january 25th, 2005

btw, "bad santa" was a TERRIBLE movie!

the more i think about it, i do not think i should audition for this INXS thing. i DO think i could get on the show. but i wouldn't want to do it because i want to be on the show but because i would want to BE the lead singer of INXS more than anything else in the world right now.
and you know, i really like INXS, and i'm sure, if i won (*snort* :), it would be incredibly fun and i'd have some cash and get to travel. but i don't LOVE INXS really enough. and i don't think i would win...because i think they probably are looking for a guy, ultimately, and because i don't WANT it THAT bad...and if you don't want it that bad...you aren't going to get it. i want to travel and the money and the adventure, but it, for me, would be really creatively unfulfilling, i think, to be in a band i don't totally adore with all my heart. oh! and i don't think i can sing as low as michael did.
i'll have to bust out some of their songs and see if i can. i'm curious.

now courtney love's band. i was WAY more into that idea. i actually like almost all her songs and could play them night after night.
as the bass player...so i was not the focus.

but to be the FOCUS, the LEAD SINGER of INXS?
THAT would be intense. for a position like that, you better ADORE each and every song they have every written as if it were your very own.
and i just couldn't do that.
you better live and breathe INXS , and they had better be your most favourite band in the entire world, almost.
and i just don't have that love for them in me enough.
and they really deserve a lead singer who ADORES them to pieces.
someone who dreamt of being the lead singer of INXS all their life.
and that is just not me.

i really LIKE INXS but i do not LOVE and ADORE INXS.
so..i would not be right for them...even if i could make it onto the show. and i probably could make it on. but i don't want to be on tv just to be on tv, not in a show like that.
i cannot live and breathe INXS.

although it is fun and thrilling to think about :)
the reality of it would not be as thrilling for me.

i'm going to be making my own music this winter.
i need to do that. that excites me more.

now if duran duran were looking for a lead singer....

:) that would be a different story :)

i ADORE duran duran and could do them much better justice :)

11:32pm

thank you to the people who have faith i could audition without the hair. well, of course i could :)
i just need the hair. i do. i know that may sound weird or lame to you, but so be it.
the visual aspect of things is just as important as the sound aspect of things.
and if i can't present myself visually in the way that i want and need it to be, then i'd rather not do it, because to ME, that would be 1/2 assed. and i don't like to do things half assed.
i have to present myself 100% in the way that i see.
just as you would not go to audition to be a lawyer without a suit, i would not go audition to be the lead singer of a major rock band without the knowledge that i LOOKED like the lead singer of a major rock band.
that is just the way it is with me. the visual of things is just as important to me as every other aspect of it.
not all musicians/singers are this way, but i am.
i was very upset when columbia took the making of the record cover away from me. it was like they decided what my baby would look like, i got to make the soul, but they got to make the body.
of course the soul is more important than the body, but dangit, while on earth...the soul and the body are one, in many respects.
and the way that i make my records is that i create the cover 1st, then the album.
i'm weird like that. i do everything backwards.
and if i can't present myself visually the way i need to and want to, then the rest will suffer as well.
call me a temperamental artist or vain or whatever u want :)
but lead singers of rock bands (at least ones that are fabulous) are kind of like that, so there :)
i think michael hutchence would have agreed!
i mean the band is called INXS (in EXCESS)
you just don't show up for an audition to be the lead singer of INXS and NOT have THEE most fabulous hair on the face of the planet, and that is all there is to it!
believe me, i'm a rock star, i should know :)
and believe me, i know how the music biz and entertainment biz works!
i've already been there and done that. i know what i am talking about.
if you don't look the part, you can forget it.
to be the lead singer of a major rock band like INXS you have to look fierce. and i feel fierce and look fierce when i have the dreads.
maybe you'd just have to have the dreads to know what i mean, and be me. and to have gone through what i went through with the music biz.

*flicks wrist in a mick jagger way*

7:22pm

on feb 1st they are auditioning here for the reality tv show where they are looking for the new lead singer of INXS.
if i had the $ to get my hair done in synth dreads (to look to total rock star part in big way) i would totally try out, seriously :)
i think i could get on that show, no problem :)

6:53pm

jason is going to come over soon and we are going to watch "bad santa"
but american idol is also on at 7, so conflict :)

6:33pm

ok, well, i did get down and go on the treadmill for 25 minutes. yay me.
i feel like an IDIOT in there. so uncomfortable.
all the other people in there trying to pretend everyone else does not exist.
no one says hi. no one talks. no one acknowledges anyone else.
and another anorexic looking woman on the stairmaster.
maybe she is not anorexic...maybe she just has a high metabolism.
i looked like that naturally , at one time, but then again when i looked like that naturally you would have never ever in a billion years found me in a gym working out on a stairmaster or working out like that period.
so just the fact that she was bone thin and on the stairmaster has been questioning.
i mean, being thin does not equal being in shape, so maybe she just wants to make sure she is in good shape...cardio and all that.
still red flags go up in me when i see that.
i couldn't even stretch in there after, i just wanted out of there.

i'm listening to keane.

time vs. money

i took 2 people off my friends list because of their answers in my poll thing.
on person said i was closeminded and vitriolic.
and the other said i was dire and that the real me was "rachel". couldn't even spell my legal name correctly.
it irritates me to no end when people try to say they think they know me by saying my legal name.
as if i am a name. and if you can't even spell it correctly, then that is even worse.

5:10pm

i really need to redesign my entire site.
ya...like i will find the time to do that....
but i really really need to.
what is my deal today?

total procrastination city!

4:57pm

yikes

http://www.livejournal.com/community/yoga/345852.html

4:04pm

ha, i haven't made it through this playlist yet...but i now i am at paul young's version of "love will tear us apart".
and yes, it's just like you would imagine...terrible!

i will blame my not getting much done today on the fact that i had a headache and i have just NOW found the aspirin, finally. urgh.

i can't believe there are actually people who think it would be better to convict an innocent person then let a guilty person go free. i'd bet they'd change their tune pretty quickly if that innocent person were themselves!

i'm thinking of making a soup. a beef, oinion, curry, sweet potato one again.
maybe.

making soup always cheers me up and makes me feel i've done something worthwhile.

my dreams really permeate my waking life and affect me greatly.
or perhaps it's the other way around.

i ate a vat of nonfat vanilla yogurt for breakfast.
made some jasmine green tea with honey.

off to clean the kitchen a bit. load the dishwasher, put in a load of laundry.
jason will be home soon and then it's to the treadmill like 2 ridiculous hamsters.

i always just feel insanely stupid on a treadmill.
it makes me feel like i live inside a cage and am completely divorced from the earth.
but i am going to lose these last damn 8 pounds like i have been saying for the past year (or 2 years now? i lose track)

gwen stefani is a terrible lyricist..or whoever wrote her lyrics. bloody awful that. *english accent for no reason*

but i still love her.

 

3:46pm

take or view my poll:

http://ana.livejournal.com/1478192.html

(yes, i am procrastinating today)

3:43pm

this makes me happy :)


jumpingpictures

and chocolate sushi!

http://www.kookisushi.com/gift/gift.htm

i want!!!

(btw, you should join foodplay :)

+++

this makes me sad:

Bush Wants $80B More for Iraq, Afghan Wars

As Congress started to digest a new Bush administration request of $80 billion to bankroll wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, its top budget analyst on Tuesday projected $855 billion in deficits for the next decade even without the costs of war and Bush's Social Security plan.

+++

Report: Global Warming at Critical Point

Global warming is approaching the point of no return, after which widespread drought, crop failure and rising sea levels will be irreversible, an international climate change task force warned Monday.

2:39pm

i'm listening to my 40 versions of "love will tear us apart" playlist.
and thinking i better eat something and do something with this day.

2:34pm

gifs by oyo

2:24pm

explorateur's icon :)

1:47pm

i wish there was a way i could download my dreams onto a disk so i could then watch them over and see them when i am awake so i could understand and remember them better.

each dream i have is so heavy on symbolism, it's just movies and pictures and symbols within movies and pictures and symbols within movies and pictures and symbols...
in my dream i was looking at 3d postcards and i know if i could just go back and look at even one of those postcards it would be chock full fo great information for me.

my dream was mostly i was living in this huge victorian house and one of my x boyfriends was still stalking me outside.
i kept checking to make sure all the doors and windows were locked. but i knew he could bust through them anyway.
he was in the backyard with binoculars and with a flimsy sort of piece of screen in front of him for camoflauge.
i went out and found him there and ripped the screen away from him and began interrogating him and yelling at him.
i had a few men police officers with me who seemed rather unhelpful but at least they were there and had flashlights.
i dicovered this x boyfriend had stolen many of my belongings. and i furiously started grabbing them all away from him. and i even took his belongings, too, like journals he had and stuff to try and gain incite into his mind so i could be more prepared to fight him in the future, if i had to.
some of the 3D postcards that he had were dreams that we had together about how our life might be in the future, happy plans, and i looked at them quickly and said "i remember this...but i don't want these anymore...you can have them" and i threw them back at him even tho that made me sad because there were pieces of me in there i had forgotten about. all i remember of the photos is that they were of the sea, and dolphins, and i was in the front as isis (or some eqyptian goddess) with a snake in each of my hands. and we were wading through the sea, like a parade, with dolphins following and leaping. it was beautiful but also very heavy and dark like some great black and white movie full of myths. (but i could see the colour version of it ,too, simultaneously).
but there was a lot i did take back. stacks and stacks of stuff. the men helped me drag it back inside.
i don't know what it all was because in my dream i didn't get to sort through it yet, i was just grabbing it away and putting it into piles and then the men would help to carry it back inside.

i knew i needed to make a police report of this and either my mother or a friend gave me 2 numbers to call. the 1st one was something like "child care services" and i didn't know if i had dialed the right number when a grumpy unhelpful man answered the phone. and i asked as politely as i could what this place was and what is was about and what services did they provide, as i was trying to discern if this was even the right number to call, and i asked if you had to be a child for them to help you. and i don't even remember what they said, they were just really unhelpful and wouldn't say much. so i decided to try and describe what happened to me to see if that would help them to tell me if they could help me or not, and before i could get even 4 words in about the incident, this man said to me "waaa, waaa, waaa" and then hung up on me. (like crying like a baby). so basically just blowing me off and insulting me as if to say "women and their whining like a baby...how boring and insignificant". it was just awful.
but i was used to this kind of treatment so i wasn't crushed by it, i was just pissed.
and the second number was the police, but they were already with me, helping me carry stuff in, but i didn't see any one of them making a report about it or arressting this x-boyfriend or giving him a warning or anything.
so i just felt unsafe. but it was better than nothing. at least they had made their presence known on my property, even tho it hadn't been a very powerful effect.

and then the 2nd part of this dream in this house involved finding and vacuuming the moths.
and i did find a whole bunch of webs and eggs they had made on the stairs, and i was so glad those were easily accessible to be vacuumed. but then i had to vacuum all these shelves that were full of dusty books and the insides of the house, almost, all these pipes and wires and i wondered if my vacuum cleaner bag was getting too full.
and again, i had this guy helping me who was moaning behind my back like the old dad in "everybody loves raymond", just pissing and moaning about "women and their cleaning".

and i kept having to stop vacuuming every now and then because it was also like i was in a war and evil could come busting though my door at any minute so i would switch the vacuum off to listen to the sounds of the house and see if everything was alright and that i was still safe to vacuum. it was almost like i expected vampires to come leaping down at me any minute.

anyway...what an exhausting dream. and i'd have to say that was a pretty accurate depiction of my not so subconscious mind. exhausting.


1:40pm

stream of consciousness from last night:

awkward little rocks

testing the waters of drowned horses swimming upstream in pink tights. insecurity tea for breakfast with a slice of pie wondering ridiculous where i'd be if i hadn't done that that way that tie that that that all about that who cares move on be here now and la la blah blah. monster makers in my sheets keep me company dunno what i'm going to do about the slice of scry in the wall sliding down from years ago landslide mindslide bending backwards to go forwards. never used to be this way yet it always was.
freaked out cocaine user in the backdrop sniffling away needlessly on a doorfront and i gotta say hi. it's just that, just for the sake lingering forward old man and his drool and tightly clenched fingers blue on the knob blue into me. become transparent now. star ahead pay no mind. i feel these things as i walk buy the cold dead woman on the stairmaster stares straight ahead stare master soul blaster.
i'll where me pink furry cape when i meet you tonight in the snow castle on the left my hair in curlers with lemon hummus and a glass of tap water straight from the mississippi. someday i'll show you the ruins of all my favourite places i don't want to sleep and go back to the rapids. wild eyed horse eye last breath. i better not slip. my words push out of me like awkward little rocks.