december 3rd, 2004
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11:39pm

fucked up how my mom shows up on lj again, knowing how much it hurts me when she does that, invades my space again, then writes in her journal (sarcastically) at me "thanks for caring" because i won't CALL her now because she asked me to call her today on her LJ. fucking twisted. she's out of her mind.
she even says she saw real angels today in her living room. maybe so. who knows?
i hope SOMETHING is watching over her as she loses her mind over there. i feel really sorry for her, actually. it's painful to watch her thrash about like this, mentally. it's awkward and painful.
she's in there guilting me out telling me that she tells my dad that she bets i wish she was dead. she bets that i wish she would take her last breath so i could move on already. what is my dad supposed to say to that?
my poor dad. and because my mom tries to use my dad against me, and use him as a device to get messages to me, it just makes me not be able to talk to my dad about any of this because i know how much he hates any kind of conflict. just augh.
i don't know how my mom's husband put up with any of this.
my mom is just out of her mind.
i have noticed he leaves on trips a lot more, it seems.
i'd want to get the hell out of there, too.
i wonder if my mom's marriage is going to last through this?
she seems almost suicidal at times. saying things like life doesn't end soon enough and saying she is nothing.
i really hope she gets some sort of help.
but i have a doubtful feeling she will until she ends up in the hospital from a stroke or something over this.

she is the queen of stuffing everything inside and her health has always suffered for it. she has always been ill. she's had pretty much every illness there is now, i think, besides cancer.
i wouldn't be surprised if she got cancer or had a stroke or a heart attack now because she has no healthy release from anything.

her only release so far has been to escape more into denial or to become so much f a control freak about the house being clean that she'll practically be in tears if anything is out of place.

i guess that isn't a release, that is just tightening the grip.
control control control.

something has got to give.
she's gonna blow at some point. something is going to snap.
i don't see how she can keep up being this way.
she doesn't seem to be any better. she seems to be even worse.

i wish there was something i could do. but , i can't be her saviour on this.

my dad even told me she puts me in a god-like position in her life.
i can't live up to that.

as i wrote before, i can't be her foundation and the house she lives in. it's like, without me, she is nothing, or something.
she has no identity.

i don't understand it, exactly.

she really needs some therapy, and maybe some prozac or something.

i don't know.

maybe there ARE angels in her living room.
i surely do hope so.

my mother is a broken bird.
it tears my heart out to see her like this.
but she has to find her own way now.

5:49pm

all my armour is on again.
it's getting to be almost second nature.
like i have a little button i press and *clunk clunk clunk" on goes all the armour and shields and weapons powered up and set to "stun".

set my lj so that only people i have listed as a ftiend can reply in my lj so i don't have to worry about her posting in my journal.

took a bath.
now must get dressed.

autopilot.

 

5:10pm

fuck fuck fuck.

i can't let her get to me like this again.

i CAN'T.

i was just starting to get better, just barely.
why why why why why why does she have to be such a selfish piece of shit???

i'm going to go take a bath and try to regain my composure.

hey btripp, if you have any extra time or energy on your hands to whip up one of those shields, i'd be much obliged 'cause she's got people "praying" for me again :(
but if you are busy or not feeling up to it, i totally understand.

 

5:05pm

my mom is back on LJ.
she just posted in my boyfriend's journal.

fuck.

here we go again...

just when my hatred of her was just starting to barely subside.

 

3:26pm

back from the bank! feels good to get that done and also to have walked some.
and i bought jason and xmas prezzie :)
nothing too huge. i can't afford much this year.
but it's still nice :)
i wsh i could go all out and buy everyone elaborate things.

i wish the a&e documentary i ordered from amazon would get sent to me.
i keep checking on the order status and it never gets sent!
i'm starting to feel paranoid now that this thing is out of print now or something.

1:43pm

ok, i think i'm finally going to get to the bank.
i got everything together, i just need to get dressed still.
and i paid my electric bill. yay!
and paid my server bill and rent bill.

money in...money out....

now MUST get to the bank so everything goes through!

i didn't know that ultravox made 2 cds in the 90s. "revelation" and "ingenuity" and they are AWFUL!
it's not midge ure singing. each cd has a different singer and line up. billie currie trying to resuurect the band.
just totally horrible! bah. what a bummer.

ok, off to get dressed now.

and when i come back then jason and i leave at 6:15pm to go pick up steve g. for their milo fine free jazz tang tonight.
and i'm in charge of taking people's money at the door which is kind of a bummer, but not too bad.
i'll just crochet.