january 16th, 2005
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7:11pm

sorry i haven't been on cam much today.
i haven't been feeling well and jason has been over.
we've been watching "the office", a bbc comedy series, and now we are going to watch the 2nd 1/2 of
once upon a time in america", with robert de niro.
i'm starting to feel a bit better now, tho :)

12:00am

dancing and standing nude in the sun in the thing room.
dogs running around, drinking water out of a mason jar.

strawberries for breakfast, soup ingredients, rye from latvia.

it took me 2 days to make this soup with a pork roast, organic carrots, mini new red potatoes, fresh basil,
red sweet onion, fresh garlic, curry, salt, pepper.
and it was a total FAILURE!
arrrrrrrrgh.
the pork roast was good....but NOT good the bext day to make a soup with.
it got all stringy and made the texture of the soup completely gross :(
i was so bummed because it was a project i worked so hard on and was so sure would rule as my last soup did.
it needs more salt...maybe some chili powder or tobasco , too.
but the pork....all stringy..tastes GOOD....texture BAD.
now i know. live and learn.
i wish i had a strainer to strain the pork from the rest of the soup.
i might pick it all out with a fork or something.

OR i am going to add a lot of flour to this and then bake into dog biscuits.
i know that sounds weird, but i think it would work.
maybe i have a new vocation in dog biscuit making.

i don't know....i'll decide tomorrow.

all i know is i have a VAT of soup that tastes good but the texture is gross.
*cry*
it took me 2 days and cost maybe 30 bucks.
not a major loss, but still a small bummer.
good to learn tho.
and the dog biscuits may be a new venture!

my dad did finally write me back. he says of the dream

"Yes, it was a scary dream. I'm glad that you are okay. I dreamed that
you were being assaulted by the devil. I mean it! That was why you asked
if you had been baptized. When I realized what was taking place (in my
dream) I held you really tight and then the whole room began to shake
like you see in those demonic movies. We prayed the Lord's Prayer and
then I woke up. My heart was beating so fast. I tried to get back to
sleep but I couldn't because I thought the dream might be a warning that
you were in some kind of trouble. I didn't want to alarm you but at the
same time I didn't want to take any chances either. You're sure you are
okay? Okay!"

then a bunch of other stuff that i don't feel i should share.

i've never had a dad that shielded me from "trouble"
so for him to write this to me is like healing butter for my soul.
i'm glad that if it came right "down to the wire" , that my dad would hold me and protect me.
that's all i have ever wanted.
i don't even care if he "succeeds" or "fails" but just that he TRIES and holds me.
that's all that matters and i cry as i type that.
i just want to know he cares. i know he does.

but i haven't had a "figure" in my life who took a stand against "evil" that wasn't just my mom saying " you are going to go to hell for being bisexual".

i have always wanted a dad who stood up for me...
and this is the only evidence EVER that i have a dad that would sheild me and hold me against it. i have had to be not only my own mother but my own father.

*tears*

i don't know how to write me dad back from that without "freaking him out" and making him retreat from me.

there is so much i want to say to him. i want to hold him and to hold him forever, he is really the one who needs to be held and protected.
everyone needs that, really.

i don't know...maybe i am wrong....
but something is off, and i know i am not able to fix it alone.

i love my dad so much, he is such a special being.

i know i overly romanticize him, too.
i know i do...

but fuck...

i can't say any more words now.
it goes beyond words.

my mother....

i think about her every minute of every day....