december 19th, 2004
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rotten.com
wow.
do NOT go there unless you want to be SERIOUSLY disturbed by extreme graphic photos of dead decomposing bodies of people who have been dismemembered, etc etc.
wow. just WOW.

and nothing like watching a CSI episode to top it off as a nightcap. yowza.

11:00pm

my brain is going 5 million miles an hour.
i can't communicate anything correctly.
it's all a cartoon, a shadow.
so frustrating.
and i can't even type.

10:27pm

it's been hard to be co-moderator of the magic_in_makeup community lately.
i was just made co-moderator a few days ago and it's hard to tell some people their work is not good enough for the community yet. there is a standard to uphold, but since i was not the creator of the community, it is more awkward than i thought it would be to uphold it.
little 17 year old girls trying so hard, new to the community, but i must reject their submission because their entry is unimaginative and bland. but to not crush their spirits and still wanting them to still move forward and experiment...it is indeed difficult and i have started feeling it since i started "photocontest" but with magic_in_makeup it's worse because it's not "my vision" and so i am kind of guessing, although it's a darn good guess. but through it, i have become a better teacher and more confident in my abilities, even tho quite a few hate my "teaching style".
anyway, it's hard to not come off as an elitist yet still maintain standards and then still INSPIRE people to grow and not give up even when they get rejected. that is TRICKY!!!

here was my latest reponse to a rejection i made:

"hi jennifer and welcome :)
it's wonderful you are waking up to the powers and joys of experimenting with make up so soon :)
however your skills are not quite up to speed for this community.
keep practicing!
i can tell you have a steady hand and your enthusiasim is wonderful :) just be a bit more daring is needed, study more, practice more :)
i know you'll get there :)"

is that ok? i think it is. i TRY.
i guess if people want to give up and shoot themselves over such a kind rejection as THAT, then they were just not made for that community.

god, i feel like such an elitist, and it IS an elitist community.
and it even says so explicitly.
it's not a community for beginners to post their beginning work.
there ARE other communities for that.

it's a professional community.

i remember when i was 16 and here were hardly any (as in 3)"all girl bands" and this one started called 'the babysitters" and i tried out for it even tho i had only owned my guitar for a few weeks and could barely play it.

and i knew i wasn't good enough for them, but i gave it my best shot anyway, and they told me i was not good enough for them but to keep practicing anyway and that i was on the right track and i'll never forget how sweet and kind their rejection of me was. it actually really gave me strength to carry on.

i HOPE i can do the same a BIT for others.
it's so hard to reject people and say they are not "there yet" but still inpsire them to grow.

i don't want to crush anyone's spirit.

10:21pm

the wind is blowing blowwwwwwiiing my windows!
sounds like a steam train and rattling rattling rattling.
not to mention below zero!

i have my heat on full blast and i still feel the chill.

time to crawl into bed soon.
maybe i will meet "cinnamon" again.

today i didn't get much done in the physical world, but i did in the mental.

10:20pm

something i , again, said to a friend
as i help her i help myself:

"again, i wish knew the exact right words to say.
i can only come at this from my perspective, please forgive me for that (and also you and her)
she has HER path, you have your path.
MUCH amazing art and inspiring "things" have come from doing what seemed to be the wrong thing, but in the end, we grew so much and learned so much and add so much to the world. not to say that art must come from pain, because that is bull. but much great art DOES come from it that can't be ignored. not only art but LIFE itself, in all it's complex glory.
and you DO see that she is a survivor and so are YOU!
(she learned that from you , you know?)

i believe, that we choose our parents (that is ok if you do not...and i respect that..but i say this only so you know what angle i am coming at this from)...but coming from that angle...she chose YOU to be her mother. yes YOU! look how much you care fOR HER! WHO wouldn't choose you? you didn't "deserve" what happened to you. no way in hell.
but i think maybe you chose a difficult path because you are such a transmuter, evolver, survivor, artist. ypu could be thrown a crock of shit and you would prpbaly make something interesting out of it.
not that it makes you invulnerable or insensitive. probably your greatest strength of all is your abililty to remain vulnerable in the face of pain. as i said to a friend of mine tonight, your greatest strenght is also your greatest weakness.

the sucky part of this is, is that you CAN'T give your life to make hers better. because life is about free will. and that both sucks infinitely and rules infinitely.
but GIVE her ther GIFT of trusting her with her own free will, even if that means she fails and dies.
even if she fails and dies say to her in the afterlife, "you know what?, you gave it your BEST shot! i KNOW you did! you did the best you could! next time you'll d better, i KNOW! good job!"

all i can say is, the best my mother ever did for me is 1. do what was best for her (or what she thought so at the time which showed me i am allowed to take chances and FAIL yet still succeed later on!) it's OK ot make mistakes! sometimes mistakes lead to the greatest thing EVER!
2. just listen, literally, just listen and "be there" to listen
3. TRUST her. even if you don't trust her, what you are saying if you don't is "I don't trust MYSELF. i don't trust i was a good mother to you...so i will never trust your judgement or ability to make lemons out of lemonade because i don't trust my OWN ability t make lemons out of lemomade"

i KNOW your daughter must be one smart cookie because she was born to YOU. just BE there for her and let her know that you know she is doing the best job that she knows how. because she IS doing the best job she knows how. even if that is painful and awkward to watch.

you can't live her life for her.
you have to let go.
she's going to make mistakes.
and those mistakes just might end up saving the world, who knows?
let her fall, let her falter, and then kiss her forehead and tell her you know she tried the best she could. that is the best a mom can do, imo."

8:18pm

these are my monkeys

i love that picture of deiter :)
he flips on his back and then kicks his legs and snorts joyfully.

sebastian likes to squish his face into the bed and sometimes he tries to dig for hidden treasure in the bedsheets.

pooka always looks forlorn, but he's just demure.

he can shake his little fluffy butt booty like the best of them

 

6:22pm

i ran into a girl who knew who i was in the elevator today. that was weird.
she looked at me shyly and asked "are you ana?"
and i said yes and she said "i've seen your website."
and i said oh and she tried to think of what to say next saying "your site is kind of ...of you are sort of..."

"eccentric?" i said.
and she didn't say yes or no to that, maybe she was too shy. but we shook hands and she seemed sweet.
i hope she doesn't tell all her friends where i live now.

6:17pm

today was one of those "working through a bunch of emotions that have been simmering awhile" days.
kind of like sweeping out a cluttered hallway.
it was a pain in the ass but i'm glad it was done.
but it was exhausting, but the end result was more energizing, thankfully.
it seemed hit and miss there for awhile.
is mercury in retrograde again?

3:40pm

something i wrote to my friennd about compartmentalization:

"it IS a pain in the ass to have 2 or more journals, i agree.

sometimes it irks me that i have made a separate journal for my hatmaking, since i don't like to compartmentalize my life.

but i did it so people who like hats don't have to see me nude, and people who like to see me nude don't have to deal with my ramblings about yarn.

but sometimes i just wanna say fuck it! i won't compartmentalize my life!

take my whole life the way it is, and or not at all.

but the business side of me goes "it would be smart to not have nudity blatantly mixed in with the hats"

but then i think "but if my nudity bugs you i wouldn't WANT you to buy my hats!" etc

and round and round and round it goes."

3:22pm

ok, about xmas and birthdays. i'm over it.
i know my friends love me and know i love them and appreciate them with or without gifts on a particular day.
it was my insecurity. my own little twirl with holiday craziness and guilt almost everyone gets caught up in around now. i'm not going to be adding any more of that to myself or to anyone.
there is no reason to burden myself or anyone else with useless trappings of pointless guilt over small material objects.
seriously. i was just fine until i bought that perfume and that started this whole guilt trip i put on myself and i'm ending that right now. 40 bucks is not going to make or break me. it's not the end of the universe because i bought myself some perfume for xmas. i am not some selfish asshole for doing that.
good grief. i need to get a grip.
and i cleaned a bit. and now i am going to cut up fabric to make hats to sell.
and sell they will, and all is well and fine in the universe.
i absolve myself, also, from the unseen guilt i feel coming from my own mother, which is really just in my own mind.
and i can stop that right now.
and i will.
i don't need or want to carry that much heavy baggage.
i'm not christian and i am also not jewish.
and i don't think jesus christ is going to cry any crocodile tears over me not being able to buy something on the fictitious day of his birth.
it's just this whole holiday thing can make a person nuts.
and it's all self inflicted, to a large degree.
i'm sure you know what i mean.

 

2:59pm

my god. i have such a stomache now over things i can't even talk about.

1:52pm

*grumble grumble*

i can't get caught up in the "timing is everything"
thing about my book.
even tho timing IS everything, in a way.
but this book has to unfold at the pace it's going to unfold at.
it's going to take me a long time to make this book.
i can't go any faster than i am going to go.
and that is that.
*heavy sigh*

i'm going to take my sweet time.
and...if that means i don't time it correctly with whatever i am timing it for, then...just so be it.

i'll drive myself nuts if i think in a way that makes me feel i'm running out of time.

but at the same time, i've seen ideas i've had that i didn't get to do "on time" because i didn't have the resources/time/ability/opportunity/preparedness/whateverness/money totally get done by other people. and it's sooooo frustrating.

i try to just let it go and be happy that the ideas i had are at LEAST getting done.

like everyone making the monster stuffed animals now.
i don't know if anyone remembers when i was going to make those.
and now EVERYONE makes them, and it makes me happy, because i love them.

but now if i did them it would actually look like i was copying that idea when in actuality, i'm not. it's frustrating.

ooo, i hate when i feel like this.
this feeling of "there is not enough time" and there are only so many ideas to go around. this feeling of fear, fear is what it is. fear there is not enough to go around.

so many people get caught up in it.

i very rarely do, but once in awhile i do and i'm having a little insecure moment all of a sudden here and i need to shake this off because it's really silly and also the opposite of productive.

i think i am also feeling really guilty that i spent 40 bucks on perfume. even tho i know my dad will give me money for xmas and i should be able to use at least SOME of it to actually buy a xmas present for myself (from him). but i am freaking about money this month.

but i have to trust in the universe it'll all work out ok.
it always does.

i'm just having an insecure spastic moment here.

xmas is here and so many people's birthdays!
like there must be 10 people know who have birthdays this month.
i feel seriously guilty that i haven't bought anyone anything, really.
but then i buy myself 40 bucks of perfume...even tho that is my present from my dad.
but i feel, just...i'm feeling really overwhelmed and guilty right now.

i suppose the holidays do this to almost everyone.
it's depressing.
the holidays shouldn't be so stressful and overwhelming.

it really hadn't hit me yet...the stress of it. but i am feeling it all of a sudden today. overwhelmed and guilty.
not to mention just the knowing that xmas isn't like i was when i was a kid, and my famly is fuct up and my mom is probably seriouly all depressed that i am not talking to her and pretty much hate her.
so i'm sure xmas sucks for her.

and i am feeling like a bad and terrible person for not having made everyone handmade presents or bought them something.
and i have a million excuses.
and i know my friends know i like to give gifts on unexpected days.
and when i can afford it. but i feel so LAME.
and i give things. i give little things to people all the time.
i just don't, like a smart person, save these things for people for their birthdays and for holidays. i get too excited and i have to give them right away.

i don't know. this sucks.
i'm going to stop typing about this because it's actually upsetting me more to type about it.
it's not helping.

can we just forget about the holidays this year?
and just give when we feel like it and can afford it?

gah.

12:53pm

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
COOJIE!!!

i lurve u!

++

in other news , it's zero degrees F. brrr!

what shall i do today. make soup? string? clean? crochet? make photos?
all of the above?

i need to make things to sell, that is for sure!

but i want to work on crocheting the big stuff for my BOOK!