december 4th, 2004

11:00pm

i'm over at jason's so i can't update my journal from here (he just found out today of all days that he DOES have comcast on demand so we ordered the "documentary" i am in) , so i'm writing in here 'cause i need to write to you NOW.
fuck.
what a shitty ass day. but it is getting better finally just now because it's nearing the end of the day now and nothing else could go wrong, i hope. 1st, as you read, the goddamn crap from my
mom again. and that just got into me like a computer virus wrecking havock on my system (body/mind) slowly but surely throughout the day. like the black oil from the x files, seeping in.
but i lost my stomache and that actaully helped. sorry for the info.
anyway...
so...i finally saw the a&e documentary and it was the WORST thing i have EVER been in. i am SUPER pissed off!!!!!!
HOW on EARTH can they get away with putting words in my mouth like
that??????
for the record, i have NEVER said and would NEVER say that when i had sex , the 1st time on the internet (the infamous pizza night)
that i "crossed a line" and that i "REGRET" it.!!!

what the fuck????????????

secondly, i have never said and would never say that i have to be SO secret about my life that i even have to have a "stage name" because i can't reveal my "real name"!! what the hell???????????
WHY would i EVER say that?
and for the record my stage name is NOT ana voog, my NAME is ana voog, and again i reiterate that is NOT some "public persona" nor do i HAVE a "public persona". i am just ME through and through!

and what...my legal name is some dark secret? for cryin' out loud everyone knows what my legal name is. it's not something i try to HIDE. WHO CARES? women change their names all the time when they get married, does that make their maiden name some big dark secret and their new name some "PERSONA"???
no!! it's just a NAME change not a SOUL change. there is NOTHING deeper to it than that!
it's the same as me getting boobs or dyeing my hair. good grief!
not that getting boobs should be taken as lightly as a dye job because a boob job is way more dangerous, but i think you can see what i am trying to say.

HOW can they get away with just out and out LYING like that? saying i said things i NEVER said???

well, i suppose that is why celebrities sue.
maybe i should sue!

they didn't even get into my cam at all, and all the cool things about it. they...just skipped over my entire...LIFE!
they interviewed me for 3 days for THAT????

whoever edited that and made the decision to edit it like that i would like to personally punch in the face.

they made it seem like i regretted my entire site and that i live in this shroud of secrecy under a persona and a stage name.

and then the pop psychologist on TOP of that SAYING that i AM an
exhibitionist and do my site for the sexual gratification of it. WTF???
who do they think they are that they can just say what IS in my mind and what my motivations are and what makes me tick when i have NEVER met them.

coward fucktards. FRY.

sorry for what ever typos i may be making, this is a weird ergonomic
keyboard jason has and i'm not used to it.

fuck. i am SUPER pissed.

in fact, that entire show was completelly depressing. i think they did a disservice to mankind by making that.
here they had the great opportunity of meeting unique individuals who were incorporating new things into their lives and they just blasted it all and made it all seem dangerous and sick and perverted.

i expected more from A&E.
i can't believe that HARDCOPY was more civil and fair.

seriously, if i had the $ i would sue those bastards for saying i said things that i would NEVER have said in a million years!!

they made me look like i was some deviant sad person who was hiding myself behind a veil of lies which couldn't be further from the truth.

just had to get that off my chest for now so i can get on with the rest of my night becuase i am steaming mad!

just...if you saw that comcast thing...FUCK it. that was SO censored and SO FUCT and SO edited as to be an absolute LIE.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!

3:16pm

i could SWEAR i've put on weight, but i just weighed myself and i've actually lost.
how is that?

3:13pm

there is nooooooooo fucking way i am going to get a cold now! aaaa!
*fights back with everything!*

2:41pm

woa! jason has comcast on demand now! i can go see my a&e documentary right now!
so i'm getting ready to go over there!

+++

i think my mom's words are toxic to me, literally. i understand the word "toxic" much more now.
like, right after i read what she wrote, it wa like a poison in my system that i could feel attacking my immune system.
within an hour i felt like i was going to get a cold or something. felt super rundown.
i've never felt it so literally like that.
her words like dark seething microbes in my bloodstream, attacking my immune system, shutting me down.
i can't go in there and read anything mroe she writes. at least not when i feel this vulnerable.
maybe i will always be this vulnerable.
anyway..i need to fill myself with happy things now to counteract this.
and i took a bunch of vitamins.

and i had awful nightmares all night long which left me exhausted the minute i woke up.

2:08pm

i'm feeling kind of floaty and detached.
not in a bad way or a good way. just a way.
i'll put sme music on and clean a bit.
i need a coke.

12:54pm

wow, my mom has written a tirade against me in her lj today.
let the rage begin.
she is now saying i have constantly lied to her constantly and let her be the fool (??????)
she blames me for her asthma and heart disease.
she says i never listen to her or let her speak (??????)
she says i would never tell her things directly but would only talk about them in my journal, which is not true.
i've told her everything always.
she thinks i am the narcissist etc etc etc....

2:00am

ohmigod! to die from the cuteness!
a little female japanese chin for sale in our local paper,:
http://www.legacy.com/startribune/Pets.asp?Page=Ad&AdId=2855016

i wish i could have just ONE more dog!!!
this would be the one i would want!!
*faint die heart beating rapidly*

freaking expensive this dog is!
but i'm sure worth every penny!
i could cry from the cuteness overload!!!
what a lovedog :) what a squishbeast!

ohmigod someone buy her so i can come and visit you and smoosh this dog!!

WHY did i torture myself by looking at the dogs for sale in the classifieds???
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
i can tell this is a SUPER special little soul! i just know it!!
whoever gets her is going to be the luckiest person.

1:15am

ohmigod, if anyone wants to get me a xmas present, THIS is what i want so i can make my own movies for ana2 and EDIT them and splice them and add sound effects and special effects and i know it has to be easy to use because it's for kids! yes!! how much fun would that be?? a barrel of monkeys fun!!! i could even make stop motion animations :) kick asssssssss!

:)

well, i'm glad i found that to cheer me up somewhat before i go to bed :)