december 21st, 2004
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i love slsknet.org!

where else can i find landscape's "einstein a-go-go"

and polyphonic size's cover of the stone's "mother's little helper"?

yessssssss :)

i feel as happy as a piglet snorting on my back in a pile of squishy warm mud :)

11:06pm

i am just having the most extraordinary email conversation with michael b.
i am learning things about sound...or rather re-reembering things i knew, or things i "felt" but had no proof of....ummm...can't explain it. or rather i can, maybe. but just not right now.

again, sometimes i meet people, or re-meet them all over again in a whole new way at just the perfect time.
the things he has said to me about sound give me this glimpse into the interdimensional dynamics of life and art.
in the way i have been thinking about taste and vision and now even scent.
i already knew sound, but it was almost so obvious to me i needed it to be actually SAID to me for me to "hear" it , in a more concrete way.

and then if you mix all of these things together...sound/vision/scent...sense..."feeling"...and really just way beyond just the 5 senses...
but even say go with 5, only 5, that is ...the combinations are infinite.
and i've only just begun to understand them. or RE-understand them.

and here is someone who is doing this within a corporate structure.
wow.

just...i really need to let this sit and simmer in me for quite awhile.

it an interesting time for me to come into being an artist not only from a purely intuitive gutteral primal sense of "being" , but to also sort of build this other part of me who can watch it and understand what it is i do and why i do it at a more intellectual level.

before i didn't know why i did what i did, i just did it.
like the yoko ono song i covered "ask the dragon"

but now, i can watch myself in a whole new way, that doesn't SPOIL the intuitive "making it up as you go along" thing.

it's not an analyzation, but a watching. i don't if that makes any sense to anyone but me right now.
and i don't really need it to.

i'm so glad to be an artist. there just isn't anything in the world that makes me happier.

i know this sounds like a bunch of garballdy gook to most of you.
i hope to be able to write more coherently later.

the universe is splendid.

8:04pm

so i finally found the energy to call jay about the documentary
and tell him if ne needs anything extra from me i am at his disposal, since i was rather iunhinged when they were here shooting, and i don't think they caught a clear realistic example of what i do.
it was at least good to touch base again with him.
i needed to add a "whatever is the opposite of a preface" to that whole "event".
he was stuck in L.A. traffic.
i hope i made his traffic jam experience more amusing :)

7:24pm

my hatred of gary kurfirst, is weirdly, sort of dissolving.
i mean, not completely...but...just that...i don't know...he just didn't know any better, i think.
i sort of think of him as really ill and socially retarded. well, he is probably the hugest narcissist i have ever met, besides my mother.
i mean he's just...lost.
i really don't understand AT ALL how such a person got to manage people like the talking heads and deborah harry and the ramones and ME..and...how did that happen?

i guess i'd have to have known him when he was younger and maye he was different back then.

i mean, people saying he is a VISIONARY when i don't think i have ever met a more blind and stupid man in my LIFE in the music business.

he sort of attaches himself, like a barnacle, to greatness, and then takes credit for it.

sure, the bands he worked with were visionary...but him? ummm. no.
let me tell you now...just NO. a big resounding no.

what i do think maybe he has is a huge talent for sniffing out, in a vampiric sort of way, people who ARE visionary.
or on the edge of something...and he latches on.

he has an instinct, at least at first, before he crushes his victim and sucks them dry.

he kills what he loves. what a sad position to be in.

he can have the instinct to collect the cocoons i shed from myself.
but he has no ability to make this for himself.

like a hermit crab living in other creatures shells.

i don't know...it's hard to explain.

i guess i am just so "aries".
i will hold a grudge on you FOREVER until you apologize or do something that seems like an apology.

even tho he wrote me back (and the act of writing back was also worked in his favour) and took credit for "our" plans and "our" ideas.

i think in a backwards, twisted and perverted weay this was his way of saying that people not getting MY plans and ideas as being my fault.

he didn't say "YOU sucked, therefore no one understood you"

he said, i (we) were ahead of our time.

which was true. and by him acknowledging that, and it has taken me many hours to process through that...
it helped quite a bit.

it's sad and frustrating to me that i still hold these people in my past as having hostage over how i feel for so many years. and that is something i need to work on.

anyway..interesting.

i know a few years ago gary ran into bobby at some convention or something and gary asked bobby if he thought it might be ok to call me or contact me.
i think he said no, or didn't give an answer.
anyway, i think gary was wise not to try and contact me.
i probably wold have ripped his head off.
and he knows that.

but at least i knew he was thinking about me still and that, to me, meant, maybe he needed some sort of resolution, too.

or he just missed feeding off my energy.

probably a bit of both.

 

5:42pm

so if i wrote 1 song a week started in january.
i would have enough to make an album in the spring.
that sounds nice :)

the crochet book may have to fall to the wayside maybe.
there are too many things i want to do in this life.
i need more of me.

how to juggle all of this?

there are 3 books i want to do, one of my photos, one of my journals, and one of my crochet.
but i wish someone would just do them for me.
i have all the material ready to go. i just need someone to sort through it and edit it and make it into a book.
so frustrating.

jason and i are going to watch the most recent harry potter movie tonight.

ok, i need to get food.

oh, and the hat show in may and still have time to create things to sell?

where there is a will there is a way...
somehow...

 

5:30pm

i need to eat something.
i am incrediby hyper today!

 

5:20pm

so, i can't remember...what are the legalities about making a song about hating someone's guts and calling them by name?
like if i wrote a song about gary kurfirst being the anti-christ, for example.
could he sue me?
just wondering.

4:63pm

this day has just whizzed by and now it's too late to go to the p.o. or the bank.
i spent all day emailing michael and bobby and moving cam2 into the the thing room 'cause i need to clean in there and set up music stuff. and i haven't even eaten yet.
and now jason is home and i must hug him!

3:06pm

i put a link up to the page which shows cam1 and cam2 in the menu.
(although cam2 is not always on yet)

2:33pm

i just now remembered i can get a money order at the post office, i think.
i must do that today.

i wonder why i sleep with my arms over my head?

1:55pm

so gary (good god, he in the rock and roll hall of fame???) DOES write me back this morning (read yesterday's anagram)
and says
"i just cant help but think how far forward our plans and thinking were
too bad the the record business [mca]wasnt ready"

OUR plans and OUR thinking? ha!
it was MY plan and MY thinking and HE wasn't ready for it.
how totally typical of him to say.
and THEN he forwards me a stupid dirty joke about a prostitute.
great.
again, how typical.

just glad he isn't in charge of my career anymore, that's all i can say!

and michael brauer wrote me back more, and that is so cool :)
writing to me from his country house which sounds totally idyllic with fireplace and xmas tree and wife make popovers.
*dreamy sigh*
he said he CALL me in january after the holidays, i guess he is more of a phone guy than an email guy.
i am not much of a phone person, so....
but it's just cool that he is interested in what i've been up to and wants to hear new songs when i make them.
not that i could AFFORD him to mix my songs any time in the future unless i was on a major label again, which i do not plan on trying to make happen.
i wonder what he charges now. i know it's something really crazy like a grand a day or something, or more.
but he is SO good and what he does. he really is a genuis of some sort.
when he mixes (and i don't know how many of you have ever seen a huge professional 48 track studio...although i guess there are even bigger ones now), but he doesn't even label the board with where the bass is or this vocal or that sound. he just remembers it in his mind, like he has photographic memory.
i don't know of any other mixer who can do that.

it inspires me to get motivated and work on myself more and achieve i "higher" level than where i am at now.

i'm scared to write new songs, frankly, because i just have no idea what will come out or if it will be any good or anything i like.
i'm PRETTY sure what i write will be VERY good and i will like it very much.
i mean, i haven't really written things i despise very often.
so, the chances are slim i will create crap. BUT...you just never know! it's been so long since i've written a song, i's just...who KNOWS?
it's scary!

but if i have people like bobby z, david kahne, and michael brauer still interested in what i may write after all these years, then...that motivates me even more to do my very best.
not that i wouldn't do my very best if they WEREN'T interested.
but maybe you know what i mean.

i think today i will go see if my 4 tracks still work.
i've been scared to even look, because i think they are broken and i'll need to buy another one some how.

gary said he made some sort of company with chris blackwell.
after googling their najmes i found this:
http://www.rxrecords.com/
which must be it because gary said something about "lake trout" and also i see katie elliot is in charge of site design, which she was with radioactive.net, too. she was the one who when i told her i think it'd be a really cool idea to put a webcam on my website with them she said "oh ya, that sounds like an interesting idea we might be able to do in the future sometime" but wasn't interested and wouldn't let me do it right THEN.
well, they sure missed the ball on that one.
i put the webcam up on MY site a week later and left them in the dust.

ah wait, HERE it is, the blackwell-kurfirst site:

http://www.kurfirst-blackwellentertainment.com/

oh good lord, kurfirst still has up that the ramones are still on his radioactive label. (and the radioactive.net site is has been down for a long time)
the are all dead, practically! isn't only one still left?
look there is an email to book them!
jeepers...
umm, yes, hi? HOW do you book a band that is DEAD?

but wow, LIVE is still alive. how bout that.

3:34am

still working on this playlist,
and then...an email from gary kurfirst comes in.
adrenaline rush. holy cow, i can't believe he has the same email.
said he thought of me too recently and checked my site.
holy freaking weirdness!
my heart is beating rapidly..
funny he keeps late hours just as he always did.
we used to email at this time to each other.

funny how some things are the same.

i wrote him back immediately and asked him how he was.

i probably freaked HIM that i wrote back right away.
who knows if he will write back again.
odd. life...odd.

funny we are scared of each other, bitter with each other, yet still check up what the other is up to.

 

2:08am

i am perfecting this playlist i call "mellow"
it is over 5 hours long now, think.
i still can't get the order right.
it's hard to get the order right for 6 hours of music.
when i perfect it finally, and there are a few more songs that are necessary for me to get in there.
then i am going to make a few of my friends cds of this.
it will be the greatest mix cd ever for mellowness.
both happy mellow, sad mellow.

god, i'm hyper lately.
i'm either super hyper or totally exhausted.
so weird.

i want to make a playlist for every mood i have.

i think it's partly my way also of refining and distilling and thinking about what kind of music i want to do next.