january 3rd, 2005
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wigs and boots (and 1 space helmet) i found on acewigs.com that i love and want!
well, the boots i NEED. like as in NEED.

1st of all tho, it's really weird that this IS my hair:

seriously, that is EXACTLY what my hair looks like if i just blow dry it.
of course it was in the clown section called "silly boy"

 

6:34pm

fish products of sweden:

i need to get a better picture of the can on the right. that little family.
so 40's :)
but i couldn't get the camera to focus. and then it ran out of batteries and i can't get the battery door to open :/
this is just NOT my day.

 

6:05pm

i need more gentleness in my life.
gentleness.
i will still continue to cultivate and search for it as much as i can.

5:26pm

wonderful email of the day:

"please remove me from your list. I can't stand your
liberal foul mouth anymore. To celebrate the death of
Reagan was a low even for you. I just signed up to
see your tits for free,...but I can assure you they
are not worth the price of admission."

i love how they can't even figure out how to unsubscribe from the list that they subscribed themselves to.

that is in response to my post to the list about my summary of 2004
that i wrote at 1:11am.
and my carefully compiled list of thumbnails i made for everyone.

well, i've changed the name of the file now so no one on that list knows the url anymore. why share my stuff with a list of 7,000 people who say nothing when i give them that except this one person here who bitches at me for receiving something for free that HE subscribed to? fuck that.

i get emails like this every day, pretty much :/
yay.

i'm having a hard time staying in a good mood today in the face of these things. sometimes it wears me down.

but i'll be fine. it's just a minor bump in my day.

still, i wonder how many people would stay feeling very positive if they were constantly yelled at like that every day for years.
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
some days it gets to me. y'know?
i'm not made of steel.

some days i just want to delete that list.
so many of them on there are just rancid assholes.

 

5:14pm

who's your daddy?
a new reality tv show on tonight.

SYNOPSIS:
"Given up for adoption as a child, a woman gets a chance to win $100,000 by identifying her birth father from among a group of impostors before he reveals himself."

that is just SO harsh! wtf??

4:55pm

it's very ironic that i am sitting here wearing a colonial style party wig as i was just bitching about some people's sense of entitlement. i wish i could find where my glitter eye mask went. it would go great with this.
did i give that away? i might have.
i also got a sweet xmas postcard from ducky. i lurve her :)

4:44pm

i received this awesome kooky colonial wig from jae!:

i will definitely make some cool photos with it :)
thanks jae!!

it's fabu and cheers me :)

 

4:24pm

ok, enough crabbiness.
i think i just need to eat something.
and speaking of eating something i'm going to gather food to give to the foodshelf.
they are collecting food for it downstairs.
and i need to pay my rent, too.

3:53pm

PMS! rrrrrrrrrrrr.

i can't believe this guy just emailed me and wanted me to email him ALL my mp3s for FREE. wtf? i'm so sure.
like i have time to spend my entire afternoon emailing him ALL my mp3s for FREE even. grr!
why do some people feel they are so entitled?

 

2:26pm

i'm still getting used to typing 2005. i keep wanting to type 2003, for some reason.
all of 2004 i wanted to type 2003 , too, i think. maybe the older i get the more i can't remember what year i am in?
they all kind of run together.

and this site is getting bigger and bigger. i keep going over my storage on my server and getting charged for extra storage. it helped to move my music and anamates off to a different place, thanks to btripp.
but i am going to have to move even more off to somewhere else, i have no idea where.
or else i am going to have to start deleting years off of here and then selling them as cds for a couple of bucks for you all (if you want them), or something. and just keep a "best of" of that year up on here.
i put 7,000 pictures up in here last year. if i keep going at that rate the storage is going to get mighty expensive.
and i want to make more movies, too.

it irks me, tho. i don't want to take anything off! and how do i make a best of? it sucks.
as you know me, i hate summarizing.

i also hate making cds. i never did figure out my cd burner, i'm still back in the cassette age.
and last time i tried to use it , it did not work properly.
and i don't have the energy, $, or know-how to figure out what is wrong with it or get a new one.

and how do i archive 1997 and 1998?

i didn't really have anagrams back then, so i have journal entries in one section and pictures in another.
i wonder if everything from 1997 and 1998 would even make it on one cd.

all i know is that i cannot just keep adding year after year of anagrams and not expect to pay a lot for it in storage.

it's weird to think i have been doing this for as long as i have.

i also wish i had the energy to somehow match the pictures in the archive to the journal entries in those 1st few years to make them more like anagrams.

and i wish i had the energy to write a summary of a few words about each anagram with the link, so that when i wanted to go back and find certain times of my life, i could find it easily.
right now, i just click willy nilly until i find what i am looking for.

i wish i had the money to afford to pay someone to help me with all of this.

and make a book out of it.

there is so much to do. i need 10 of me.
and i still need to vacuum the confetti off my floor from new years.

and taxes! arrrrgh.

i really do need a helper badly. and all the photos from the past before i had my cam to scan.
and i don't even have the scanner hooked up to my computer.
and where is the software?

and ye olde typing out of all the old journals i have that i still want done.

and all the sorting through and scanning and typing of all the articles i have been in.

and also wanting to make a compliation dvd of all the video footage i have of live shows i've done and tv and stuff.

it's ridiculous how much i have to do someday.

i wish some person would fall out of the sky to help me who just wanted to do it for the love of it.

but i suppose it's incredibly vain of me to think that would ever happen.

i do not like to go back into the past and sort through it and file it and summarize it.
i like to move ever forward.

that's why i don't even do prints of my photos.

i'm like, i made that YESTERDAY, why would i want to fiddle with it TODAY? i have NEW pictures to take today. i don't want to be printing out things i did yesterday.

if only someone would drop out of the sky who actually loved my work and saw there was MONEY in it for them to help me because we could sell this stuff!

why no one sees this opportunity and grabs it in all the years i have told people about all this stuff i have that would make great dvds and books, i have seriously no clue as to why.
it just sems to not be "in the cards" that this should be done, for whatever reason that i cannot see at this moment.

i have to think everything happens for a reason and so there must be some good reason that no one sees the hidden treasure in my stuff.

either people are blind or i place far too much importance on my work and think of my stuff as way more entertaining than it actually is. the former and the latter being equally depressing concepts.

or else my lesson is that i have to do all of this by myself.
i really have no clue.

it just seems that i always have to make it myself and then SHOW people for them to get it.
and THEN they go "ohhhhhhh, i get it now". and i'm like DUH.

and while these piles of hidden treasures sit here, i want to move FORWARD and hook up my musical equipment and write new music and do new things.

i'm a bit overwhelmed by it all , at the moment.
and so i sit here and type about it in order to maybe alleviate some of my anxiety about it all.

i can't seem to get focused. i'm sitting here like a deer in headlights.

i can create but i need a partner to then put it in a form to sell.
to organize it, to help to focus me. to see my energy and help me to focus it.
or at least alleviate me from the anxiety and frustration i have about organizing and doing the stuff that needs to be done to sell my stuff so that i can solely concentrate on creating.

i need a manager. a manager and a secretary.

i could solely dedicate myself to organizing all this stuff and figuring out how to make it into books and dvds...but then my creativity would cease to exist and nothing new would be made.
and that seems a real shame.

it seems i can only do one. if i organize things and go back into the past and figure out ways to make a book, etc...then my creativity suffers. if i create...then my organization suffers.

and i cannot be of these 2 minds at once without driving myself into a depression.

and now this is depressing me to even type about this. it all seems so futile.
it seems i am just doomed to create lots of stuff and then when i die, hopefully someone will "discover" that i have all of this stuff that can be organized, marketed, and sold.
isn't that just the way of it?

farg.