january 29th, 2005
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11:12pm

someone used the past thing at me yesterday, as in "you were so enchanting".
not meaning it to be an insult...but one of those things i expect to hear as i get older..."you used to be so beautiful".
*sigh*
of course all this person does for a living is photograph 20 somethings and under, and he's not a deep person...so well...his loss for not seeing i am actually just as enchanting if not more...but ya...i can feel it starting.
soon i will fall off the male radar...and maybe that will be a unique experience for me to be invisible as i have always wished to be (but only when i want to be, not as some permanent condition). watching from the sidelines.
each metamorphisis of me brings new sadnesses but also new gifts.

on the other hand, weirdly, some VERY young 20 year old or younger boy tried to get my phone # a few weeks ago, but i, of course, declined. but i couldn't help but play the mrs. robinson song in my head and go wtf, i'm old enough to be your mom!

i'm at a strange point in my life.

it helps that mostly all my women idols are older than i am...
madonna, lene lovich, nina hagen, toyah, debbie harry...
it really helps a lot, actually.

i still go back and forth on whether or not i will get a facelift someday in the future.
and i try to talk myself into NOT getting one...but i think, truthfully, i try to talk myself into not getting one because i won't be able to afford it.
well, that, and the last time i was put under was a scary experience. the 1st time was blissful...the 2nd time i think something went wrong and they were quite worried about me.
i remember sort of waking up and their worried faces and i instinctively said to them "my lips are blue , aren't they?"
to which they either slightly nodded, or nodded in their heads, or i just "felt" them nod that "yes they were indeed, blue.

but at least i know if i were to die, that would be a nice way. very painless.

but ya, is it worth it to put your life in jeapordy like that for a few more years of "youthful appearance"?

probably not...but the punk rock rebel or the cowardly person or the daredevil or whoever it is in me..says "hey ya, go for it, why not?"

but anyway...that isn't something i have to deal with just now exactly but it's not too far in the future either.
but really, it how much i can afford that will decide.

i'm not really feeling down, as much as this entry might think i am feeling that.
i'm just a weird person who thinks morbidly frank thoughts along with my happy faerie thoughts.

patti smith auto portrait 2003

she looks kind of like john cale.

10:11pm

last night watched "the secret life of dentists". i recommend!
and today some weird one called "hysteria" with patrick mcgoohan in it!
and now "the birdman from alcatraz"

sewing sequins on the hat. sewing sequins on is a very slow process but they look so pretty :)

3:16pm

it's weird how all this art punk no wave is coming back full steam ahead.
i would have never in a million years thought it would make a comeback.
it's awesome :)

3:05pm

2:53pm

sucking down music:
soundtracks to being john malkovich and adaptation and donnie darko.
getting some stuff from the dears, 'cause helena showed me 2 cool songs by them :) but what i am getting is stuff that sounds very different than what she showed me.
listening to queen adreena, only 4 more songs to get!
very inspiring :)
taking everything in. wondering if the music i write will sound like a cross between gary numan and queen adreena.
ha :)
i have no idea.
but i am cultivating the seeds of sounds in my mind.
whitish grey saturday
cherry coke for breakfast at noon.
i must pay my phone bill.

12:00am