i was somehow
defective....which might have then
caused me to become very twisted.
i just let the "wrong" parts of me "be" and so because
they were never repressed and i didn't feel a need to act out on them.
i don't really know what makes me "me" and be on the "good
side" and what makes a serial killer or president bush be on the "bad
side". maybe it was just luck to have not been abused as a child and
have the right brain chemistry. who knows? but i might be just a "bump
in the head" away from being hannibal lector! i guess again, it's like
i see the "wrong" aspects of myself as just being children. i let
them be, i give them their corner to play in, and i keep a good eye on them
and make sure to give them love, not smash them down and shame them.
one4theroad
okay i just realized that i asked you almost the same question twice. no matter
what i go on about, i wind up back there, so i guess that says something.
in my case, i was taught that so much of me was wrong and abnormal and i still
to this day fully believe some of it. some of it is not even debatable. like
there are certain things that society nearly unanimously agrees are "wrong"...
i was doing those things at the age of 6. and it was clearly pointed out,
and i've been medicated and therapized ever since then, but have never learned
to forgive myself because i'm afraid it's still a part of me. mostly because
i can't figure out why or remember how i learned to be that way in the first
place so i think... what if that's just how i AM?
and every day, the more i try to figure out, the more it occurs to me to even
think about to begin with, the more confused i get. but i wouldn't have it
any other way. i just hope i can sort it out to maybe have it become a bit
more manageable without letting it overtake me in the process.
and the boob thing... i like boobs too. i remember being young and wanting
so bad to hurry up and grow boobs because i wanted to be able to squish them
together and then i'd have cleavage and cleavage would somehow make me pretty.
whatever pretty really is. but now i have them, and i AM glad to have them...
they are a part of my body that i actually like so i think i better keep them
around :P
+++
the kind of yarn i would be if i could make up an imaghinary yarn (question from fuzzy):
"i think then i would be a stainless steel-like yarn, that was lumpy and bumpy at times but still smooth, and it would still be light, but hearty and strong, and it would grow from the silver liquid llama who would sometimes rub up against trees with tiny pods that would stick to it's fur permanently so that the pods would also be mixed into the fiber. and inside the pods would be different sorts of little sounds so that when they broke open ever, a note or sound would be released.
so after you made a sweater of this yarn, once in awhile, little sounds would emmenate from it, little whistles or "la las"
+++
the "bands/musicians sucking as they get older" disease
you know how bands and musicians start sucking as they get older?
the cds they put out are just not so cool as their 1st few albums?
they start putting out stuff that just sounds like lamer watered down versions
of their previous good stuff?
well, i'm trying to think of exceptions
to this rule.
so help me name off some musicians and bands who have not sucked the older
they got.
or maybe even got better the older they got. or at LEAST chartered into new
territory instead of staying in their comfort zone.
1. examples of band and musicians who have really gone downhill the older they got (IMO):
elton john, billy joel, pink floyd, the stones, duran duran (ohmigod did you hear their latest?).....
2. examples of bands/musicians who don't completely suck now because there are always at least 2 really fine songs each of their cds even tho the rest of the cd might just be so so:
U2, R.E.M, prince, xtc, tori, kate bush, the cure, the psychedelic furs, bryan ferry, tom petty
3. examples of bands/musicians who have not deteriorated as they got older, maybe even got better, or at least chartered into new territory:
bjork (medulla not as good as vespertine,
but she charts new territory!), yoko ono (example: her cd called "rising"),
john cale, david bowie (had a decade of suckiness but then rose from the ashes).....
radiohead(but their latest cd wasn't as good as their previous, imo...but
still really good!), talk talk, morrissey, elvis costello?
+++
Horoscope for Aries (February 8 2005)
Things are looking up, so make your move and do your thing. You have the talent and the know-how, so take the plunge and jump into the future with optimism and confidence.
+++
Things are surely looking up as the spark of excitement returns. Your optimism may be uncontrollable, but there are worse things that have been out of control at various times in your life. Now, yellow warning flags should be placed around friends who come to you with schemes for taking over the world or turning it into a perfect place. Remember, Aries, things look better than they are.
Expressing rage:
Valid during many months: This critical influence could awaken considerably
conflicting emotions within you. You might have an increasing urge to finally
tell someone straight to their face what you think of them, while at the same
time being ashamed of having such hurtful and spiteful feelings. Others will
possibly have difficulty coping with you at the present time, so that you
are more reliant than usual on their patience and understanding. The best
thing you can do now is to be compassionate with yourself. Your inner unrest
is an unmistakable sign that something is coming to light which has long been
causing havoc in the depths of your unconscious. Most people bury the emotional
pain resulting from rejection, embarrassment or experiences of ridicule and
abandonment deep within their psyche, without ever venting the rage and hate
which accompany it.
Problems with colleagues or rows within the family could trigger powerful
emotions which no longer stand in relation to the outer events. If you now
have to cope more often with feelings of rage and aggression, this is probably
because you are stronger and more able to deal with such emotions and the
reactions they cause in others. Just admit to having such unpleasant feelings!
Only then will you become increasingly able to react to situations in a more
appropriate way, and not to punish people for things which they are not responsible
for. Rage is a completely natural emotion which protects us, often arising
in situations in which we suffer injustice. If your upbringing has made you
incapable of expressing such feelings, you will continue to feel helpless,
used, guilty and at the mercy of others, denying yourself the chance to fight
back.