9:30pm
even tho i have bitched a lot today,
there still have been many wonderful things about today.
it was cold and drizzly but it made for nice weather to bake chicken and revel
in warm clothing fresh from the dryer.
and all my puppies had some chicken , too, so afterwards they were all so
happy. they do this snorty thing after they eat something they love and then
they try to dog holes in the bed and smoosh their faces into pillows and then
roll on their backs and kick their legs and snort loudly and then repeat that
several times :)
i never get sick of that little show. it fills me with total joy :)
and i will soon have a vacuum cleaner because of a trade i made with an ana2
member. woo hoo!
and also i received today 2 cds , one of le tigre and one compilation (i think)
and some zen green tea from mr. j.d. C.
thank u soooo much!
i love little unexpected surprises like that :)
and i'm creating some really cool hats right now. they are going to look very
"french" i think.
i am really actually looking forward to winter this year, which is a weird
twist.
i think i like winter now because then i don't feel so guilty for not going
outside and staying inside and crocheting.
it's god for spinning, crocheting, and soup making, some of my fave things.
maybe i should move to antarctica.
i DO want to live in iceland.
but my other favourite things would be (that i never get to do) running on beaches loking for shells and digging in the dirt in the garden and inspecting bugs and things.
when i become really old i will either become and eskimo and look like an eskimo, or i will look like a funny little troll digging in the dirt and growing herbs and fruits and brewing strange new tea.
or i will just become one of those weird looking women with too much plastic surgery and i'll get a pink poodle to match my car and my hair and start smoking at age 89.
part of me can't wait to just get super super old right now, i think just to get it over with and i'm dying of curiosity as to how i will look! i mean, i will be morphing into this other looking creature thing!
BUT...i always forget that being
old comes with aches and pains and sickness...
but weirdly, i don't think i will be a sickly old person.
i've never been scared that would actually happen because i can't imagine
it.
i think i'll be quite active and feisty.
i can't imagine myself with arthritis or a heart condition or anything.
in fact, i might even be more healthy when i'm super old then i am now.
that is far more likely, i think.
do u think my mom is going to try
to haunt me after she dies?
totally think she will try.
it going to be damn interesting when i die to see her again.
and i wonder what we will say to each other?
i think when i see her, there won't be anything but love and understanding.
but that can't happen now.
which is depressing.
but at the same time, if time is an illusion, then we have eternity to be
together still.
still it's very "time-centric"
to think that all you can lose is "time".
much has been lost.
but also, much has been gained.
i can't say which one is the heavier , at the moment.
9:29pm
another thing that sucks is my mom
is actually PISSED that i am doing alright.
my dad told her that i am doing fine and that made her mad at me, too.
nice to know that my mom wants me
to be NOT fine.
5:25pm
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i find it weird that my mom always
shames me for holding grudges and not moving on and forgiving and forgetting
and whatever when she STILL goes on and on and on and on and on about the
fucking divorce that happened 30 years ago.
and she still thinks, and has always thought, that THIS is the reason i am
mad at her.
good god, i'm so sick of it!
her TELLING me that i was affected by the divorce for 30 years and TELLING
me i am this way and that way because of the divorce drives me nuts!
i kept telling her i was FINE with the divorce, and i WAS fine, i AM fine!
i was able to comprehend it, it seemed like a sensical thing to do.
it wasn't a nasty divorce.
it DIDN'T scar me.
but for crying out loud if i have to hear my mom tell me ONE more fucking
time that i am MAD at her for it...gahhhh!!!!
SHUT UP already about telling me how i feel about your stupid ass divorce!
it had NOTHING to do with me!
STOP TRYING TO DRAG ME INTO IT!
it was between YOU and DAD!! *I* have NOTHING to do with it and i'm FINE with
it!
man, i'm SORRY that it affected her
so greatly and i'm sorry she is STILL not resolved with it in any way, it
seems.
and i'm sorry for friends she lost over it or how she looked for divorcing
my dad in the eyes in the public and i'm sorry that people told her that i
would eventually hate her for it. and she even says her own MOTHER told her
that.
but *I* never told her that! it's
not my fault that other people were mean to her about it. *I* wasn't mean
to her about it!
*I* didn't leave her over it. it had NOTHING to do with me!!
no, i had to just sit there and listen to her tell me over and over again
how the divorce has affected me over the last 30 years...THAT is what sucked
for me. THAT is what was confusing and scarring.
ENOUGH already.
but i have said TIME and TIME and
TIME and TIME again over and over and over and over for 30 years now that
i was NEVER mad at her for getting a divorce! i never was and i never will
be!
WHY would i be mad at my mom for getting a divorce???
does that make ANY fucking sense??
no! it doesn't!
in fact, if anything, it was a GOOD
thing she taught in me in that one shouldn't have to stay in a bad relationship!
i THANK her for that!
i NEVER thought she was a bad person or a bad mother for getting a divorce.
and i'm SO sick of having to reiterate that to her every few months for 30
years.
GOD! BELIEVE ME ALREADY!
and NOW , NOW that i AM mad at her...i
am now suddenly a LIAR to her.
she thinks that all the times when she asked me if i thought she was a bad
mother or that i was harbouring anger towards her (which, for many many years
was completely confusing to me as to why she would say that since i thought
and felt none of those things) and that i told her "no mom, i think you're
a wonderful mother!"
and i MEANT that...
she now thinks that ALL those times i told her that for the past 30 years
was a LIE.
and that because i am mad at her NOW...this means i WAS mad at her THEN too!!!
can you believe this insanity??????????
now that i am mad at her about LJ and stuff, she like "ha! you were LYING to me! you WERE mad at me about the divorce and thought i was a terrible mother all along!"
now i am a horrible liar in her eyes.
what the fuck??? what can you do
with that? nothing!
you can do nothing about it!
*screams silently*
god, she is SO insane.
---
and oh, BTW, dan rather:
it's the war on TERROR not the war on "TERRA"
you dumbshit. this isn't "gone with the wind".
---
yes, i AM pmsing.
5:09pm
did the anacam biz
took a bath.
i must get that 2nd cam set up!
hwere did i put that new cord i bought for it?
short days. dark so soon.
news on tv going blah blah blah.
thinking of dyeing parts of my hair bright yellow.
my new vacuum cleaner is on its way to me!
3:44pm
4 new anapix up!
3:21pm
figured out the winners for photocontest.
wrote my dad a big long email.
i need food and a bath.
i crocheted some interesting things yesterday that i am going to felt and
then assemble into flower type things.
it'll probably be a hat.
just trying to stay afloat here...
2:21pm
a bit about my chart, from astro.com
mostly accurate. with too much empahsis on power and prestige, tho and not
enough on truth and beauty. it doesn't really address my inner worrld of my
imagination. but this is just the short report that does not tell everything.
you have to pay to get the full 30 page report:
born on 18 April 1966
in Saint Paul, MN (US)
93w06, 44n57
local time 11:56 am
U.T. 17:56
sid. time 01:29:11
Planetary positions
planet sign degree house motion
Sun Aries 28°14'21 10 direct
Moon Aries 04°16'58 09 direct
Mercury Aries 00°49'53 09 direct
Venus Pisces 12°17'37 08 direct
Mars Taurus 00°39'55 10 direct
Jupiter Gemini 26°59'08 11 direct
Saturn Pisces 24°29'02 09 direct
Uranus Virgo 16°00'22 02 retrograde
Neptune Scorpio 21°25'23 04 retrograde
Pluto Virgo 16°10'38 02 retrograde
True Node Taurus 25°31'01 10 retrograde
House positions (Placidus)
Ascendant Leo 08°51'00
2nd House Leo 28°20'23
3rd House Virgo 22°39'58
Imum Coeli Libra 24°04'55
5th House Sagittarius 01°42'45
6th House Capricorn 08°25'07
Descendant Aquarius 08°51'00
8th House Aquarius 28°20'23
9th House Pisces 22°39'58
Medium Coeli Aries 24°04'55
11th House Gemini 01°42'45
12th House Cancer 08°25'07
Major aspects
Sun Conjunction Mars 2°26
Sun Sextile Jupiter 1°15
Moon Conjunction Mercury 3°27
Moon Square Jupiter 7°18
Moon Trine Ascendant 4°34
Mercury Square Jupiter 3°51
Venus Opposition Uranus 3°43
Venus Opposition Pluto 3°53
Mars Sextile Jupiter 3°41
Jupiter Square Saturn 2°30
Saturn Trine Neptune 3°04
Uranus Sextile Neptune 5°25
Uranus Conjunction Pluto 0°10
Neptune Sextile Pluto 5°15
Sun and Moon in Aries
You have the potential to be a natural leader. Your thoughts and feelings are harmonious with the actions you ultimately take. You are a very dynamic individual who loves action. You are an ardent, somewhat aggressive, and commanding person and you make others aware of these qualities.
These qualities of your character are generally beneficial, but at times you may run into trouble because of your impatience.
There are three keys to balance your character better and permit the most development. First, exert more control over your impulses; second, have more patience in dealing with others; and third, realize that you don't need to prove yourself repeatedly by rushing toward danger.
Ascendant in Leo, Sun in the Tenth House
At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Leo was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler the Sun is located in the tenth house.
People with Leo in the Ascendant seem to possess a flair for the life of nobility and regality. Your life will be in many ways influenced by decisions you make that have been motivated by your pride, desire for power, for authority, and your need to convince others of your courage.
In life you will act with a rather frank, generous, and amiable disposition. The course of events in your life will unfold themselves swiftly, and a life full of chance and circumstances will be the outcome of your desire to rule, to organize, to hold the keys of authority. You should be aware that as a result of overly strong impulses there is the danger of failures and upsets in life. You will be generally regarded as an amiable, sincere and generous person who, however, has much pride and sensitivity. Egocentricity is one of the prices of being born with the Ascendant sign of Leo. Another aspect of this zodiacal sign is that your personality becomes excessively charged with passion and sexual desire. On the other hand, these zodiacal signs grant in life a large dose of vitality as well as a fine physical shape and a strong, healthy constitution.
Willpower is a characteristic of your personality. You seek opportunities and when you find them you go to it, using both your mind and your emotions to strive for success with zeal and determination. You are very self-assured and you implement ideas with a self- assurance that lets nothing get in your way of success.
It would be beneficial to you, however, if you were not so candid and frank and if you did not expect others to act and feel as you do.
Leo will grant you very sincere and affectionate relationships in which you desire to bring happiness and an overall feeling of charitable spirit and warmth to your loved one. In your sexual relationships you appear as happy, strong, playful and even a little innocent.
You will always act better as a leader than a subordinate.
The Sun here denotes that there are great possibilities for honor and success in life and for obtaining privileged relationship from persons of power. During the middle age you will have the opportunity to experience the most important event of your life; one which can bring fortune and prosperity, proper means of earning a livelihood, and the ability to become totally independent and successful.
Your negative tendencies are arrogance and pride.
Venus in the Eighth House
Venus was found in your eighth house at the time of birth. This is a favorable position regarding the possibilities of financial gain through businesses owned by your partner or by associates.
Psychologically, you are going to find many harmonious conditions in your sexual relationships.
If your inner growth is such that your vital energies are oriented toward spiritual rather than material pleasures, then you will arrive at gratification and happiness through inquiry into the mysteries of life and death.
You should have some excellent opportunities for progress in your financial and social condition during your middle age or when you finally stabilize your life through marriage or any other type of close relationship.
Moon in the Ninth House
The Moon was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. Your higher mind has the potential to expertly reflect the teachings of elevated knowledge that you may receive throughout your life. You will have an ability to quickly adjust to varying conditions.
You are endowed with a clever and resourceful imagination, and a mind which is receptive to ideals, higher thoughts, and perhaps even metaphysical matters.
Throughout life you are going to solve many critical situations by your ingenious and highly inventive mind which has an abundance of new and humane plans and ideas.
Saturn in the Ninth House
Saturn was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. This indicates that your concern over the impermanence of all things will urge you to restrict your personality traits and assume a position of caution and planning before pursuing any important matter.
In a practical sense, your attitude to all higher intellectual functions is that of a studious, serious, and meditative person. You must, however, be attentive to the possible presence of several challenging elements in your intellectual make-up such as depression, fear, and severity.
Sun in the Tenth House
The Sun was in the tenth house at the time of birth. The Sun here promises honor, success, and prestige in adult life. Publicly you appear as a vital, proud, powerful person. Your individuality has the need to manifest itself publicly and often to foist its energy on others. You have come to life with a satisfactory physical and moral heredity and you are going to acquire the favorable disposition of many persons of power to assist you in your ascent through life.
Your liabilities include an exaggerated pride, arrogance and a tendency to rely too much on your own resources.
1:11pm
more anger tirades in my mom's journal
against my dad and i and even some against my brother.
she is accusing us all of being dysfunctional and unwilling to work on the
problems she has with us.
she seem to think she is the only one who sees the picture as it truly is
and that she is the only one working on her dysfunction.
it IS unfortumate what happened with her and my dad way back in the 70's but
i would say at THIS point that my dad is not obligated to "work things
out" with her anymore, being that was 30 years ago now, and she has been
remarried now for a very long time and who wants to go back and rehash all
of that? i can understand my dad kind of shutting her out about that right
now. i certainly wouldn't want my past boyfriends coming at me in 30 years
telling me i should go to therapy with them so they can work out their past
issues in regards to me. heck no.
my dad doesn't even have any obligation to talk to her at all, really. it's
just that they both had my brother and i and so that keeps them talking here
and there.
but now i think my dad is receiving my mom's desperateness full force because
i have shut her out and so now he is all she has to rant to.
i wonder where HER husband is in all of this?
what does he know of what is going on really?
my dad wrote me an email last night,
he sounds very tired. he just had eye surgery and now he has a cold.
i'm sure the last thing on earth he has energy to do is now deal with my mom's
drama coming at him.
i don't say anything to him and i
just leave him be.
that's really all you can do with dad.
if he wants to know , he'll ask, once in a blue moon.
mom should know that when you come at him with drama, he completely shuts
down and turns off.
but you know, she doesn't care or pay attention to that because hse just wants
us all to be how SHE wants us to be.
i guess that is just human nature.
i want people to be the way i want them to be , too.
but at least i eventually realize that they aren't going to be who i want
them to be, they are just going to be who they are.
anger-denial-bargaining-depression-acceptance
my mom switches around between anger,
denial and bargaining with a big dose of depression thrown in.
she is definitely on anger and denial mostly.
i just wonder, again, where is her
husband in this?
the way she writes she seems to be utterly alone, like he just doesn't even
seem to be in the picture.
it must suck for him for her to give all her energy to this family and x husband
he has nothing to do with.
if i were her, i'd out more energy into him and being a family with him, since
he is her present and future family.
she really has so much, it's a shame that she doesn't seem to be able to appreciate
it right now.
but that's depression for you.
she is just stuck in this major anger at dad and i mostly, because she believes
that we made her stuff her true self and stuff everything she truly wanted
to say and be deep down inside. i think she feels like her whole life she
was never truly herself, she just stuffed her entire being way way down. and
she doesn't take any of the blame for that.
she just says its dad's and my fault for it. and she wants us to be there
for her now, in every way, to help her find her true self. or something.
she thinks she was never heard by us. that all we do is shut her out and never
listen to her.
she thinks we don't understand her and never really knew her and that we don't
see all she has to offer and we don't see the amazing person she truly is.
but ya, i don't see the amazing person she truly is much, because all she
does is show me the angry hurt helpless side most often. and she doesn't see
that she holds the power to herself, and that she holds the key to herself.
i don't have the key, my dad does not have the key, and her husband does not
have the key. she has the key and the power. but she is pissed off at us for
not unlocking her.
that would be an awful place to be and feel if you felt you did not have the power to unlock yourself and that all these other people from your past did.
and so she rages and rages and rages against us. and like a broken insane bird keeps flying into closed windows and mirrors thinking they are a way out.
it's so painful to see.
and it brings me back to the memories
i have of my mother when a bird would get stuck in the house and my mom would
completely flip out and cry and cry.
my mom was terrified of birds , if they would get stuck in the house.
she would become totally hysterical.
my mom is so afraid of almost everything.
but what she is scared of most of all seems to be herself, maybe.
i dpn't think she will ever truly be herself all of the way, because i think
her true nature would renounce the church she is in and many of her religious
beliefs would have to be abandoned.
one side of her is this little child who is scared of the devil and needs
god to be big and strong and like a dad and protect her from evil wthout her
having any resonsibility or power in that.
she wants to hide under god's robe and let god to the work.
because evil scares the living crap out of her.
evil scares the living crap out of ME, too, but i think i face it way more
than she does.
and i also know that i have the power within me to combat it.
i am not just a little child in the face of it, always.
i am sometimes, but not always.
well, this gets into a whole different area of discussion that is way to huge
for me to even type about right now.
anyway, what it boils down to is, well, my mom has a crapload of work ahead of her if she ever wants to come out and play as her true self and not just blame those around her for squishing her true nature deep deep deep down inside until she became so twisted and tangled it was almost impossible for her to extricate herself.
it's like she should have been this flowing piece of fabric, but she stuffed it into a tiny box and then her anger heat sealed the blanket into the shape of the box and now she is all crumpled and squished and kind of stuck that way from the anger heatsealing her.
she needs to re-weave herself entirely.
or figure out what she can become and be, positively, in the crinkled cube
shape.
i just realized she is just now coming out of her 2nd "saturn return"
(astrology).
hmmm. she sure did not deal with that well, either.
if i look back at what she was dealing
with when she was 27, when her 1st saturn return started,
she IS actually dealing with a lot of those same issues now.
the 1st saturn return dealing with my dad, and the 2nd with me.
to put it really simplistically.
i wish i knew more about astrology
and i had her chart.
i just realized i don't even know what her moon sign is.
all i know is her sun sign is aquarious.
so, if she was botn on january 27th...and she was 21 in 1966...what year was
she born?
1945?
well, i'll be...nick mason from pink
floyd was also born january 27th, 1945. hmm!
funny, i was just thinking "i'll
bet her moon is in leo"
because leo's love to be the center of attention (my rising is leo, i should
know!)
aquarious people think about humanity, but my mom thinks more about herself
than humanity. so i thought her moon sign, which is her inner self had to
be something like leo. and sure enough, if my calculations are correct, it
is!
here is a little blurb:
"Sun in Aquarius, Moon in Leo
This astrological combination indicates that love occupies an important place in your life. But you will be quite selective, for your self-esteem is such that only someone who is worthy of your affections will satisfy this desire. Throughout life your most conscious aim will be creative self-expression. However, your intense love-nature also needs to be expressed.
With your active mind and lively imagination you are suited for leadership roles. You usually are to the one to initiate a relationship or undertaking. Motivated by noble intentions, you possess a real ability for public life. The key to a more harmonious self lies in exercising your ability to love. Even if you have to compromise your high standards in selecting a love object, you will find that an imperfect love is better than no love at all. "
i guessed on the time and place of
her birth, but it was interesting to read all the chart (i won't put it all
here), even tho it was not a totally accurate one.