today's anagram

february 1st, 2005
past anagrams	menu	utb

9:13pm

made it to the gym but the treadmills were taken so i went on a broken bicycle type thing.
borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring!
but i did it for 25 minutes,and so that is that. one less thing to beat myself up about.

on memory and other things of the psychological nature:

a friend of mine just had an episode of depersonalization disorder.
http://www.angelfire.com/home/bphoenix1/depers.html
http://www.depersonalization.info/overview.html

and excerpt from the 2nd link:

"It may happen when you first wake up, or while flying on an airplane or driving in your car. Suddenly, inexplicably, something changes. Common objects and familiar situations seem strange, foreign. Like you've just arrived on the planet, but don't know from where. It may pass quickly, or it may linger. You close your eyes and turn inward, but the very thoughts running through your head seem different. The act of thinking itself, the stream of invisible words running through the hollow chamber of your mind, seems strange and unreal. It's as if you have no self, no ego, no remnant of that inner strength which quietly and automatically enabled you to deal with the world around you, and the world inside you. It may settle over time, into a feeling of "nothingness", as if you were without emotions, dead. Or the fear of it may blossom into a full-blown panic attack. But when it hits for the first time, you're convinced that you're going insane, and wait in a cold sweat to see when and if you finally do go over the edge.

What you don't know at the moment is that this troubling experience is distinctly human, experienced briefly at some time or another by as much as 70 percent of the population. In its chronic form, popular culture once saw it as part of a nervous breakdown. Some have called it "Alice in Wonderland" disease. Jean Paul Sartre called it "the filth" , William James dubbed it "the sick soul". It's been linked philosophically to existentialism, even Buddhism. Yet to its victims, it's anything but an enlightened state of mind. Welcome to the world of Depersonalization Disorder."

and another excerpt:

"and another:
"One key phrase in the disorder's DSM-IV definition is: reality testing remains intact, Janiger adds. While a degree of depersonalization may be present in other illnesses, like schizophrenia, this is not a psychotic condition. The person knows that something is terribly wrong, and grapples with trying to figure out what it is. If anything, it's the opposite of insanity. It's like being too sane. You become hypervigilant of your existence and things around you."

and i had not even heard of it before.
it's very interesting! i definitely have felt many of those symptoms sometimes when i am under a huge amount of stress.
for instance, when i caught my 1st boyfriend in bed with another girl, i completely disassociated and the me who was me, went backwards through a black tunnel and was watching the world then as if i were looking through a long cardboard tube. and i could hear them talking, but as if they were far far away and it was so faint, i could not hear the words.
and i thought to myself "so this is what it's like to go crazy".
it was really one of the weirdest things i have ever experienced.
and then i "came to my senses" and i went zooming back through the tube and i was back in the room.
i wonder if anyone else has every had that same experience.

and then i have definitely felt like my body was a weird shape, shrinking or stretching...right before i go to sleep.
but i don't think that is a disorder but just my astral body kind of squishing around.
i don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it does to me..so...

and with my mom, sometimes i have felt like i have locked away any emotions i feel about that.
because really, it is too much to bare and i really cannot go there, and i see no reason why i should.
because it's just a bottomless pit of pure emptiness and wrongness.
and i don't think that is ever going to go away or get better so rather than try to be something that it's not.
i've just let it be a bottomless void of hell, but in a small box locked up way back in my mind.
it's not even that far away because i am always aware of it.
but i have consciously put it all into a small box and made it as small as possible.
and it scares the shit out fo me.

i've never talked to myself as if i were 2 people.
i've always been pretty good at combining all my conflicting aspects into one being who is me.
and i don't have any personas or talk about myself in the third person like so many people do.
i have talked outloud to "the universe" or "god" when i am really angry sometimes.
but i think that's pretty normal.

i have sometimes looked at my hands or feet and thought they seemed really alien to me. but like i was an alien from another planet inside my human body and my hands and feet looked so primitive and weird.
and i've just thought to myself "how weird that this is my body now".

also for the 1st few seconds that i wake up, i often cannot remember where i live or the the outlay of my house. but that only lasts for about 2 seconds.

once during stress i even cut myself to sort of "wake myself up" or something. bring myself back to reality somehow.
i'm still not sure. it was about a lot of things i don't really want to go into. but i've never done it again and never will because i didn't experience any "relief" or "euphoria" from it as many cutters descibe. (thank goodness!)

and then once, during a terrible drug experience long ago, i could not remember anything about my life...who my boyfriend was, what he looked like, where i lived, where i was, what my life consisted of.
that was seriously freaky and i will stay away from that drug FOREVER! aaaa! yuck. now i know what it is like to have amnesia.
it's very disconcerting.
it's really amazing how fragile memory is.
you'd think that you could remember things forever, everything is so solid and real, how could you ever forget?
but look at people with alzheimers. it so traumatic.
i remember grace during her final days looking at me not knowing who i was or where she was or why she was there, but i could tell she was just "playing along" like she was ok and knew who i was when really she didn't.
and then for about 5 minutes she'd seem to remember something, but then 1 second later she'd be back to where she started.
to witness someones memory being erased every 5 minutes was one of the most intense, puzzling and painful things i've ever seen.
memory is so fragile. so fleeting.

you can forget who you are and everything that you once knew in an instant. *poof*

even having my cam has made me realize how much of life i forget. when i go back to the photos that are just mundane to you, those are the ones that mean the most to me in years to come.
the stuff you DON'T write down or feel worthy of documentation. the "unimportant" stuff. when i see layout of my houses i can go, oh ya, i remember i was reading that spin magazine and i used that kind of soap then...and it triggers all these things and i'm like HOW did i forget that? it's like when you tape a show, you tape it for the show, not the commercials, but when you watch the taped show ten years from now, it's the commercials that hit you the hardest with the most memory jarring feelings.

and i did have a couple of experiences where a "future" or "past" self has "come into my body"
and experienced me as i am now, and then i also got to experience me as i was then and in the future.
this both happened when i was stoned, so you skeptics can just chock it up to that.
but i know it was real :)
both times were really positive. well no wait, i think it was three times.
the 1st one was me realizing i used to be an egyptian queen (ya, i know i know.... how extremely cliche! but since all is one and one is all we've ALL been egyptian queens. i think people just remember there egyptian queen life because it was so powerful and so it's easy to access. it has a strong "signal", so to speak)
anyway...i don't want to type about that one right now because for some reason it gives me a stomache ache to even type this much. so i'm moving on.
all just say about that life, in summary, i realized that i own more NOW and live a more luxurious life and have more personal freedoms with THIS life than i ever did as any queen or king i ever was. if you are a king or queen you really don't own anything, not even your own self. bigtime suckfest.

the next time was i was on the bus going home from my job in retail. it was a long 1/2 an hour busride all down lake street, which is one big long longgggg street. they even made a play about this bus called the 21A.
it's notorious.

so...ok, i've lost my drive to write this all down. maybe i will later. i think i've written it down before anyway somewhere in here. but #2 was on the bus where i remembered a "future" life (i write future in parenthese because all time is now) and it was then that i realized that all time IS now since i was able to remember the future exactly in the same way as remembering the past. so that was a huge "knowing" . and my future life "remembered" the life i was in right now with great fondness and so it was then i knew i would have a good life, basically, and it gave me a bit of relief.

and the other one was only a few minutes long but i remembered my life as a little old asian potter man.
and how much i loved a really simple life and to make pottery.
i'd like to access that life again because it was very peaceful to me.
and especially peaceful because it didn't have such an emphasis on sexuality and sex and gender and all the politics and anxiety which go with being the female i am today in the world i am in today.
and so, i as i get older, i hope i can draw on the experience of that life much more.

for those of you who do not believe in reincarnation you must think i am truly nuts.
but, i don't care :)
i don't need you to believe me because i know what my experience is.

this whole time if been typing this i've been sort of 1/2 been watching this show on pbs about how evil credit card companies are.

and while i was bicycling i was wondering how the INXS show is going to go (where they are looking for a new lead singer).
and thinking about all the possibilities of that and thinking it might really suck for the new singer if the singer is younger because all the other guys in the band probably got all the partying out of their system, mostly, and now have wives and children to call after the shows. but i could be wrong...
that's a whole other thing i could write about but who knows what will happen and i don't know the people in INXS so it's all hypothetical.

but i'd love to be a fly on the wall to watch the psychological dynamics of all that after the show ends and the new lead singer is chosen and brought in.

so much of my thinking is taken up by watching human behaviour and trying to understand it.
i think that is why i love reality tv shows (some of them)
i love to see "what if" you put all these people in "this situation" what will they do?
i suppose that is why a lot of people watch.
or maybe not!
i think a lot of people watch to also make themselves feel better and to belittle the people on tv so they can feel better about their own pathetic lives (in their opinion).
i just like to pick it all apart psychologically and wonder about it even interdimensionally.
and i think what will this person learn from this?
how will they be changed?
why did they choose to be on this show?
why were the chosen?
what will they learn about themselves or others after they watch the show?
how will they look back on it in 10 years time?
what are their motives and how does their pure desire to win (sometimes at all costs) factor in to them winning?
(the creating your own reality thing)
how does love fit into the equation of all of this?
and why is it that on these shows people say they open up more than they ever have before and make such huge bonds that they say they are closer to these people than even their own friends and family (survivor and surreal life, the most).
is it really "the norm" for most people to hide most of themselves?
these are some of the things i think about.
and i guess, what does it say about me that i wonder these things?

i better shut down my brain now because i am on overload.

i will probably keep editing and adding on to this entry, as i have the energy because i have a lot to say about this.

here is a song i wrote that is partly about the state of being in dissociation (sang and played guitar also)
and recorded way back in 1992 in my all female band The Blue Up? off our album called "cake and eat it"
(where courtney love got her idea for her "girl with the most cake" lyric, she told me so herself..name drop, i know, so sue me :) it's just the truth and a fun little trivia fact)
it's pretty raw sounding because it was made on a 16 track in someone's basement and it's from most "punk" album i made. right click on it and "save as" to your computer (for those of you on PC)

http://www.anacam.com/lj2005/theblueup-cakeandeatit-comealive.mp3

"come alive

as i'm walking down the sidewalk
i feel so automatic
my surroundings look like tv
and the people are the static

i want to come alive

i can feel myself breathing
and i'm walking rather quickly
but the traffic's moving faster
and i wonder if it'll hit me

i want to come alive

and i want to slow down
but i'm late for work again
gotta get me some coffee
to keep my mind open"

the song's title comes from a lsd trip i took in the early 90's (yes, another drug reference) in one of my favourite cemetaries here (lakewood), and i looked up into the clouds and saw a mandela of skeletons and i kept saying inside my mind "come alive...come alive" (to the skeletons) because i knew this was a message to myself that i needed to wake up and become more alive. and i was able to change the skeletons into chinese dragons if i concentrated hard enough.
it was interesting. i miss lsd :)

i also redid the "come alive" song on my cd called "spool forka dish".
but i didn't like my remake of it as much as i like this original.

7:15pm

ate a sardine sandwhich and now feel more stable.
i've been looking into astrology and tarot today because i really want to make sure i take full advantage of anything positive coming my way this month and use all the "energies" as tools to the best of my abilities!
this month is about grabbing the bull by the horns.

i'm not going to let any opportunities pass me by, even tho i may be feeling a little insecure today.

6:37pm

i haven't eaten anything yet today.
i must do that now.
what i've done today is anacam biz, thinking and communicating about the cam show on feb 9.
debating/arguing with men about their genitals and when it is not an appropriate time to show their erect penis.
and debating about the current law in germany which can force people into prostitution.
now i must smoosh the puppies and eat!
and 7pm is american idol and at 8pm jason and i are going to be hamsters on the treadmill again.

6:24pm

my horoscope today from astro.com

The art of persuasion
This influence puts you much more in touch with your own feelings and with the feelings of the people you encounter. You are able to sense others' moods and to shape your communications so that what you say fits in with their feelings. This ability is particularly useful when dealing with groups of people. This is an excellent time for talking to groups and trying to persuade them of your point of view. By the same token, you will listen unusually well to other people's problems. Others will sense your interest and may call on you to help them with their problems. But that will not bother you, because you are very concerned with experiencing emotional richness in your communications with others, especially by helping someone in this way.

+++

and from tarot.com: (to compare)

Emotional issues now weigh on your mind as you sink into an unfamiliar sea of deep feelings. You Rams may be quite capable when it comes to going into action, but right now there may be nothing for you to do except ride the currents and see where they take you. Don't try to be in charge. Instead, respond from your heart.

this is what it was yesterday:

No weak compromises!
Normally this is a very pleasant time with little difficulty. You seek out good times and pleasurable forms of recreation, and you may not feel much like working. In fact, the only real flaw of this influence is that it is not conducive to self-discipline or labor. You will be more interested in your own well-being and in indulging yourself than in accomplishing great works. Obviously, this can be either bad or good according to the circumstances. This influence is usually good for all social interaction and for getting along with people. Love relationships are favorably affected. You will not be very self-assertive today. If you find yourself in conflict with someone, you will compromise rather than fight. Only be careful not to give up something that is important to you.

and from tarot.com:

Partnerships are being emphasized and you might think that all is well. But you may not be seeing the issues in their entirety, even if the information is right in front of your nose. Don't be like the ostrich with your head buried in the sand. Look clearly at what's happening and you'll reap benefits now from your relationships with others.

6:15pm

get your free chart here:

http://www.alabe.com/freechart/

i posted mine at the bottom of this page so you don't have to scroll through it all :)

5:31pm

my horoscope for february is awesome!
(at least the 1st half is :)
*snoopy dance*

5:00pm

mouseover for mandy:

mandy, just got your message on my machine but i don't think you got my email about how i always have my phone unplugged :) my hotmail has proven to be unreliable sometimes, and i don't receive some messages i should get and others don't get email i send sometimes. so i'm trying out gmail to see if that is more reliable, i don't know.
but email me at both places anavoog@gmail.com, too. and tell me what time you are going to be calling so i can plug my phone in at that time :)

4:52pm

i think my cam show will have to have some CAKE! or PIE?
or JELLO? or MILK? or......?
and some mylar balloons, possibly :)
boots? string? water balloons? monkeys?
space aliens? fire?

i've got a link to where they are going to be selling the documentary to download right off the internet! go internet go! :)

but the link isn't working for me...maybe i cut and pasted it incorrectly. it lonnnnnnnngggggggg!
as soon as i get it working i shall give it to you :)

3:59pm

working out the details of the cam show.
it's all good, i just get anxiety and have pms.
i'm planning something really good for the show :)
(which is feb 9th, in case you forgot!)
and they so, graciously and kindly are going to pay me a bit for it, so that makes me relieved as i am 2 months behind on my electric bill. and so it will go towards that, and that calms my nerves considerably.
although i still need to come up with some $ for my server bill.
i will have to pay them in the middle of the month. and i'm going to dye those t shirts and paint on them and crochet long sleeves on some for the next round of bills.
so much to do!!!!!!!!!!!!! *anxiety* breathe breathe breathe!
it will all be fine...everything always works itself out.

thank you universe!

2:45pm

a quite ridiculous "conversation"

thejohnp
man that thing holds EVERYTHING!

ana
um, no, not really :)

thejohnp
well it seems like it
:P

ana
if it makes you happy to think that my pussy would hold EVERYTHING...then...yay for you.
have fun with that thought.

thejohnp
doesn't take much to make me happy, so yes...yay, yay for me!

ana
super :)

thejohnp
superb

ana
supreme

thejohnp
suppertime

ana
tator tots

thejohnp
gimme some of your tots!

ana
washing machine

thejohnp
refrigerator box

ana
telephone wire

thejohnp
urine sample

ana
wasabi peas

thejohnp
rich corinthian leather

ana
humidifier

thejohnp
coinage

ana
genesis

thejohnp
mezzanine

ana
codeine

thejohnp
local on the 8's

ana
dilithium crystal

nwmann
if we can just get the interphasic transducer to operate on a sub-space frequency i just might be able to do it... LOLzthanks for posting these i was actually thinking about how much i missed the toothbrush pic the other day :P

ana
"jim! i'm a doctor not a scientist!"

1:06pm

i sort of had a good dream, in a way. it was still uncomfortable because i think in the dream, a storm was coming, or i wasn't quite sure if i belonged where i was...but basically i was in this very cool house that was a record company owned by this japanese man who in the 60's used to be a mod.
he played me this music that was japanese girls singing and playing 60s garage music but done with all electronics, so it was an all new spin on it. it sounded so cool and their cd cover was so nifty, it folded in on itself at these weird angles, like very new wave origami.
the whole house was gorgeous. the walls were painted salmo pink and this gorgeous sea foam green turquoise and the windows were huge and overlooked very beautiful scenery. it always seemed to be dusk or dawn.
outside on the lawn where all these beautiful pink toys decaying into the super green uncut grass.
i was so excited to take photos of all of it because it was all so surreal with luscious colours.
but i wasn't sure if my camera was in focus or was just about to run our of batteries, so i frantically tried to document it all before my camera would stop functioning.

my explanation of my dream is so inadequate. words cannot really describe the beautiful colous of this house and it's lawn. everything was just saturated. i really want to paint my room these colours now, really badly!

+++

i need to get my act together and write back the documentray film people in canada.
they want to talk to me on the phone and work stuff out.
they want my cam to be projected on a wall behind people giving lectures for 2 to 2 1/2 hours.
i'm kind of irked that i was put into this position by them printing out on their posters that i was to do a live interactive internet installation without me ever saying i would, and even more irked that it's supposed to be 2 or more hours long, because i don't ever do "shows" at a particular time. and especially to do this entirely for free.
if it weren't for the fact that everyone who worked on this documentary are the sweetest most kind bunch of people i have ever worked with in this arena, i would tell them all to forget about it, because that's really presumptuous to put me in this position of doing a 2 hour cam show for free.
but they ARE the sweetest most kind people ever, and so, for THEM, i will do it. in every other way they have treated me with the utmost respect.
but i hope they realize that this isn't just an easy thing for me to do, to whip up a 2 hour + show.
it takes me days to create something like that, think about it, getting things ready, psyching myself up for it.
giving it my all when i'm on cam.
i don't think people realize how physically and mentally exhausting it is for me to do something like that.
i think most people think being on cam is easy.
but to make 240 to 300 interesting and entertaining photos with good composition and good lighting, etc is a difficult task.
plus they want me to chat with people as i do it, and i forgot how truly impossible that is.
i can't chat with people while doing a show. i just can't.
they can have a chat, or they can have a show, they can't have both.
maybe i can do an hour long show and then chat for an hour.
i think i will see what they think of that idea.
that would be far more doable for me.
yes, i think that is a good plan.

alright, i just had to get that off my chest and work it out. it helps to type this out to work out the logistics of this.
i really do want to do the best job possible for these people because i love them and i think the documentary is wonderfully done. i can really tell it was a labour of love and i want to help it be as successful as it can be. i do this for aerlyn (the producer) because she rocks.

12:00am

oh yes, another meme:

Twenty BANDS/performers THAT YOU HAVE SEEN LIVE (in no order)
20. the sugarcubes
19. david bowie
18. the legendary pink dots
17. the pretty things
16. pink floyd
15. nina hagen
14. robyn hitchcock and the egyptians
13. stereolab
12. the replacements
11. the las
10. siouxie and the banshees
9. jane's addiction
8. the sundays
7. devo
8. the who
7. my bloody valentine
6. steve marriott of the small faces
5. wire
4. the buzzcocks
3. love and rockets
2. cocteau twins
1. the prisoners

NINE THINGS THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO (in no order)
09. getting my taxes over and done with
08. getting my house uncluttered and organized and feng shuied
07. spring
06. my hair growing 6 more inches
05. duran duran in march
04. recording new music this winter
03. getting in better shape, physically
02. seeing ducky when she comes here
01. sewing deconstructive clothing

EIGHT THINGS THAT YOU WEAR DAILY (in no order)
08. leggings
07. socks
06. big soft sweaters
05. my watch
04. my bracelet
03. long sleeved t shirt
02. fuzzy hat
01. helly kitty slippers

SEVEN THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU (in no order)
07. viciousness thinly veiled as "witty sarcasm"
05. people who think they are too entitled
04. people who take things for granted
03. too much small talk
02. drive by posters/trolls
01. strangers who stare at me

SIX THINGS THAT YOU TOUCH EVERYDAY (in no order)
06 my dogs
05 jason
04 my computer
03 my toothbrush
02 the toilet
01 my bed

FIVE MOVIES THAT YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER (in no order)
05 bladerunner
04 the 5th element
03 the wizard of oz
02 valleygirl
01 wings of desire

FOUR PEOPLE WHO YOU'D WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH (in no order)
04 my dad
03 jason
02 elaine
01 carolyn

THREE CDs THAT YOU LISTENED TO LAST
03. queen adreena "drink me"
02. queen adreena "taxidermy"
01. donnie darko soundtrack

TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS EVER
02. see emily play by pink floyd
01. new toy by lene lovich
(how can i only pick 2??)

ONE PERSON THAT YOU WOULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH
01. jason

+++++

April 18 1966
11:58 AM Time Zone is CST
St Paul, MN

Rising Sign is in 09 Degrees Leo
You love to be the center of attention and you want to appear strong, confident and dominant. You are very proud of yourself, sometimes quite vain even. When all around you are bedraggled and falling apart, you look like a million bucks! Very dignified and honorable, you enjoy the power and privilege, but not the responsibilities, that come with leadership. You are very idealistic but can also be quite stubborn. Others impress you only if they have integrity (but wealth, power and influence can also turn your head). You prefer rich, elegant surroundings and possessions, and will try to acquire them as your budget allows. Physically, you are very impressive - - at your best you have a regal, charismatic demeanor and bearing. Try not to be such a showoff!

Sun is in 28 Degrees Aries.
By nature, you are very energetic and high-spirited. You are fiercely independent -- you must be first in everything you do, and you enjoy taking risks. You are the one who will rush in where angels fear to tread. Quite brilliant at initiating new projects, you are terrible at following them through to completion. You are an enthusiastic leader but you tend to be a reluctant follower. Often you are quick to anger, but you usually recover just as fast, regretting later things you said when you were upset. One of your best traits is that you are simple and direct, blunt and honest -- just be careful you do not hurt others' feelings. Your need to be competitive at all costs may provoke resistance from others, but, as long as you maintain your usual Sunny good humor, this should not prove to be a major problem for you.

Moon is in 04 Degrees Aries.
High-spirited and courageous, you are a fighter when your emotions are aroused. The degree of force and drive that you can bring to any effort sometimes surprises others. You have hair-trigger reactions to specific stimuli and tend to "let it all hang out." You sometimes act before you think and do things on the spur of the moment, and that sometimes gets you into trouble. Your moods change quickly -- you have quite a temper, but you don't hold grudges. Very independent, with an extremely strong and forceful personality, you are known for being impulsive, careless, reckless, foolhardy, rash and daring.

Mercury is in 00 Degrees Aries.
Very quick-witted, you are known for being an independent thinker. You love to debate and argue, and are excellent at repartee and battles of wits. At times, however, you act too fast on hastily formed opinions and thus waste a lot of energy defending your rash and sometimes incorrect conclusions. It is perfectly acceptable for you to defend your beliefs with your usual vigor, but try not to take the opinions of others as personal insults.

Venus is in 12 Degrees Pisces.
You have a dreamy, fanciful, romantic nature and a very creative imagination. Indeed, at times, your private fantasies are more appealing than the reality around you and it is difficult for you to leave them. You tend to be unselfish and giving in relationships and are extremely sensitive of the needs of others. Be very sure that those you help are worthy of your devotion and are not merely taking advantage of your innocence and naivete.

Mars is in 00 Degrees Taurus.
Careful, slow and thorough about all that you do, at times you are also willful and stubborn when others try to alter your course. You are definitely not a quitter -- you will work long and hard to get what you want. Your possessions are very important to you. One of your continuing problems is that you tend to regard the significant people in your life much the same way as you do your possessions -- you become overly attached and much too jealous. You repress your anger when you get upset and that is not healthy. Try to learn to show your anger immediately in order to avoid painful explosions later.

Jupiter is in 26 Degrees Gemini.
You have a logical, detached, objective view of most things. Your interests are wide-ranging and you are an avid student, with expertise in many different areas. You love to work things out in your mind -- everything you do is reduced to an exercise in logic and reason. You have the ability to grasp abstractions and to deal successfully with the larger issues of life. Your overemphasis on developing your powerful intellect can cause your emotional and intuitive abilities to atrophy unless you consciously choose to exercise them.

Saturn is in 24 Degrees Pisces.
Your tendency to think that your life is out of control is based on an unreasonable fear, probably connected with an unfortunate experience with the person who filled the father figure role in your early life. Learn to take responsibility here and now for your own life. Try to stop having unrealistic expectations about guide figures. Remember that they are merely human, with all the same faults and self-doubts that you have. When you get confused or uncertain, try to simplify your lifestyle -- things will then become easier to bear.

Uranus is in 16 Degrees Virgo.
You, and all your peers, will be known for the degree of intensity with which you dislike normal everyday routines and chores. You will go out of your way to invent innovative, unique and timesaving ways to perform the various mundane routines and duties of living. You will be attracted to all manner of practical and useful gadgets -- anything that will make your daily life more exciting.

Neptune is in 21 Degrees Scorpio.
You, and your entire generation, are extremely interested in anything deep and mysterious. You will explore and idealize the benefits that can accrue from the study of the occult, healing and psychology. You are willing to experiment with substances like drugs in order to push your understanding of your inner being to the extreme.

Pluto is in 16 Degrees Virgo.
For your entire generation, this will be a time when profound changes in society's attitude toward work, duty and responsibility will be initiated. Radical changes in attitudes toward personal health and general nutrition will be promulgated and gain wide acceptance and practice.

N. Node is in 25 Degrees Taurus.
It's not in your nature to seek out many casual acquaintances in your daily round of activities. You feel much more comfortable with a small, close-knit group of people -- those with whom you can relax and work toward known and clearly defined goals. Your loyalty to a person or group, once given, is forever -- you'll expend all of your quite considerable energy in seeing that the group stays together and prospers. You choose your partners and relationships so carefully that you're bound to gain certain advantages from them, including those of a material nature. Be careful though not to let mere self-service be your motivation in establishing your connections -- make sure that there's an even give-and-take!

++++

here is an online tarot spread i did for the question "what will be the outcome of if i do the fashion show in may?"

Your Interpretations:

Crown: Knight of Wands

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
A new journey of discovery is about to be embarked upon with optimism and high spirits.

The card in the Crown position reflects an aspect of who YOU are right now, as you present yourself to the Tarot experience.

The Knight of Wands (in some decks, a Prince) in this position indicates readiness for a voyage of discovery. You are prepared for the journey, your effects are in order, you are in great shape and the excitement of departure prevails.

Inside there is a powerful feeling of youthful idealism, as well as a bit of daring naivete -- you have no idea if this is going to be difficult or not, but those problems are tomorrow's problems. Today the energy is high, spirits are bright, the sky is clear and if there ever was a heroic and noble impulse in you, you are getting a chance to express it now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Contemplation: Six of Coins

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
A gap between have's and have-not's challenges the imagination to improve relationships between people.

The card that lands in the Contemplation position refers to the social or environmental circumstances you find yourself in with regard to your concern.

The Six of Coins in this position points to some kind of imbalance in a social or family situation. This could have to do with a specific relationship or a sub-culture you are involved with. Either way, such a predicament can be frustrating because no amount of effort seems to make much difference.

It's always challenging to help those who are currently dependent rise to a position of equality. Change can seem threatening in an unbalanced situation where all participants have become too comfortable with a one-way flow of energy or resources. The challenge for those who are empowered is to extend assistance in an empowering way, in a way that supports greater autonomy and self-sufficiency rather than dependency. Beware of patronizing attitudes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Activation: King of Cups

The card that lands in the Activation position refers to possible challenges and opportunities that may arise with regard to your concern.

When the King of Cups is in this position, you are challenged to find the wise, kind and spiritual part of yourself. Bring this mature king energy forward so you can evoke, direct or support the education or healing that is needed. Use forgiveness to help yourself and others lift out of sorrow, shame or unfinished business, reassuring all, including yourself, as to how precious they are.

This King of Cups is akin to a pope: he bestows blessings, benedictions and absolutions. He helps people heal by reminding them of their inherent nobility. As you discover and activate this inner king, lend moral support to those around you. In doing so, you will benefit as well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wisdom: Ace of Wands

The card in the Wisdom position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background.

The Ace of Wands in this position indicates a long-held strong sense of centeredness coupled with an ability to recognize within yourself what is real and right for you. This is a clear sign that your self-will is intact.

Don't do anything to compromise that natural internal barometer. Your inherent sensibilities will serve you every day of your life, so don't tamper with them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Discipline: Nine of Wands

The card in the Discipline position refers to events that are just departing, recently influential but now diminishing in power It is time to move beyond them.

When the Nine of Wands is in this position, a period of taxing demands and exhaustion has just come to a close. Even though something may have been achieved, there was an emotional and physical cost. Analyze recent events, and see if there is a way to do the same thing next time with less struggle and anguish.

As we mature, we gain the acumen to work smarter, not harder. Use the most natural means to achieve your goals. Depend less upon raw willpower and aggression. Focus on creating a success that produces a better quality of life. Let your energy be freed up for more aesthetic and spiritual pursuits.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heart: Queen of Swords

The card in the Heart position reflects the broader perspective and influence of your conscience, Guardian Angel, inner wisdom.

When the Queen of Swords comes up in this position, your inner grandmother is taking her throne. Male or female, we all have living within us a wise crone or powerful Queen of Heaven figure, a mature mother archetype. She is stepping forward now in your own psyche. Her higher reasoning is flowing into your consciousness, helping you see things in a broader way.

This involves a peeling away of appearances to yield a clearer disclosure of core issues. She is trying to remind you about what is true, what works and what you can do to positively affect your situation. Don't resist her; accept her influence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cycles: Page of Cups

The card in the Cycles position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies.

The Page of Cups (in some decks, a Princess) in this position could be starting over again in a new field he or she is excited to be entering, although it could be quite different from any previous area of expertise. This change could make a difference in the quality of both relationships and spiritual life.

Because the character of this card denotes a learning attitude, it might be seen as both a step backward and a step forward. Compare this to the transition between being a high school senior and a freshman in college -- it's an advancement and demotion at the same time.

This card represents the part of you that is a student of the spiritual and emotional depths of life. As such, the change you make could teach you much about what is essential, what is most important to you, and those you care about. Be open to this learning and you will never regret that you achieved it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waking Up: The Star

The card in the Waking Up position points to self-undermining tendencies, areas where you could be in denial, where you could get stuck, unless you examine yourself and make some corrections

When the Star appears in this position, you may believe that good things never happen to you. In some ways you stand in the way of your natural brightness, goodness and truth.

Remember that the same love and service you extend to those around you is also being held for you. Try not to discount or resist your blessings.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Safety Net: Ten of Wands

The card in the Safety Net position points to people and resources who can be supportive or helpful to you at this time

The Ten of Wands in this position suggests that you have a counterpart in your environment who can reflect your own hidden, pure, wiser self. This person understands what you are going through because he or she has been there.

This guide can be an effective sounding board, can help you shape your reasoning and provide strong support when you are wavering in your resolve, feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. This ally holds the mirror to your inner achievements. Draw strength from this person who will remind you why you bother to tax yourself for the sake of your ideals.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Outcome: Three of Cups

© Tarot.com

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Allow your heart to lead you to fulfilling relationships that can help you achieve your highest good.

The card in the Outcome position points to unknowns still taking shape. It is the "wild card" yet to be played.

With the Three of Cups in this position, there is potential for re-discovering the emotionally nourishing aspects of relationship, if you trust your heart with the people opening up to you now. Such interactions make all the difference in your quality of life.

This card illustrates the principle behind such phrases as "Do what you love, the money will follow." The best way to get what your heart desires, is to give it to others. You are attracted to the best people, doing your best work, and expressing your highest ideals when you are in a supportive environment. The art of true friendship is an experience that is cultivated by repetition and refinement. Make sure you spend enough time with the people who make up your extended family, including your friends. They are essential in ways that you may only fully appreciate in retrospect.