december 31st, 2004
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happy new year :)

deiter (and sebastian) covet jason's scary (but yummy)
bbq meatballs and mini hotdogs:

 

 

6:40pm

the rest of my day will RULE! i command it!
i bought yummy aged gouda, fruit tray, lemon hummus, cracked pepper crackers, pink champagne, smoked oysters, and a cobb salad!
sparkly party hats, silver spirally garlands, confetti poppers, plastic glasses, those little squeaker blow out horn thingies.
i am going to take out the trash, take a bath, put on something pretty, put on happy music, decorate my rooms with the garlands and many votive candles!

here's to creating happy memories :)

 

4:46pm

message to past, present and future selves:

choose each moment carefully.
because the memories of those moments stay with you forever and you can never undo them.
make happy memories. for the love of all that is holy, make happy memories.

 

4:28pm

those dreams really fuct with me.
i even broke down and cried.
i feel so damaged and traumatized and vulnerable.
it's unfair these people put these dark things in me.
if my soul could throw up, it would.
i want these hooks out of me.
i want to beam them back to the original owners with a big no thanks fuck you.
i'm starting to feel a tiny bit better.
but i just want to crawl into a tiny space and make a nest and stay there.
paint my room pink
crochet myself into a pink furry cocoon of forgetfulness
listening to elliot smith
bittersweet to hear the gentle voice of a dead man

i need more gentleness in my life.
i demand it

gotta get ready now to go out into the cold.
jason and i are going to buy mini bbq hotdogs and some party hats and cheap champagne.

 

3:16pm

 

2:52pm

at least it's not grey today, for the 2 hours of semi-light that i have for today.
i need to start getting up earlier.
doesn't this always happen to me in winter? i start sleeping in way too late and then i get no light?
not acceptable.

2:22pm

had huge epic dreams swimming in symbolism and metaphor and blah blah...exhausting.
one where i was fending off a boyfriend who wanted to kill me.
and one where i was working back at ragstock and the killer boyfriend was in that one, too.
i cannot get the image out of my head of this yellow and black rubber NASA diving suit that was being sold for $250. it felt and smelled just like those latex gloves you can buy for washing the dishes or cleaning.
it zipped up like a janitor suit, and was loose fitting like that. i wore it around in my dream and thought it would be perfect for the killer boyfriend, but didn't want to call him and tell him about it since i didn't want to see him (for obvious reasons). but he still showed up anyway.
and then i was being reprimanded for not working hard enough and i kept finding huge amounts of clothing on the floor and i would put it all back on hangers (which was a huge part of working at ragstock..you have no idea how slovenly rude customers are about throwing everything they look at on the floor).
anyway, i feel really unsettled and i want these dreams out of me.
it disturbs me greatly to have these dreams where this boyfriend wants to kill me, especially since he was the only one i actually had a civil and fond "friendship" with even tho we broke up. but these dreams , and a few other things, make me not want to ever speak to him again. i'm highly weirded out.
he did say and do a few things and i've heard things from people that make me think he is getting a little bit more twisted as he gets older, which is why i have these dreams, partly, i think (that and the fact that i DID have 2 other boyfriends who expressly wanted to kill me).
he has a lot of undealt with pain and isuues and i think has a lot of bottled up rage in him.
it scares me.
of course i'd love to just see him face to face to dispell this fear i have of him now that is growing because of these dreams i have of him.
but fuck that, i don't want or need to go backwards and work on old relationships. gah!
yuck yuck yuck!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish my past boyfriends hadn't caused me so much pain and anguish and instilled such a fear in me that i have such nightmares about them all the time. i just want to be free of these people.
i really really rrreeeaaallly do. i want them gone from my mind and soul. just gone.
i wish there was some pill i could take or some soul cleaner i could use on myself to scrub every last speck of their memory from me. i want to be free of this negative energy. i wake up and just feel disgusting all over.

1:11am

my life of 2004 reviewed and summarized
in hundreds of tiny thumbnails:
http://www.anacam.com/lj2004/review/

thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul, all you members of ana2 who help keep me alive and creating :)
without your contribution, none of these things would have ever been made. i owe you my life, in many ways.

+++

so today is the last day of 2004.
that's it.
the last.
there will never again be a 2004.

it's hard to comprehend, really.

i'm not sure which year was worse for me...2003 or 2004.
i'm pretty sure 2003 was worse.
2004 was a little step up, but i can't say i'm sad to see it go.
it was a toughie.

i do hope 2005 will be better, but i'm trying not to have any expectations of it.

2004 is the year that:

1. sonia dies
2. my 1st experience of touching a dead body (sonia's)
3. my 1st tattoo
4. i break things off with my mom permanently
5. jennicam shuts down
6. bush "wins" again and america becomes the most hated country on the planet
7. i have my 1st fashion show (and 2nd)
8. jason gets his masters degree!
9. i crochet only 32 hats? it really seems like a heckuva lot more!
10. the first same-sex couple to be officially married in the usa (only to be revoked)
11. nipplegate.
12. i work through my many issues, as usual
13. i become a more complex person
14. i become a better artist, imo
15. iraq war (so horrible i blocked it out until it's at #15)
16. fantasia wins american idol
17. i dye my hair pink
18. oh ya...reagan finally dies.
19. i discover "experimental cooking"
20. i discover more about "interdimensional" art
21. i discover feng shui and make a personal break through which allows me to start being able to part with my material possessions
22. kat's dan is paralyzed :(
23. i learn about "the illuminati"
24. holy freaking tsunami
25. too much reality tv (but i can't peel my eyes away)
26. john stewart on crossfire

jason and i are going to have a low key new years eve at home this year.

 

for 2005 i hope that (personally):

1. i get rid of more of my material possessions and clutter to free up more new energy to come into my life
2. finally write and record some new songs
3. get my finances more straightened out
4. lose 10 pounds
5. give more
6. be less afraid
7. experience a new country like japan or iceland
8. crochet the greatest hat the world has ever seen
9. figure out how to live a more eco-friendly life and spread this knowledge to others
10. and ye olde "i sure do hope i excercise more" (i sound so commited, no? :)
11. learn to be more forgiving of others and also to myself.