| december
17th, 2004 |
||
http://www.ana2.com/private/2cams.shtml
11:14pm
something i wrote to a friend of mine:
"i totally understand this feeling.
i don't want advice either. but i do want SUPPORTIVE advice at the same time.
many people, even my own mother, have told me this is a horrible fault of
mine and that i only want people around me who are sycophants and kiss my
ass.
hell no.
i've just had ENOUGH adversity in my life and bad advice and horrible people yelling at me and putting me down in every which way. i DESERVE to surround myself with people who support me now, at the VERY least.
and that's what i do now.
because i do deserve support.
LOTS of support.
because i am a GOOD person on a GOOD mission.
and SO ARE YOU.
and that is why i love you and will ALWAYS support you and love you, too.
i SEE you.
and you are beautiful, VERY beautiful, and only mean to add beauty to this world. and you DO add beauty and kindness and truth to this world. i have never seen you add less except only when you are mean to yourself.
but even then i scoop you up and understand and it adds nothing bad because you are THAT good!
your own self loathing cannot even obliterate the shining star that you are. THAT is how powerful you are!
do you understand that?
you are SO powerful and SO shiny that you could go on a lifelong self loathing rampage of negativity...and you couldn't even BEGIN to blot out how much light you naturally shine for this universe.
so let go now.
and just be.
we love you regardless.
there is nothing else we CAN do but love you.
because you are one of the beautiful ones.
even if you never see this yourself.
i know you know it, deep down :)
you're deeply gorgeous :)
and we need you :)
*I* need you."
4:28pm
2 sizes of wallpaper:
|
|
i guess it's not really the shape
of wallpaper :)
maybe u could print it out and put it on your fridge :)
ha :)
4:26pm
today is fuzzybumblebee's birthday
party but i am not feeling up to beign social. i need to cocoon.
having social anxiety today.
gonna crawl into bed now with the dogs and read, i think.
3:22pm
ya, that helped to write about it.
i feel myself normalizing again.
now i'm going to eat some mashed potatoes.
comfort :)
3:03pm
i didn't know my anavoog.com cd was still listed on amazon. and i never saw that people actually reviewed it and gave it good reviews! well, that is a happy thing :) and good lord, there are 38 copies of it used for sale starting at .91 cents. ha!
2:23pm
i wish i could have made those photos
on my digital cam and not on the camcorder do they were better quality.
but i wouldn't have had time to make them all on the digital camera.
the camcorder/webcam allows for more spontaneity.
i felt totally spent after i made
those. sometimes i give so much and open myself up so much that i feel really
fragile and raw the next day.
today i feel like wearing many layers both physically and and in all others
ways.
i need to recharge my batteries today.
after i made those photos, i lay
on the floor and just cried for an hour
i think because, for me, it was expressing an emptiness and futility and i
made myself so vulnerable to that.
the futility of trying to make love to something which is not even alive.
|
|
|
i hope that doesn't ruin the photos
for you, because i want you to take what YOU see in them, not what they mean
to me.
and i never really discuss my work for that very reason.
i like you to see in it what YOU see, not necessarily what i was feeling or
seeing as i was making them.
but i was playing a part. in fact,
i wasn't even masturbating. it was all just acting.
trying to express the futility, desperation of reaching out to someone who
is not even real or alive.
and the claustraphobic bathtub, like a box, a prison, a place to drown, a
deathtrap. but also a cocoon and a bubble, a womb.
a place to be born and a place to die.
and then the horror of it all being
caught on tape and watched by silent people. everything silent.
no one there, but every one there.
i even try to pull the curtain, but the curtain is see-through.
feeling compelled to expose, yet also forced to expose, while at the same
time trying to hide. total conflict.
as if marilyn monroe's last moments
were caught on a webcam.
drowning in her best silk oscar gown.
coming undone.
of course, all brutality aside, the photos still have a sense of humour and playfulness just because of the absurd and surreal quality and that it is all PINK. and their sexy in a dark and funny twisted way. sex and death...look at how popular CSI is.
and that is what i love to do, combine
the cute happy, bubbly outer shell with the inward torment and darkness.
it seems i am juxtaposing those things a lot in my work. especially in my
songs.
anyway, enough talking about it.
i never talk about my work much. usually don't like to.
but i was compelled today to talk about that series, for some reason.
maybe because i feel like i didn't get it all out and if i just write it down it can leave my thoughts now for the rest of the day and i can move onward.
1:17am
drowning pink android dream
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
Pet Shop Boys:
"Sometimes you're better off
dead
There's gun in your hand and it's pointing at your head
You think you're mad, too unstable
Kicking in chairs and knocking down tables
In a restaurant in a West End town
Call the police, there's a madman around
Running down underground to a dive bar
In a West End town
In a West End town, a dead end world
The East End boys and West End girls
In a West End town, a dead end world
The East End boys and West End girls
West End girls
Too many shadows, whispering voices
Faces on posters, too many choices
If, when, why, what?
How much have you got?
Have you got it, do you get it, if so, how often?
And which do you choose, a hard or soft option?
(How much do you need?)"
++++
Goldfrapp:
"Its a strange day
No colours or shapes
No sounds in my head
I forget who i am... when im with you
Theres no reason
Theres no sense
Im not supposed to feel.
I forget who i am, i forget.....
Fascist baby, utopia, utopia.
My dog need new ears
Make his eyes see forever
Make him live like me
Again and again
Fascist baby, utopia, utopia
Im wired to the world
Thats how i know everything
Im super brain!
Thats how they made me.
Fascist baby, utopia, utopia"
+++
ana voog "hollywood"
hollywood
i'm moving
if i could i'd be a star for you
la la la la la la la la la la
come for me
i'll be in the screening room for you baby
kissing you like it's real
hollywood
i'm reeling
if i could i'd be a film for you
la la la la la la la la la la
project on me
i'll be the girl on the other side honey
reflect on me
i'll be the scene that blows up the sky honey
burning up like it's real
i'm moving in hollywood
i'll meet you on the other side