december 10th, 2004

something i wrote to another person:

i go through this same struggle everyday.
in fact, it's the #1 reason that i hold on to all my stuff, because i feel that i should a) get the $ it is worth for my stuff or b) it should go to someone who appreciates the object as much as i do (if not more) because this thing is one of a kind and special.

weirdly and /or perfectly my greatest fear is to be homeless. frankly, one of the reasons you are on my friends list because i do believe in some past life (yes, i do believe in reincarnation) i was homeless many many times. and in THIS life i struggle with wanting things, loving things, being hindered by things, overtaken by things, and having things be very very useful.

it's a fine fine line. and *I* have found it's all about intent.
this is such a huge subject and i have to pause a moment to see how i can summarize this.

i guess i should firstly say..do you own your stuff...or does your stuff own you?
i have definitely been in the place where stuff furthers my "purpose" and where stuff defines my purpose.

secondly, i would say, as a somewhat "buddhist" and quantum physics agrees that the physical world is an illusion or at the most a hologram (read "the holographic universe")...soooo...
(pardon my terrible sentence structure) that it really doesnot matter how much "stuff" you have.

what you GIVE IS given back to you. i can attest to this as it seems that as much stiff as i try to throw out ...i get back 10 percent! i am a "stuff" magnet.

since it's all an illusion, you may as well just give give give and you WILL receive receive receive!

the only time this doesn't work is if you are addicted to being a "martyr", because the universe will always give you what you WANT. if you WANT less than you give, then the universe will be happy to oblige.

i'm sorry for whatever typos are there. i am typing this right as i am getting ready for bed and am so tired.
i'm sure i could say this btter if i am more awake but i hope you catch my meaning.

anyway..this is an age old question, and good lick solving it :)

imo, i say it's better to just get rid of things that do not serve your higher purpose as quickly as possible,..whether or not this will make you money immediately or not. it is always (imo) more profitable to rid yourself of things that do not serve your higher purpose. abundance always comes.

+++

something i wrote to a friend:

i don't know how many pancakes you ate and if you ate them with butter and maple syrup, and how much cream cheese was on the bagel, not how much mac and cheese you ate...nor how soy cheese compared with real cheese.
but from what i have been reading about how much you excercise and guessing how much you probably walk around manhattan....i would say that what you are eating is absolutely sounding very perfect, well rounded and sane to me. (except for the almond joy and cookie, but hey...i think you NEED to throw in a bit of gluttony to remain sane..so YES, i highly recommend that! if you don't throw that in, from my experience, that is what makes people binge)

it is also good you are eating more than 3 meals a day. from what i have gathered throughout my 38 years of life, eating smaller amounts many times throughout the day is good for keeping weight balanced as it keep metabolism up.

that is always what makes me sad about anorexics is that that they eat nothing and therefore their metabolism plummets and then their body holds on to every morsel of food for, literally, dear life.

i have always been a nibbler, as in eating a tiny bit every 2 hours or more.
and i've heard, in retrospect, that is really good for maintaining a good weight.

i'm no expert in excercise. god knows i loathe it.
and the only excercise i have ever liked is dance and walking (which you do).
many people SWEAR by the fact that you MUST have aerobic activity and make your heart reach some level before you can lose weight.

for ME..this has NEVER been the case...but i am speaking only for me.

i, personally, do not believe that you have to make your heart beat rapidly or sweat in order to lose weight or be healthy. i say this as NO expert in this, but only from my gut intuition and what works for me.

the thing that really clinched it for me was when i saw this indian guru guy on some pbs special who was super old, and they asked him what was his "secret"? and he said he doesn't doing anything that causes pain, strain, or stress.
he said everything was good at the middle path. and that strain and stress and strife caused people to age.

well, that made sense to me.
it would SEEM to mean that anything that causes pain (as in no pain no gain) would cause one to live less not longer. and so i am not a fan of "no pain no gain" i think that is bullshit.

i COULD be wrong.

there are people who LOVE pain ( i love pain in certain situations :)

i would say that do what you LOVE. if you LOVE to sweat and be in pain. DO it.
if you HATE to sweat and be in pain, DON'T do it.

i think it's all about living though joy.

+++

another thing i wrote to another friend:

cute is not such a bad thing :)
make friends with your inner "cute" , maaaan :)

i used to hate clowns until ducky doolittle showed me i was just hating my inner clown.
because i AM a total clown. and now i have a new appreciation for clowns. clowns are a very revered icon in many cultures.

cute is a very complex and wonderful thing and holds a LOT of power. and cute is highly revered in japan :)

cute can really kick ass and be quite hardcore :) i used to despise being called cute, because i am so cute. i did everything i could to not be cute. cute was my most hated word.
and then, i figured out a way to own and make it work for me.
and now i am so glad i have made peace with it, because it's own of my best attributes in so many ways :)

trying to understand how these spirrally hair thingies ducky gave me work.
i'll get the hang of it later.

when i was at the post office, i briefly saw a woman that had so much sonia energy it almost made me want to cry.
it was weird.
she was wearing these quilted pants and i stopped her and asked her where she got her pants and she said they were "hunter long underwear".
what a sonia thing to say.
i've never seen her before.
she seemed about sonia's age, too.

i'm going to look for these pnats now.

+++

my 10 BIGGEST peeves.

things that are ruined for me because past boyfriends or past bad experiences have forever intrinsically entwined these actions with certain horrible people or experiences from my past:

1. do not ever pick up my guitar and play it in front of me becuase of the horrible 4 years of my 1st boyfriend drunkenly "jamming" with his or my guitar and ignoring me for 4 years.
2. do not ever "beatbox" in front of me making the "thhhh" and "ssss" sounds especially because of a past boyfriend making those sounds and spit would form in the corners of his mouth when he made these sounds which completely disgusted me as i have an aversion to spit and later on this person threatened to kill me and was completely insane more than i could ever say in one sentence. i cannot witness these sounds without being reminded of a person i once loved telling me he is now going to kill me (which still send shivers down my soul and until this person is dead, i will not sleep 100% soundly).
3. aversion to spit: my brother spit and licked everything and he is an asshole. 'nuff said.
french kissing is well and fine and encouraged but do not DROOL in my mouth nor have any oral fixations like chewing and licking everything in sight like a boxer puppy.
gross.
things in your house should not SMELL like spit.
4. do not say "anyways" . it is ANYWAY. that is all.
5. do not brush your teeth in front of me nor walk in when i am brushing my teeth.
my mother would always brush her teeth in front of me and remark EVERY single time about how she had no gag reflex and so could stick the brush really far back on her tongue...as it was foaming with toothpaste.
i am forever scarred and mortified by this.
6. don't "hum" along to songs that i know damn straight you've never heard before in your life.
for instance, if i am showing you my newest cd that you have never heard before, because i KNOW because it's MY cd and it's NEW, don't freaking try to hum along to it. just LISTEN.
7. don't ever call me on the phone or text message me because you're bored and would like me to entertain you.
8. don't ever wear your socks when you're having sex with me, unless you're a woman and these are thigh high stockings or we are in a tent and it's below zero. this also comes from 1st boyfriend (he ruined a lot) who would wear his tighty whiteys and socks. argh. rude.
9.if you are a man, help clear the table or help out with the dinner (at least OFFER) when you are a family setting whether it's your family, my family, or anyone's family!
10. don't ever chase me or tickle me or i WILL punch you in a place that will cause you the most pain to make you stop immediately.

+++

have any of you ever tried to call c2c or ever made it through and gotten on air?

11:41pm

it's interesting that with everything in my life, i make it up as i go along.
drawing, crochet, taking photos, cooking...
except music. i do not "jam" in music. people would always ask me to come and "jam" with them and i'd say no way. i don't "jam" and i don't even know how to play anyone else's music but my own (i can play a TINY part of stairway to heaven ...ha :)
but "jamming" never interested me and in fact bored me to tears.
maybe just because i didn't do it.
or because almost everything i have ever heard as "jammed" has bored me to tears and sounded like crap.
the only exception to this being milo fine's free jazz and ousia's ambient stuff.
other than that......borrrrrrring.
i think that jamming is far more interesting to the people actually jamming. or to the people who are drunk.
at least that is the way it always appeared to me.
maybe i'm a little jealous because i could never jam.
i don't know.
but it's weird that music is the only thing i don't make up as i go along, and don't prefer to.
i think that is odd of me.
what is it about music that terrifies me to "jam"?
or makes me just hate "jamming" in general?
do i have some sort of musical jam block?

i think it's that i don't like looking stupid.
i know i can't jam and therefore why torture myself to look stupid in public trying to do something i know i can't do?

but WHY can't i jam?
i can do everything else on the fly...why not music?

it is a mystery.

most people seem to have no trouble with jamming and looking stupid when they do it.
maybe i was subjected to too many stupid jamming sessions with x boyfriends and it irritated me to no end and that is where this comes from?

i do know that whenever i used to have my guitar out and i had a guy come over, the guy would ALWAYS pick up my guitar and "try" to play it.
i don't know why they thought this was ok to do.
i always found it highly irritating.
like 1st, who said it was ok for them to pick up my guitar and play it?

and then who do they think they are thinking that i want to hear them fumble through some really awkward and terrible half assed guitar playing?

yes, i do think this hatred stems from my 1st boyfriend, ed. and his insistance on ignoring me completely always and playing his damn guitar. god, i hated that more than anything.
and the smug ass look on his face he would make like he was being some sort of brilliant genuis of guitar when he was wasted off his ass on 7 billion cans of extremely shitty cheap beer.

he actually DID become really good at guitar because he played it SO much at the expense of everythig else in his life. so i give him that.

but it was ME who had to endure the 1st 4 years of his drunk stupid blues riffs guitar playing at all hours of the day and night before he got good at it. I was the one who had to endure that SHIT.

GOOD GOD. i am still traumatized from it!

look at me, pissed at my mom for whining about the divorce from my dad for 30 years and i am whining about my 1st boyfriend's guitar playing 20 years down the road.

please SHOOT ME, if i whine about this still ten years from now!

but god fucking dammit, did it ever irritate the living shit out of me. and i don't think i will EVER be able to deal with a man (or woman) picking up my guitar and playing it in front of me ever again.

that is just ruined.

and that is just the way it is.

and because of that, i don't think i will ever be able to jam.
because jamming reminds me of my 1st boyfriend who i hate.

yep, there you have it.
i have gotten to the core of the jamming mystery.

ed, you motherfucker, you ruined jamming for me
with your stupid drunkass jamming.

maybe some day i will reclaim jamming and make it my own.

dunno. maybe some day.

but anyone, don't ever even THINK about picking up my guitar and trying to "play" something in my house.
it's just one of my weird little pet peeves.

unless you are david gilmore or bill nelson, you are not allowed anywhere near my guitar. ever.

or until i have reclaimed "jamming" somehow and made it my own.

i think that is ONE reason i hate pearl jam,
besides the reason that they suck and wear flannel shirts and have no sense of humour whatsoever...
is that they have the word "jam" in their name.

just my little rant of the hour.

sorry if i offended anyone who likes pearl jam, wears flannel shirts as a fashion statement, or jams.

it's my weird little quirk.


11:35pm

there were parts i liked about the remake of the stepford wives, but i really love the original better.
i think they should have made it more scary, not a comedy.

god lord, pearl jam on david letterman.
they're back?
augh.

the lead singer has a great voice but his total seriousness makes me want to stick a whoopie cushion up his ass.
good grief, they're all sitting on chairs even.
he barely even stands up to shake letterman's hand.

oooo, he's soooo coooooool.

gag.

 

8:05pm

presents from ducky doolittle and also driztik!

my soup ended up pretty ok :)

i made it to the post office which makes me very happy!

there was food downstairs for the residfents of this apt building so had some of those :)

found out about a peeping tom perv who lives across the way. has a telescope and has lived there for quite some time.
this woman i talked to found out from the police. makes me wonder why the polie told her but not me, since i was living at the same side of the building as this guy when the police told her.
i'm sure that guy must have been pretty sad when i moved out of that apartment.
gonna get out the binaculars one of these days and try to see who is this guy and see if i can spot him.

i am harriet the spy.

jason is coming over soon and we are going to watch the remake of the stepford wives.

jason and i spontaneously exchanhed hannukah/xmas presents tonight!
i got him a ralph lauren wool/angora sweater and he got me tickets to see duran duran in march!
i'm so excited to see themm it'll be my 1st time every seeing them and his too!
and jason likes his sweater. i figured he needed one good sweater as he keeps buying these crappy ones from target that fall apart on him.

 

4:18pm

i'm making another weird soup.
i think this one will not be so good because i put this thai peanut dressing in it and now it's too vinegary.
i forgot there was vinegar in it. oh well.

i'm still getting packages to mail.
and cleaned the house a bit.

this really sucks that the sun goes down at 4:30pm now.
and being that it is so grey out all the time.

but weirdly i have a lot of energy today, i don't know why.
i hope i can still motivate myself to get to the p.o. box.
i don't want that hanging over my head.

ok...no more typing...and more action.
here i go...


3:16pm

 

frozen steaks

 

 

doorknob beret

when you turn the doorknob
you will step into the 6th dimension!
einstein would be jealous!
wool, a bit of vinatge fabric,
and soft and squishy chennille :)

only $54 bucks!

 

 

2:05pm

i slept for another 12 hours straight and that did the trick, because today i feel 100% better and healthy :)
yay!

i MUST get to the p.o. box today. so i better hurry now and get ready and dressed for that.
another very grey and cold day. but not cold as it normally is cold.
still no snow.
and it's almost always above freezing by a few degrees.
i really think it must be global warming.
every winter seems to get a few degrees warmer here each year!

time to crank the tunes and drink diet coke and get back into action!

and start taking photographs again and all that jazz.

and my vacuum cleaner ALMOST made it to me but they had the wrong street address, so it's ALMOST here to me!
i never thought i'd be THIS excited about getting a vacuum!
my floors are so covered in dog hair it's completely depressing for me to look at.
i can't wait to clean this house top to bottom!