december 29th, 2004
past anagrams	menu	utb

5:04pm

now the viewfinder on my camcorder i am using now is being wonky.
it's very very dark, but at least it's not showing up in the cam pictures.
but augh. i'd like my camcorders to stop breaking down.
the viewfinder looks purple right now :(

jason is going out for drinks with 4 of his male friends and i am invited and i said i'd go, but now i just don't know if i want to. to be in a dark smokey bar right now does not appeal to me.
also, last time i went there it was freezing cold in there.
and i went out last night. and we are going out for dinner on sunday, and i think there is dinner on friday , too?
oh ya, because that is new years eve.
that might be a bit too much expenditure of energy for me.
i get easily burnt out to go out that much.
also, i just can't afford to go out that much.
also, there will be one girl there, and then because she is the only other girl i feel this weird obligation to have to talk to her and make her feel welcome.
it's often like that,the guys kind of do the guy talking thing and then i get stuck doing a girl talking thing with the one girl.
i'd rather it just be all guys so i don't have to feel i am in that position. i wonder if other women ever feel this way?
i guess if it were 4 women and 1 guy i would then go out of my way to make sure the guy felt ok, so it goes both ways.
if there is ever one "odd person out" i feel this obligation to make sure that they feel ok.
i guess it's nice i am sensitive to that, but it also sucks for me, too.

my apartment is finally starting to warm up, it's taken hours for my hands to not be ice cold.

i haven't crocheted in such a long time. maybe 1 or 2 weeks now.
i've been so involved in other things.

 

3:33pm

 

i had a terrible dreams that i had died by being decapitated and my spirit was looking at my decapitated body and my head and just thinking rather plainly, "so that is what my head looks like when it is dead." i was just sitting there inspecting it, watching my body start the decaying process, watching it in a rather scientific way. just thinking that sooner or later it was bound to happen. that everyone, in the end, gets to see what their head looks like when it is dead and kind of marvelling at the reality of it all, that i was actually finally dead and here i was, not in my body anymore. and just being very weirded out that my head was not attached to my body. it was just laying there, on the floor, several feet away from my body, my hair all matted with blood.

it was just bizarre.

and i think i watched a bit as people tried to figure out my funeral. preparing my body, trying it make the head look as if it were still attached to the body in my coffin.

i remember not wanting my body to be in the traditional pose, on my back with arms crossed on my chest.
i wanted to be laying on my side, as if i were just taking a nap.

and then, in a way, i was also the person who was putting the make up on me.
while at the same time i was my spirit, being pissed that in retrospect i had not specified what kind of make up i wanted.

i didn't get the feeling that the people who were in charge of my body were family or friends or knew anything about me as they/i were wondering what kind of make up i would have worn if alive. they/ i had nothing to go on and knew nothing about me.

all of a sudden i remembered that the kind of make up i wanted was just to be spray painted silver.
since all that flesh coloured stuff never looks natural anyway.

and then i sort of played around with different scenarios in my mind about make up.

in one scenario i had "natural" coloured make up on 1/2 of my body, and then the other half was silver.
and i liked the juxtaposition of that.
1/2 looking "alive" and the other 1/2 looking like a statue..although both sides looked quite fake.

symbolically, i don't think it's a very good sign that i am dreaming that my head is not attched to my body.
it says to me that my heart and head are not being connected.
that there is some disconnect happening with me.

or...it could be just all the death in the news lately and the fact that the photos i saw on rotten.com of dead bodies are still haunting me.

those bodies i saw...that really was a lot to take in and i am still thinking about it.
it really just....affected me deeply.
but i'm glad i saw them because i think it's a good thing to see what death looks like since it's such a part of life.
we never really see death here. it's all sanitized.
i did save just one photo, of this blonde woman who really looked the most like me. she was completely blue with the totally white hair. she died with her eyes open. blood completely encrusted around her mouth and nose. in a white nightgown and the decay of her seeping and staining it.
it was seriously disgusting and at the same time kind of beautiful like when i saw the decaying pumpkins and had to take photographs of them. all the texture and colour.

i am horrified and completely fascinated.
i think about those photos i saw a lot.
it's just so weird that we are all going to die and we are all going to decay.

i really don't like that thought at all.
but, it's really going to happen to all of us.

also, my worst fear ever is that someone should ever see my dead body. i just don't want anyone to ever see me dead.
i don't want the image of that to haunt anyone.

and i most CERTAINLY do not want the picture of that on the internet or in some book.

whenever i come across photos of dead bodies, i just think, wow, this person probably never in a million years thought that a picture of them with their head exploded would be posted on the internet or put in some book.

how would you feel if you came across a photo of one of your friends or family members all bloated, laying in a mortuary with the chest cut open on the internet or in a book for all to see?

that would be seriously traumatizing.

it was traumatizing enough for me to see photos of people i DIDN'T know.

it's weird to think that someday i will die, but i do not know the time or place or how.
i do not know the final position my body will lay in.
i do not know if i will die with my eyes open or closed.
i don't know if i will lay there for weeks decaying, or maybe i will burnt up in a fire.
or maybe i will die in someone's arms.
and who will this person be?

it's so intimate. so vulnerable.
it seems even more intimate and vulnerable than birth.

i don't like the idea that i seemingly have no control over when this most intimate and vulnerable thing is going to happen to me and who will be around or not around to witness it and share in it.

i don't like the idea of being wrapped in plastic and put in a fridge with a bunch of other dead bodies.

and strangers poking me, cutting me open, talking about their day or what they ate for lunch that day as they photograph my wounds or inspect the contents of my stomache.

and i really don't like the idea that starngers get to have this bizarre experience with my body, and *I* don't.
THEY get to hold my heart in their hand. i will never be able to do this.
i will never be able to inspect the innermost workings of my body from a third person perspective.

it seems unfair.

and it seems unfair that they get to decide how to photograph my body, etc.
and it seems likely that if i kept up my cam right up until my death (i guess i could actually even die on cam), that someone will probably post pictures of my dead body onto the internet.
i guess it seems only fitting.
but i really abhore that thought and whoever does it i vow to haunt them in the most horrible of ways.
but then again, i don't even want to give that person the honour of being haunted by me.

plus, i'm sure i'll have better things to do when i'm dead.

and then the whole necrophelia thing.
that REALLY bothers me.

i do wonder how many morticians are necropheliacs.

i wonder what the percentage of that is.